Hiatus

Hello, fellow cube dwellers. This could be a fleeting thought for today's blog, or it could be a longer-term reality. We'll see, but Scissor Girl's blades feel really worn out. I might be in the repair shop for a while to get refreshed and ready for more blogging. Believe it or not, I think I might have run out of daily things to say about Cube City. So if I don't see you here tomorrow, just know that all is well and I'm just taking a break.

The State of Cube City

It's time for Cube City's annual State of the Union address, an hour-long reflection on the company's performance over the last year. I dread it.

There are a few differences between the State of the Union address in Cube City and the government. In Cube City:

1. We usually don't get to hear an address from a newly elected President.
2. We are not Congress. We just hear what the President's got to say and we have to go with it...rather than "consider" it. There are no choices in Cube City.
3. There are a lot more VPs at the address (and everywhere else).
4. We don't applaud the President before, during, or even after the speech...unless we're totally kissing ass or have other self-serving motives.
5. None of the opposing parties have the nerve to speak up with a rebuttal.

This is the State of Cube City.

Show 'n Tell

I like a good horror story in Cube City. But I love a whole article devoted to the absurdities of our lives here. Take a peek. Most of these stories probably won't shock you, which is the sad part. Click here to read them.

Cube Q&A: Spell Checker

Q: Why doesn't the spell checker catch every error I make in Cube City?
A: Spell check isn't smart enough to solve all of your problems. Most people can't use the English language correctly, so you can't expect them to code an application that can do it for you. On the bright side, spell check recognizes a word that you surely need to type every day of your existence in Cube City: fucker.

Something to Celebrate

The new President officially begins his term today. Some of you will be happy about this, while others won't.

But there's something we can all celebrate in Cube City: None of us come close to being as dumb as George "Dubya" Bush.

Happy Inauguration Day!

Happy MLK Day

If you're a banker or schoolteacher, you're probably not working today -- not that either of these industries can afford to stay open anyway...

I've worked in only one Cube City that recognized MLK Day. It was a large, boring, established company that walked their diversity talk. I don't miss that place, but I miss the recognition of an important holiday.

I'm furious that my current Cube City is open. Do "I have a dream" of having this day off? Yes, you could put it that way, with the company's retort of, "Dream on." But at least traffic is lighter and many of my peers are taking the day off to be with their kids. Maybe today won't totally suck wind like most Mondays.

I can dream.

The Employee Handbook

Who reads the Employee Handbook in Cube City? More importantly, who writes it?

I used to write and edit the Employee Handbook. It was brutal, not to mention pointless. Nobody ever read it. Despite us having pages and pages of carefully documented rules that were edited by lawyer speak hereto with, we never really knew about them. If we did know the rules, we still didn't follow them. Nobody seemed to notice.

I'm not much for rules in Cube City. Box me in and I'll resist. But I've decided that it's time for a new Employee Handbook that better reflects our environment. You know I'm all about reality.

1.0 Company Philosophy
We'll get back to you on our philosophy. We're in the middle of a perpetual reorg that requires perpetual updating of this section.

2.0 Working and Compensation
We shall pay you to work 40 hours per week, plus all holidays, plus all weekends, plus all evening hours. We don't care if you want to have a life. Work is your life. Get used to it.

We'll reimburse you for travel expenses if and when we please. Do not pester our accountants for your expense check, as they are busy avoiding the idea of paying you. If you go over the $5 limit for lunch while traveling, we shall punish you greatly. It's best if you just pack Power Bars in your suitcase and treat those as your meals, at your own expense. You'll need the energy for all the work required of you, as documented in paragraph 1, section 2.0 of this handbook.

3.0 Environment and Personal Safety
We expect our lazy building security guards to protect you from disgruntled people we've laid off, as well as other loose cannons. Good luck with that and try to ignore all the bullet holes you see in the office building windows, as they are probably from rocks that have been spit out from commercial lawn mowers. Um, yeah.

We don't care if you bring a gun to work. In fact, we encourage it since the security guards are lazy, cannot be trusted, and have been seen on surveillance cameras stealing loose change and candy from your desk drawers.

