Working for Scissors

The New Girl

2010-12-13T14:38:00.003-06:00

There's a new girl in Cube City, and it shows. Due to the craptastic and seemingly bottomless recession, few people have left the company, and even fewer have joined.

But one who has recently joined is stunningly incompetent. With all the joblessness in this country, you'd think we could at least get a solid candidate in the door. Not so. The new girl doesn't have any idea what she's doing, and I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard. Her boss says to give her 6 to 9 months to learn the ropes.

I'm fine with giving someone time to learn, and I'm also fine with helping them along the way. It's when they don't know basic information, like the order of events they are supposed to be organizing so that we all get our work done on time, that I think, "This person spent a lot more time lying and selling herself in the interview than in learning the ropes once she got hired."

It's important to raise the flag in Cube City to save yourself because perceptions can change very quickly. The new girl is supposed to set up meetings and keep projects on track, but she acts like she has no idea what to do. So here's what happens. I miss meetings and people figure I'm too busy to attend. Uh, no, I was never invited and therefore was unaware that the meeting was taking place. So once I realize that I'm out of the loop, there's a two-hour meeting to get me up to speed on what I missed. Another example? A project is delayed for weeks, and I'm told not to start until someone gives me the green light. Then suddenly, on a Wednesday, the new girl says, "Hey, just looking to see where you are with this project because it's due tomorrow." WHUT?!!!

Luckily, a lot of people have had the same issues with the new girl. Otherwise, they'd think my work is slipping because of me, not because of her.

I hope to survive the new girl's learning curve. I hope she survives too because instead of teaching her the ropes, I'd like to strangle her with them. I've worked weekends to meet deadlines I didn't know about until the last minute...because of her. I've sacrificed vacation days to make up for her mistakes. And she doesn't even seem to be learning from her mistakes! It just makes me mad!

I suppose her being the new girl makes me the old girl, but I'm fine with that. It's the one time I'm okay with being old. New is not necessarily shiny or better.

He Who Thinks No Thoughts

2010-11-16T12:32:00.004-06:00

Lately, I've been working "with" the guy otherwise known as Anywhere But Here, and it's been challenging because, well, he's anywhere but here. Such is life sometimes in Cube City.

Luckily, I've also been working with an intelligent cube dweller who's had to deal with Anywhere But Here, and we've helped each other guess what he wants us to do. The intelligent cube dweller shared some pretty cool and relevant videos with me in hopes that they might spark some ideas for our project. She sent the video links to me through email and copied Anywhere But Here on the thread.

A few hours later, I noticed that Anywhere But Here was posting familiar, if not verbatim, quotes from those videos as his Facebook status! It was rather shocking and enlightening to see that he directly lifts his insights from other people's work. That's plagiarism!

It's amazing how perceptions can change in an instant. All this time, I thought he had interesting things to say about the marketplace. Now all I see is a criminal who can't think of his own thoughts. It's alarming.

This is just one example of why I choose to be blissfully unaware of most things in Cube City. I become really irritated when I accidentally become aware of the truth. I'm just glad that I am not Anywhere But Here.

Anywhere But Here

2010-11-03T11:34:00.003-05:00

I work with a guy in Cube City who is always missing in action.

Meetings? He shows up the first time and disappears for the remaining series of meetings...even though he's leading the project.

Conference calls? He doesn't dial in.

Emails? He doesn't respond.

He's supposed to be a leader who provides critical direction and feedback, but he does none of these things. Even his boss seems to support him by saying, "Sorry, but he can't be here today due to some personal stuff."

He always has personal stuff getting in the way! Don't we all? Separation of personal stuff and work, please. It must be nice to be grossly overpaid for being anywhere but here.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2010-10-26T09:28:00.006-05:00

Two weeks ago, I recommended the perfect person for a project in Cube City. I was bombarded with panic-stricken but vague feedback -- news I couldn't use, basically.

"Not her!"

"I'm not sure she's the right fit."

"I have concerns."

I stood up for the person I recommended. I knew she was the one who could pull it off. I had absolutely no concerns about her taking the project and kicking major ass. So I didn't budge. She was the solution, and the doubters were just going to have to learn that they were the problem.

One week later, I received an email from someone on the project who couldn't say enough nice things about her. Finally, someone had lifted their finger from the panic button. Suddenly, the rollercoaster had stopped going up and down at lightning speed, and people were calm. The emailer said, "I know we all had concerns about her, but she's done an amazing job that has really pleased the client. I'm wowed by what she did with this in such a short amount of time!"

The emailer had copied the whole team of panic-stricken people on this positive message, but I replied only to the sender. I hate it when people generalize how the whole team feels when one person (that's me) clearly felt and stated otherwise. I replied, "Remember, I never had concerns about her. I knew she was the perfect fit and am so glad she made the client happy! Thanks for taking the time to give her a shout out and for supporting her along the way so that she could shine!" Kill 'em with kindness. I'm going to Disneyland.

Okay, so I'm feeling a little smug, but I just get so tired of the bullshit. I get so tired of how perception affects so many people in Cube City, and how I can't feel empowered because a bunch of boobs have to have a say about everything -- especially the things and people they know nothing about. This isn't Six Flags, where more flags equal more fun. People need to stop raising flags and start having more fun. At the very least, they need to grow up and give feedback that supports their concerns. If they can't do that one simple thing, it's time to get on board, buckle up, and prepare for a safe but enjoyable ride.

Time to Make the Doughnuts

2010-10-25T09:08:00.002-05:00

Why are Mondays in Cube City so hard?

I work with a rather mentally and emotionally unstable man who just posted this on Facebook: "I love Mondays. They represent hope and renewal."

Okay, here are my problems with his statement:

As previously mentioned, he's mentally and emotionally unstable.
He's not even coming to work today. He's out on "personal business" (which, by the way, is where he usually is instead of being at work).
Doesn't he have Mondays confused with Fridays?

I guess it's time to make the doughnuts, even though I already feel fried enough as it is.

The Caveman

2010-10-07T10:15:00.003-05:00

There is a guy in Cube City who's letting his hair grow out -- both on his head and on his face. His hair is so long all over that he actually combs his bangs back. His beard is shaggy and simply unkempt. He sort of looks like a caveman.

I don't know him well at all, so I can't tell him that he looks prehistoric. But I think those who do know him should enlighten him on the benefits of a makeover. He's a better looking man than that.

An updated look, especially for guys, is so easy. Even a caveman can do it.

The Breakthrough That Broke

2010-10-05T09:30:00.006-05:00

Well, cube dwellers, His & Hers decided to pay a visit to Cube City yesterday. They gave us half a business day's notice and expected us to juggle our calendars to meet with them.

It was the longest day of my life.

They wanted to spend a few hours with us, in person instead of by phone, to tell us about a breakthrough they'd had during a long plane flight together. They said they had figured out what their company really was and what they wanted it to be. They also said they wanted to start promptly at 8:30.

My fellow cube dwellers and I busted our tails to get to the office on time, on a Monday, only to wait for 45 minutes or more for them to show up. (I think it was more and I just lost count after 45 minutes.) I felt like I was waiting for a doctor's appointment. A rectal exam, maybe. Yeah, that's it.

Once they finally showed up and hugged all of us (gross...and he smelled like he had slept in his clothes), they sat down and started bickering at each other. Seems like old times. It was clear that they had not had a breakthrough of any kind. He told her that she was making him crazy because he thought they were in agreement on things, and she was siding with us lowly cube dwellers -- you know, the ad agency they'd hired to help them out with this stuff? Maybe he was finally clarifying what he wanted, even though what he wanted was a really bad user experience.

We spent the day getting nowhere but pretending like we'd gotten somewhere, which was something we could have easily accomplished by phone. It's probably the typical client experience, but I have to say that a rectal exam would have been less painful and a lot more productive.

His & Hers

2010-09-30T08:37:00.003-05:00

I'm working with an annoying husband-wife client team in Cube City these days, and I sometimes wonder why I ever volunteered to be a part of this "special" project. Clearly, I was duped.

What's most annoying about this couple is that, despite constant bickering, they refer to each other as "TL."

That's short for True Love.

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? I thought so.

Here's how a sample conference call might go with the dynamic duo.

Him: I don't like the rounded corners of the callouts. They seem too soft for what we're trying to communicate. TL, what do you think?

Her: Actually, I think the soft, rounded corners really deliver the message that what people do with our product is up to them. It's their choice, and we'll stand by them. If we were to design these callouts with hard, squared-off edges, I think people would be offended, TL. I don't think they'd click on the callouts to continue their journey, and then we'd all be in a very sad, dark place.

I could go on and on, cube dwellers, but I think you get the picture. These people are smoking something good -- well, good for them and bad for us. They're so indecisive and yet simultaneously decisive. I think they're from outer space. As long as they don't moon me with their true love, it's possible I might survive this project.

Cube Q&A: Conference Call Hangups

2010-09-21T12:02:00.002-05:00

Q: What should I do when I'm on a conference call in Cube City and an angry client hangs up on me?

A: Dearest cube dweller, don't dwell on this. Who cares if the call ended on a sour note? It ended! You just got a little piece of your life back. This is a call for celebration.

Ferrari Hats Only

2010-09-16T07:02:00.003-05:00

There's a guy in Cube City who appears to be grossly overpaid because he drives a Ferrari. Every day, he wears a baseball cap with the Ferrari symbol on it. I mean it. Every. Day. I've never seen what he looks like without that hat. I guess he really loves his Ferrari.

