Writer Woes

What's the point of writing? People don't read what we write in Cube City, yet so much effort goes into planning, crafting, and launching the written word.

I used to write manuals like Tina the Technical Writer. What I learned over time was that people don't read manuals. They try to figure things out on their own. If they can't figure things out, they call the help line. To read the manual is a ludicrous idea and is not even considered a last resort.

My career is a waste of time. I'm sure someone has documented that factoid in a manual or on a website somewhere...not that anybody has ever read it or anything...

Problems Are Better Left Unsolved

I know someone who works in a Cube City that we've all heard of. This someone works in HR and recently told me something disturbing yet not surprising: Her boss doesn't want her to solve any problems.

Yes, that's right. There is no room in Cube City for people who bring solutions to the table.

I found it laughable yet troublesome that her boss actually told her to stop offering solutions to their department's problems. From the sounds of it, the solutions offered were sound and reasonable, but the boss just didn't want to hear them and didn't want others on the team to hear them either.

How does someone go down the path of thinking that solutions are a bad thing, let alone make a point to silence a solver who is just trying to help make things better?

This is just one of many Cube City problems that I can't solve, but at least I don't need my boss's permission.

Bad Hair Day

Cube City feels like a bad hair day right now.

It's making me feel flat, frizzy, and uninspired.

I guess I just need a weekend to condition and revitalize my roots. So many tangles...so little time to comb them out.

TGIF! I'm going to wash Cube City right out of my hair.

State of the Company

I have worked for many dumb asses in Cube City, but the dumbest of them all was the CEO of a company a few Cube Cities ago. He had a background in sales and that's really all he knew how to do...and he didn't do that very well. He sold the unsuspecting investors on keeping him at the helm year after year, even as product sales continued to dwindle. The investors didn't see him surfing ESPN and making multiple trips to Starbucks on a daily basis, so they were easily snowed.

At the end of the year, the dumb ass CEO always did the same oppressive things:

• Shut the company down for the last two weeks of the year (you had to use your own PTO, even if you didn't want to)
• Scheduled a low-budget, buy-your-own-drinks (even tea and cola) holiday party the third week of January so that people couldn't use their spouse's holiday party in December as an excuse to ditch
• Held a mandatory State of the Company meeting for all employees

At the State of the Company meeting, he always said the same things:

• "We've had a slow year, but end-of-year sales will hopefully pick up and sustain us like they usually do."
• "People are catching on about how great our product really is. Really."
• "We project $20 million in sales next year, even though we didn't meet our projected $10 million in sales this year."
• "We're in the black, but we're not out of the woods yet."
• "Because we're not out of the woods yet, there will be no holiday bonuses this year or raises next year."

I never believed anything positive he had to say, but I always scanned the room and was amazed to see the gullible wide-eyed nodders who believed what he sold. It made me sad.

I was always pretty sad that I didn't believe him. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to be sold. Instead I got wise and worked for as long as I felt like I was adding more value than negativity. That's the real price we pay in Cube City.

Fair Season

People ask me if I'm ready for the State Fair of Texas.

I tell them that Cube City has been excellent preparation for the fair.

I'm fried.

Socialization Needed

On Sunday morning, I took my new cube mate to her first private obedience lesson. The instructor was very upbeat and made the experience a lot of fun for us.

Though my new cube mate is very upbeat and fun in her own right, she is supposed to receive as much socialization over the next three weeks as possible. She needs to go to a new place every day and meet new people every day. After 12 weeks of age, socialization opportunities for puppies are gone.

This got me thinking about cube dwellers and their socialization skills. I wonder how many of them were stuck in their cribs by themselves for too long, only to move from cribs to cubes...especially the Sniffer. Perhaps if someone had waved cookies in front of their faces, praised them for things they had done correctly, and taken them out to meet and interact with a variety of kids, they'd have grown up to play better with the other children in Cube City.

I try to be tolerant of the neglected strays in Cube City, but it's tough. I get tired of trying to teach old dogs new tricks.

Cube Q&A: Communication

Q: Why can't a communications company in Cube City communicate?
A: Oh, dear cube dweller, it's cute that you believe any communications company is capable of communicating. You should know by now that it's unnecessary to announce promotions or people who are new to the team. It's likewise unnecessary to communicate about processes, performance, expectations, or deals won or lost. In Cube City, you're on your own. Figure it out. Let your confusion and bewilderment do the talking.

My New Cube Mate

My new cube mate has been in town for a week, and she's a treasure. She's studious, watchful, and loyal... She means well, even when she goes down the wrong path. I wish she wasn't so messy, but perhaps in time she'll clean up her act and be mindful of the various remnants of things that she leaves in my space. Right now, she seems sort of unconcerned...
I also like that she won't drop the ball when I need her to stay focused and play along: Don't you wish that everyone in Cube City could be like her?

Office Surplus

I'm obviously stuck on empty echoes in Cube City this week, but really...are you surprised?

I used to work in a Cube City that endured the whole drill of growing too fast, having massive layoffs, subleasing the office, and trying to grow again. (That last part didn't really happen. It was just a pipe dream. Note the emphasis on trying.)

