About 2009

Let's never speak of 2009 again. It's been a hard year for a lot of people.

At high noon today, I'm so out of Cube City for the rest of the year, and I just hope 2010 is better for cube dwellers across the land.

Happy New Year to all!

Use Your Noggin

If you ever feel uninterested in paying attention when others are speaking in Cube City, use your noggin.

You've done it. I've done it. We've all done it. It's a survival strategy for corporate boredom. It's the head nod.

I love observing people in Cube City during speeches and meetings. I wonder what they're thinking when I know I'm bored out of my ever-lovin' mind. I see people nodding their heads like they're listening intently to someone who's undoubtedly boring. When the speaker unexpectedly directs a question at the listener, who is pretending to listen, you can tell that the listener is caught in the lie of a head nod.

I think it's both courteous and disrespectful to feign interest in someone or something with a head nod. I realize that some people are actually interested in boring speakers, and that's fine. To each their own. I say you need to do whatever it takes to stay awake in Cube City to combat boredom. Use your noggin and you'll be just fine.

Skeleton Crew

It's another short holiday work week in Cube City, with minimal minions doing the work. Being on the skeleton crew can go either way:

1. There can be way too much to do because there are way too few people to do it.
2. It can be really quiet because the people who are supposed to be leading the projects don't feel like working and therefore aren't giving you any direction.

It's a little early in the week to say for sure, but so far it's a mix of these scenarios for me. This is good because I need a little flexibility to do my own thing without a lot of "there's nothing to do and the clock won't move forward" boredom. I'm trying to squeeze doctor and dentist appointments into my work schedule this week before my health benefits cycle starts over on January 1st (that's Friday for those of you on the skeleton crew who are facing scenario #2 above with the spare time to read this blog). Hey, appointment hopping is what the healthcare system has given us, so it's time to give back.

Holiday Blues

The holidays are always a bit dysfunctional and depressing if you're not lying to yourself, and I'm glad to have them behind me. However, I'm not glad to have the paid holiday time behind me. It goes too fast. Now I'm back in Cube City and thinking about the next time I'll be off work, which, after New Year's Day, looks like late April. That just seems like a lifetime away, and I don't feel rested or ready for a new year of challenges. I hope it's a quiet week in Cube City. I need to feel like I've had a vacation from something. I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Lost: The Sequel

Oh, blast it all to hell. I have lost my ID badge again. That makes a total of $30 this year spent on trying to get myself back into Cube City. What's wrong with this picture? Who pays money to work? I guess I do. Grumble.

I don't know how it happened this time. All I know is that I reached for my ID badge yesterday morning, but it was not in its usual place. It wasn't anywhere else either. I've been in a NyQuil fog for over a week, thanks to sickly germs I undoubtedly acquired in Cube City, so who knows -- or even cares, at this point -- where it went?

Well, that's my last grand stunt before the office closes for a few days. Hope you all get at least a few days of rest and relaxation away from Cube City. I'll be back on Monday, and I want a badge for that.

Remembering Remy

It's a sad day, cube dwellers, and I don't feel much like writing about Cube City today. My new cube mate's brother Remy passed away in a sudden and tragic accident yesterday, and I am terribly sad for his owner and extended family. Remy was a bigger version of my new cube mate in every way, so this really hits home. If you have pets, please go home and hug them.

Romancing the Cubicle

Lately, I've seen a few guys trying to get their game on with the ladies in Cube City. I find it kind of funny...and kind of frightening at the same time.

I know from experience that you don't want to get your honey where you get your money. You don't want to get your sex where you get your checks. It's just a really bad idea. Sure, it will be fun at first, but it will most likely turn bad for you, your honey, and your money.

So, to all you cube dwellers trying to get a honey in Cube City, all I can do is say -- if you want to play, you'd better update your resume.

The Man Downstairs

It's been a weird year in Cube City, especially downstairs in the deli. When the deli first opened, a lot of cube dwellers were very excited because it was the only place to get food without leaving the building.

But time passed, and the novelty wore off. I don't know if others notice the strangeness, but there are some weird men running the deli. The first man seemed very happy and thankful for everyone's business in the beginning...until the novelty wore off and he started openly complaining about how bad business was. Time passed, and apparently he did too.

Now there's a new man running the deli downstairs, and he's way too happy and excited about being there. What's super-weird is that he wears a shirt that advertises the name of one cafe, but the receipt lists the name of a completely different cafe, and neither the shirt nor the receipt match the name of the sign on the deli door. I just wonder how many men it takes to run a deli? I don't know, but I wouldn't ask the man downstairs.

All Over the Place

Lately, and quite frequently, I've been pulled in a lot of different directions in Cube City. I've been forced to multi-task so severely that I'm really not mentally present in any given place at any given time. How is that possible when I'm physically EVERYWHERE?

Cube Q&A: Giving Guidance

Q: As a peon in Cube City, is it really my responsibility to provide basic guidance to a senior-level executive?

A: Dearest peon, it's cute that you expect higher-level people to know basic things. Aim lower.

I Have No Snowballs

Yesterday in my Cube City, we got a seasonal email reminder about what to do when inclement weather is upon us. Basically, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that the office will close. However, we were nicely informed to take a vacation day if we don't feel comfortable risking our lives to get to work.

There's not a snowball's chance in hell that most companies would so clearly put this type of information in writing, so I'll take it.

Fresh Meat

I've been lucky to work with some really great people in Cube City. One of them has been on maternity leave for a few months, which is not great (for me).

Change can be hard, especially in Cube City. It can turn you into dead meat if the circumstances don't go your way.

But change can also be a very good thing. With a great person being on maternity leave, I initially feared that I'd turn into dead meat. Instead, I've had the opportunity to work with Fresh Meat, and it's gone really well. Fresh Meat has a different way of doing things, as he should because he's a different person...but he's still very talented and enjoyable to work with. It's just nice to realize how change can be so fresh and good.

