Pass-Fail

I have to wonder why we do performance reviews in Cube City. What do they really accomplish?

Last weekend, I was telling a friend about how I'd busted my tail to prepare reviews for my boss to approve by a specified date, only to have them sit in a queue. My friend asked about the measures we use for reviews, and I told her we basically have an overcomplicated Likert scale by which to judge our employees:

• 1 = you are so gone in the next round of layoffs, if not sooner
• 2 = you suck almost as bad as a 1, but at least you're a warm body if we need you
• 3 = you are doing what's expected of someone in your position, even though our expectations are ambiguous
• 4 = rarely seen on a review, to be used sparingly for people who are too good to be in their current position
• 5 = unachievable but dangling there like an elusive carrot

My friend said that they receive grades in her Cube City and, much like our 5, an A is unattainable. Everybody doing a kick-ass job will be labeled a B and should be very happy with their above-average grade.

Back in the day, when I taught freshman English at a university (THAT was fun), I was told by my boss that I could give out an A to a maximum of 2 of my 23 students but would probably have to defend those As like a dissertation. It was a horrible evaluation system, and I hated giving Bs to people who did the work of A students.

It's much that way everywhere, I guess. All I can do is fight for what's right and let the politics be damned. I give a 4 or 5 when I feel it is warranted, but I get really tired of being evaluated for my evaluation scores. The numbers don't even mean anything to anyone at the end of the day. They're just numbers. You're either good at your job or you're not. Let's not complicate things. I think we should give credit where credit is due and consider a pass-fail system.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's raining buckets outside right now. It might even be raining men, or cube dwellers, or cube dwellers who are men. I've been awake for a few hours with scared pets breathing in my face. There's no local news this morning that covers a topic other than the play-by-play of the weather, which shows how serious today's storm is -- to the media, at least. All I know is that it is storming like crazy on a work day, and the flood of questions begins: Should I stay or should I go?

I really need to travel to Cube City today, so of course the road conditions are going to be treacherous. I have to wonder how many people struggle with the decision to go to Cube City when the weather is sketchy. How do they go about making their decision? What drives them? I know it's not worth it to risk my life for Cube City, and yet so many people seem to make the trip to the office without a problem and keep the complaints to themselves.

I guess I'll try to make the trip, but I wish I didn't have to journey through making the right decision.

Stand By Your Brand

Yesterday, I took a stand in Cube City. I said I was unable to work on a brand that never ends because I had to move on. I had another big brand to tackle, and I needed to focus.

How silly of me to think that I would win the stand against a never-ending brand.

All day, team members kept saying, "I know you're concentrating on another brand today, but..."

And then they proceeded to bombard me with emails, questions, and requests about the never-ending brand against which I took a freakin' stand.

I don't know why I have no willpower. Whether I'm in Candyland or Brandyland, I cannot seem to take a stand. I'm a sucker for every little request that picks away at my time, concentration, and will to live. I just go ahead and do what's asked of me. I get behind on my other work. I become cranky. I work nights and weekends. I see my intelligence seeping away with every little thing I agree to do after saying I'm not going to do it.

I even watch other cube dwellers take a stand, and I try to learn from them. One cube dweller who's right here in the same Brandyland situation with me is particularly skilled at disappearing when he's swamped with other work. He just lets the email threads build and go unanswered until every team member's head is spinning and we all forget whatever the hell we were talking about.

I guess I'm just not like him, so I must be punished greatly. I can't stand it. I have to reply to emails. I have to answer questions. I have to comply with requests. I have to stand by my brand.

31-30-29-28...

I've struggled to keep track of my calendar dates the past few weeks. I don't know if it's the weather or just Cube City that's sucking the life out of me, but I really have to think before I know the date. It's like learning the numerical combination to a lock. This week, I am counting back from 7/31, which is pay day. I am not too proud to cling to whatever works, and pay day is my winning combination this week.

Take the Time

Why do people in Cube City give you so many details when they need to work from home or request time off? 

