The Employee Handbook

Who reads the Employee Handbook in Cube City? More importantly, who writes it?

I used to write and edit the Employee Handbook. It was brutal, not to mention pointless. Nobody ever read it. Despite us having pages and pages of carefully documented rules that were edited by lawyer speak hereto with, we never really knew about them. If we did know the rules, we still didn't follow them. Nobody seemed to notice.

I'm not much for rules in Cube City. Box me in and I'll resist. But I've decided that it's time for a new Employee Handbook that better reflects our environment. You know I'm all about reality.

1.0 Company Philosophy
We'll get back to you on our philosophy. We're in the middle of a perpetual reorg that requires perpetual updating of this section.

2.0 Working and Compensation
We shall pay you to work 40 hours per week, plus all holidays, plus all weekends, plus all evening hours. We don't care if you want to have a life. Work is your life. Get used to it.

We'll reimburse you for travel expenses if and when we please. Do not pester our accountants for your expense check, as they are busy avoiding the idea of paying you. If you go over the $5 limit for lunch while traveling, we shall punish you greatly. It's best if you just pack Power Bars in your suitcase and treat those as your meals, at your own expense. You'll need the energy for all the work required of you, as documented in paragraph 1, section 2.0 of this handbook.

3.0 Environment and Personal Safety
We expect our lazy building security guards to protect you from disgruntled people we've laid off, as well as other loose cannons. Good luck with that and try to ignore all the bullet holes you see in the office building windows, as they are probably from rocks that have been spit out from commercial lawn mowers. Um, yeah.

We don't care if you bring a gun to work. In fact, we encourage it since the security guards are lazy, cannot be trusted, and have been seen on surveillance cameras stealing loose change and candy from your desk drawers.

We reserve the right to sexually harass you at any time, unless of course we think you are ugly. So if you find yourself the object of sexual harassment, just consider it a compliment to your physical attractiveness and desirability.

If you are of an ethnicity, gender, or other minority status that we do not respect or understand, we shall deny you promotions and other benefits extended to others in the company without further explanation.

4.0 Standards and Expectations for the Workplace
You shall be accountable to the company 24/7, even though you are not supposed to be on call and we're grossly violating the employment laws that allow you at least two 15-minute breaks in your 8-hour work day. If you want an easy 8-to-5 job, work for the government. Good luck with that.

We find it very important that you wear khakis, or better dress pants, to work. Denim is from Satan and will significantly impair your work performance. The same goes for shirts without collars. THE LORD WANTS YOU TO WEAR A COLLARED SHIRT! You must also wear close-toed shoes at all times. We don't like happy toes or proper foot circulation, and you shouldn't either. A good guide to proper dress: If you feel extremely uncomfortable and oppressed all day long, you are probably dressed appropriately for Cube City.

5.0 Benefits
You have a job. Feel lucky about that.