Chickens

It was a dark and stormy Wednesday in Cube City. I had just left one meeting and joined another already in progress. I checked my Facebook, as a girl is wont to do after concentrating on work for too long. I noticed one Friend's status, which went something like this:

Chickens with heads cut off! Ugh!

I turned to a cube dweller sitting next to me, showed him my Friend's status on Facebook, and said, "Do you think she's talking about us? She posted this during our last meeting."

I wouldn't blame her for thinking we're all chickens with our heads cut off. It's how we operate in Cube City. There's no time to think through anything or propose solid solutions. The thing is, people who get frustrated never seem to let it out. They just implode and then post passive-aggressive statements for everyone to see on Facebook. To me, that's just as chicken as running around with your head cut off.

Meeting of the Minds

Lately, it's been hard to get into a conference room on time in Cube City. People's meetings are running over the allotted time slots on a regular basis, and there are few conference rooms to go around anyway. But, really, I wonder why I've had to wait outside the door so much for people to wrap up their meetings. Don't we all hate meetings? Why isn't everyone making a mad rush for the door as soon as time's up, if not sooner? I don't know, but I think we need a meeting of the minds to get this right.

On My Nerves

Scissor Girl is getting a workout in Cube City this week with some serious carpal tunnel syndrome. Ironically, carpal tunnel isn't working my nerves near as hard as some of the people I'm working with...but before I go off on another tangent, I'll just stop typing and start repairing the nerve damage.

SOS

Yesterday couldn't have been more of a shit storm in Cube City. I'm working on a project with a really unorganized person right now, and I just hate it. After making massive edits to an unplanned project all day, I got a request at the end of the day to do everything over with a complete change of direction.

The person wanted changes "ASAP."

I'm not going to entertain you with what "ASAP" stands for in my world right now. All I can say is that lack of organization on one person's part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Not at the end of the day. Not after I handed you everything you asked for on a silver platter. You really can't have diarrhea of the mouth at the end of the day and expect people to clean up after you. I can only stand so much of a shit storm before needing to come up for fresh air.

It's a new day, but it sure feels like the "SOS" (same old shit).

Don't Try This At Home

Scissor Girl has got nuttin' to say today. I'm trying this 30-day workout experiment that hurts me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Like a mutha.

Every day.

I'm on Day 7 of this workout experiment from hell, and it's not getting any easier. You know how there are times when focusing on work in Cube City is impossible because you're hurtin' like a mutha from stupid human tricks you try at home? That's where I'm at today.

It's My Friday

It grates on my nerves when cube dwellers brag about taking time off when they know damn well that you're going to be stuck in Cube City. They'll come up to you on a Thursday, grinning from ear to ear, and flauntingly say, "It's my Friday."

Don't you just want to smack them?

Well, I usually want to smack them, but now it's my turn. Guess what? It's my Friday! Yes, indeed, I am off work tomorrow. I'd brag more about it, except that it's my last day off of the year, minus one paid holiday weekend. So please hold the smacking. I think my Monday is going to last for the rest of the month.

Guesstimates

I don't like providing estimates in Cube City. I know they're important. But usually I don't have enough information about a project to provide a good estimate of how long it will take. I end up taking guesses.

I remember My Paper Boss telling me that he'd been providing estimates for 15 years and had no idea if any of them were ever close. He'd just throw out a number and never hear about it again. Maybe I should be more like him. Maybe I should just throw out my guesstimate and not worry about it anymore. I guess I just hate guessing.

Stapler Boy

Why do grown boys fiddle with things? I was sitting in a conference room with a grown boy yesterday, and he was fiddling with a stapler that someone had left on the table. He pressed the stapler down, extracted a few staples, and started unbending their edges. When he got bored with that, he tore the plastic cover off his iPhone and started pressing on the edges of the cover. I think he was trying to break his own property. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish, actually, but I find that boys -- in Cube City and elsewhere -- like to fiddle with things. I just don't understand why. I'm glad I am Scissor Girl, not Stapler Boy.

Cyber Monday

It's Cyber Monday, which means a lot of people will be shopping online in Cube City instead of doing their work.

I wonder how many cube dwellers participate in Cyber Monday. Do employers take this Monday after Thanksgiving into account with the other times their employees do personal time on the company dime?

Scissor Girl decided to find out. According to this article about Cyber Monday, the boss's Internet will get a workout today. The writer of this article sticks up for us minions and says we'll actually save our employers some money today because we won't spend extra time during our lunch hours getting trapped in long checkout lines.

So shop away, dear cube dwellers. Maybe we can someday get our employers to turn Cyber Monday into a national holiday. That's the biggest thing on my wish list today.

Thursday Thanks

Scissor Girl is thankful that Thanksgiving always falls on Thursday. While I'm thankful that I get paid for not coming to Cube City tomorrow, I'm more thankful that I get paid for not coming to the weekly staffing meeting. Like Thanksgiving, the staffing meeting always falls on Thursday.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Thursday, everyone!

The Cube Whisperer

A dear friend of mine in a different Cube City has worked at the same large, established corporation for her entire career. She's probably put close to 30 years into that place and has spent most of her time in a cushy office. However, since we all know that employee benefits get worse instead of better as the years go by, it's no surprise that her loyalty and service have been rewarded with a downgrade to a cubicle.

Whenever I talk to her on the phone during office hours now, she'll whisper. She's just not comfortable with cubicle life at all. It's kind of funny to me. She shuts down when her cube neighbors talk, laugh, gossip, or yell at their kids on the phone because she's just not used to hearing all those voices when she's trying to concentrate on her work. It's really hard to have a conversation with her when she's whispering into the phone, and I hope she gets her cushy office back someday. If not, she will be known to me as the Cube Whisperer.

