Did you know that attrition in Cube City is like Jesus in church?
I recently attended a staff meeting during which the number cruncher basically announced that we met our profit margin due to employee attrition.
WWJD with this news? I feel like I should go pray for more people to leave so that we can be profitable next period.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's My Birthday!
We interrupt this hiatus to bring you an important message from Scissor Girl.
Hello, my precious cube dwellers! It's my birthday! Well, okay, it's not my actual date of birth. It's not even my Cube City birthday. But it's sort of like a combination of my birthday and a Cube City celebration.
Why, you ask? Because one of the few people I don't like or respect is leaving Cube City. On her own. I was sort of totally hoping she'd be fired, as she sort of totally deserved it, but she beat her boss to the punch. I'm sort of totally disappointed about that part of the story, but I'm so excited about the end result that I'll try to overlook it.
I tried very hard to work with her so that she would understand the full story, and I think I made a little bit of progress with her. But ultimately, a backstabber like her is a backstabber for life, even among long-term colleagues. She was someone I could sort of totally never trust. What's worse is that I had to psych myself up before every meeting I had with her -- and even before every email I read from her. That's just insane!
My real birthday is coming up, so now I'm going to celebrate that I don't have to waste my one wish on her. It has already come true. Happy Birthday to me! What's your work-related birthday wish?
Hello, my precious cube dwellers! It's my birthday! Well, okay, it's not my actual date of birth. It's not even my Cube City birthday. But it's sort of like a combination of my birthday and a Cube City celebration.
Why, you ask? Because one of the few people I don't like or respect is leaving Cube City. On her own. I was sort of totally hoping she'd be fired, as she sort of totally deserved it, but she beat her boss to the punch. I'm sort of totally disappointed about that part of the story, but I'm so excited about the end result that I'll try to overlook it.
I tried very hard to work with her so that she would understand the full story, and I think I made a little bit of progress with her. But ultimately, a backstabber like her is a backstabber for life, even among long-term colleagues. She was someone I could sort of totally never trust. What's worse is that I had to psych myself up before every meeting I had with her -- and even before every email I read from her. That's just insane!
My real birthday is coming up, so now I'm going to celebrate that I don't have to waste my one wish on her. It has already come true. Happy Birthday to me! What's your work-related birthday wish?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Seasonal Hiatus
Okay, this is weird: I told my significant stapler that I'm tired of blogging about Cube City. We discussed the hiatus I took in January of last year. I don't know if this is an annual tradition or what, but I'm ready for another. The weird part? I'm ready for a hiatus on the exact same date as last year! I don't know what it is about 1/26 that makes me run away, screaming for a break. All I know is that the feeling is upon me once again. So I'll bid adieu -- perhaps for a short time or perhaps forever. I guess it's just time to think outside the cube.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Full Story
I'm sort of working with a backstabber in Cube City right now, and I'm sort of totally unhappy about it.
I think the worst part is that the backstabber doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she is being helpful, but really, she's not taking the time to get to the core of the problem before offering her backstabbing solution.
I'm trying to cut her some slack because she's new around here...and it shows. Backstabbers don't typically have long lifespans in this Cube City. We like positive people who can keep the "I want to kill you all and then myself" attitude to themselves.
I just find it odd that some people enter a new Cube City and immediately act like they own the place. I'd feel better if the backstabber was younger, as I think maturity in the workplace comes with a lot of work experience...but the backstabber isn't young, so what the heck are we in for around here?
I hope it's that we just don't understand each other or the challenges we are facing yet. When people tell me bad things, I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to gain perspective. I know that every story has multiple sides. But the backstabber seems to pull a sentence out of the story and blame it on the closest or most convenient character she can find before she's read the whole book.