A cube dweller who knows him well said that he often leaves his Ferrari in our office parking garage because it doesn't run very well. In fact, he has to get the clutch -- or some other equally important part, I can't remember -- replaced. Why is he stalling on that? Because the repair will cost $15K.

WTFerrari is up with that?! I guess he really loves his car -- like, more than a person. Or he was dropped on his head as a baby.

I once walked by his office and saw a post-it note that read, "Ferrari Hats Only." I'm pretty sure he didn't write that himself and someone was mocking him -- all the more reason to love the people I work with, even the ones who've been dropped on their heads. There's a hat for that.

Morning Sickness

2010-09-15T07:25:00.004-05:00

Well, this is a first: To be in the Cube City ladies' room with someone who has morning sickness. Ew.

I've been drinking more water lately, so I've been making more frequent appearances in the ladies' room. Lately, there's been a sickly cube dweller in there with me.

At first, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I heard sickness, thought how I would feel in that situation (I'd want to be left alone, but it feels wrong to ignore a sick person), and got out of there as quickly as possible. I was a baby about it.

Last week, the sickly person ran into the ladies' room as I was leaving and almost ran me over. She actually stopped for a second, eyes watering and hand covering mouth, to say, "I'm sorry! I have morning sickness. But this is between you and me. I'm not ready to tell anyone yet." Then she ran into a stall and went about her business.

If this is a secret, and she's not ready to tell anyone, why did she tell me why she's sick? She could have said she just doesn't feel well or has some mysterious form of cooties. So now I have this secret I can't share, but at least I can stop worrying and wondering about her.

I suppose morning sickness plagues us all one way or another in Cube City. I don't think you have to be pregnant to have a reason to throw up in the corporate bathroom. I'm just sayin'.

To Purge or Not to Purge?

2010-09-14T08:24:00.007-05:00

Everything has its price, and this includes Working for Scissors.

Every September, I seem to start purging things. I get on a roll. I show no mercy.

I haven't worn these jeans in six months? GONE.

I've passed over this shirt for two weeks? GONE.

I never use the land line phone anymore. Hellooooo? GOODBYE.

My ability to purge without looking back is something that my significant stapler (a pack rat) cannot put into theory, let alone practice. Some of us are more sentimental than others.

When it comes to this Working for Scissors blog, I've been at it long enough to consider purging it too. However, there are limits to my purging.

I'm not on a big hunt for extra money or anything, but I figure why keep this thing around that I rarely use anymore? (It's the purger in me.)

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy this blog...when I'm in the mood. I just figure it would be interesting to see what else I could do with (or without) it.

Long ago, I looked into how to increase traffic to my blog, how to make money off my blog, and more. But what recently caught my attention was the idea of SELLING the blog.

That was before I saw what it was worth, though.

Use this tool to see how much your own blog is worth. If I know you, and I know your blog URL, chances are that I've checked your blog's worth and have come up with the same number as mine: a whopping $564.54. That's before taxes, for you accounting junkies out there.

I believe our thoughts are worth more than $564.54 before taxes, don't you?! So I guess this tool is bogus, but it still makes me wonder what I could do to turn my blog into something worth buying. Cube City needs to be good for something, you know?

I guess I will hold on to my blog for a while because it's not like the thing is taking up precious closet space or anything. Perhaps I'm more sentimental than I thought.

The Douche and the Paper Boy

2010-09-13T07:38:00.004-05:00

As predicted in a previous blog entry, my Paper Boss is back in Cube City. Reportedly, he starts today. It took 9 months -- much longer than I had anticipated or suspected, the amount of time it takes to make a baby -- but it still feels good to be right.

My suspicions rose a few weeks ago, when a total douche at this company left a random "Smooch" comment on my Paper Boss's Facebook page. I hate people who have secrets and don't know what to do with them, so they do something totally lame like kissing someone over the interwebs. It's like they're saying, "I just found out about you and wanted you to know that I know, even though I can't talk about it, which is stupid because everybody knows I can't be trusted to keep secrets, and I'm sorry I never paid any attention to you the whole time you were gone...but now that you're coming back, I am suddenly interested in being your devoted friend again -- at work and on Facebook."

It should be interesting to have my Paper Boss around again, mostly because he's returning in a new role that will probably suit his skills and personality better. It seems that way on paper, anyway. I have my suspicions about why he isn't returning to my side of the business, but I probably shouldn't go there. So I won't. Unlike the douche, I can keep secrets, even the ones that are based only on my suspicions.

A Little SAD Lunch Commentary

2010-09-10T11:56:00.003-05:00

Summer is almost over, which means Scissor Girl needs to get serious, put down the pizza, and lose a few pounds before seasonal affective disorder (SAD) takes over.

Since most meetings in Cube City occur over the lunch hour, you're pretty much screwed if you didn't pack a lunch. But I lucked out today, and a 90-minute meeting ended almost 90 minutes early. That rarely happens! Who has ever heard of an 11-minute meeting? This meeting miracle won't last or recur, I'm sure, so I'll just bask in it today.

Here's where Subway, the sandwich chain, comes in. I hate Subway. It's close to my office, it reeks of bread (a smell that actually repulses me, but only in a Subway), and I feel like it's a healthier option than most fast-food restaurants. Today, I really wanted crap food, but I forced myself to go to Subway.

When I arrived at Subway, I parked next to a car with the windows rolled down. The driver was reclining in the driver's seat, and he appeared to be napping. I don't know why or how you'd nap next to a noisy highway in 90-degree weather, but I assumed he was a sad cube dweller who needed a brief escape from reality/consciousness. Or maybe the smelly bread from Subway made him pass out. Too many carbs are never a good thing. I guess I'll never know the real story with that guy, but the truth is usually a lot more depressing than my imagination -- hard to believe, I know.

As I pulled out of the Subway parking lot with my healthy sandwich in hand, I couldn't help but wonder just how healthy Subway really is. I mean, food service is a very scary industry, and all the sandwich toppings at Subway are lined up in a row. Who knows how long they've been sitting out? Who knows how many flies have landed on the food? A potluck at work, laced with inevitable botulism, might be safer than Subway.

I think I'll go back to Subway, park my car there, roll the windows down, and take a nap. This stinky bread is making me pre-SAD.

My Birthday Is Over

2010-09-02T13:24:00.003-05:00

Well, it was fun to get an early birthday gift in Cube City, but it should come as no surprise that all good things come to an end.

Today, I will meet a candidate to replace the mean lady who should have been fired but ended up leaving on her own terms. (Yes, the injustice of how that whole thing went down still kind of totally irks me.)

I know nothing about the new candidate except that she's not from the Northeast -- and that's a start.

What I do know is that this position doesn't need to be refilled. It didn't need to be filled in the first place. But as we all know, Scissor Girl is not an important person. What this means today is that Scissor Girl isn't important enough to spend company funds that don't need to be spent. We must have a VP shortage around here or something because people seem to be on a mission to fill this unnecessary position.

All I can say is that I hope the person we end up hiring isn't totally insecure. That alone would be the gift that keeps on giving.

Attrition Saves!

2010-08-20T10:31:00.003-05:00

Did you know that attrition in Cube City is like Jesus in church?

I recently attended a staff meeting during which the number cruncher basically announced that we met our profit margin due to employee attrition.

WWJD with this news? I feel like I should go pray for more people to leave so that we can be profitable next period.

It's My Birthday!

2010-08-12T11:49:00.007-05:00

We interrupt this hiatus to bring you an important message from Scissor Girl.

Hello, my precious cube dwellers! It's my birthday! Well, okay, it's not my actual date of birth. It's not even my Cube City birthday. But it's sort of like a combination of my birthday and a Cube City celebration.

Why, you ask? Because one of the few people I don't like or respect is leaving Cube City. On her own. I was sort of totally hoping she'd be fired, as she sort of totally deserved it, but she beat her boss to the punch. I'm sort of totally disappointed about that part of the story, but I'm so excited about the end result that I'll try to overlook it.

I tried very hard to work with her so that she would understand the full story, and I think I made a little bit of progress with her. But ultimately, a backstabber like her is a backstabber for life, even among long-term colleagues. She was someone I could sort of totally never trust. What's worse is that I had to psych myself up before every meeting I had with her -- and even before every email I read from her. That's just insane!

My real birthday is coming up, so now I'm going to celebrate that I don't have to waste my one wish on her. It has already come true. Happy Birthday to me! What's your work-related birthday wish?

The Seasonal Hiatus

2010-01-26T06:36:00.005-06:00

Okay, this is weird: I told my significant stapler that I'm tired of blogging about Cube City. We discussed the hiatus I took in January of last year. I don't know if this is an annual tradition or what, but I'm ready for another. The weird part? I'm ready for a hiatus on the exact same date as last year! I don't know what it is about 1/26 that makes me run away, screaming for a break. All I know is that the feeling is upon me once again. So I'll bid adieu -- perhaps for a short time or perhaps forever. I guess it's just time to think outside the cube.

The Full Story

2010-01-25T06:39:00.005-06:00

I'm sort of working with a backstabber in Cube City right now, and I'm sort of totally unhappy about it.

I think the worst part is that the backstabber doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she is being helpful, but really, she's not taking the time to get to the core of the problem before offering her backstabbing solution.