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's unnecessary to explain why you need some time away. I don't need to know that little Johnny is afraid of the dentist and needs two parents to hold him down. I don't need to know that your uncle's flight is late, or your water heater is making a strange ticking sound you've never heard before, or you need to get your iPhone fixed and can only do so during a scheduled appointment you've had to wait three days to get because Apple is the devil and the system is more broken than the phone. It's none of my business.

Maybe it makes some people feel better to explain themselves. Maybe it means that they are conscientious. I don't know, but I wish I could find a way to tell people that it's okay to take time away without detailed explanation. There's a reason it's called personal time. 

Send Me an Angel

Yesterday, I had a surreal experience in Cube City. I was catching up with one of my direct reports in an all-glass conference room. Someone appeared at the door and waved at us. He seemed interested in crashing our meeting, yet he was very polite about it. We let him in, and he asked, "May I have a moment of your time?"

I wasn't sure which one of us he was speaking to, and it turned out that he wanted to speak to both of us. He turned to my direct report and repented about something that had been on his mind for quite some time. He said, "I want you to know that, about a year ago, I misjudged you...and I've felt bad about it ever since."

He proceeded with his apology in a very direct and refreshing manner. It takes a big man to admit he's wrong or clear the air long after the dust has settled. I was glad that he took the opportunity to face his demons and resurface as an angel. It was as close to a religious experience as I'd ever want to get in Cube City.

Out to Lunch

A rare thing happened in my Cube City world yesterday: I actually had the time to meet my significant stapler for lunch. We went to one of our favorite places near my cubicle and, due to uncharacteristically gorgeous weather, were able to sit outside on the "patio" (which was really the sidewalk due to the lack of real estate at this quaint eating establishment).

While sitting there, we had Small Town Syndrome: We saw someone we know. You see, my significant stapler used to work in my Cube City until layoffs eliminated the need for a stapler. The person we saw no longer works at my Cube City either, due to her position being similarly eliminated. Said person and my significant stapler briefly caught up on each other's new careers on the sidewalk, and then said person went inside for lunch.

The memories of layoffs are icky, and seeing people you know can really bring those memories back in a flash. I wonder if the person we ran into felt the same icky way, or if I'm just out to lunch in my thinking.

le Detour de July

Those who know the real Scissor Girl know that I'm really into cycling -- both riding bicycles and watching races like le Tour de France.

July is like a three-week holiday for me -- well, except that I have to work in Cube City. But I usually watch le Tour during these three weeks via live newsflash coverage on a US website. Reading the newsflashes every couple of minutes (or at the very least, during the last few minutes of each race stage) is very exciting -- more exciting than watching the coverage on television. I just refresh my browser every few minutes and get a new surprise. I dream of being the journalist who gets to write these newsflashes, but I've got my own race to pedal here in Cube City.

I can't tell you how many years I've been reading live le Tour newsflashes in Cube City, but there's just nothing like this race. Rumor has it that Lance Armstrong is going to announce a new team tomorrow that will be built around him in 2010 (not his current teammate who has proven to be the stronger cyclist of the two). It's news that will keep life interesting for those of us stuck in cubicles during next year's race.

What helps you get through July in Cube City?

The Color Purple

I've been in a rage about the color purple lately. Whether I'm shopping for cycling clothes or civvies, I'm really attracted to purple clothing. It's just how I roll right now. All the cute stuff I've seen in my size is purple. What's a girl to do?

This wouldn't be a problem if the primary brand color at my current Cube City wasn't -- you guessed it -- purple. So now I feel like a brown noser when I trot into my cubicle wearing something purple. It's like saying, "Hi, look at me in my team player colors! Goooo, TEAM!"

I feel like I can't even enjoy shopping without Cube City getting in the way, and that's just wrong.

Dream of a Cube Mate

It's just about that time again: team member birthdays in Cube City. Time to go to lunch with my quiet copywriters and have awkward conversations, uncomfortable silences, and painful reminders of our generation gap.

But today kicks off the most special birthday of them all: My new cube mate is one year old today!

Happy Birthday to a dream of a cube mate.