I need to find ways to communicate with the backstabber, and it's going to be interesting. My hope is that I can provide a sense of calm and rational thinking that wears off on her. If not, this protagonist is going to remain sort of totally unhappy until The End comes for the antagonist. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
I think the worst part is that the backstabber doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she is being helpful, but really, she's not taking the time to get to the core of the problem before offering her backstabbing solution.
I'm trying to cut her some slack because she's new around here...and it shows. Backstabbers don't typically have long lifespans in this Cube City. We like positive people who can keep the "I want to kill you all and then myself" attitude to themselves.
I just find it odd that some people enter a new Cube City and immediately act like they own the place. I'd feel better if the backstabber was younger, as I think maturity in the workplace comes with a lot of work experience...but the backstabber isn't young, so what the heck are we in for around here?
I hope it's that we just don't understand each other or the challenges we are facing yet. When people tell me bad things, I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to gain perspective. I know that every story has multiple sides. But the backstabber seems to pull a sentence out of the story and blame it on the closest or most convenient character she can find before she's read the whole book.
I need to find ways to communicate with the backstabber, and it's going to be interesting. My hope is that I can provide a sense of calm and rational thinking that wears off on her. If not, this protagonist is going to remain sort of totally unhappy until The End comes for the antagonist. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day Labor
I think we all know just how much Scissor Girl despises the weekly staffing meeting in Cube City and everything it stands for. But recently, I spoke with a fellow cube dweller about how to solve the staffing issues once and for all, and I think she's got the right solution to this problem.
Since we can never seem to get the right amount of people staffed for the right amount of time in any given week, we should have a Day Laborer room. Here's how it works:
Since we can never seem to get the right amount of people staffed for the right amount of time in any given week, we should have a Day Laborer room. Here's how it works:
- If/when you finish working on a staffed project and you have some downtime, you go to the Day Laborer room and wait.
- Project managers who need day laborers for any given task will stop in throughout the day to see who's available. If you're qualified to do the day labor that's needed, you'll go earn your keep doing the new work that just came available.
Sure, in Texas -- where true day laborers are on every corner, looking for work -- this approach might seem a little tacky, but I have to say that it's probably the only approach that would ever work in this particular Cube City.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Letters to Scissor Girl
DEAR SCISSOR GIRL: I'm having a hard time in Cube City right now. There's this really creepy lady with a chip on her shoulder who wants to be my boss, but she doesn't know anything and isn't management material...oh, yeah, and I already have a boss. I had a dream about the really creepy lady last night. We met to discuss my performance review at her office, which was located in a police station. Should I be worried? -- HANDCUFFED IN HADES
DEAR HANDCUFFED: It seems criminal that you even have to worry about this sort of thing. If you're worried, it might be time for a self check. Pat yourself down and make sure there are no explosives or other weapons hidden on your person. If the personal pat-down reveals nothing, then stop being so paranoid. Don't let people have control over you. It's time that you let yourself have control over others -- or at least control over yourself. The only time you should be worried is if this really creepy lady is sporting a badge and whistle while approaching you with a nightstick, at which point you should run like you stole something.
DEAR HANDCUFFED: It seems criminal that you even have to worry about this sort of thing. If you're worried, it might be time for a self check. Pat yourself down and make sure there are no explosives or other weapons hidden on your person. If the personal pat-down reveals nothing, then stop being so paranoid. Don't let people have control over you. It's time that you let yourself have control over others -- or at least control over yourself. The only time you should be worried is if this really creepy lady is sporting a badge and whistle while approaching you with a nightstick, at which point you should run like you stole something.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Too Many Cooks
I was on a call yesterday in Cube City that involved too many cooks. The meeting leader asked about 75 different people to present various parts of a 33-slide presentation, and it was just a cluster. (Okay, so it was more like 7 people, but still!) We spent more time introducing ourselves to the client than we did presenting our respective slides. I just don't understand why meeting leaders can't lead their meetings. Why make it more complicated for everyone? Let's have one or two cooks in the kitchen with everyone else spicing up the recipe if/when appropriate.
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