We reserve the right to sexually harass you at any time, unless of course we think you are ugly. So if you find yourself the object of sexual harassment, just consider it a compliment to your physical attractiveness and desirability.

If you are of an ethnicity, gender, or other minority status that we do not respect or understand, we shall deny you promotions and other benefits extended to others in the company without further explanation.

4.0 Standards and Expectations for the Workplace
You shall be accountable to the company 24/7, even though you are not supposed to be on call and we're grossly violating the employment laws that allow you at least two 15-minute breaks in your 8-hour work day. If you want an easy 8-to-5 job, work for the government. Good luck with that.

We find it very important that you wear khakis, or better dress pants, to work. Denim is from Satan and will significantly impair your work performance. The same goes for shirts without collars. THE LORD WANTS YOU TO WEAR A COLLARED SHIRT! You must also wear close-toed shoes at all times. We don't like happy toes or proper foot circulation, and you shouldn't either. A good guide to proper dress: If you feel extremely uncomfortable and oppressed all day long, you are probably dressed appropriately for Cube City.

5.0 Benefits
You have a job. Feel lucky about that.

Why We're Really Here

It's pay day in Cube City.

'Nuff said.

The Moo-ve

We've moved out of one section of the building in Cube City, and it is now completely uninhabited. Rumor has it that we're going to sublease the space to another tenant, as our downsizing from past layoffs has left us with far too much real estate. We all like to be crammed into tiny spaces, like cows in stalls filled with bullshit, so the move to herd us all together has worked out well.

However, my ID badge still works, and we've been told that we can use the abandoned space for meetings until further notice. It appears that very few, if any, people are taking advantage of the abandoned space. I find it very nice and tranquil, as it (a) is warmer than our new space, (b) is not at all crowded, and (c) includes a kitchen with microwaves that still work. It's especially convenient to use the abandoned kitchen when the alternative is to wait in line in the new space with the other livestock and only two dueling microwaves.

Now that I've told you about my hideout, I hope you'll keep it all on the down low. I want to milk this moo-ve for all that it's worth.

Playing Office

A lot of people come to Cube City dressed up like business people -- not necessarily in their clothing style, but definitely in the fantasy land of their own minds.

These are people who run amok, making uninformed decisions about people's lives and careers. I don't understand how a lot of these people make their way into really high-profile positions and become the voice of reason. I mean, they don't know what the hell they are doing -- and if they do know, they don't care that they're doing it wrong. How do they manage to survive when the people around them see how incompetent they are? Whose trust have they earned? Do they have naked pictures of important people or something?

Perhaps it is as simple as putting on their shoes every morning, Mr. Rogers style, and saying, "Today I am going to play office, boys and girls."

At times, I almost feel like I'm looking down at a chess game, with a bunch of plastic pawns jumping from their own territory into that of their competitors. That's when I reach for the codka, as there is no other way to win the game.

I wish we would stop playing around in Cube City and hire the right people to make the right decisions. I'm serious. I'm not playing.

The Reorgs

You've heard about them.

You've probably experienced a number of them.

Perhaps you've even survived a few.

You know what I'm talking about: REORGS.

I don't get reorgs. Whenever a company announces plans for a restructuring of the organization, I think, "Okay, we have learned nothing about how to do business here." On my less optimistic days, I change that thought to, "Okay, we have not learned from our mistakes." On my we-are-doomed mood days, I simply think, "Okay, we have learning NOTHING at all about anything or anyone."

I can't count the number of reorgs I've seen, but I know they are a fact of life in Cube City. We've heard rumblings about a reorg since our last round of layoffs but haven't really seen the full results yet. We're all just waiting to see what we haven't learned.

What we have learned is this: Our reorg will teach us nothing except that we will continue to have reorgs.

Friending the Superhero

I think you're all aware of my personal struggles with Facebook, but it gets worse.

I was minding my own business when it happened. The Superhero found me on Facebook and requested to add me as a Friend.