Bags Fly Free

Scissor Girl had a great weekend at home with her significant stapler, which made coming to Cube City that much harder today. I guess I'm just year-end tired, and I don't know how to cure the exhaustion and the frightening carry-on bags stowed under my eyes. I'm starting to remember that I'm a dumb ass for being in Cube City during a holiday week, though. This is going to be a short week from hell. When will I learn to take flight from Cube City at the holidays? How many mechanical problems is it going to take? If I ever figure it out, I'll share my secrets here with you.

I'm wishing my fellow cube dwellers a short week from a more heavenly place than hell, whatever that looks like to you. You are now free to move about the cubicle.

The Seagull

There's a guy in Cube City who apparently thinks a lot of himself. He's like a seagull. He'll fly into a room, shit all over your work, and leave without offering alternative ideas or solutions. I know there are flocks of seagulls in Cube City. This is nothing new. I just wish the seagulls would migrate elsewhere.

Give Me a Break

I did a volunteer gig for Cube City last weekend. In truth, I got volunteered after it became clear to the organizers that too few cube dwellers were willing to voluntarily give up their weekends.

Sigh.

You know, it was a good experience. The nonprofit organization we helped couldn't have been more thankful, and meeting their needs was both interesting and rewarding. But working the weekend is exhausting. It takes a toll on your soul. I'm just now starting to recover from the reality of working the weekend without a break, probably because I'm really focusing on the upcoming weekend of not working.

I guess it just irks me that people have the nerve to volunteer you when you communicate a complete lack of interest in volunteering yourself. 'Tis the season to give, I suppose, but give me a break.

More Evidence Has Surfaced

You know I've drawn many parallels between Cube City and prison. Well, dear cube dwellers, the parallels continue.

I work in a division of Cube City that requires anything we create to go through several rounds of legal review. Yesterday, I received notice that a project I'd completely forgotten about had resurfaced from the depths of legal review. The project had been locked down in the client's legal process for so long that I had forgotten what it looked like, or that it had even existed.

As I made the updates needed to satisfy the project's legal reviewers, I found myself wondering what it would be like if we put projects through our nation's criminal justice system. Would the projects go to trial any quicker than human beings? Probably not, but the snail's pace of legal review is simply stunning to me at times. I believe it should be a crime for legal review to take so long, but the jury is still out on that one.

Is It Thanksgiving Yet?

Scissor Girl needs a break from Cube City. Bad.

That Guy

I just finished a project with a guy who's new to my department in Cube City. He's not new to the company, but you sure wouldn't know it from working with him. It's bizarre how we can work for different departments in the same company and operate in a completely different manner. How does that happen?

This guy seems to think it's okay to give me no time to do my part of the project. Is he new? Lord. I had to nip his belief system in the bud. I pushed back and let him know that he wasn't going to hog all the project hours to make his stuff look good, only to give me a few minutes (I wish I was exaggerating) to make it sound good.

He knew that he was in the wrong. He probably knew before I nipped him, but he's used to operating in complete and utter chaos. He finds it acceptable, based on how he treats the people around him. (And yes, I saw him treat others this way before I started beating him over the head with a mallet.) When I was done with him, he said, "This project is just out of control. I'll try not to be that guy in the future who asks for things at the last minute."

I guess I wonder why he feels like he has no control? Why isn't he pushing back if the deadlines are unreasonable? He's in a relatively senior position and is acting like an amateur. If you don't want to be that guy, don't even start out that way. Don't consider it an option...unless you want that girl to bash your head in. Damn straight.

Nonfat Venti Friday

It's Friday, which means I'll see a lot more (or at least bigger) Starbucks cups in Cube City. It never fails. The coffee cups get bigger and more frequent in cube dwellers' hands as the week progresses.

I'm not a coffee drinker, but I love the Starbucks experience. Brew me a tall, nonfat, extra-hot, light-whip hot chocolate, and I feel like I've got a cup of "I Can Do Anything Today." Starbucks is extra hot with me right now because I love-love-love the red holiday cup. Okay, it's way too early to be celebrating the holidays, but at least there's something to celebrate in Cube City during these bleak economic times. When the economy is weak, the coffee should be strong. Period.

What's in your red cup?

Surviving the Sickness

I'm supposed to check in periodically with a guy in another branch of Cube City. I didn't like him until I tried really hard to understand him. And now, I just think he's fun to watch...from afar.

This guy is all about drama. He's stressed out at all times. It's like he has a drama virus and spreads it to all of his direct reports. I think they like him and find his drama contagious, but surely they know he's not well. If he could just learn to wash his hands of certain things, he'd help prevent infection across cubicles.

Let's use Janelle (not her real name) as an example.

Janelle: This is too much work for one person. I can't handle this workload and wanted to let you know that I don't think I'll make a lot of these deadlines.

Drama Guy: OMG! I think we just broke Janelle!

How does Drama Guy's response solve problems? I mean, c'mon. Why be a terrorist about it? Janelle was just being responsible by speaking up. She was letting him know that she needed help meeting deadlines. But from Drama Guy's response, you'd think Janelle had jumped out of a window and broken her back or something. He could've reassured her that she is only one person and therefore can only do the work of one person (well, really, three people around here). Heck, he could've taken a cue from Golden Boy and yelled, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!" Like Golden Boy, he could've just blamed it all on staffing issues. But, no, he had to do it his way.

I'll be checking in with Drama Guy soon. I think I'll keep some antibacterial hand gel nearby. His attitude can be very contagious, and I'd rather cure illnesses than create them.

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Sure, I'd love a paid Cube City holiday in honor of Veterans Day, but that would mean I'd be a banker or postal worker most other weekdays of the year.

Thank you for not making me a banker or postal worker. Thank you, God.

Love,
Scissor Girl

Cube Q&A: Interns

Q: What does it mean when your boss tells you to hire at the intern level in Cube City?

A: Dear cube dweller, interns are young and cheap. They are desperate and hungry for work. They can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere. Thanks to their stack of rejection letters and limited pool of networks, they have no self esteem and do not realize their worth or talent. It sounds like your company is cheap and unwilling to pay for someone who knows what they're doing. That said, have fun training your fragile intern in addition to all of your own work duties.

