Cyber Monday

It's Cyber Monday, which means a lot of people will be shopping online in Cube City instead of doing their work.

I wonder how many cube dwellers participate in Cyber Monday. Do employers take this Monday after Thanksgiving into account with the other times their employees do personal time on the company dime?

Scissor Girl decided to find out. According to this article about Cyber Monday, the boss's Internet will get a workout today. The writer of this article sticks up for us minions and says we'll actually save our employers some money today because we won't spend extra time during our lunch hours getting trapped in long checkout lines.

So shop away, dear cube dwellers. Maybe we can someday get our employers to turn Cyber Monday into a national holiday. That's the biggest thing on my wish list today.

Thursday Thanks

Scissor Girl is thankful that Thanksgiving always falls on Thursday. While I'm thankful that I get paid for not coming to Cube City tomorrow, I'm more thankful that I get paid for not coming to the weekly staffing meeting. Like Thanksgiving, the staffing meeting always falls on Thursday.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Thursday, everyone!

The Cube Whisperer

A dear friend of mine in a different Cube City has worked at the same large, established corporation for her entire career. She's probably put close to 30 years into that place and has spent most of her time in a cushy office. However, since we all know that employee benefits get worse instead of better as the years go by, it's no surprise that her loyalty and service have been rewarded with a downgrade to a cubicle.

Whenever I talk to her on the phone during office hours now, she'll whisper. She's just not comfortable with cubicle life at all. It's kind of funny to me. She shuts down when her cube neighbors talk, laugh, gossip, or yell at their kids on the phone because she's just not used to hearing all those voices when she's trying to concentrate on her work. It's really hard to have a conversation with her when she's whispering into the phone, and I hope she gets her cushy office back someday. If not, she will be known to me as the Cube Whisperer.

Bags Fly Free

Scissor Girl had a great weekend at home with her significant stapler, which made coming to Cube City that much harder today. I guess I'm just year-end tired, and I don't know how to cure the exhaustion and the frightening carry-on bags stowed under my eyes. I'm starting to remember that I'm a dumb ass for being in Cube City during a holiday week, though. This is going to be a short week from hell. When will I learn to take flight from Cube City at the holidays? How many mechanical problems is it going to take? If I ever figure it out, I'll share my secrets here with you.

I'm wishing my fellow cube dwellers a short week from a more heavenly place than hell, whatever that looks like to you. You are now free to move about the cubicle.

The Seagull

There's a guy in Cube City who apparently thinks a lot of himself. He's like a seagull. He'll fly into a room, shit all over your work, and leave without offering alternative ideas or solutions. I know there are flocks of seagulls in Cube City. This is nothing new. I just wish the seagulls would migrate elsewhere.

Give Me a Break

I did a volunteer gig for Cube City last weekend. In truth, I got volunteered after it became clear to the organizers that too few cube dwellers were willing to voluntarily give up their weekends.

Sigh.

You know, it was a good experience. The nonprofit organization we helped couldn't have been more thankful, and meeting their needs was both interesting and rewarding. But working the weekend is exhausting. It takes a toll on your soul. I'm just now starting to recover from the reality of working the weekend without a break, probably because I'm really focusing on the upcoming weekend of not working.

I guess it just irks me that people have the nerve to volunteer you when you communicate a complete lack of interest in volunteering yourself. 'Tis the season to give, I suppose, but give me a break.

More Evidence Has Surfaced

You know I've drawn many parallels between Cube City and prison. Well, dear cube dwellers, the parallels continue.

I work in a division of Cube City that requires anything we create to go through several rounds of legal review. Yesterday, I received notice that a project I'd completely forgotten about had resurfaced from the depths of legal review. The project had been locked down in the client's legal process for so long that I had forgotten what it looked like, or that it had even existed.

As I made the updates needed to satisfy the project's legal reviewers, I found myself wondering what it would be like if we put projects through our nation's criminal justice system. Would the projects go to trial any quicker than human beings? Probably not, but the snail's pace of legal review is simply stunning to me at times. I believe it should be a crime for legal review to take so long, but the jury is still out on that one.

Is It Thanksgiving Yet?

Scissor Girl needs a break from Cube City. Bad.

That Guy

I just finished a project with a guy who's new to my department in Cube City. He's not new to the company, but you sure wouldn't know it from working with him. It's bizarre how we can work for different departments in the same company and operate in a completely different manner. How does that happen?

This guy seems to think it's okay to give me no time to do my part of the project. Is he new? Lord. I had to nip his belief system in the bud. I pushed back and let him know that he wasn't going to hog all the project hours to make his stuff look good, only to give me a few minutes (I wish I was exaggerating) to make it sound good.

He knew that he was in the wrong. He probably knew before I nipped him, but he's used to operating in complete and utter chaos. He finds it acceptable, based on how he treats the people around him. (And yes, I saw him treat others this way before I started beating him over the head with a mallet.) When I was done with him, he said, "This project is just out of control. I'll try not to be that guy in the future who asks for things at the last minute."

I guess I wonder why he feels like he has no control? Why isn't he pushing back if the deadlines are unreasonable? He's in a relatively senior position and is acting like an amateur. If you don't want to be that guy, don't even start out that way. Don't consider it an option...unless you want that girl to bash your head in. Damn straight.