I didn't know what to do, as I never really considered him a friend when I worked for him. I watched his company die a slow and painful death while he sexually harassed everything that moved.

So I decided to ask my friend Gene for advice. He had worked for the Superhero. He would know what to do.

Instead, all Gene said was, "You know you'll Friend him. You have to."

It's true. When you work for a trainwreck, you really can't pull yourself away. And as much as I hate to admit it, I learned a great deal at the Superhero's company and reached a lot of personal and professional milestones in my career because that jackass gave me a chance.

So I am now friends with the Superhero -- on Facebook, anyway.

The Superhero

At my very first job in Cube City, I worked for a total character. He was:

• A former quarterback at Duke
• A former lawyer
• Married to a beautiful and highly intelligent psychologist that he'd met at Duke
• The son of a self-made millionaire
• A major sexual harassment case waiting to happen
• The most obnoxious CEO I've ever met

A year or so into the job, I learned that a journalist would be coming to Cube City to interview the CEO for a popular entrepreneurial magazine. The journalist came and went, and we eventually received several copies of the magazine in the mail when it went to print.

The day that issue of the magazine arrived in the mail, my manager walked up to my cubicle looking pale, with very wide eyes. She dropped the magazine on my desk, sat down in my guest chair, and put her head in her hands. She feverishly said, "We are DONE FOR."

I picked up the magazine and read the article, which portrayed our fearless leader as an animated superhero whose super power was lying to get the sale. The tragic part of the situation was that the superhero CEO loved the article. He was very proud of it and had no idea that he'd been portrayed as a jackass who had a big mouth instead of a big product. I'm not sure he was able to get past his awe of what he looked like as a caricature in a six-page spread.

My manager and I started applying for other jobs that day. We didn't want to see our superhero's biggest fall.

The Wordsmith

Once upon a time, I was the only writer in Cube City. I wrote manuals, marketing materials, ads, websites -- even sales letters for our salespeople who didn't know how to put a sentence together. If it had to do with the written word, it had to do with me.

During my time there, I somehow became known as the resident expert in Microsoft Word. If people couldn't get their margins right, they'd call me. If they couldn't figure out how to format bulleted lists correctly, I was their source. If they royally messed up their documents while trying to add columns to their tables, they'd call me for help.

I'm not sure how people confuse experts of the written word with experts of Microsoft Word, but I know it happens. You writers out there know what I'm talking about. All we can do is continue to perform our magic tricks for our captive audiences. I know I'll keep writing whatever my fellow cube dwellers need as well as solving their word-processing software problems. It just perpetuates that ever-valuable optical illusion of worth in Cube City. Word.

Slam!

I used to work for a passive-aggressive boss in Cube City who had an interesting way of dealing with things. Her office was next door to that of a really noisy guy whose purpose in the company was a mystery to most everyone. One annoying thing he did was to slam the overhead doors of his metal storage bins shut. The sound was startling and made you jump in your seat.

When I attended meetings in my passive-aggressive boss's office and we heard the startling sound next door, she would open her own metal storage bin and slam it shut. She had really good reflexes and never missed a beat. It was obvious to just about everyone, except perhaps her clueless noisy neighbor, that she was seeking revenge and trying to get him to realize that he was being loud and rude. My boss was relentless in her revenge, but her neighbor just never seemed to get the message.

I have to wonder what makes somebody seek revenge in a passive-aggressive manner. Wouldn't it be easier and more effective to just tell somebody that they make a scary sound with their storage bins and that they need to stop?

I guess it's one thing to slam a storage bin and quite another to slam a person.

New Year, New You

Well, here we are...back in Cube City for another year. I like to think of it as a year closer to retirement. Okay, so I'm feeling more optimistic this year. Or maybe just today.

Wouldn't it be great if we could just wake up in a new year and be a new person? Somebody who likes meetings, doesn't dread Mondays or working late, and doesn't remember all the bad things or bad people from previous working years? A truly clean slate?

I wish I could be a new person in a new year, but unfortunately I woke up this morning with a really sharp memory. It's Monday Mourning.