Man of the Hour (and a Half)

I know you're all waiting with bated breath to hear about my time with the 15-minute meeting guy in Cube City. Well, I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that after his Calendar Nazi rescheduled our original meeting time, it got cancelled all together.

The reason? He needed to "prepare to be out of the office." What does that mean? He needed to pack for a trip to Bermuda or something? I was starting to feel extremely unimportant until other unimportant people told me that they'd received the same cancellation and excuse. So then I was back to just feeling unimportant.

Soon after the cancellation, I received an invitation to hear him speak to the company -- this time for a whole hour instead of 15 minutes. Finally, I was going to meet him and see what he had to say.

OMG. He had plenty to say. The guy loved to talk! After an hour and a half, he wrapped up his one-hour meeting. I liked some of what he had to say, but I've become so disillusioned in Cube City over the years that it's hard to believe in anything or anyone right away. It takes more than your confident speaking tone for me to get excited. I need to see results, and those take time. I'll give him a chance to prove himself, but for right now, he's just the man of the hour (and a half).

Talking Trash

After spending a few days in a city that smells like a dumpster, I'm thinking Cube City looks pretty good.

I really couldn't believe all the trash that littered a historic and architectural marvel like New Orleans. I also hadn't seen that many aimless local loiterers since my first and only visit to Phoenix in 1995. It just wasn't my type of place (though the oysters, alcohol, jazz, and po'boys were f'ing fantastic).

While I was hanging out in the Big Easy, Cube City was hit hard with more layoffs. I'm thankful that I missed all of that. I didn't even see it coming. I'm thankful that my team was unaffected by difficult decisions. It's hard when trash litters your landscape and you have to figure out how to clean up the mess.

Could Somebody Please Turn the Lights On?

I've been stumbling around in Cube City lately with questions ranging from little black holes to gigantic blackouts in my brain. I would kill for some light to shine on one of my projects. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I fear that it is most likely a freight train with the maximum amount of box cars allowed.

What's the best possible solution when you don't know what you're doing? You go on vacation, of course! Unfortunately, I'll be working while I'm on vacation, but at least I'll get to be in the dark whenever I choose this time around (e.g., I can't respond to your email because I'm on a plane...or in a bar...or in a bar that makes me feel like I'm flying).

I'm going to take the next three days off and head to New Orleans. Sure, I'll be doing some work, but I'll be having some fun too. I'll be doing some heavy drinking, so perhaps I'll get clarity. For some reason, I tend to think I understand what I'm doing when I'm loaded, and isn't that half the battle in Cube City?

I hope this work-vacation isn't a total train wreck. I'll report back to you on Friday.

Wanted: Accountant Who Can Do Math

I'm a words person, not a numbers person. But I think I manage my finances pretty well. And in Cube City, where we just can't seem to put into words how we manage money, I look like a friggin' CPA.

Sigh.

We seem to have no problem ordering 60 pizzas to bribe people to come to a "mandatory" meeting, but we have major problems hiring more people to help get the work done. Instead, we expect people to spend their free time working. Meanwhile, our grossly overpaid executives travel in style and spend $1500 on lavish client dinners. I don't even want to know what all they expense to the company. All I know is that it comes at a cost.

Who does the math and makes these decisions? If that's how we do math in Cube City, my days here as a CPA would certainly be numbered.

Accentuating the Positive

Okay, cube dwellers, that's it. I'm tired of ranting this week. I'm tired of my negativity. It's time to accentuate the positive in Cube City.

Speaking of accents, I work with a woman who has a very distinct and sophisticated accent. Everything she says sounds cool and important:

• It's not a status meeting, people. It's a STATE-us meeting.
• It's not a REsource but rather a reSOURCE.

I've received a lot of emails from her this week, with requests for STATE-us and reSOURCES, and all I can say is that she's in my head. When I read her emails, it's like her voice takes over my brain, and I can hear her reading her messages to me with fancy accentuations in all the right places. How does she do that? I don't think I ever hear other cube dwellers' voices in my head when I read their emails. It's just positively cool.

It's the Not-So-Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

OMG. We're supposed to have a pumpkin-themed potluck in Cube City tomorrow.

Ain't no way.

I can't imagine eating a bunch of pumpkin foods, like pumpkin casserole with a pumpkin pie chaser.

One cube dweller said this is a good opportunity to get botulism. No, thanks!

I have to stop and think, WWCBD (What Would Charlie Brown Do)? After all, in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," all Charlie Brown wants is to be invited to a Halloween party. Instead, he goes trick-or-treating and sadly comes home with a bag full of rocks.

But would Charlie Brown want to be invited to this party?

I won't be contributing to, or participating in, the not-so-great pumpkin potluck. A bag of rocks sounds more appealing than a bag of botulism.

TEIM

There really is an "I" in TEAM, dear cube dwellers: TEIM. See? There has to be. If you depend on your TEAM in Cube City, especially at the beginning of a project, you are bound to fail.

I've got angst, it's true. I think it's because I'm at the beginning of two new projects right now, and I am marching blindly forward. I'll know what I'm doing once I'm done, but right now is just a total mind-blowing mystery.

On one of my projects, the key people are never around. They have all the knowledge and no time to transfer it. I'm sort of surprised because this is a high-profile project that is dear to our CEO's heart. You'd think they would be slobbering all over the brown-nosing opportunities to make sure things go smoothly.

On the other project, I think most of the people are new to the brand, and the client is simply a moron who can't articulate the business objectives to herself, let alone anyone else. There's not much I, or anyone else, on the team can do about that. So we don't get the information we need until we've burned through a lot of hours and budget. Then we get to start all over again. It's all such a waste of time, effort, and money.

