What Is a VP?

You've heard about it. You've seen it next to your boss's name, somebody else's boss's name, your boss's boss's boss's name...but what does VP really stand for?

Based on 13 years of time-intensive VP behavioral studies, I've discovered that VP can stand for one or all of the following:

• Very Pricey
• Varmint Production
• Victoria Principal
• Vacation President
• Vehement Padding
• Value Perception
• Vibrant Pension
• Veal Poop

I have more valid findings of VP in my back pocket, but I'll keep them safely tucked away. Nobody needs to know what I've really uncovered and concluded in my data collection. I'm not Very Positive today.

Gossiping About Gossip

Okay, so apparently I'm really into gossip this week -- the topic, anyway. I just had a flashback to a previous job in Cube City. I worked with a customer support person who had been married for maybe a year. Well, she would always talk about the fights she was having with her husband -- most of them pretty ordinary yet extraordinary since the two really hadn't been married very long. But one day, she really outdid herself.

She came into work and went about her day of fighting with customers and her husband...until she got THE CALL. Her best friend had been on Match.com looking for a date when she stumbled upon a familiar-looking guy with a photo, status of Single and Looking, and a complete write-up of what he was seeking in true love with a woman. DUMB ASS SCUM BUCKET ALERT! The customer support person ran to her computer, searched Match.com, and sure enough -- that was her husband's profile.

Strangely, she and her husband tried to patch things up, but of course they eventually got a divorce. Then she got involved with a womanizer at work who was married to a porn star named Y2Kayla. Y2Kayla reportedly rewarded him for his great work on her hot oil massages now and then by bringing three ladies in trenchcoats to the house. Why three? Why trenchcoats? Did the trenchcoats match? Were all three of them blondes? Real or fake (blondes, that is)? I don't know, and that's really where my interest in the gossip ends.

The Human Resources Whisperer

Why is it that people in Human Resources are the biggest gossips in the whole company? This has been my experience at...oh, I don't know...every job I've ever had.

Over the years, Human Resources personnel have shared the following information with me and others outside of their department:

• Salary information (the higher the pay, the more likely I was to hear about it)


• Performance review results (the looser the cannon, the more likely I was to hear about it)


• Terminations and layoffs to come (the who, what, where, when, and how -- dang)


• Who the CEO "did business with" on his desk last night (gross)


• Who's zooming who in the office, in general (okay, that is usually pretty juicy)

I think that gossip is a normal and acceptable part of working in Cube City, as long as you're not in Human Resources. I'm really conflicted about workplace gossip. It's like I want to know what's going on...but sometimes, once I hear it, I wish I didn't know about it.

What is your experience with Human Resources? Let the gossip begin!

My Safe Place

This is my safe place:

This is my unsafe place:

I'm thankful to be working from my safe place this morning.

A Total Beating

Yah-Yah-Yah! It's the Holiday Weekend Stakes, and there's a lot riding on this deadline.

I'm whipped...muddy...stretched to my limits...and thankful that the race to this week's finish line is near. Deadlines before a holiday weekend are a pain in the ass.

This Drives Me Crazy?

Working with other people can be a challenge? Especially when they have mannerisms that drive you crazy? Like people who speak with an "upward tone" so that their statements sound like questions? I listen to these people and want to yell "INSERT PERIOD HERE" when they're about to finish a statement with their upward tone?

But here's a real question: What mannerisms do your co-workers have that drive YOU crazy?

Cool Job

I used to work for a company that listed its open positions on a site called Cool Jobs. Both the company and the site are now defunct, but I have stumbled upon the true meaning of a cool job: Big Ass Fans.

At Big Ass Fans, they fight everything from science friction to breast cancer.

I'm sure it's not always a breeze to work at Big Ass Fans. There are probably some crazy deadlines and jackasses mucking everything up, but one thing is for certain: With all the blade running going on, it's bound to be cool there.