I'm trying to cut her some slack because she's new around here...and it shows. Backstabbers don't typically have long lifespans in this Cube City. We like positive people who can keep the "I want to kill you all and then myself" attitude to themselves.

I just find it odd that some people enter a new Cube City and immediately act like they own the place. I'd feel better if the backstabber was younger, as I think maturity in the workplace comes with a lot of work experience...but the backstabber isn't young, so what the heck are we in for around here?

I hope it's that we just don't understand each other or the challenges we are facing yet. When people tell me bad things, I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to gain perspective. I know that every story has multiple sides. But the backstabber seems to pull a sentence out of the story and blame it on the closest or most convenient character she can find before she's read the whole book.

I need to find ways to communicate with the backstabber, and it's going to be interesting. My hope is that I can provide a sense of calm and rational thinking that wears off on her. If not, this protagonist is going to remain sort of totally unhappy until The End comes for the antagonist. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Day Labor

2010-01-22T06:19:00.003-06:00

I think we all know just how much Scissor Girl despises the weekly staffing meeting in Cube City and everything it stands for. But recently, I spoke with a fellow cube dweller about how to solve the staffing issues once and for all, and I think she's got the right solution to this problem.

Since we can never seem to get the right amount of people staffed for the right amount of time in any given week, we should have a Day Laborer room. Here's how it works:

If/when you finish working on a staffed project and you have some downtime, you go to the Day Laborer room and wait.
Project managers who need day laborers for any given task will stop in throughout the day to see who's available. If you're qualified to do the day labor that's needed, you'll go earn your keep doing the new work that just came available.

Sure, in Texas -- where true day laborers are on every corner, looking for work -- this approach might seem a little tacky, but I have to say that it's probably the only approach that would ever work in this particular Cube City.

Letters to Scissor Girl

2010-01-21T06:02:00.007-06:00

DEAR SCISSOR GIRL: I'm having a hard time in Cube City right now. There's this really creepy lady with a chip on her shoulder who wants to be my boss, but she doesn't know anything and isn't management material...oh, yeah, and I already have a boss. I had a dream about the really creepy lady last night. We met to discuss my performance review at her office, which was located in a police station. Should I be worried? -- HANDCUFFED IN HADES

DEAR HANDCUFFED: It seems criminal that you even have to worry about this sort of thing. If you're worried, it might be time for a self check. Pat yourself down and make sure there are no explosives or other weapons hidden on your person. If the personal pat-down reveals nothing, then stop being so paranoid. Don't let people have control over you. It's time that you let yourself have control over others -- or at least control over yourself. The only time you should be worried is if this really creepy lady is sporting a badge and whistle while approaching you with a nightstick, at which point you should run like you stole something.

Too Many Cooks

2010-01-20T06:54:00.002-06:00

I was on a call yesterday in Cube City that involved too many cooks. The meeting leader asked about 75 different people to present various parts of a 33-slide presentation, and it was just a cluster. (Okay, so it was more like 7 people, but still!) We spent more time introducing ourselves to the client than we did presenting our respective slides. I just don't understand why meeting leaders can't lead their meetings. Why make it more complicated for everyone? Let's have one or two cooks in the kitchen with everyone else spicing up the recipe if/when appropriate.

Crunch Time

2010-01-19T06:16:00.003-06:00

Last week in Cube City, we got a nastygram from the head of Number Crunching. We were all slapped on our wrists for submitting late timesheets for the week, or perhaps for not submitting them at all. What's funny (...or not) about the nastygram is that it contained a grammatical error about how embarrassing this must be for our team. Now that's embarrassing.

When the nastygram arrived in my inbox, I was in a meeting but read it anyway. The person sitting next to me read it too. She said, "Oh, I LOVE how the head of Number Crunching is telling us that the other team -- you know, the one that doesn't make a profit for the company -- got their timesheets submitted on time. They have like, what -- 5 people left on that team now due to all the layoffs? So is that really such a big feat?"

Good point. Game tied. But don't get me wrong. I can see why the head of Number Crunching wants us to bill our work on time. Otherwise, we're working for free, and that's no good. But the number cruncher's approach was unnecessary and ineffective. The catch is that we don't really have time to record our time, so the profit we're making probably isn't being recorded or realized. Everybody is annoyed with the problem, but nobody knows how to fix it. And that's what is most embarrassing about crunch time.

Cube Q&A: Dress Codes

2010-01-18T06:43:00.002-06:00

Q: Why do people wear plaid and other bad fabrics to Cube City? Do they think that their fellow cube dwellers don't have eyes?

A: Dearest cube dweller, it's true that plaid is bad. However, companies simply can't dress-code good taste. Close your eyes and move blindly through the day.

A First for the Year

2010-01-15T06:17:00.002-06:00

OMG, it's the first pay day of the year in Cube City, and I couldn't be any more desperately thankful about it. Let the celebrating begin!

My Paper Boss: The Recycling Years

2010-01-14T06:30:00.003-06:00

I recently saw my Paper Boss in the halls of Cube City. He's no longer my boss, on paper or otherwise, due to leaving the company quite some time ago. When I saw him the other day, he sort of had that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. He didn't seem to have time for small talk. He said he was late for a meeting with the person who oversees our whole team.

Hmmm. Could my Paper Boss be seeking a recycled version of his old job? I don't know, but if you see him on the next org chart, you heard it here first.

Well Suited

2010-01-13T06:52:00.002-06:00

The other day, a friend of mine in another Cube City showed up at work in his normal business casual dress. He was sent home to change into a suit because he'd forgotten about an important client meeting. So he went home, changed into his business suit, and came back to work.

What's funny about it is that another friend in yet another Cube City works for a man who needs to have his hand held. She'll tell him what to wear and when to be somewhere. She'll do all sorts of things to make him look good. One day, he showed up to work in jeans and got sent home to put on a suit. At lunch, he went home to change back into jeans...only to return to work and find that he had another important meeting that afternoon. So he went back home and changed into his suit.

Seriously?

I know we're all well suited for jeans, but if you are important enough that you need to wear a suit now and then, you should probably have a costume change on hand in Cube City.

And the Award Goes to...

2010-01-12T06:41:00.003-06:00

We recently had an embarrassing awards luncheon in Cube City. The leaders of various projects said a few embarrassing words about everyone on the team and then handed out certificates that included those embarrassing words.

Some of the awards were really random. I was recognized for a brand I barely touched and completely unrecognized for a brand that I contributed to on a regular basis. The person who said a few embarrassing words about me described me as "laid back." The way she said it sounded like a bad thing. She went on to say something like, "Don't let that laid-back attitude fool you. Scissor Girl delivers the goods to the client every time!"

Wuh? I thought being laid back was a good thing? Not that I'm good at being laid back (hardly), but apparently somebody was worried about me getting the work done. I guess I didn't seem worried enough? Weird.

I find awards to be odd and unnecessary. I'm sure they're a good thing, but I guess I'm too busy delivering the goods to mull it over. Maybe I'm just not used to being recognized for my work, especially the work I don't work on! I now accept this award for being laid back on brands I don't work on. Thank you very much.

How's Your Heart?

2010-01-11T06:12:00.000-06:00

Do you ever get so involved in your work that you feel your heart racing -- and not in a good way? Lately, I've had so many little things needing my attention in Cube City that I feel like I'm running a mile a minute all day long. I don't have time to relax. Running is supposed to be good for the heart, but only in moderation. I don't think there's any such thing as moderation in Cube City.

The House Bread

2010-01-08T06:23:00.003-06:00

I work with a funny person in Cube City who is really good at presenting information to our clients. She can charm them into loving crap if that's what we've given them. I can't do that.

Lately, she's been cracking me up with the analogies she uses to sell them on various ideas. The other day, she was using the analogy of building a house when explaining budget concerns and how to best use their money on projects. Do they want granite countertops or bay windows? A three-car garage or a swimming pool?

Just one day later, she was using the analogy of bread. She actually told the client that no matter what we decide to create, it's bread. It could be banana bread, honey wheat bread, or pumpkin bread, but it's still bread.

I couldn't help myself. I had to start laughing during the meeting. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a gift to sell crap to clients. I wish I could. So I'll just stick to making the bread instead of explaining how to create or use it.

My Cubicle Kids

2010-01-07T06:15:00.004-06:00

It's quite sobering when you realize that you're one of the old ladies in Cube City...and yet you're still decades away from retirement.

I realized the other day, when a young cube dweller asked for my advice, that I'm no longer a kid in a cube. I'm like the parent of the cubicle kids. It's like they flock to me for approval. In a lot of these situations, I'm not even their boss.

Ack! How did I get here?

I like my cubicle kids, but what am I going to do when they grow up? Am I going to suffer from Empty Cubicle Syndrome? I don't know, but I'm very uncomfortable in this role. I need to go find some older people to work with.

All Dressed Up

2010-01-06T06:06:00.003-06:00

The first week of the year in Cube City is always entertaining. The people around you are cordial, and they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they're cordial because they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they just appear newly dressed in positive attitudes for whatever the reason.

Whatever the reason, I like it.

That Is All

2010-01-05T08:38:00.002-06:00

I haven't really started the New Year out right in Cube City. I haven't been bringing my lunch, which means I've had to answer to the man downstairs at the deli.

I really don't like the man downstairs. Whether I buy a full meal deal or a soda, his response at checkout is always the same: "That is it? That is all you want?"

Look, pal, I'm sorry if I don't bring my cloth recycling bag into the deli and do all of my grocery shopping there, but you could at least try to act a little grateful for my business.