So I am just taking stabs in the dark and making uneducated guesses until I learn from every mistake I make. I think it's like this at the beginning of any new project, but I'm getting a double-whammy reminder of how much I hate this phase of the project lifecycle. Right now, it's all about me.

No 15 Minutes for You

In case you've been feverishly awaiting my assessment of the 15-minute meeting guy, I've got news for you: I'm not important. (Okay, so that's not really news.) The meeting got moved by his personal Calendar Nazi in a New York minute, so I'll be meeting with him next month instead. Or so says his personal Calendar Nazi. Stay tuned for more minute details about this star-studded event in Cube City.

Lunch for Two

I used to work with a guy in Cube City who lied to his wife about lots of weird stuff. There was one weird thing he lied to her about on a daily basis: Lunch.

This guy was in charge of the household bills, so I'm guessing his wife never saw where the money went. The weird thing was that he'd bring his lunch to work every day, throw it in the trash, and then ask various co-workers to go out to lunch. It was a big secret too. Before holiday parties and other company functions where we'd inevitably see his wife, he'd tell us to keep our mouths shut about going out to lunch. He was really concerned about getting caught.

I don't understand the need to hide these things. If it's a matter of the wife packing a lunch that sucks, you open your mouth and say, "You know, this sucks. I won't eat it. Let's go shopping for things I'll eat." Or heck, if it's a matter of wanting to get out of the office for good food and good company, wouldn't it be easier and far less wasteful to just say you want to eat out? Surely, it wasn't about money; the guy spent money on two lunches every day, despite one of them going directly into the trash can.

I don't want to know what it's like to live his double life. A double lunch seems like trouble enough to me.

Making More Conversation

Well, copywriter birth season 2009 has ended in Cube City. The drought will now resume, as we will have no more birthday lunches until next July. Luckily, we stocked up on provisions at our last birthday lunch. Here are a few of the topics we covered:

• Bollywood video dancers
• Southern accents of licensed plumbers
• How time flies when you watch kids during the week
• How time drags when you watch kids during the weekend
• Chicken fried steak (the staple of our birthday lunch conversations)
• The fascinating stupidity of the helium balloon boy hoax
• The depression that comes with filling out time sheets on Monday morning
• The hatred of being shamed by Office Assistant #82 when you submit your time late vs. not at all
• Football (which happens when you go to lunch with boys and/or Texans)

The 15-Minute Meeting

In Cube City, there are some people who are really popular. Then there are some people who are really unpopular. Furthermore, there are people who are really popular...until they're really unpopular.

Later this week, I am supposed to spend 15 minutes with a really popular new hire. He's the replacement for a previously popular hire who became widely unpopular. From what I've heard at the water cooler, he really likes to talk and is crazy...in a good way.

I'll decide for myself and will attempt to report back to you. I just hope that since he's a talker, he's not the boy version of the 30-minute answer girl because I think his popularity will fade pretty quickly if that's the case.

Oooky Dooky

I regrouped with my amusing friend from a different Cube City, and she wants you all to know that French pedicures are oooky because it's as though feet are trying to be too much like fingers. I'm sure we can all get some sleep now.

Oh, and she also wants you to know that wooden Nutcracker figurines -- the ones people use as Christmas decorations -- are oooky because:

• Nothing about them says Christmas
• They have freakish hinge-jaw faces

Oooky dooky. I think we're done here.

Same Job, Different Face

I need to process something, cube dwellers, and I hope you can help me.

Last week in Cube City, I received a resume from our recruiter for a position that's not even open, but that's not the part I find difficult to process. The resume's owner was the long-time girlfriend (at least 8 years, maybe longer) of the only person I've ever had to fire -- except that, according to her new last name, she's now married to that guy.

Okaaaay. Who besides me thinks this is odd? May I see a show of hands? What person in their right mind would apply for the same position in the same company where her then-boyfriend-now-husband got fired -- especially when the position isn't even hiring?!

Surely this is a joke. Ugh. Weird. But maybe it isn't...and that's the part that I find most difficult to process.

A Pedi for Your Thoughts

I have an amusing friend in a different Cube City with a very specific list of the things that bother her. You don't hear or see the list all at once, as it's in her head. But if you unknowingly bring something up in conversation that happens to be on the list, you are going to hear about it.

The last time we got together, she was telling me how she likes French manicures but thinks French pedicures are oooky. I can't say that I had an opinion one way or the other before she started explaining why French pedicures are wrong. I can't even remember her reasons for why French pedicures are wrong, but she somehow convinced me that they are indeed oooky.

At a meeting the other day in Cube City, I was sitting next to a woman with open-toed shoes who had -- you guessed it -- a French pedicure. I found myself inching up to the conference room table so as not to have to see her feet. I was getting oooked out. It's interesting how a friend's thoughts can influence how you view the feet below you.

Another Year, Another Rain Check

It wouldn't be much of a feat for Mother Nature to throw some rain our way today, considering rain is about all we've seen for the past several weeks. However, it's October 15th, and I really can't seem to think about anything in Cube City on this date except the spooky rain check story.

Happy October 15th, my soggy cube dwellers!

The Bermuda Triangle

The brand planning madness continues in Cube City, and it's making m'head spin.

A very intelligent cube dweller put a few slides together to demonstrate the strategic nature of our tactics and then presented them to a small number of people on the internal brand team.

A few of us met without the very intelligent cube dweller to discuss her slides, particularly a framework that shows how we can integrate the planning of our tactics through a triangle effect. We sat there and struggled through the tactics, trying to decide how to map them into triangles. Were the triangles confusing and unnecessary, or were we just stupid?

We concluded both, so we asked our very intelligent cube dweller to come into the room to play a triangle game with us. We ran through the tactics, and she was able to map everything to triangles and explain it all in a way that made sense. I can't really explain it to you on my own, but it sounded good when she was talking about it.

I'm not really one to think in terms of triangles, or even strategic frameworks, and I found myself briefly depressed to be in a situation where I was mapping ideas into triangles. I felt sort of lost, like I was in the Bermuda Triangle. Reaching common ground is good, but it's even better to find your way home to what you know.

