Great Expectations

Yesterday, I talked to someone in Cube City who was really frustrated with things. He's worked in this one-horse town for longer than I have, but you'd never know it because he still has hope that things will change.

I think his optimism is cute.

I tried to explain to him that the only way to survive in Cube City is to have no expectations. He has too much fire and passion to entertain that advice. I'm not sure what's worse about expectations: having them, or realizing that they are an act of futility.

What a Pang

A funny guy told me that he'd rather substitute the word "pang" for "pain" in his Cube City brand work. It's sort of funny when you consider that most of the work we do involves pang management. What's even funnier is that a supposed authority of the English language informed him that "pang" is not a word.

I need to talk to said authority because "pang" is not only a word, but a totally kick-ass word at that. It pangs me to think that an authority of the English language doesn't know this.

Working a Six-Hour Half Day

I could just about barf from the stress, but I think I'm going to make my midday deadline. I have to. I'm taking a half day from Cube City. I'm leaving for Oklahoma City this afternoon, and I'm taking my new cube mate with me. It will be her third dog show weekend ever, and I'll be at the other end of the leash again. We're going to have an audience because:

• Her breeder will be there but is too busy showing other dogs to handle her
• The breeder of my last dog will be there and hates me, based on her recent snarky "I heard you got a new puppy" email
• Our instructor will be there because she's showing her Irish Setters and wants to watch us when she's done

EPIC FAIL.

But really, what's a little more stress in a totally whacked work week?

Crushed

[Scissor Girl uses forklift to temporarily raise the workload from her being]

I'm tired of being trapped under something heavy. That is all.

Don't Be Such a Pill

I'm a little annoyed about how busy I am in Cube City right now. My days are filled with meetings, which means my nights are filled with the work I didn't have time to do during the day because of all the freaking meetings. But I have to say I didn't really mind working last night. I got to write a concept about a person getting hit on by an annoying disease, only to be saved by the perfect match (a prescription medication, of course). I love personifying objects and letting them say silly things that show the client how creative we are. It's the only time I get to think outside the box. I'll take what I can get.

Cube Q&A: Escape Routes

Q: How can I escape from the wrath of my boss without actually leaving Cube City?
A: Oh, cube dweller, it sounds like you've got it rough. The only escape route you really have -- and this is a true benefit -- is if your boss is of the opposite sex, as you can go hide in the restroom.

Cube City Curry

A good friend of mine is facing uncertainty in Cube City, as there is talk about his job moving offshore to India.

He takes his job very seriously and has worked his way up the ranks at this large, established company for well over a decade.

To retaliate, he tells me that he refuses to eat at restaurants that specialize in Indian cuisine. I'm not sure I get his logic, but I can see why he would be angry, upset, disappointed, and scared about his future when this is all he has known for so long. For someone to tell you that your experience, loyalty, and sacrifices can be shipped off shore like a side dish really cheapens the Cube City experience.

In My Dreams

What I hate about Cube City is when I work in my sleep.

All night long.

I think I worked on the same problem all night and never found a solution. It's like I would wake up, realize I wasn't really at work, and then tell myself to go back to sleep and dream about something nice...only to go right back to working on the same problem.

I hope I never work again in my sleep, but since this has happened many times before, such a hope is in my dreams.

Testing the Waters

Earlier this week, I invited a fellow resident of Cube City to lunch because I know he's having a rough time.

He's never talked about what he's going through, and I've never asked. I just know something's going on, and that's enough for me.

I hesitate to dip my toe into Cube City waters because I don't need to know what's afoot. Sure, I want to help, but I don't always know how. So I figured I would just invite him to lunch with no agenda. I didn't expect him to reveal anything shocking to me, like they do in the movies, and he didn't. It was nice just knowing that we got out of our cubicles for an hour and got our minds off the things that were bothering us. And on our return from lunch, I can't tell you how much it meant to me when he said we should do this more often.

I need to dip my toe in more often, even when the water is cold. Despite the dysfunction of Cube City, there are a lot of great people here with interesting stories to tell...and even more interesting stories not to tell.

Cool Job, Revisited

I sometimes forget that I have a cool job in Cube City. Sure, it's not literally a cool job, but I'll take what I can get...and today, I'm cool with it.