And so a new year of complaining begins. It only took me two days, cube dwellers! That is all.

A New Decade

2010-01-04T08:50:00.001-06:00

It's time to start thinking positively again about Cube City -- until the novelty of the New Year wears off, anyway.

Now that a new decade has commenced, I think back to the millennium years and where I worked throughout them.

2000-2005: A small but inspiring Cube City for the first three years; a disaster under new management (I use the term "management" loosely here) from 2003 onward

2005-2007: A very big, established, and boring Cube City that did not challenge me at all but was nonetheless kind to me; in my disgustingly large amount of downtime, I was able to hone my personal Web surfing skills -- so much that I eventually ran out of ideas on what to Google

2007-present: An "anything goes" type of Cube City where, generally speaking, I'm happy even though I bitch a whole lot and have to frequently beat fires out of my hair

So where have you been the past 10 years? Welcome to a new decade of working, cube dwellers!

About 2009

2009-12-31T06:28:00.001-06:00

Let's never speak of 2009 again. It's been a hard year for a lot of people.

At high noon today, I'm so out of Cube City for the rest of the year, and I just hope 2010 is better for cube dwellers across the land.

Happy New Year to all!

Use Your Noggin

2009-12-30T06:22:00.002-06:00

If you ever feel uninterested in paying attention when others are speaking in Cube City, use your noggin.

You've done it. I've done it. We've all done it. It's a survival strategy for corporate boredom. It's the head nod.

I love observing people in Cube City during speeches and meetings. I wonder what they're thinking when I know I'm bored out of my ever-lovin' mind. I see people nodding their heads like they're listening intently to someone who's undoubtedly boring. When the speaker unexpectedly directs a question at the listener, who is pretending to listen, you can tell that the listener is caught in the lie of a head nod.

I think it's both courteous and disrespectful to feign interest in someone or something with a head nod. I realize that some people are actually interested in boring speakers, and that's fine. To each their own. I say you need to do whatever it takes to stay awake in Cube City to combat boredom. Use your noggin and you'll be just fine.

Skeleton Crew

2009-12-29T06:02:00.001-06:00

It's another short holiday work week in Cube City, with minimal minions doing the work. Being on the skeleton crew can go either way:

There can be way too much to do because there are way too few people to do it.
It can be really quiet because the people who are supposed to be leading the projects don't feel like working and therefore aren't giving you any direction.

It's a little early in the week to say for sure, but so far it's a mix of these scenarios for me. This is good because I need a little flexibility to do my own thing without a lot of "there's nothing to do and the clock won't move forward" boredom. I'm trying to squeeze doctor and dentist appointments into my work schedule this week before my health benefits cycle starts over on January 1st (that's Friday for those of you on the skeleton crew who are facing scenario #2 above with the spare time to read this blog). Hey, appointment hopping is what the healthcare system has given us, so it's time to give back.

Holiday Blues

2009-12-28T06:36:00.003-06:00

The holidays are always a bit dysfunctional and depressing if you're not lying to yourself, and I'm glad to have them behind me. However, I'm not glad to have the paid holiday time behind me. It goes too fast. Now I'm back in Cube City and thinking about the next time I'll be off work, which, after New Year's Day, looks like late April. That just seems like a lifetime away, and I don't feel rested or ready for a new year of challenges. I hope it's a quiet week in Cube City. I need to feel like I've had a vacation from something. I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Lost: The Sequel

2009-12-23T06:41:00.002-06:00

Oh, blast it all to hell. I have lost my ID badge again. That makes a total of $30 this year spent on trying to get myself back into Cube City. What's wrong with this picture? Who pays money to work? I guess I do. Grumble.

I don't know how it happened this time. All I know is that I reached for my ID badge yesterday morning, but it was not in its usual place. It wasn't anywhere else either. I've been in a NyQuil fog for over a week, thanks to sickly germs I undoubtedly acquired in Cube City, so who knows -- or even cares, at this point -- where it went?

Well, that's my last grand stunt before the office closes for a few days. Hope you all get at least a few days of rest and relaxation away from Cube City. I'll be back on Monday, and I want a badge for that.

Remembering Remy

2009-12-22T09:09:00.002-06:00

It's a sad day, cube dwellers, and I don't feel much like writing about Cube City today. My new cube mate's brother Remy passed away in a sudden and tragic accident yesterday, and I am terribly sad for his owner and extended family. Remy was a bigger version of my new cube mate in every way, so this really hits home. If you have pets, please go home and hug them.

Romancing the Cubicle

2009-12-21T06:12:00.003-06:00

Lately, I've seen a few guys trying to get their game on with the ladies in Cube City. I find it kind of funny...and kind of frightening at the same time.

I know from experience that you don't want to get your honey where you get your money. You don't want to get your sex where you get your checks. It's just a really bad idea. Sure, it will be fun at first, but it will most likely turn bad for you, your honey, and your money.

So, to all you cube dwellers trying to get a honey in Cube City, all I can do is say -- if you want to play, you'd better update your resume.

The Man Downstairs

2009-12-18T06:49:00.003-06:00

It's been a weird year in Cube City, especially downstairs in the deli. When the deli first opened, a lot of cube dwellers were very excited because it was the only place to get food without leaving the building.

But time passed, and the novelty wore off. I don't know if others notice the strangeness, but there are some weird men running the deli. The first man seemed very happy and thankful for everyone's business in the beginning...until the novelty wore off and he started openly complaining about how bad business was. Time passed, and apparently he did too.

Now there's a new man running the deli downstairs, and he's way too happy and excited about being there. What's super-weird is that he wears a shirt that advertises the name of one cafe, but the receipt lists the name of a completely different cafe, and neither the shirt nor the receipt match the name of the sign on the deli door. I just wonder how many men it takes to run a deli? I don't know, but I wouldn't ask the man downstairs.

All Over the Place

2009-12-17T06:30:00.003-06:00

Lately, and quite frequently, I've been pulled in a lot of different directions in Cube City. I've been forced to multi-task so severely that I'm really not mentally present in any given place at any given time. How is that possible when I'm physically EVERYWHERE?

Cube Q&A: Giving Guidance

2009-12-16T06:22:00.004-06:00

Q: As a peon in Cube City, is it really my responsibility to provide basic guidance to a senior-level executive?

A: Dearest peon, it's cute that you expect higher-level people to know basic things. Aim lower.

I Have No Snowballs

2009-12-15T06:09:00.003-06:00

Yesterday in my Cube City, we got a seasonal email reminder about what to do when inclement weather is upon us. Basically, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that the office will close. However, we were nicely informed to take a vacation day if we don't feel comfortable risking our lives to get to work.

There's not a snowball's chance in hell that most companies would so clearly put this type of information in writing, so I'll take it.

Fresh Meat

2009-12-14T06:09:00.002-06:00

I've been lucky to work with some really great people in Cube City. One of them has been on maternity leave for a few months, which is not great (for me).

Change can be hard, especially in Cube City. It can turn you into dead meat if the circumstances don't go your way.

But change can also be a very good thing. With a great person being on maternity leave, I initially feared that I'd turn into dead meat. Instead, I've had the opportunity to work with Fresh Meat, and it's gone really well. Fresh Meat has a different way of doing things, as he should because he's a different person...but he's still very talented and enjoyable to work with. It's just nice to realize how change can be so fresh and good.

Chickens

2009-12-11T06:24:00.002-06:00

It was a dark and stormy Wednesday in Cube City. I had just left one meeting and joined another already in progress. I checked my Facebook, as a girl is wont to do after concentrating on work for too long. I noticed one Friend's status, which went something like this:

Chickens with heads cut off! Ugh!

I turned to a cube dweller sitting next to me, showed him my Friend's status on Facebook, and said, "Do you think she's talking about us? She posted this during our last meeting."

I wouldn't blame her for thinking we're all chickens with our heads cut off. It's how we operate in Cube City. There's no time to think through anything or propose solid solutions. The thing is, people who get frustrated never seem to let it out. They just implode and then post passive-aggressive statements for everyone to see on Facebook. To me, that's just as chicken as running around with your head cut off.

Meeting of the Minds

2009-12-10T06:26:00.002-06:00

Lately, it's been hard to get into a conference room on time in Cube City. People's meetings are running over the allotted time slots on a regular basis, and there are few conference rooms to go around anyway. But, really, I wonder why I've had to wait outside the door so much for people to wrap up their meetings. Don't we all hate meetings? Why isn't everyone making a mad rush for the door as soon as time's up, if not sooner? I don't know, but I think we need a meeting of the minds to get this right.

On My Nerves

2009-12-09T06:43:00.003-06:00

Scissor Girl is getting a workout in Cube City this week with some serious carpal tunnel syndrome. Ironically, carpal tunnel isn't working my nerves near as hard as some of the people I'm working with...but before I go off on another tangent, I'll just stop typing and start repairing the nerve damage.

SOS

2009-12-08T06:28:00.002-06:00

Yesterday couldn't have been more of a shit storm in Cube City. I'm working on a project with a really unorganized person right now, and I just hate it. After making massive edits to an unplanned project all day, I got a request at the end of the day to do everything over with a complete change of direction.

The person wanted changes "ASAP."

I'm not going to entertain you with what "ASAP" stands for in my world right now. All I can say is that lack of organization on one person's part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Not at the end of the day. Not after I handed you everything you asked for on a silver platter. You really can't have diarrhea of the mouth at the end of the day and expect people to clean up after you. I can only stand so much of a shit storm before needing to come up for fresh air.

