The Seasonal Hiatus

Okay, this is weird: I told my significant stapler that I'm tired of blogging about Cube City. We discussed the hiatus I took in January of last year. I don't know if this is an annual tradition or what, but I'm ready for another. The weird part? I'm ready for a hiatus on the exact same date as last year! I don't know what it is about 1/26 that makes me run away, screaming for a break. All I know is that the feeling is upon me once again. So I'll bid adieu -- perhaps for a short time or perhaps forever. I guess it's just time to think outside the cube.

The Full Story

I'm sort of working with a backstabber in Cube City right now, and I'm sort of totally unhappy about it.

I think the worst part is that the backstabber doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she is being helpful, but really, she's not taking the time to get to the core of the problem before offering her backstabbing solution.

I'm trying to cut her some slack because she's new around here...and it shows. Backstabbers don't typically have long lifespans in this Cube City. We like positive people who can keep the "I want to kill you all and then myself" attitude to themselves.

I just find it odd that some people enter a new Cube City and immediately act like they own the place. I'd feel better if the backstabber was younger, as I think maturity in the workplace comes with a lot of work experience...but the backstabber isn't young, so what the heck are we in for around here?

I hope it's that we just don't understand each other or the challenges we are facing yet. When people tell me bad things, I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to gain perspective. I know that every story has multiple sides. But the backstabber seems to pull a sentence out of the story and blame it on the closest or most convenient character she can find before she's read the whole book.

I need to find ways to communicate with the backstabber, and it's going to be interesting. My hope is that I can provide a sense of calm and rational thinking that wears off on her. If not, this protagonist is going to remain sort of totally unhappy until The End comes for the antagonist. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Day Labor

I think we all know just how much Scissor Girl despises the weekly staffing meeting in Cube City and everything it stands for. But recently, I spoke with a fellow cube dweller about how to solve the staffing issues once and for all, and I think she's got the right solution to this problem.

Since we can never seem to get the right amount of people staffed for the right amount of time in any given week, we should have a Day Laborer room. Here's how it works:

1. If/when you finish working on a staffed project and you have some downtime, you go to the Day Laborer room and wait.
2. Project managers who need day laborers for any given task will stop in throughout the day to see who's available. If you're qualified to do the day labor that's needed, you'll go earn your keep doing the new work that just came available.

Sure, in Texas -- where true day laborers are on every corner, looking for work -- this approach might seem a little tacky, but I have to say that it's probably the only approach that would ever work in this particular Cube City.

Letters to Scissor Girl

DEAR SCISSOR GIRL: I'm having a hard time in Cube City right now. There's this really creepy lady with a chip on her shoulder who wants to be my boss, but she doesn't know anything and isn't management material...oh, yeah, and I already have a boss. I had a dream about the really creepy lady last night. We met to discuss my performance review at her office, which was located in a police station. Should I be worried? -- HANDCUFFED IN HADES

DEAR HANDCUFFED: It seems criminal that you even have to worry about this sort of thing. If you're worried, it might be time for a self check. Pat yourself down and make sure there are no explosives or other weapons hidden on your person. If the personal pat-down reveals nothing, then stop being so paranoid. Don't let people have control over you. It's time that you let yourself have control over others -- or at least control over yourself. The only time you should be worried is if this really creepy lady is sporting a badge and whistle while approaching you with a nightstick, at which point you should run like you stole something.

Too Many Cooks

I was on a call yesterday in Cube City that involved too many cooks. The meeting leader asked about 75 different people to present various parts of a 33-slide presentation, and it was just a cluster. (Okay, so it was more like 7 people, but still!) We spent more time introducing ourselves to the client than we did presenting our respective slides. I just don't understand why meeting leaders can't lead their meetings. Why make it more complicated for everyone? Let's have one or two cooks in the kitchen with everyone else spicing up the recipe if/when appropriate.

Crunch Time

Last week in Cube City, we got a nastygram from the head of Number Crunching. We were all slapped on our wrists for submitting late timesheets for the week, or perhaps for not submitting them at all. What's funny (...or not) about the nastygram is that it contained a grammatical error about how embarrassing this must be for our team. Now that's embarrassing.

When the nastygram arrived in my inbox, I was in a meeting but read it anyway. The person sitting next to me read it too. She said, "Oh, I LOVE how the head of Number Crunching is telling us that the other team -- you know, the one that doesn't make a profit for the company -- got their timesheets submitted on time. They have like, what -- 5 people left on that team now due to all the layoffs? So is that really such a big feat?"

Good point. Game tied. But don't get me wrong. I can see why the head of Number Crunching wants us to bill our work on time. Otherwise, we're working for free, and that's no good. But the number cruncher's approach was unnecessary and ineffective. The catch is that we don't really have time to record our time, so the profit we're making probably isn't being recorded or realized. Everybody is annoyed with the problem, but nobody knows how to fix it. And that's what is most embarrassing about crunch time.

Cube Q&A: Dress Codes

Q: Why do people wear plaid and other bad fabrics to Cube City? Do they think that their fellow cube dwellers don't have eyes?

A: Dearest cube dweller, it's true that plaid is bad. However, companies simply can't dress-code good taste. Close your eyes and move blindly through the day.

A First for the Year

OMG, it's the first pay day of the year in Cube City, and I couldn't be any more desperately thankful about it. Let the celebrating begin!