The financial officer was actually a pretty savvy guy. He put a leash on the CEO's wallet, and there was no more lavish spending. The financial officer even scrutinized the empty echoes and decided that a surplus sale was in order. He gathered a collection of expensive and slightly used office chairs, file cabinets, and desks. He assigned prices to all items. Then he moved them into a room that we'd be subleasing to another Cube City the following week. It was in that room that the surplus sale took place. It was mayhem. The door opened and the cube dwellers flocked into the bargain bin to grab the nicest items they could find. I walked away with a really nice office chair for my house at a fraction of its retail cost.

I don't know how much the surplus sale did to help the company stay afloat. I figured the whole situation was a big red flag. So I went job shopping and found a new job to match my new chair.

Empty Echo

There are a lot of vacant cubicles in Cube City right now.

I've worked in many cursed Cube Cities. The same things seem to happen to all of them. We grow too fast, we have massive layoffs, and then we have too much office space and can't afford to drop our lease for a smaller and less expensive space. So we have this empty echo in the big empty building that constantly reminds us of the great devastation we've experienced.

You know Cube City is in trouble when you receive an email announcement about your office being subleased by another company...and then you see a lot of people you don't know who are walking around your Cube City like they own the place. You have to be nice to them too because their sublease is probably the reason you're still receiving a paycheck. It's just weird, and I've seen it happen too many times in too many companies.

Is there an echo in here?

Fire Drill

Last week in Cube City, we had a piercing fire drill. When I got outside, my first thought was to scan the crowd for my direct reports. We are ridiculously short staffed as it is, and I'll be damned if we lose anybody in a fire.

When it was clear that all of my direct reports had made it out alive, I started looking around. There were some really organized companies (read: not ours) taking roll call. They had group leaders who were wearing orange reflective vests and accounting for everyone's personal safety. They looked responsible. They looked like they cared about each other.

I used to work in a very large and established Cube City like that. It was organized mayhem. It makes you realize that you sometimes work for people who show that they care in ways you wouldn't ordinarily notice or appreciate -- like how they treat you during fire drills. I remember standing outside Cube City last week, listening to the piercing fire alarm and thinking, "This is nothing like my last job. Nobody would ever know or care if I didn't make it out. They'd just find another resource and move on. They can't even pretend that they care enough to account for us by name and face."

Somebody needs to light a fire under them, don't you think?

Clone Me

Why are some people in Cube City so stupid? I actually had to explain to a project manager that I couldn't possibly complete two 8-hour projects due in one day. I had to break it down for her:

• I am not two people.
• Since I am not two people, I can't do the work of two people.
• Even though I often do the work of two people, I still can't be in two places doing two different things that are due at the same time.
• Therefore, I can't help you with both projects. You'll have to find an additional helper.

I don't think she got the message, no matter how much I dumbed it down for her, which was the most depressing part of that interaction. My best guess is that she needed two people to deliver that information to her. To recap:

• I am not two people...
  

Tickled Pink

I'm taking the day off from Cube City. I'm driving up to Oklahoma today to get my new cube mate and bring her home. Here she is at five weeks of age:
And here she is last weekend with her biological family on a trip to PetsMart (upper left of cart, trying to figure out how to escape):
Her collar color is pink, which helps tell her apart from the other puppies in her litter. I'm tickled pink that I can bring her to work whenever I please.

Be on the lookout for this new arrival. Like any new cube dweller, she's going to need a lot of special attention and training.

Eerie Day

It's an eerie day in Cube City. It's one that makes you pause every year and think about staying home. You just never know what will happen.

It's a day when you think about where you were on this date in 2001. It's a day for remembering what we don't want to remember.

It's 9/11.

It's also a day to reflect on Cube City and how you're surrounded by terrorists no matter what the date on your calendar. You fear for your career and reputation. You wonder who's on the hit list and when bad things are going to happen. You hear people arguing about a project gone awry like it's the end of the world. People scare each other into working harder, longer, faster. What is Cube City coming to?

I hope that today is calm in Cube City and that people are good to each other. Life should be about making the world a better place, not about punishing people you perceive to be in a better place than you.

Peace.

I Don't Want to Go There

On Sunday night, my significant stapler and I went to a nearby coffeehouse to take in the java beans and live music. Right before the last song of the night, a bitter keyboardist told us a story about her day job in Cube City. She said that her boss, who was younger than she, had pissed her off. She just wanted to scream at her stupid young boss that she wouldn't be in Cube City forever. So she went home after work and wrote this song called, "Why'd I Go?" Most of the lyrics of that song repeated the words, "Why'd I Go?" So the song was aptly named, if nothing else.

The song reminded us of what we say before we leave the house every work day morning. We cry to each other, "I don't want to go there!"

But we end up going there anyway and wondering, "Why'd I go?" These are the notes we sing. Sometimes we're in tune and sometimes we're off key, but we keep on performing. The show must go on.