It's a new day, but it sure feels like the "SOS" (same old shit).

Don't Try This At Home

2009-12-07T06:16:00.002-06:00

Scissor Girl has got nuttin' to say today. I'm trying this 30-day workout experiment that hurts me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Like a mutha.

Every day.

I'm on Day 7 of this workout experiment from hell, and it's not getting any easier. You know how there are times when focusing on work in Cube City is impossible because you're hurtin' like a mutha from stupid human tricks you try at home? That's where I'm at today.

It's My Friday

2009-12-03T06:28:00.002-06:00

It grates on my nerves when cube dwellers brag about taking time off when they know damn well that you're going to be stuck in Cube City. They'll come up to you on a Thursday, grinning from ear to ear, and flauntingly say, "It's my Friday."

Don't you just want to smack them?

Well, I usually want to smack them, but now it's my turn. Guess what? It's my Friday! Yes, indeed, I am off work tomorrow. I'd brag more about it, except that it's my last day off of the year, minus one paid holiday weekend. So please hold the smacking. I think my Monday is going to last for the rest of the month.

Guesstimates

2009-12-02T06:19:00.002-06:00

I don't like providing estimates in Cube City. I know they're important. But usually I don't have enough information about a project to provide a good estimate of how long it will take. I end up taking guesses.

I remember My Paper Boss telling me that he'd been providing estimates for 15 years and had no idea if any of them were ever close. He'd just throw out a number and never hear about it again. Maybe I should be more like him. Maybe I should just throw out my guesstimate and not worry about it anymore. I guess I just hate guessing.

Stapler Boy

2009-12-01T06:25:00.004-06:00

Why do grown boys fiddle with things? I was sitting in a conference room with a grown boy yesterday, and he was fiddling with a stapler that someone had left on the table. He pressed the stapler down, extracted a few staples, and started unbending their edges. When he got bored with that, he tore the plastic cover off his iPhone and started pressing on the edges of the cover. I think he was trying to break his own property. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish, actually, but I find that boys -- in Cube City and elsewhere -- like to fiddle with things. I just don't understand why. I'm glad I am Scissor Girl, not Stapler Boy.

Cyber Monday

2009-11-30T06:17:00.004-06:00

It's Cyber Monday, which means a lot of people will be shopping online in Cube City instead of doing their work.

I wonder how many cube dwellers participate in Cyber Monday. Do employers take this Monday after Thanksgiving into account with the other times their employees do personal time on the company dime?

Scissor Girl decided to find out. According to this article about Cyber Monday, the boss's Internet will get a workout today. The writer of this article sticks up for us minions and says we'll actually save our employers some money today because we won't spend extra time during our lunch hours getting trapped in long checkout lines.

So shop away, dear cube dwellers. Maybe we can someday get our employers to turn Cyber Monday into a national holiday. That's the biggest thing on my wish list today.

Thursday Thanks

2009-11-25T06:33:00.002-06:00

Scissor Girl is thankful that Thanksgiving always falls on Thursday. While I'm thankful that I get paid for not coming to Cube City tomorrow, I'm more thankful that I get paid for not coming to the weekly staffing meeting. Like Thanksgiving, the staffing meeting always falls on Thursday.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Thursday, everyone!

The Cube Whisperer

2009-11-24T06:31:00.002-06:00

A dear friend of mine in a different Cube City has worked at the same large, established corporation for her entire career. She's probably put close to 30 years into that place and has spent most of her time in a cushy office. However, since we all know that employee benefits get worse instead of better as the years go by, it's no surprise that her loyalty and service have been rewarded with a downgrade to a cubicle.

Whenever I talk to her on the phone during office hours now, she'll whisper. She's just not comfortable with cubicle life at all. It's kind of funny to me. She shuts down when her cube neighbors talk, laugh, gossip, or yell at their kids on the phone because she's just not used to hearing all those voices when she's trying to concentrate on her work. It's really hard to have a conversation with her when she's whispering into the phone, and I hope she gets her cushy office back someday. If not, she will be known to me as the Cube Whisperer.

Bags Fly Free

2009-11-23T07:07:00.003-06:00

Scissor Girl had a great weekend at home with her significant stapler, which made coming to Cube City that much harder today. I guess I'm just year-end tired, and I don't know how to cure the exhaustion and the frightening carry-on bags stowed under my eyes. I'm starting to remember that I'm a dumb ass for being in Cube City during a holiday week, though. This is going to be a short week from hell. When will I learn to take flight from Cube City at the holidays? How many mechanical problems is it going to take? If I ever figure it out, I'll share my secrets here with you.

I'm wishing my fellow cube dwellers a short week from a more heavenly place than hell, whatever that looks like to you. You are now free to move about the cubicle.

The Seagull

2009-11-20T06:30:00.003-06:00

There's a guy in Cube City who apparently thinks a lot of himself. He's like a seagull. He'll fly into a room, shit all over your work, and leave without offering alternative ideas or solutions. I know there are flocks of seagulls in Cube City. This is nothing new. I just wish the seagulls would migrate elsewhere.

Give Me a Break

2009-11-19T06:25:00.003-06:00

I did a volunteer gig for Cube City last weekend. In truth, I got volunteered after it became clear to the organizers that too few cube dwellers were willing to voluntarily give up their weekends.

Sigh.

You know, it was a good experience. The nonprofit organization we helped couldn't have been more thankful, and meeting their needs was both interesting and rewarding. But working the weekend is exhausting. It takes a toll on your soul. I'm just now starting to recover from the reality of working the weekend without a break, probably because I'm really focusing on the upcoming weekend of not working.

I guess it just irks me that people have the nerve to volunteer you when you communicate a complete lack of interest in volunteering yourself. 'Tis the season to give, I suppose, but give me a break.

More Evidence Has Surfaced

2009-11-18T06:22:00.005-06:00

You know I've drawn many parallels between Cube City and prison. Well, dear cube dwellers, the parallels continue.

I work in a division of Cube City that requires anything we create to go through several rounds of legal review. Yesterday, I received notice that a project I'd completely forgotten about had resurfaced from the depths of legal review. The project had been locked down in the client's legal process for so long that I had forgotten what it looked like, or that it had even existed.

As I made the updates needed to satisfy the project's legal reviewers, I found myself wondering what it would be like if we put projects through our nation's criminal justice system. Would the projects go to trial any quicker than human beings? Probably not, but the snail's pace of legal review is simply stunning to me at times. I believe it should be a crime for legal review to take so long, but the jury is still out on that one.

Is It Thanksgiving Yet?

2009-11-17T06:34:00.002-06:00

Scissor Girl needs a break from Cube City. Bad.

That Guy

2009-11-16T06:40:00.004-06:00

I just finished a project with a guy who's new to my department in Cube City. He's not new to the company, but you sure wouldn't know it from working with him. It's bizarre how we can work for different departments in the same company and operate in a completely different manner. How does that happen?

This guy seems to think it's okay to give me no time to do my part of the project. Is he new? Lord. I had to nip his belief system in the bud. I pushed back and let him know that he wasn't going to hog all the project hours to make his stuff look good, only to give me a few minutes (I wish I was exaggerating) to make it sound good.

He knew that he was in the wrong. He probably knew before I nipped him, but he's used to operating in complete and utter chaos. He finds it acceptable, based on how he treats the people around him. (And yes, I saw him treat others this way before I started beating him over the head with a mallet.) When I was done with him, he said, "This project is just out of control. I'll try not to be that guy in the future who asks for things at the last minute."

I guess I wonder why he feels like he has no control? Why isn't he pushing back if the deadlines are unreasonable? He's in a relatively senior position and is acting like an amateur. If you don't want to be that guy, don't even start out that way. Don't consider it an option...unless you want that girl to bash your head in. Damn straight.

Nonfat Venti Friday

2009-11-13T06:00:00.003-06:00

It's Friday, which means I'll see a lot more (or at least bigger) Starbucks cups in Cube City. It never fails. The coffee cups get bigger and more frequent in cube dwellers' hands as the week progresses.

I'm not a coffee drinker, but I love the Starbucks experience. Brew me a tall, nonfat, extra-hot, light-whip hot chocolate, and I feel like I've got a cup of "I Can Do Anything Today." Starbucks is extra hot with me right now because I love-love-love the red holiday cup. Okay, it's way too early to be celebrating the holidays, but at least there's something to celebrate in Cube City during these bleak economic times. When the economy is weak, the coffee should be strong. Period.

What's in your red cup?

Surviving the Sickness

2009-11-12T06:28:00.006-06:00

I'm supposed to check in periodically with a guy in another branch of Cube City. I didn't like him until I tried really hard to understand him. And now, I just think he's fun to watch...from afar.

This guy is all about drama. He's stressed out at all times. It's like he has a drama virus and spreads it to all of his direct reports. I think they like him and find his drama contagious, but surely they know he's not well. If he could just learn to wash his hands of certain things, he'd help prevent infection across cubicles.

Let's use Janelle (not her real name) as an example.

Janelle: This is too much work for one person. I can't handle this workload and wanted to let you know that I don't think I'll make a lot of these deadlines.

Drama Guy: OMG! I think we just broke Janelle!