My Paper Boss: The Recycling Years

I recently saw my Paper Boss in the halls of Cube City. He's no longer my boss, on paper or otherwise, due to leaving the company quite some time ago. When I saw him the other day, he sort of had that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. He didn't seem to have time for small talk. He said he was late for a meeting with the person who oversees our whole team.

Hmmm. Could my Paper Boss be seeking a recycled version of his old job? I don't know, but if you see him on the next org chart, you heard it here first.

Well Suited

The other day, a friend of mine in another Cube City showed up at work in his normal business casual dress. He was sent home to change into a suit because he'd forgotten about an important client meeting. So he went home, changed into his business suit, and came back to work.

What's funny about it is that another friend in yet another Cube City works for a man who needs to have his hand held. She'll tell him what to wear and when to be somewhere. She'll do all sorts of things to make him look good. One day, he showed up to work in jeans and got sent home to put on a suit. At lunch, he went home to change back into jeans...only to return to work and find that he had another important meeting that afternoon. So he went back home and changed into his suit.

Seriously?

I know we're all well suited for jeans, but if you are important enough that you need to wear a suit now and then, you should probably have a costume change on hand in Cube City.

And the Award Goes to...

We recently had an embarrassing awards luncheon in Cube City. The leaders of various projects said a few embarrassing words about everyone on the team and then handed out certificates that included those embarrassing words.

Some of the awards were really random. I was recognized for a brand I barely touched and completely unrecognized for a brand that I contributed to on a regular basis. The person who said a few embarrassing words about me described me as "laid back." The way she said it sounded like a bad thing. She went on to say something like, "Don't let that laid-back attitude fool you. Scissor Girl delivers the goods to the client every time!"

Wuh? I thought being laid back was a good thing? Not that I'm good at being laid back (hardly), but apparently somebody was worried about me getting the work done. I guess I didn't seem worried enough? Weird.

I find awards to be odd and unnecessary. I'm sure they're a good thing, but I guess I'm too busy delivering the goods to mull it over. Maybe I'm just not used to being recognized for my work, especially the work I don't work on! I now accept this award for being laid back on brands I don't work on. Thank you very much.

How's Your Heart?

Do you ever get so involved in your work that you feel your heart racing -- and not in a good way? Lately, I've had so many little things needing my attention in Cube City that I feel like I'm running a mile a minute all day long. I don't have time to relax. Running is supposed to be good for the heart, but only in moderation. I don't think there's any such thing as moderation in Cube City.

The House Bread

I work with a funny person in Cube City who is really good at presenting information to our clients. She can charm them into loving crap if that's what we've given them. I can't do that.

Lately, she's been cracking me up with the analogies she uses to sell them on various ideas. The other day, she was using the analogy of building a house when explaining budget concerns and how to best use their money on projects. Do they want granite countertops or bay windows? A three-car garage or a swimming pool?

Just one day later, she was using the analogy of bread. She actually told the client that no matter what we decide to create, it's bread. It could be banana bread, honey wheat bread, or pumpkin bread, but it's still bread.

I couldn't help myself. I had to start laughing during the meeting. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a gift to sell crap to clients. I wish I could. So I'll just stick to making the bread instead of explaining how to create or use it.

My Cubicle Kids

It's quite sobering when you realize that you're one of the old ladies in Cube City...and yet you're still decades away from retirement.

I realized the other day, when a young cube dweller asked for my advice, that I'm no longer a kid in a cube. I'm like the parent of the cubicle kids. It's like they flock to me for approval. In a lot of these situations, I'm not even their boss.

Ack! How did I get here?

I like my cubicle kids, but what am I going to do when they grow up? Am I going to suffer from Empty Cubicle Syndrome? I don't know, but I'm very uncomfortable in this role. I need to go find some older people to work with.

All Dressed Up

The first week of the year in Cube City is always entertaining. The people around you are cordial, and they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they're cordial because they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they just appear newly dressed in positive attitudes for whatever the reason.

Whatever the reason, I like it.

That Is All

I haven't really started the New Year out right in Cube City. I haven't been bringing my lunch, which means I've had to answer to the man downstairs at the deli.

I really don't like the man downstairs. Whether I buy a full meal deal or a soda, his response at checkout is always the same: "That is it? That is all you want?"

Look, pal, I'm sorry if I don't bring my cloth recycling bag into the deli and do all of my grocery shopping there, but you could at least try to act a little grateful for my business.

And so a new year of complaining begins. It only took me two days, cube dwellers! That is all.

A New Decade

It's time to start thinking positively again about Cube City -- until the novelty of the New Year wears off, anyway.

Now that a new decade has commenced, I think back to the millennium years and where I worked throughout them.

2000-2005: A small but inspiring Cube City for the first three years; a disaster under new management (I use the term "management" loosely here) from 2003 onward

2005-2007: A very big, established, and boring Cube City that did not challenge me at all but was nonetheless kind to me; in my disgustingly large amount of downtime, I was able to hone my personal Web surfing skills -- so much that I eventually ran out of ideas on what to Google

2007-present: An "anything goes" type of Cube City where, generally speaking, I'm happy even though I bitch a whole lot and have to frequently beat fires out of my hair

So where have you been the past 10 years? Welcome to a new decade of working, cube dwellers!