Nonfat Venti Friday

It's Friday, which means I'll see a lot more (or at least bigger) Starbucks cups in Cube City. It never fails. The coffee cups get bigger and more frequent in cube dwellers' hands as the week progresses.

I'm not a coffee drinker, but I love the Starbucks experience. Brew me a tall, nonfat, extra-hot, light-whip hot chocolate, and I feel like I've got a cup of "I Can Do Anything Today." Starbucks is extra hot with me right now because I love-love-love the red holiday cup. Okay, it's way too early to be celebrating the holidays, but at least there's something to celebrate in Cube City during these bleak economic times. When the economy is weak, the coffee should be strong. Period.

What's in your red cup?

Surviving the Sickness

I'm supposed to check in periodically with a guy in another branch of Cube City. I didn't like him until I tried really hard to understand him. And now, I just think he's fun to watch...from afar.

This guy is all about drama. He's stressed out at all times. It's like he has a drama virus and spreads it to all of his direct reports. I think they like him and find his drama contagious, but surely they know he's not well. If he could just learn to wash his hands of certain things, he'd help prevent infection across cubicles.

Let's use Janelle (not her real name) as an example.

Janelle: This is too much work for one person. I can't handle this workload and wanted to let you know that I don't think I'll make a lot of these deadlines.

Drama Guy: OMG! I think we just broke Janelle!

How does Drama Guy's response solve problems? I mean, c'mon. Why be a terrorist about it? Janelle was just being responsible by speaking up. She was letting him know that she needed help meeting deadlines. But from Drama Guy's response, you'd think Janelle had jumped out of a window and broken her back or something. He could've reassured her that she is only one person and therefore can only do the work of one person (well, really, three people around here). Heck, he could've taken a cue from Golden Boy and yelled, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!" Like Golden Boy, he could've just blamed it all on staffing issues. But, no, he had to do it his way.

I'll be checking in with Drama Guy soon. I think I'll keep some antibacterial hand gel nearby. His attitude can be very contagious, and I'd rather cure illnesses than create them.

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Sure, I'd love a paid Cube City holiday in honor of Veterans Day, but that would mean I'd be a banker or postal worker most other weekdays of the year.

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Thank you, God.

Love,
Scissor Girl

Cube Q&A: Interns

Q: What does it mean when your boss tells you to hire at the intern level in Cube City?

A: Dear cube dweller, interns are young and cheap. They are desperate and hungry for work. They can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere. Thanks to their stack of rejection letters and limited pool of networks, they have no self esteem and do not realize their worth or talent. It sounds like your company is cheap and unwilling to pay for someone who knows what they're doing. That said, have fun training your fragile intern in addition to all of your own work duties.

Man of the Hour (and a Half)

I know you're all waiting with bated breath to hear about my time with the 15-minute meeting guy in Cube City. Well, I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that after his Calendar Nazi rescheduled our original meeting time, it got cancelled all together.

The reason? He needed to "prepare to be out of the office." What does that mean? He needed to pack for a trip to Bermuda or something? I was starting to feel extremely unimportant until other unimportant people told me that they'd received the same cancellation and excuse. So then I was back to just feeling unimportant.

Soon after the cancellation, I received an invitation to hear him speak to the company -- this time for a whole hour instead of 15 minutes. Finally, I was going to meet him and see what he had to say.

OMG. He had plenty to say. The guy loved to talk! After an hour and a half, he wrapped up his one-hour meeting. I liked some of what he had to say, but I've become so disillusioned in Cube City over the years that it's hard to believe in anything or anyone right away. It takes more than your confident speaking tone for me to get excited. I need to see results, and those take time. I'll give him a chance to prove himself, but for right now, he's just the man of the hour (and a half).

Talking Trash

After spending a few days in a city that smells like a dumpster, I'm thinking Cube City looks pretty good.

I really couldn't believe all the trash that littered a historic and architectural marvel like New Orleans. I also hadn't seen that many aimless local loiterers since my first and only visit to Phoenix in 1995. It just wasn't my type of place (though the oysters, alcohol, jazz, and po'boys were f'ing fantastic).

While I was hanging out in the Big Easy, Cube City was hit hard with more layoffs. I'm thankful that I missed all of that. I didn't even see it coming. I'm thankful that my team was unaffected by difficult decisions. It's hard when trash litters your landscape and you have to figure out how to clean up the mess.

Could Somebody Please Turn the Lights On?

I've been stumbling around in Cube City lately with questions ranging from little black holes to gigantic blackouts in my brain. I would kill for some light to shine on one of my projects. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I fear that it is most likely a freight train with the maximum amount of box cars allowed.

What's the best possible solution when you don't know what you're doing? You go on vacation, of course! Unfortunately, I'll be working while I'm on vacation, but at least I'll get to be in the dark whenever I choose this time around (e.g., I can't respond to your email because I'm on a plane...or in a bar...or in a bar that makes me feel like I'm flying).

I'm going to take the next three days off and head to New Orleans. Sure, I'll be doing some work, but I'll be having some fun too. I'll be doing some heavy drinking, so perhaps I'll get clarity. For some reason, I tend to think I understand what I'm doing when I'm loaded, and isn't that half the battle in Cube City?

I hope this work-vacation isn't a total train wreck. I'll report back to you on Friday.