How does Drama Guy's response solve problems? I mean, c'mon. Why be a terrorist about it? Janelle was just being responsible by speaking up. She was letting him know that she needed help meeting deadlines. But from Drama Guy's response, you'd think Janelle had jumped out of a window and broken her back or something. He could've reassured her that she is only one person and therefore can only do the work of one person (well, really, three people around here). Heck, he could've taken a cue from Golden Boy and yelled, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!" Like Golden Boy, he could've just blamed it all on staffing issues. But, no, he had to do it his way.

I'll be checking in with Drama Guy soon. I think I'll keep some antibacterial hand gel nearby. His attitude can be very contagious, and I'd rather cure illnesses than create them.

Dear God

2009-11-11T06:30:00.003-06:00

Dear God,

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Sure, I'd love a paid Cube City holiday in honor of Veterans Day, but that would mean I'd be a banker or postal worker most other weekdays of the year.

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Thank you, God.

Love,
Scissor Girl

Cube Q&A: Interns

2009-11-10T06:37:00.003-06:00

Q: What does it mean when your boss tells you to hire at the intern level in Cube City?

A: Dear cube dweller, interns are young and cheap. They are desperate and hungry for work. They can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere. Thanks to their stack of rejection letters and limited pool of networks, they have no self esteem and do not realize their worth or talent. It sounds like your company is cheap and unwilling to pay for someone who knows what they're doing. That said, have fun training your fragile intern in addition to all of your own work duties.

Man of the Hour (and a Half)

2009-11-09T06:16:00.002-06:00

I know you're all waiting with bated breath to hear about my time with the 15-minute meeting guy in Cube City. Well, I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that after his Calendar Nazi rescheduled our original meeting time, it got cancelled all together.

The reason? He needed to "prepare to be out of the office." What does that mean? He needed to pack for a trip to Bermuda or something? I was starting to feel extremely unimportant until other unimportant people told me that they'd received the same cancellation and excuse. So then I was back to just feeling unimportant.

Soon after the cancellation, I received an invitation to hear him speak to the company -- this time for a whole hour instead of 15 minutes. Finally, I was going to meet him and see what he had to say.

OMG. He had plenty to say. The guy loved to talk! After an hour and a half, he wrapped up his one-hour meeting. I liked some of what he had to say, but I've become so disillusioned in Cube City over the years that it's hard to believe in anything or anyone right away. It takes more than your confident speaking tone for me to get excited. I need to see results, and those take time. I'll give him a chance to prove himself, but for right now, he's just the man of the hour (and a half).

Talking Trash

2009-11-06T06:17:00.003-06:00

After spending a few days in a city that smells like a dumpster, I'm thinking Cube City looks pretty good.

I really couldn't believe all the trash that littered a historic and architectural marvel like New Orleans. I also hadn't seen that many aimless local loiterers since my first and only visit to Phoenix in 1995. It just wasn't my type of place (though the oysters, alcohol, jazz, and po'boys were f'ing fantastic).

While I was hanging out in the Big Easy, Cube City was hit hard with more layoffs. I'm thankful that I missed all of that. I didn't even see it coming. I'm thankful that my team was unaffected by difficult decisions. It's hard when trash litters your landscape and you have to figure out how to clean up the mess.

Could Somebody Please Turn the Lights On?

2009-11-02T06:28:00.002-06:00

I've been stumbling around in Cube City lately with questions ranging from little black holes to gigantic blackouts in my brain. I would kill for some light to shine on one of my projects. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I fear that it is most likely a freight train with the maximum amount of box cars allowed.

What's the best possible solution when you don't know what you're doing? You go on vacation, of course! Unfortunately, I'll be working while I'm on vacation, but at least I'll get to be in the dark whenever I choose this time around (e.g., I can't respond to your email because I'm on a plane...or in a bar...or in a bar that makes me feel like I'm flying).

I'm going to take the next three days off and head to New Orleans. Sure, I'll be doing some work, but I'll be having some fun too. I'll be doing some heavy drinking, so perhaps I'll get clarity. For some reason, I tend to think I understand what I'm doing when I'm loaded, and isn't that half the battle in Cube City?

I hope this work-vacation isn't a total train wreck. I'll report back to you on Friday.

Wanted: Accountant Who Can Do Math

2009-10-30T06:56:00.003-05:00

I'm a words person, not a numbers person. But I think I manage my finances pretty well. And in Cube City, where we just can't seem to put into words how we manage money, I look like a friggin' CPA.

Sigh.

We seem to have no problem ordering 60 pizzas to bribe people to come to a "mandatory" meeting, but we have major problems hiring more people to help get the work done. Instead, we expect people to spend their free time working. Meanwhile, our grossly overpaid executives travel in style and spend $1500 on lavish client dinners. I don't even want to know what all they expense to the company. All I know is that it comes at a cost.

Who does the math and makes these decisions? If that's how we do math in Cube City, my days here as a CPA would certainly be numbered.

Accentuating the Positive

2009-10-29T06:24:00.003-05:00

Okay, cube dwellers, that's it. I'm tired of ranting this week. I'm tired of my negativity. It's time to accentuate the positive in Cube City.

Speaking of accents, I work with a woman who has a very distinct and sophisticated accent. Everything she says sounds cool and important:

It's not a status meeting, people. It's a STATE-us meeting.
It's not a REsource but rather a reSOURCE.

I've received a lot of emails from her this week, with requests for STATE-us and reSOURCES, and all I can say is that she's in my head. When I read her emails, it's like her voice takes over my brain, and I can hear her reading her messages to me with fancy accentuations in all the right places. How does she do that? I don't think I ever hear other cube dwellers' voices in my head when I read their emails. It's just positively cool.

It's the Not-So-Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

2009-10-28T06:29:00.004-05:00

OMG. We're supposed to have a pumpkin-themed potluck in Cube City tomorrow.

Ain't no way.

I can't imagine eating a bunch of pumpkin foods, like pumpkin casserole with a pumpkin pie chaser.

One cube dweller said this is a good opportunity to get botulism. No, thanks!

I have to stop and think, WWCBD (What Would Charlie Brown Do)? After all, in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," all Charlie Brown wants is to be invited to a Halloween party. Instead, he goes trick-or-treating and sadly comes home with a bag full of rocks.

But would Charlie Brown want to be invited to this party?

I won't be contributing to, or participating in, the not-so-great pumpkin potluck. A bag of rocks sounds more appealing than a bag of botulism.

TEIM

2009-10-27T06:17:00.001-05:00

There really is an "I" in TEAM, dear cube dwellers: TEIM. See? There has to be. If you depend on your TEAM in Cube City, especially at the beginning of a project, you are bound to fail.

I've got angst, it's true. I think it's because I'm at the beginning of two new projects right now, and I am marching blindly forward. I'll know what I'm doing once I'm done, but right now is just a total mind-blowing mystery.

On one of my projects, the key people are never around. They have all the knowledge and no time to transfer it. I'm sort of surprised because this is a high-profile project that is dear to our CEO's heart. You'd think they would be slobbering all over the brown-nosing opportunities to make sure things go smoothly.

On the other project, I think most of the people are new to the brand, and the client is simply a moron who can't articulate the business objectives to herself, let alone anyone else. There's not much I, or anyone else, on the team can do about that. So we don't get the information we need until we've burned through a lot of hours and budget. Then we get to start all over again. It's all such a waste of time, effort, and money.

So I am just taking stabs in the dark and making uneducated guesses until I learn from every mistake I make. I think it's like this at the beginning of any new project, but I'm getting a double-whammy reminder of how much I hate this phase of the project lifecycle. Right now, it's all about me.

No 15 Minutes for You

2009-10-26T06:33:00.004-05:00

In case you've been feverishly awaiting my assessment of the 15-minute meeting guy, I've got news for you: I'm not important. (Okay, so that's not really news.) The meeting got moved by his personal Calendar Nazi in a New York minute, so I'll be meeting with him next month instead. Or so says his personal Calendar Nazi. Stay tuned for more minute details about this star-studded event in Cube City.

Lunch for Two

2009-10-23T06:40:00.005-05:00

I used to work with a guy in Cube City who lied to his wife about lots of weird stuff. There was one weird thing he lied to her about on a daily basis: Lunch.

This guy was in charge of the household bills, so I'm guessing his wife never saw where the money went. The weird thing was that he'd bring his lunch to work every day, throw it in the trash, and then ask various co-workers to go out to lunch. It was a big secret too. Before holiday parties and other company functions where we'd inevitably see his wife, he'd tell us to keep our mouths shut about going out to lunch. He was really concerned about getting caught.

I don't understand the need to hide these things. If it's a matter of the wife packing a lunch that sucks, you open your mouth and say, "You know, this sucks. I won't eat it. Let's go shopping for things I'll eat." Or heck, if it's a matter of wanting to get out of the office for good food and good company, wouldn't it be easier and far less wasteful to just say you want to eat out? Surely, it wasn't about money; the guy spent money on two lunches every day, despite one of them going directly into the trash can.

I don't want to know what it's like to live his double life. A double lunch seems like trouble enough to me.