Now and then, I get reminders from friends that my job is cool -- compared to theirs, anyway. An accountant friend will tell me about updating a spreadsheet or haggling for better office supplies, and I'll think, "Wow, what an uncool job." I almost feel bad telling him about what I get to do in a day:

• Attend a brainstorm
• Review a Flash movie for a website
• Edit video footage to create a story
• Catch up with interesting creative people
• Laugh at the cool slogans on people's shirts since there are really no rules here
• Pet dogs and drink alcohol at my desk if so inclined

I've had a lot of uncool jobs with no variety and no opportunities to learn or do anything new. It feels good to appreciate my cool job today.

Bleeding Words

For being a Tuesday, it sure feels like a Monday.

I'm a little beaten down right now. Lawyers and doctors censor what I write, and I don't even send them swear words. In fact, I barely send them any words at all. Just when I think I've got it down, that the lawyers and doctors can't put a red pen to what I write, they bleed all over my page.

Anybody got any Band-Aids?

Call Me

If there's one thing that boils my chili in Cube City, it's people who set up phone meetings with you and tell you to call them.

Last week, I declined such a meeting at the last minute because I was ridiculously tired and just didn't feel like picking up the phone to call the meeting organizer. Um, if you want to catch up with me, you need to catch me. Don't make me put forth the effort to call you when I didn't initiate the meeting in the first place. I don't know what you want, and I probably don't care since you've given me nothing to go on, so this whole dealio is pointless until you convince me otherwise.

It's amazing how lazy people are, and how they'll put forth minimal effort when they're supposedly leading the charge on something. If you want to get anything cooking in Cube City, turn the heat on yourself -- and don't make me boil.

Freelancing the Stone

Occasionally, I kiss my free time from Cube City goodbye in exchange for some quick freelancing gigs. I've done only a handful of said gigs in the past year, but I always learn something from them -- like, how much I hate giving up my free time to work for people I don't know.

To say that you're "freelancing" sounds so cool, so urban, so glamorous. But it's a cold place, the freelancing world. I get stone-faced, just thinking about it. Usually, I'll meet the person in charge of the gig once or twice, and then the rest of our communications will be through email. It feels foreign. There's little human interaction, and the project leader really doesn't want to be bothered. You're just an extra in that person's overloaded cast of characters. You are completely and utterly alone. You're reminded of your purpose: Do the job. Get your check. Get out of my face.

Sure, freelancing gigs help you expand your mind and portfolio beyond your everyday workload. But they're really not worth the trouble. Who knew that the daily Cube City grind is actually a good thing?

Hangover Man

I miss working with Hangover Man.

It was always easy to determine when Hangover Man was suffering from his social life. He'd bring greasy fast-food breakfast items to early-morning meetings in Cube City. I guess he didn't feel comfortable eating a greasy breakfast by himself, so he'd bring enough to share. My first thought upon learning of his exit from Cube City was, "I'm gonna miss the breakfast burritos." I'll take some cheese with my whine, wrapped up in a warm tortilla, please.

Have Your Cake

Death to the grocery store sheet cake in Cube City!

I don't know why so many people think a grocery store sheet cake is worthy of purchase, let alone consumption. The cake is usually stale, and the frosting is usually fake with bountiful artificial colors and flavors. 

Grocery store sheet cakes are not cause for celebration. I learned this valuable lesson while dieting in one Cube City. I got smart about my calories. Whenever I saw a grocery store sheet cake, I knew I'd rather save my calories for something that tasted better. Cube dwellers marveled at my willpower. Since I never really knew who bought the bad cake, I never said anything more than, "I'll pass. I'm on a diet." What I really wanted to say, though, was, "You can have your cake and eat it too."  

A Bunch of Duty

Hey, cube dwellers, Scissor Girl is skipping Cube City today in lieu of jury duty.

I hate jury duty. Actually, I hate that I'm summoned so frequently while others are so infrequently (or never!) summoned.

What gives? I've been summoned so much that I've done research on how to get summoned less. I've followed the proper channels to get off the jury pool radar, but nothing has worked.

I swear, if I have to sit through one more "how to be a JURE-or" instructional video, I'm going to cut myself with my scissors.

