On Fire

I should have worked last night. Because I didn't, I've started Monday in Cube City with my hair on fire. Anybody have a fire extinguisher?

Ode to the Lost ID Badge

I lost my ID badge somewhere in Cube City yesterday. I retraced my steps and interviewed cube dwellers about whether or not they'd seen it. I went to the front desk to see about getting a new one, but it will take time. I must be punished for a suitable amount of time before I am rewarded with a new ID badge, I guess.

What bothers me more is that I have to pay $15 for a new ID badge...because, in Cube City, being human and losing something for the first time in the two years you've worked here is going to cost you.

For now, I have a temporary ID badge that works only during office hours. Since I come in early, long before office hours begin, this temporary badge doesn't help me. What's worse is that it's attached to a toy. The receptionist informed me that all temporary badges are attached to toys. So now I have this temporary ID badge that can't get me access to the building when I need it and is glued to a gigantic tub of Play-Doh.

It makes playing nice with the other children in Cube City that much harder.

Twitter Talk

When I got home from Cube City yesterday, my significant stapler started sharing great hate for Twitter. The conversation went something like this:

Stapler: I hate Twitter.

Scissors: Me too. I refuse to Twitter. Why are you tweeting if you hate it so much?

Stapler: Well, okay, I don't hate Twitter. I hate things about Twitter...like people you don't know who start following you, and most of them are trying to get you to click on their spam.

Scissors: I take it you are clicking on their spam?

Stapler: Well, some of it sounds so interesting!

Scissors: It's obvious you're not in marketing for a living. Spammers count on people like you.

Stapler: What's really frustrating is that most of the spam is porn! I don't want to see that!

Scissors: Oh. Well, stop clicking on the porn, then.

Stapler: I don't mean to! I don't know it's porn until I click on it, and then I see those nasty photos!

Scissors: [off on a tangent...it was only a matter of time] Be careful. You could get fired for downloading porn while you're working. Oh, wait. You work for yourself. Wouldn't it be funny if you were paranoid about firing yourself?

My Fair Lady

My boss asked me to give feedback about people that I don't work with in Cube City. I don't know what to tell her. Performance reviews are coming up, and I want to be helpful; however, all I have for these people is high-level impressions that have nothing to do with their work performance. It doesn't seem fair to offer feedback when I have nothing to say. But, as my father would probably say, who ever said that Cube City is fair?

Mug Shots

Yesterday, somebody came by my desk in Cube City and said I needed to have my picture taken for our online employee directory. She took my photo, and I looked tired and sweaty...which is totally unacceptable for a Monday after a long holiday weekend.

I asked her to retake my photo, and she did.

Still tired. Still sweaty.

The truth of Cube City does not lie, and I now have the mug shot to prove that Cube City is like prison.

Sleepy Surprises

I don't like surprises in Cube City. Because I don't like surprises, I do what I can to prevent them. I check my work email around 10:00 every night before coming into work because, like I said, I don't want any surprises if I can help it.

But lately, a cube dweller has been sending emails around 1:00 AM, and not just to me. I feel like I need to come into work three hours early just to respond to all of her emails, and I have to wonder where she is during regular office hours and why she can't send her emails then, when we're all on a level playing field. Other cube dwellers agree with me that she needs to get a life. Or at least some sleep. Nobody should be sending emails at 1:00 AM.

If I didn't have a life, I'd surprise her with a 1:01 AM reply.

A Quick Fix

It appears that the maintenance man sometimes plays security guard in Cube City. I don't know if he babysits the security desk while the guard is in the little boys' room or what, but it makes me nervous to think that our maintenance man is multi-tasking as a security guard.

If I start to see the security guard multi-tasking as a maintenance man in the building, I'll know for certain that this is a quick fix in our "do more with less people" cubicle society.