Making More Conversation

2009-10-22T06:41:00.000-05:00

Well, copywriter birth season 2009 has ended in Cube City. The drought will now resume, as we will have no more birthday lunches until next July. Luckily, we stocked up on provisions at our last birthday lunch. Here are a few of the topics we covered:

Bollywood video dancers
Southern accents of licensed plumbers
How time flies when you watch kids during the week
How time drags when you watch kids during the weekend
Chicken fried steak (the staple of our birthday lunch conversations)
The fascinating stupidity of the helium balloon boy hoax
The depression that comes with filling out time sheets on Monday morning
The hatred of being shamed by Office Assistant #82 when you submit your time late vs. not at all
Football (which happens when you go to lunch with boys and/or Texans)

The 15-Minute Meeting

2009-10-21T06:33:00.003-05:00

In Cube City, there are some people who are really popular. Then there are some people who are really unpopular. Furthermore, there are people who are really popular...until they're really unpopular.

Later this week, I am supposed to spend 15 minutes with a really popular new hire. He's the replacement for a previously popular hire who became widely unpopular. From what I've heard at the water cooler, he really likes to talk and is crazy...in a good way.

I'll decide for myself and will attempt to report back to you. I just hope that since he's a talker, he's not the boy version of the 30-minute answer girl because I think his popularity will fade pretty quickly if that's the case.

Oooky Dooky

2009-10-20T06:15:00.005-05:00

I regrouped with my amusing friend from a different Cube City, and she wants you all to know that French pedicures are oooky because it's as though feet are trying to be too much like fingers. I'm sure we can all get some sleep now.

Oh, and she also wants you to know that wooden Nutcracker figurines -- the ones people use as Christmas decorations -- are oooky because:

Nothing about them says Christmas
They have freakish hinge-jaw faces

Oooky dooky. I think we're done here.

Same Job, Different Face

2009-10-19T06:13:00.003-05:00

I need to process something, cube dwellers, and I hope you can help me.

Last week in Cube City, I received a resume from our recruiter for a position that's not even open, but that's not the part I find difficult to process. The resume's owner was the long-time girlfriend (at least 8 years, maybe longer) of the only person I've ever had to fire -- except that, according to her new last name, she's now married to that guy.

Okaaaay. Who besides me thinks this is odd? May I see a show of hands? What person in their right mind would apply for the same position in the same company where her then-boyfriend-now-husband got fired -- especially when the position isn't even hiring?!

Surely this is a joke. Ugh. Weird. But maybe it isn't...and that's the part that I find most difficult to process.

A Pedi for Your Thoughts

2009-10-16T06:34:00.001-05:00

I have an amusing friend in a different Cube City with a very specific list of the things that bother her. You don't hear or see the list all at once, as it's in her head. But if you unknowingly bring something up in conversation that happens to be on the list, you are going to hear about it.

The last time we got together, she was telling me how she likes French manicures but thinks French pedicures are oooky. I can't say that I had an opinion one way or the other before she started explaining why French pedicures are wrong. I can't even remember her reasons for why French pedicures are wrong, but she somehow convinced me that they are indeed oooky.

At a meeting the other day in Cube City, I was sitting next to a woman with open-toed shoes who had -- you guessed it -- a French pedicure. I found myself inching up to the conference room table so as not to have to see her feet. I was getting oooked out. It's interesting how a friend's thoughts can influence how you view the feet below you.

Another Year, Another Rain Check

2009-10-15T06:09:00.001-05:00

It wouldn't be much of a feat for Mother Nature to throw some rain our way today, considering rain is about all we've seen for the past several weeks. However, it's October 15th, and I really can't seem to think about anything in Cube City on this date except the spooky rain check story.

Happy October 15th, my soggy cube dwellers!

The Bermuda Triangle

2009-10-14T06:32:00.004-05:00

The brand planning madness continues in Cube City, and it's making m'head spin.

A very intelligent cube dweller put a few slides together to demonstrate the strategic nature of our tactics and then presented them to a small number of people on the internal brand team.

A few of us met without the very intelligent cube dweller to discuss her slides, particularly a framework that shows how we can integrate the planning of our tactics through a triangle effect. We sat there and struggled through the tactics, trying to decide how to map them into triangles. Were the triangles confusing and unnecessary, or were we just stupid?

We concluded both, so we asked our very intelligent cube dweller to come into the room to play a triangle game with us. We ran through the tactics, and she was able to map everything to triangles and explain it all in a way that made sense. I can't really explain it to you on my own, but it sounded good when she was talking about it.

I'm not really one to think in terms of triangles, or even strategic frameworks, and I found myself briefly depressed to be in a situation where I was mapping ideas into triangles. I felt sort of lost, like I was in the Bermuda Triangle. Reaching common ground is good, but it's even better to find your way home to what you know.

Office Assistant #82

2009-10-13T06:20:00.003-05:00

Well, it's that time again in Cube City: Office Assistant #82 is born.

**Sigh**

I haven't really met our 82nd office assistant yet. Somebody walked a random woman through the office the other day and said, "Oh, and that's Scissor Girl," as they breezed by my desk. I'm assuming that was her. I waved and figured she was a new hire whose name and title I'd never know unless we worked together directly on something. That's how it works around here.

All I've seen of her is the all-too-familiar emails about who's out of the office, and they're riddled with errors...just like with Office Assistant #81. But when you consider that #81 is training #82, it's no big surprise.

We'll see how long Office Assistant #82 lasts. Six months appears to be the standing record. Mark your calendar.

Making Conversation

2009-10-12T06:23:00.005-05:00

When I go to lunch with the quiet Cube City copywriters, I need to start taking notes. This is an eccentric group, and I find the variety of conversation topics to be very entertaining. At one of our recent lunches, here are a few topics we covered:

Shoe repair for high-heeled boots
Chicken fried steak (note: I think we talk about this glorious dish every time we meet)
The tragedy of failed white fluffy frosting from the Joy of Cooking
Halloween costumes, including the many variations of Michael Jackson we'll inevitably see this year
Small-town motels
The discipline required to wait until your birthday to open gifts you've received in the mail
Whataburger taquitos (hey, we were hungry)
Marathon training and when/if beer is a good hydration option
The learning curve of a French press, or the tweaking required to make coffee that doesn't look like mud
Origami
The "overstyled" look of the latest Acura TL

I find it amazing that we cover so many topics since you can feel the tension and effort required to make conversation within this group. It's a victory to reflect on these times and see what happens when we open our mouths and form sentences. Go, team!

New Week's Resolutions, Part Deux

2009-10-09T06:08:00.010-05:00

It's the end of the week in Cube City, and I'm here to report on my new week's resolution. I think my track record with resolutions is generally pretty poor, but you can't blame a girl for trying. How did Scissor Girl do?

Monday: I attended a cube dweller's birthday lunch and ordered a chili cheese dog. What the hell was I thinking?! Idiot! To make matters worse, a cube neighbor informed me that she had a very impressive candy jar with just about every kind of candy I could want. She was right, and I wanted/consumed just about every kind. In my defense, I didn't visit the original Candyland, but how was I supposed to know that a shiny new branch of the candy bank would be opening up next door to me? Monday: FAIL.

Tuesday: One minute, I was telling myself to stay away from the new branch of the candy bank. The next minute, I was a loyal customer making continuous withdrawals. Tuesday: EPIC FAIL. (Editor's note: Scissor Girl had to sweat out 21 writeups for a brand planning meeting and actually finished her assignment early due to all the candy coursing through her veins.)

Wednesday: I visited the new branch of the candy bank twice. Yes, twice. That's about 8,000 fewer visits than the previous two days, but I should've just stuck with online banking. Wednesday: PATHETIC BORDERLINE FAIL.

Thursday: I didn't let myself visit the candy bank at all. If I needed to talk to the candy banker, I called or emailed. No drive-thrus, no walk-ins. I busied myself with work and carrot sticks. It just wasn't the same...in so many ways. I finally met my resolution, if only for the day. Thursday: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

Friday: Today is yet to be determined, but I'm working from my safe place. There's never any food here that isn't healthy, so I'm predicting success unless the cupcake fairy shows up at my door. Note to self about Friday: DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR.

How did it go with your own resolutions for this week?

Desperately Seeking Acceptance

2009-10-08T06:54:00.004-05:00

I work with two people in Cube City who were hired at about the same time in the same discipline. There's something else they have in common: Both of them mark all of their calendar invitations as "tentative." They don't offer explanations either. They just mark everything with a noncommittal "tentative."

I hate that.

I think this is how they were trained, so they're not going to change. But I find an unexplained "tentative" RSVP very hard to accept. I realize that an invitation to a project meeting is not near as exciting as an invitation to a vodka party, but there are times when I need to know if you're going to show up or not.

I want to invite these two cube dwellers to rethink their training. But since it's really not my place to tell them how to think, I'm tentative in my invitation. I'll just have to accept that this is how things are, but I don't have to like it. I should probably start bringing vodka to my meetings.

Extracted

2009-10-07T06:24:00.004-05:00

When you live the reality of Cube City, there's no movie you can better relate to than Office Space. From having a case of the Mondays to bashing the stupid fax machine with a bat, the characters in Office Space really bring cubicle depression to life.

But now the makers of Office Space have released a new film called Extract. Has anyone seen it yet? My significant stapler and I were going to see it over the weekend but just didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, much like Peter in Office Space when he decided he just didn't want to go to work anymore...or pay his bills. But we did watch the trailer for Extract online, and it looked funny...in a depressing sort of way.

If you've seen Extract, please share your review here!

Crickets

2009-10-06T06:27:00.004-05:00

October is always tough in Texas. After a long, hot, and dry summer, there's a massive cricket outbreak. Everywhere you go, you see crickets. You hear crickets.