The Fling and Bling

I'm trying to decide how best to hold on to my pricey new ID badge in Cube City. The last one fell out of its plastic sleeve, which is no big surprise since I kept taping the sleeve up whenever the plastic tore apart. I wouldn't recommend scotch tape as an effective adhesive. That's your tip of the week about the most useless office supply in the world.

I've been keeping the new ID badge in my pocket during the day and so far have remembered to transfer it to my computer bag at night...because my pockets vary from day to day, but my computer bag stays the same. (There's a marketing slogan in here somewhere, but I'm too tired to find it.)

I used to work with a woman in Cube City who kept her ID badge in her purse. We'd return from lunch, at which time she'd just fling her purse up against the security device and *BLING!* We were in. If you have any tips about where to stash my badge so that I can fling and bling like her, send 'em along. I like being part of the "in" crowd.

Candyland

I wish I didn't know about the candy jars in Cube City. But since I have a serious sweet tooth, I seem to sniff them out pretty easily.

What is it that makes people bring candy to the office? Do these people actually want visitors? Are they trying to sweeten up to their visitors for favors? I never see them eating any of the candy at their desks, which floors me. How can you ignore a huge bowl of chocolate on your desk? Oh, and I love it when they look at me, shrug, and say, "I just don't crave chocolate," or "I have chocolate at home that's probably four months old. I just never think about it because I never want it."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

I'm trying to trim a few candy bars off my waistline right now and have been doing pretty well since Saturday. I even tested my willpower by bringing some of my favorite candy (yes, I am stupid) to work so that I could replenish the candy jar I most often frequent. I don't know what sweet-toothless cube dwellers get out of bringing candy to work, but I intend to get to the bottom of this mystery -- hopefully before I get to the bottom of the replenished candy jar.

You Can Leave Your Coat On

In Ice Cube City, it's always interesting to see the collection of coats that female cube dwellers stash in their office spaces when it's 105 degrees outside. I always have a sweater or coat on hand during the summer because it's always cold in Cube City.

I wonder why we can't seem to get it right and save some money and energy in Cube City. We can have layoffs or nickel-and-dime you for lost ID badges, but we can't turn the air conditioning up a few notches so that people can take their coats home in the summer? Srsly?

I realize that no matter how much I harp on this topic, things will never change. Cube City is incapable of saving money, much less the planet. Sorry, dear cube dweller, but so far as I can tell, you can leave your coat on.

Rumors Rising

I was minding my own business in Cube City when the topic of the rising star fell upon me once again.

This time, I was catching up with a fellow cube dweller about her projects. She brought it up, and the conversation went something like this:

Fellow Cube Dweller: So I heard that we're not filling the rising star's position, after all. Have you heard that?

Scissor Girl: No, I haven't. But I haven't had the opportunity to catch up with my manager lately.

Fellow Cube Dweller: Well, I also heard that we're not doing so well and are probably going to have layoffs. Have you heard anything about that?

Scissor Girl: I hadn't heard that either, but you know the state of the economy. It would not be a surprise. Not that it's any of my business, but who is spreading these rumors?

The name that my fellow cube dweller supplied just so happened to be the name of the person linked to the rising star's fall. Someone I know used to work with this person and stated that wherever said person went, drama historically followed. I didn't share this information with my fellow cube dweller, though, because it's obvious that the rumors are spreading just fine without my help. If any of this is true, it only makes me more intrigued to find out why the rising star has fallen and how said person spreading rumors seems to be so connected to the gossip chain.

On Fire

I should have worked last night. Because I didn't, I've started Monday in Cube City with my hair on fire. Anybody have a fire extinguisher?

Ode to the Lost ID Badge

I lost my ID badge somewhere in Cube City yesterday. I retraced my steps and interviewed cube dwellers about whether or not they'd seen it. I went to the front desk to see about getting a new one, but it will take time. I must be punished for a suitable amount of time before I am rewarded with a new ID badge, I guess.

What bothers me more is that I have to pay $15 for a new ID badge...because, in Cube City, being human and losing something for the first time in the two years you've worked here is going to cost you.