Tchotchkes

At my first job in Cube City, we were showered with trinkets or gifts on a regular basis. We also showered our customers, potential new customers, and former customers with trinkets.

We were totally into trinkets. The more useless and irrelevant they were to our business, the more we liked them. Just slap the logo on them and hand them out. Who cares if they actually make anybody remember our business or want to buy anything from us?

One day, the Director of Marketing came to me and said, "We need to brainstorm some new tchotchkes for the trade show."

Some new what?

I had no idea what "tchotchkes" were. I felt like I needed to call Joanie and tell her to go hide Chachi at once because the Director of Marketing wanted to mass-produce him and take him to the trade show.
The Director of Marketing seemed to enjoy explaining that tchotchkes were basically trinkets or gifts. So I updated my vocabulary and replaced the word "trinket" with "tchotchke." I started using "tchotchke" in a sentence as often as I possibly could. I also spelled it as often as I could to impress my unimpressed fellow cube dwellers. It was my tacky little gift to myself.

My Post-Cubicle Coma

I spent the majority of my Saturday on the sofa in a post-cubicle coma. I watched really bad TV and stumbled upon the pilot of a show called We Mean Business. I liked the concept of the show, which is about analyzing fledgling small businesses and taking action to turn them around. But the pilot episode focused on Berry Elegance, a poorly managed and decorated land of chocolate-covered strawberry decadence.

Chocolate-covered strawberries can change how you look at fruit, but they don't quite change the world. They don't cure cancer or prevent the extinction of polar bears. They don't contribute to world peace or solve the world hunger crisis. They won't get you out of debt, and they won't be the next fad diet that helps you lose 40 pounds in three weeks. Only the owners of Berry Elegance are going to be devastated if their business fails. So I felt that the show fell flat in the business selection process.

The show did focus on the real pressures of being an entrepreneur, from financial struggles to lack of personal time to do lame things like watch really bad TV shows. It was a berry good reminder of why I work in a cubicle in Cube City.

What Not to Say: Maddening Lingo

When playing with the other children in Cube City, here is some maddening lingo that you should not entertain or encourage:

• "We've got to make sure that this project is buttoned up." (Um, this project is most likely not a shirt.)
• "We've got to make sure that this requirement is baked in." (Um, this requirement is most likely not Betty Crocker cake mix.)

When playing with the other children in Cube City, we've got to make sure that we don't indulge in this maddening lingo. Please help me button this up to make sure it's baked in with our Cube City policies.

The Goodbye Email

You know how some cube dwellers can't wait to tell you that they've found another job...but when the time comes for them to say goodbye, they get all choked up and send mushy goodbye emails?

They just go on and on and on and on...

• "You've been the greatest team to work with. I will miss you all so much."
• "I take nothing but good memories with me as I walk out the door today."
• "I can't imagine how I'll ever have it this good again."
• "You all have made such a huge difference in my life. I will never be the same."
• "I wish I didn't have to go, but I have an opportunity that I simply cannot pass up."

It's just too much.

Of course, if you know the person really well and understand why they're leaving Cube City for greener pastures, you're probably going to appreciate the sentiments. But I tend to receive these special goodbye emails from people I've never met who can't even take the time to choose their special recipients wisely.

If done correctly, a goodbye email can be very special, sincere, and touching. But the things you hear over and over and over and over make you wonder if some people really mean what they say. I mean, these are people who are itching to leave Cube City, yet they turn around and tell you how wonderful things have been and how they don't want to leave?

I'll stop complaining now. You are probably tired of hearing me go on and on and on and on. But before I go, I just want you to know that I don't want to leave. However, I have an incredible opportunity to accomplish something outside of Blogger RIGHT NOW and cannot pass it up. So it is with fondness, special memories, and my deepest appreciation that I say thanks for the forum today and always. I love you all more than words can say.

Fare thee well,

Scissor Girl

Another Life

I often believe that this can't be my life. So I toy with the idea of getting a life...or just dream about another life entirely.

Let's say you could come back in another life and be something else. What would you be?

I would be an heiress to billions.

Wait. That was way too easy.

Okay, let's say you could come back in another life and do something else in Cube City. What would you do and why?

I'd want to tackle the obesity crisis in children or train guide dogs for people who need them -- something that would make my heart sing. Not that I wouldn't be singing from the heart if I had billions...

Georgia On My Mind

On holiday weekends, when I run screaming from Cube City, I always play the lottery. It never fails. I am too tempted by the ultimate dream of a permanent holiday weekend.

The problem is that I get emotionally involved when the ultimate dream doesn't come true.

Every blasted time.

Somebody in Georgia is not returning to Cube City today. Somebody in Georgia is giving Cube City the finger. Somebody in Georgia is freaking out about being the sole winner of a cool $132 million. That should have been me. I should have been freaking out, sipping Blue Hawaiians and searching for beachfront properties to purchase on Maui.

But no. Instead I am blogging the blues and returning to a pile of work.

Nonetheless, odds are good that I will continue to play the lottery. I will keep the ultimate dream alive. You can bet on it.