October is always tough in Cube City too. This is the time of year when we start brand planning for next year. We come up with the big ideas we want to pitch to our existing clients to see what they'll go for and how we can convince them to spend their advertising dollars with us. We have brainstorms. We list our ideas. We prioritize our ideas. We categorize our ideas within strategic frameworks. We put presentations together that represent our ideas. Then, of course, we present our ideas.

Lately, I've been involved in brainstorms where nobody is jumping up to present great ideas. I think we're all exhausted and have run out of ideas. It doesn't help that most of our ideas never see the light of day. I feel badly for the people who are leading these meetings. All they're hearing is crickets.

I wish the remedy was as simple as rubbing our legs together until some chirping comes out. I can't say that I've actually tried this, but I think it would work only for males, if at all. I guess I'll just keep thinking in hopes that I can come up with some ideas to put in the hopper.

New Week's Resolutions

2009-10-05T06:11:00.002-05:00

Today in Cube City, I resolve to avoid Candyland. The candy man says he won't be refilling his candy dish after this week, as he'll be going to Europe on a fancy vacation. I guess I'll just challenge myself to stay away from the candy so that I can (a) avoid buying bigger pants, and (b) practice coping for the candy man's departure.

In other words, watch out. Scissor Girl could get cranky.

Do you have any resolutions for the week?

10/2

2009-10-02T06:01:00.003-05:00

It's going to be a great day in Cube City. Well, okay, I'm not sure about the Cube City part, but hey...at least it's Friday.

But Friday or not, I think 10/2 is a great day overall. I'm not a big fan of Lance Armstrong's enormous ego, but I think it's pretty cool that he celebrates 10/2 as, "The day I was diagnosed with cancer was the day I started to live." I'm reminded that some people have bigger problems.

I like 10/2 for more significant reasons too. It's the day that I met my significant stapler, who has officially put up with me for four years! Every 10/2, we buy a living thing and plant it in our yard -- not a person or animal that we bury alive, for clarification, but rather a plant or tree of some kind. It's just a sentimental way that we like to celebrate our day.

What's a great day to you? Happy 10/2!

Who You Gonna Call?

2009-10-01T06:03:00.005-05:00

Welcome to October. In Cube City, Halloween has come early. I park on the dungeon level of the parking garage, and lately I've been attacked by dirty cobwebs dangling from the rafters. It's like Cube City is trying to trap me within a tangled web, and I don't like it at all.

I have to wonder who I need to call to bust these tangled webs. Is there a custodian who occasionally vacuums the rafters of the garage? Are we just supposed to pull these webs down ourselves and hope the spiders have long since abandoned them?

I know that, as a digital agency, we provide web services...but cobwebs were not exactly what I think any of us had in mind.

S c a r y.

Getting Pissed

2009-09-30T06:19:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was crazy in Cube City. CRAZY! It started with me digging out from 40 emails I received overnight -- and by "emails," I mean a pissing match between two team members. Why two team members were pissing on each other and copying me on emails they were sending at 2:30 AM is beyond crazy.

But it's always interesting to hear what each person has to say.

Pissy Person #1: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because she's providing feedback on things that were due two weeks ago. If you can't keep up, that's not my problem. I've had it. I just had to tell her that this is done and over with, you know? She sends way too many emails after the fact.

Pissy Person #2: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because I've been stretched too thin. I've been traveling or I've been in planning meetings, and I've just now had time to dig out of my inbox. I always start with my project managers first because they send me the most emails. I had 11 emails from one of them and then 107 -- 107, Scissor Girl! -- from Pissy Person #1. Pissy Person #1 sends way too many emails.

What happens in pissing matches like this is that nobody can solve anything. By the time each pissy person has relieved themselves, everything is all watered down. It sort of pisses me off because I'm drowning in email threads, trying to separate the pissing from the real work I need to do. If I had the time, interest, and credentials to do a thorough urinalysis, you'd be calling me Dr. Scissor Girl, and I'd be working for a whole lot more than scissors.

Don't (Always) Fear the Reaper

2009-09-29T06:37:00.005-05:00

Yesterday in Cube City, my neighbor's phone rang, and I heard her gasp. She collected herself and then answered the phone.

When she hung up, she said, "Whew. That scared me!"

When she told me who called, and it turned out to be the guy in HR who fires people, I replied, "That poor guy. He's the Reaper. Nobody wants to associate with him!"

Luckily, the Reaper wasn't calling to deliver fearful news, but it's hard to change how you feel about someone who can punt you out the door. At least we have caller ID so that we can see him coming.

Would You Like Some Cheese With Your Whine?

2009-09-28T06:39:00.008-05:00

Note to cube dwellers: Your boss doesn't care and doesn't want to hear about it, so shut your pie hole.

The one thing that bothers me about being a boss is when people act like spoiled brats. It's amazing how direct reports in Cube City will whine when you lean in and pretend like you're listening to them.

I'll listen to someone who has a good point and is clearly being taken advantage of. I also think I'm pretty good at protecting the people who report to me when necessary. But when somebody has to travel once or twice a year, or occasionally has to work nights and/or weekends, I don't want to hear about it. We all do it. None of us like it. The difference is that some of us know when to shut our pie hole about it.

Maybe it's a generation gap, but I can't believe how some younger people in Cube City just don't seem to know how to suck it up now and then. To me, if something is the exception rather than the rule, you suck it up. But I hear about EVERY little thing...

"I just wanted you to know that I have to work tonight. I'm not happy about it."

"It looks like I'll be working this weekend. I'm not happy about having to spend my free time working. I thought you should know."

"I've been told that I have to do an overnight business trip next month. I guess that means I have to spend the night in a hotel? I'm not looking forward to being away from my family for a night."

Seriously? Srsly. Suck. It. Up. What do you really expect me to say or do about it?

I would never dream of informing my boss that I have to work tonight; I'd just suck it up and do it! Maybe that makes me a sucker, but I think it's cheesy to whine when you've got it pretty good.

Damn, I'm old.

The 30-Minute Answer

2009-09-25T06:23:00.003-05:00

How much time should elapse between a question and an answer in Cube City? A few days ago, I sat down with a prospective candidate who would be in another office and probably wouldn't even be someone I'd have any contact with at all. So I'm really not sure why I was told to talk to her. And when I say "talk to her," I mean "listen to her."

OMG. The woman could talk. I wondered if she was nervous or just jacked up from being in Cube City for an all-day interview. It was hard to ask questions because she could not seem to figure out how to wrap up her answers. I found our 30 minutes together to be a bit exhausting.

At the end of our visit, she took a breath and asked, "Do you have any other questions for me?" I wanted to point out that I had asked one question 30 minutes previously and had been listening to her answer ever since, but I refrained and got the hell out of there. That's what I'm talking about.

Fakebook

2009-09-24T06:57:00.005-05:00

I need to break out of Cube City and break into the social media business. If I were to break out, I'd create Fakebook, a place where we could all secretly go to post things we'd never dare on our real Facebook pages.

On Fakebook, we would not have to Friend our parents, bosses, or the Texas Tornado. Fakebook would be a place where we could truly say what's on our minds without worrying about someone minding. We could be fans of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus without judgment. (Note: Example is for illustrative purposes only and does not reflect the musical taste or opinions of Scissor Girl.) My niece could post her underage drinking photos without me having to witness the train wreck that is her life. It would be total greatness for us to be ourselves under the guise of a Fakebook.

But Facebook is here to stay. So keep your face on -- especially in Cube City, where the illusion of truth is preferred and encouraged.

Cube Q&A: NoDoz on Wheat, Hold the Cheese

2009-09-23T06:51:00.008-05:00

Q: Is it okay for my Cube City deli to sell NoDoz when they supposedly specialize in sandwiches?

A: Dear cube dweller, wake up and smell the salami! You need to understand that there are many cube dwellers out there who lack brain activity. Having a brain stimulant on hand, such as NoDoz, might help save projects and jobs that would otherwise be put to sleep.

Toodle-loo

2009-09-22T06:51:00.005-05:00

Yesterday in Cube City, I was listening to a few nearby cube dwellers chatting excitedly about the weather and an approaching cold front. I decided to visit a local news site to read more on the subject. Once I got there, I was instantly distracted by a hilarious banner ad for Sprint. The first line of copy read, "Toodle-loo, T-Mobile." I found myself wanting to click on that banner ad, even though I'm perfectly happy with my mobile phone service...or perhaps too lazy to make a switch.

I found myself wishing I could write fun copy like that, but no. Instead, I write about side effects of a drug, focus on one product instead of slamming another, and make sure that I don't promise results, satisfaction, or success of any kind. What am I gonna do, write, "Toodle-loo to your fetus if you're pregnant or decide to become pregnant while taking this drug?" No freakin' way!

So I guess I'll live vicariously through the writers who can get away with using silly phrases and just say toodle-loo to that perk in my own line of work.

Crumby People

2009-09-21T06:16:00.002-05:00

Last Friday in Cube City, I attended a meeting in a conference room after a bunch of pigs had apparently slopped around in there. I was trying to concentrate on the meeting topic but found myself immersed in my disgust of the various cooties left behind on the conference room table, including but not limited to:

Salt and/or sugar granules
Bread crumbs from bagels, cookies, cakes, and Lord knows what else
Greasy finger smears

I couldn't even place my laptop on the table without considerable grief. I even tried to wipe a section of the table clean with some left-behind napkins so that I could become one with the table, but salt and sugar granules are like white on rice. Good luck getting rid of them.

Why are people so crumby?