Office Assistant #82

Well, it's that time again in Cube City: Office Assistant #82 is born.

**Sigh**

I haven't really met our 82nd office assistant yet. Somebody walked a random woman through the office the other day and said, "Oh, and that's Scissor Girl," as they breezed by my desk. I'm assuming that was her. I waved and figured she was a new hire whose name and title I'd never know unless we worked together directly on something. That's how it works around here.

All I've seen of her is the all-too-familiar emails about who's out of the office, and they're riddled with errors...just like with Office Assistant #81. But when you consider that #81 is training #82, it's no big surprise.

We'll see how long Office Assistant #82 lasts. Six months appears to be the standing record. Mark your calendar.

Making Conversation

When I go to lunch with the quiet Cube City copywriters, I need to start taking notes. This is an eccentric group, and I find the variety of conversation topics to be very entertaining. At one of our recent lunches, here are a few topics we covered:

• Shoe repair for high-heeled boots
• Chicken fried steak (note: I think we talk about this glorious dish every time we meet)
• The tragedy of failed white fluffy frosting from the Joy of Cooking
• Halloween costumes, including the many variations of Michael Jackson we'll inevitably see this year
• Small-town motels
• The discipline required to wait until your birthday to open gifts you've received in the mail
• Whataburger taquitos (hey, we were hungry)
• Marathon training and when/if beer is a good hydration option
• The learning curve of a French press, or the tweaking required to make coffee that doesn't look like mud
• Origami
• The "overstyled" look of the latest Acura TL

I find it amazing that we cover so many topics since you can feel the tension and effort required to make conversation within this group. It's a victory to reflect on these times and see what happens when we open our mouths and form sentences. Go, team!

New Week's Resolutions, Part Deux

It's the end of the week in Cube City, and I'm here to report on my new week's resolution. I think my track record with resolutions is generally pretty poor, but you can't blame a girl for trying. How did Scissor Girl do?

Monday: I attended a cube dweller's birthday lunch and ordered a chili cheese dog. What the hell was I thinking?! Idiot! To make matters worse, a cube neighbor informed me that she had a very impressive candy jar with just about every kind of candy I could want. She was right, and I wanted/consumed just about every kind. In my defense, I didn't visit the original Candyland, but how was I supposed to know that a shiny new branch of the candy bank would be opening up next door to me? Monday: FAIL.

Tuesday: One minute, I was telling myself to stay away from the new branch of the candy bank. The next minute, I was a loyal customer making continuous withdrawals. Tuesday: EPIC FAIL. (Editor's note: Scissor Girl had to sweat out 21 writeups for a brand planning meeting and actually finished her assignment early due to all the candy coursing through her veins.)

Wednesday: I visited the new branch of the candy bank twice. Yes, twice. That's about 8,000 fewer visits than the previous two days, but I should've just stuck with online banking. Wednesday: PATHETIC BORDERLINE FAIL.

Thursday: I didn't let myself visit the candy bank at all. If I needed to talk to the candy banker, I called or emailed. No drive-thrus, no walk-ins. I busied myself with work and carrot sticks. It just wasn't the same...in so many ways. I finally met my resolution, if only for the day. Thursday: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

Friday: Today is yet to be determined, but I'm working from my safe place. There's never any food here that isn't healthy, so I'm predicting success unless the cupcake fairy shows up at my door. Note to self about Friday: DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR.

How did it go with your own resolutions for this week?

Desperately Seeking Acceptance

I work with two people in Cube City who were hired at about the same time in the same discipline. There's something else they have in common: Both of them mark all of their calendar invitations as "tentative." They don't offer explanations either. They just mark everything with a noncommittal "tentative."

I hate that.

I think this is how they were trained, so they're not going to change. But I find an unexplained "tentative" RSVP very hard to accept. I realize that an invitation to a project meeting is not near as exciting as an invitation to a vodka party, but there are times when I need to know if you're going to show up or not.

I want to invite these two cube dwellers to rethink their training. But since it's really not my place to tell them how to think, I'm tentative in my invitation. I'll just have to accept that this is how things are, but I don't have to like it. I should probably start bringing vodka to my meetings.

Extracted

When you live the reality of Cube City, there's no movie you can better relate to than Office Space. From having a case of the Mondays to bashing the stupid fax machine with a bat, the characters in Office Space really bring cubicle depression to life.

But now the makers of Office Space have released a new film called Extract. Has anyone seen it yet? My significant stapler and I were going to see it over the weekend but just didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, much like Peter in Office Space when he decided he just didn't want to go to work anymore...or pay his bills. But we did watch the trailer for Extract online, and it looked funny...in a depressing sort of way.

If you've seen Extract, please share your review here!

Crickets

October is always tough in Texas. After a long, hot, and dry summer, there's a massive cricket outbreak. Everywhere you go, you see crickets. You hear crickets.

October is always tough in Cube City too. This is the time of year when we start brand planning for next year. We come up with the big ideas we want to pitch to our existing clients to see what they'll go for and how we can convince them to spend their advertising dollars with us. We have brainstorms. We list our ideas. We prioritize our ideas. We categorize our ideas within strategic frameworks. We put presentations together that represent our ideas. Then, of course, we present our ideas.

Lately, I've been involved in brainstorms where nobody is jumping up to present great ideas. I think we're all exhausted and have run out of ideas. It doesn't help that most of our ideas never see the light of day. I feel badly for the people who are leading these meetings. All they're hearing is crickets.

I wish the remedy was as simple as rubbing our legs together until some chirping comes out. I can't say that I've actually tried this, but I think it would work only for males, if at all. I guess I'll just keep thinking in hopes that I can come up with some ideas to put in the hopper.