For now, I have a temporary ID badge that works only during office hours. Since I come in early, long before office hours begin, this temporary badge doesn't help me. What's worse is that it's attached to a toy. The receptionist informed me that all temporary badges are attached to toys. So now I have this temporary ID badge that can't get me access to the building when I need it and is glued to a gigantic tub of Play-Doh.

It makes playing nice with the other children in Cube City that much harder.

Twitter Talk

When I got home from Cube City yesterday, my significant stapler started sharing great hate for Twitter. The conversation went something like this:

Stapler: I hate Twitter.

Scissors: Me too. I refuse to Twitter. Why are you tweeting if you hate it so much?

Stapler: Well, okay, I don't hate Twitter. I hate things about Twitter...like people you don't know who start following you, and most of them are trying to get you to click on their spam.

Scissors: I take it you are clicking on their spam?

Stapler: Well, some of it sounds so interesting!

Scissors: It's obvious you're not in marketing for a living. Spammers count on people like you.

Stapler: What's really frustrating is that most of the spam is porn! I don't want to see that!

Scissors: Oh. Well, stop clicking on the porn, then.

Stapler: I don't mean to! I don't know it's porn until I click on it, and then I see those nasty photos!

Scissors: [off on a tangent...it was only a matter of time] Be careful. You could get fired for downloading porn while you're working. Oh, wait. You work for yourself. Wouldn't it be funny if you were paranoid about firing yourself?

My Fair Lady

My boss asked me to give feedback about people that I don't work with in Cube City. I don't know what to tell her. Performance reviews are coming up, and I want to be helpful; however, all I have for these people is high-level impressions that have nothing to do with their work performance. It doesn't seem fair to offer feedback when I have nothing to say. But, as my father would probably say, who ever said that Cube City is fair?

Mug Shots

Yesterday, somebody came by my desk in Cube City and said I needed to have my picture taken for our online employee directory. She took my photo, and I looked tired and sweaty...which is totally unacceptable for a Monday after a long holiday weekend.

I asked her to retake my photo, and she did.

Still tired. Still sweaty.

The truth of Cube City does not lie, and I now have the mug shot to prove that Cube City is like prison.

Sleepy Surprises

I don't like surprises in Cube City. Because I don't like surprises, I do what I can to prevent them. I check my work email around 10:00 every night before coming into work because, like I said, I don't want any surprises if I can help it.

But lately, a cube dweller has been sending emails around 1:00 AM, and not just to me. I feel like I need to come into work three hours early just to respond to all of her emails, and I have to wonder where she is during regular office hours and why she can't send her emails then, when we're all on a level playing field. Other cube dwellers agree with me that she needs to get a life. Or at least some sleep. Nobody should be sending emails at 1:00 AM.

If I didn't have a life, I'd surprise her with a 1:01 AM reply.

A Quick Fix

It appears that the maintenance man sometimes plays security guard in Cube City. I don't know if he babysits the security desk while the guard is in the little boys' room or what, but it makes me nervous to think that our maintenance man is multi-tasking as a security guard.

If I start to see the security guard multi-tasking as a maintenance man in the building, I'll know for certain that this is a quick fix in our "do more with less people" cubicle society.

The Need to Think It Through

I've been working so much in Cube City and sleeping so little that I can't think anymore. I can't formulate thoughts. I can't even put fragments of thoughts into intelligible words. I just have to tell people lame and vague things like, "I haven't thought through it yet."

Yesterday, something happened to pop the small amount of air left in my balloon. I had been working on three really cool concepts for a brand video with a pretty awesome team and had done a lot of the work after hours because I just couldn't fit it in with everything else on my plate.

After a lot of after-hours work, the project got shelved due to budget constraints.

It happens, but now I'm ridiculously exhausted for nothing. I hope we get to pick this fun project back up someday, but I really wish we could determine that there's no money for a project before we put our hearts and souls into it. You'd think we could do something this basic, but I guess we haven't thought through it yet.