It would be different if I was retired and had the time to do grand jury service, which I think would be fascinating. I mean, that's when you hear snippets of all sorts of cases and decide to indict or throw them out. But I'm not retired, and the cases you hear for regular jury duty are mostly DWIs.

I've never been selected for jury duty, but I've always been stuck there the whole day. It's very taxing, and to me, it's just a bunch of duty.

Smoker's Cough

There's a woman in Cube City who's been telling me for several months that she has a cold. She can't seem to beat it. She coughs a lot. She also smokes a lot. In fact, her last name ends in "alot." I'm starting to believe that she has smoker's cough and doesn't even know it. The cough is pretty bad. It always sounds the same too. I think this woman could benefit from smoking cessation classes...but based on her history, I think she'll need a lot of them.

The Hovering

There's a guy in Cube City who hovers.

Me no likey.

He's an equal opportunity hoverer, though. It's like he hears something interesting as he passes a conference room door and doesn't seem to realize that it's none of his business. He doesn't seem to care that you see him hovering either. He'll just stand in the doorway, hovering, wondering what information he can glean from the conversation he's not supposed to be a part of.

Perhaps this is how you solve mysteries, by hovering, but I think you probably get more information by being discreet.

Unsolved Mysteries, Vol. 1

Here we are in Cube City, almost a week later, and I still have no idea why the star has fallen. Some cube dwellers have speculated about the topic. Others have pieced together some clues in order to postulate a pretty good rumor...but there are still lots of holes, so the mystery is far from solved.

Not knowing something confidential in Cube City is an absolute rarity. People have big mouths, and news travels fast. Yet all is quiet on the cubicle front. People's lips are sealed. I don't get it. The suspense is killing me!

I hope somebody provides answers before the passion I feel about this topic subsides. If you've put the pieces of this puzzle together, please reveal the full picture.

History Repeats Itself

It's been about a month since Office Assistant #81 started working in Cube City. It seems that she can't get anything right. Her memos are riddled with typos and inaccurate information. I think a whole week went by with her sending out notifications about who's out of the office, and the same person who was placed on the Out-of-Office list in error kept replying to all, "I am here."

Argh. How long does it take a cube dweller to realize that some unfortunate history is repeating itself? I know the office assistant's boss is embarrassed by public displays of errors, so I have a feeling that she won't be around much longer. I hope I like Office Assistant #82.

The Falling Star

While we're on the topic of falling stars, it appears that someone I know in Cube City has been demoted. If so, it's certainly been a quiet demotion. It might not even be a demotion, but perhaps just a lame title change casualty from another messy reorg. (I totally suspect it's a big fat demotion, people.) All I know is that this person's email signature was incredibly long a week ago and is now incredibly short.

I find it interesting that some announcements are hush-hush while others are broadcast through company-wide emails. It's like the people who are perceived as stars are a protected class, and everybody else is just dangling in the atmosphere. I once worked in a Cube City with a very lame and unqualified person who got promoted because she went drinking...among other things...with the lonesome company leader. I remember how humiliating it was to have people come up to me after her promotion was broadcast through a company-wide email. They would make it all worse by saying things like, "OMG, I can't believe she's your boss! She's so stupid! How did she get that job? She has no skills! She has the creativity of a table! I'll bet you are looking for another job!"

I'm not a big fan of the stars in Cube City, and I'm certainly not a star fucker, but I have to say that all plasma should be created equal.

The Rising Star

Last week was crazy in Cube City and ended with a shocker: A rising star was fired. Not laid off. Fired.

I have no idea what this star did to get fired, but it had to be pretty serious. You just don't get fired in Cube City when you've built a reputation on hard work and have consistently helped contribute to the company's growth in multiple ways.

Well, okay, so people who help the company grow get fired all the time. But this one just really caught me by surprise.

What's most irritating about the whole thing is that this person and I butted heads in the beginning. It took us a long time to understand each other and build a working relationship. In time, we learned to like each other. In a bit more time, we learned to respect each other. And it sucks that this person got fired AFTER we started liking and respecting each other. I wouldn't be so disappointed about it all now if we were still butting heads. In fact, it would've been the best news I'd heard all week instead of the worst.

I know this star will rise again in a different Cube City. But now I wonder who will fill the position and if we'll like and respect each other. I'm getting fired up just thinking about it.