New Week's Resolutions

Today in Cube City, I resolve to avoid Candyland. The candy man says he won't be refilling his candy dish after this week, as he'll be going to Europe on a fancy vacation. I guess I'll just challenge myself to stay away from the candy so that I can (a) avoid buying bigger pants, and (b) practice coping for the candy man's departure.

In other words, watch out. Scissor Girl could get cranky.

Do you have any resolutions for the week?

10/2

It's going to be a great day in Cube City. Well, okay, I'm not sure about the Cube City part, but hey...at least it's Friday.

But Friday or not, I think 10/2 is a great day overall. I'm not a big fan of Lance Armstrong's enormous ego, but I think it's pretty cool that he celebrates 10/2 as, "The day I was diagnosed with cancer was the day I started to live." I'm reminded that some people have bigger problems.

I like 10/2 for more significant reasons too. It's the day that I met my significant stapler, who has officially put up with me for four years! Every 10/2, we buy a living thing and plant it in our yard -- not a person or animal that we bury alive, for clarification, but rather a plant or tree of some kind. It's just a sentimental way that we like to celebrate our day.

What's a great day to you? Happy 10/2!

Who You Gonna Call?

Welcome to October. In Cube City, Halloween has come early. I park on the dungeon level of the parking garage, and lately I've been attacked by dirty cobwebs dangling from the rafters. It's like Cube City is trying to trap me within a tangled web, and I don't like it at all.

I have to wonder who I need to call to bust these tangled webs. Is there a custodian who occasionally vacuums the rafters of the garage? Are we just supposed to pull these webs down ourselves and hope the spiders have long since abandoned them?

I know that, as a digital agency, we provide web services...but cobwebs were not exactly what I think any of us had in mind.

S c a r y.

Getting Pissed

Yesterday was crazy in Cube City. CRAZY! It started with me digging out from 40 emails I received overnight -- and by "emails," I mean a pissing match between two team members. Why two team members were pissing on each other and copying me on emails they were sending at 2:30 AM is beyond crazy.

But it's always interesting to hear what each person has to say.

Pissy Person #1: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because she's providing feedback on things that were due two weeks ago. If you can't keep up, that's not my problem. I've had it. I just had to tell her that this is done and over with, you know? She sends way too many emails after the fact.

Pissy Person #2: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because I've been stretched too thin. I've been traveling or I've been in planning meetings, and I've just now had time to dig out of my inbox. I always start with my project managers first because they send me the most emails. I had 11 emails from one of them and then 107 -- 107, Scissor Girl! -- from Pissy Person #1. Pissy Person #1 sends way too many emails.

What happens in pissing matches like this is that nobody can solve anything. By the time each pissy person has relieved themselves, everything is all watered down. It sort of pisses me off because I'm drowning in email threads, trying to separate the pissing from the real work I need to do. If I had the time, interest, and credentials to do a thorough urinalysis, you'd be calling me Dr. Scissor Girl, and I'd be working for a whole lot more than scissors.

Don't (Always) Fear the Reaper

Yesterday in Cube City, my neighbor's phone rang, and I heard her gasp. She collected herself and then answered the phone.

When she hung up, she said, "Whew. That scared me!"

When she told me who called, and it turned out to be the guy in HR who fires people, I replied, "That poor guy. He's the Reaper. Nobody wants to associate with him!"

Luckily, the Reaper wasn't calling to deliver fearful news, but it's hard to change how you feel about someone who can punt you out the door. At least we have caller ID so that we can see him coming.

Would You Like Some Cheese With Your Whine?

Note to cube dwellers: Your boss doesn't care and doesn't want to hear about it, so shut your pie hole.

The one thing that bothers me about being a boss is when people act like spoiled brats. It's amazing how direct reports in Cube City will whine when you lean in and pretend like you're listening to them.

I'll listen to someone who has a good point and is clearly being taken advantage of. I also think I'm pretty good at protecting the people who report to me when necessary. But when somebody has to travel once or twice a year, or occasionally has to work nights and/or weekends, I don't want to hear about it. We all do it. None of us like it. The difference is that some of us know when to shut our pie hole about it.

Maybe it's a generation gap, but I can't believe how some younger people in Cube City just don't seem to know how to suck it up now and then. To me, if something is the exception rather than the rule, you suck it up. But I hear about EVERY little thing...

"I just wanted you to know that I have to work tonight. I'm not happy about it."

"It looks like I'll be working this weekend. I'm not happy about having to spend my free time working. I thought you should know."

"I've been told that I have to do an overnight business trip next month. I guess that means I have to spend the night in a hotel? I'm not looking forward to being away from my family for a night."

Seriously? Srsly. Suck. It. Up. What do you really expect me to say or do about it?

I would never dream of informing my boss that I have to work tonight; I'd just suck it up and do it! Maybe that makes me a sucker, but I think it's cheesy to whine when you've got it pretty good.

Damn, I'm old.

The 30-Minute Answer

How much time should elapse between a question and an answer in Cube City? A few days ago, I sat down with a prospective candidate who would be in another office and probably wouldn't even be someone I'd have any contact with at all. So I'm really not sure why I was told to talk to her. And when I say "talk to her," I mean "listen to her."

OMG. The woman could talk. I wondered if she was nervous or just jacked up from being in Cube City for an all-day interview. It was hard to ask questions because she could not seem to figure out how to wrap up her answers. I found our 30 minutes together to be a bit exhausting.

At the end of our visit, she took a breath and asked, "Do you have any other questions for me?" I wanted to point out that I had asked one question 30 minutes previously and had been listening to her answer ever since, but I refrained and got the hell out of there. That's what I'm talking about.

Fakebook

I need to break out of Cube City and break into the social media business. If I were to break out, I'd create Fakebook, a place where we could all secretly go to post things we'd never dare on our real Facebook pages.

On Fakebook, we would not have to Friend our parents, bosses, or the Texas Tornado. Fakebook would be a place where we could truly say what's on our minds without worrying about someone minding. We could be fans of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus without judgment. (Note: Example is for illustrative purposes only and does not reflect the musical taste or opinions of Scissor Girl.) My niece could post her underage drinking photos without me having to witness the train wreck that is her life. It would be total greatness for us to be ourselves under the guise of a Fakebook.

But Facebook is here to stay. So keep your face on -- especially in Cube City, where the illusion of truth is preferred and encouraged.

Cube Q&A: NoDoz on Wheat, Hold the Cheese

Q: Is it okay for my Cube City deli to sell NoDoz when they supposedly specialize in sandwiches?

A: Dear cube dweller, wake up and smell the salami! You need to understand that there are many cube dwellers out there who lack brain activity. Having a brain stimulant on hand, such as NoDoz, might help save projects and jobs that would otherwise be put to sleep.

Toodle-loo

Yesterday in Cube City, I was listening to a few nearby cube dwellers chatting excitedly about the weather and an approaching cold front. I decided to visit a local news site to read more on the subject. Once I got there, I was instantly distracted by a hilarious banner ad for Sprint. The first line of copy read, "Toodle-loo, T-Mobile." I found myself wanting to click on that banner ad, even though I'm perfectly happy with my mobile phone service...or perhaps too lazy to make a switch.

I found myself wishing I could write fun copy like that, but no. Instead, I write about side effects of a drug, focus on one product instead of slamming another, and make sure that I don't promise results, satisfaction, or success of any kind. What am I gonna do, write, "Toodle-loo to your fetus if you're pregnant or decide to become pregnant while taking this drug?" No freakin' way!

So I guess I'll live vicariously through the writers who can get away with using silly phrases and just say toodle-loo to that perk in my own line of work.

Crumby People

Last Friday in Cube City, I attended a meeting in a conference room after a bunch of pigs had apparently slopped around in there. I was trying to concentrate on the meeting topic but found myself immersed in my disgust of the various cooties left behind on the conference room table, including but not limited to:

• Salt and/or sugar granules
• Bread crumbs from bagels, cookies, cakes, and Lord knows what else
• Greasy finger smears

I couldn't even place my laptop on the table without considerable grief. I even tried to wipe a section of the table clean with some left-behind napkins so that I could become one with the table, but salt and sugar granules are like white on rice. Good luck getting rid of them.

Why are people so crumby?

Cube Q&A: Qualified Leads

Q: I just saw a question scribbled on the Cube City whiteboard that read, "What is a qualified lead?" Should I be worried?

A: Chances are, nobody is qualified enough to know what a qualified lead is. As a general rule, you should always be worried in Cube City.

No ShihT

I love dogs. I still love the Shih Tzu in Cube City. But lately, her barking has become a bit excessive and annoying. I don't know how her owner lives with that behavior. I used to find it cute, and that's what is wrong with cuteness of any kind. It wears off. The good news is that I no longer want to put the little ShihT in my pocket and take her home.

I'll give the owner credit. I don't think she believes that the barking is cute. She wants to know what to do to solve the problem. But little ShihTs like her puppy are tough to train. They have strong personalities and tiny bladders -- a deadly combination when you're trying to discipline them.

I won't say anything to anyone about the barking because, really, I can live with it and am just being cranky today. I just don't want to see our dogs-at-work privilege taken away. It's hard to know when to say something to preserve a privilege vs. keep quiet so as not to make any Shiht hit the fan. If I could just get ShihT-faced right now, everything would be better.

Smart Water

I don't like drinking from the water cooler in Cube City. I have severe problems getting past the cooty factor. I used to work with a guy who would jam the nozzle of his germy used water bottle up into the spout of the water cooler while refilling it. This routine procedure was routinely horrifying to watch. The water, which came through a filtering system that probably never received clean filters, just tasted weird -- a sure-fire sign that it was tainted in some way.

These days, I tend to bring my own drinks to Cube City. It's just an easier way of life for a germaphobe like me.

Today, I am drinking Smart Water. I'll let you know if it ever kicks in.

Lightening Up

Work has recently picked up in Cube City. But when my workload was light, I started putting my energy into other things, like climbing the stairs from the parking garage to my desk instead of taking the elevator. Every morning, I would walk past my main project manager's desk near the stairwell, and he'd hear me huffing and puffing. No matter how many times I took those blasted stairs, I was always out of breath. Ugh.

One day, as I huffed and puffed up the stairs and passed by his office, he said, "Hey! Taking the stairs has worked. You're lighter!" Then he started cackling hysterically because, well, I guess he thought he was being funny. Unfortunately, I think he was talking about my workload rather than the physical benefits of taking the stairs. I didn't find his remark funny. I guess I have more lightening up to do.

Dodgeboss

There's an old game in Cube City with a new name: Dodgeboss. No, you don't get to hurl bosses through the air in hopes of knocking your fellow cube dwellers down (though that is a spectacular concept, indeed).

No, it's about avoiding your boss at all costs. Dodge the boss. I don't make a habit of dodging my boss, but I get a weird feeling when I see my boss coming into, or going out of, Cube City. I've had a number of bosses who care way too much about where you are and what you're doing every moment of every day. I guess I've accumulated baggage from most, if not all, of my other Cube Cities.

I saw my boss in the parking garage the other day. I was leaving when all was fair game, as office hours were officially over. However, my instincts took over and I started playing Dodgeboss. I exited one door while my boss entered another. I found myself wondering if she'd turn around and see me on my way to having a life. So I ducked behind a cement pillar and then walked behind a tall line of trucks, peeking between cars to assess my boss's whereabouts. Once she entered the door and it closed behind her, I slunk over to my car and got in. I was safe. I had won a game of Dodgeboss.

It's crazy, the games we play in Cube City. I'm just glad I was able to get the hell out of dodge that day.

My Sanity Seminar, Part 2

I'm off to a follow-up sanity seminar tomorrow, my dear cube dwellers. It seems I just didn't grasp the materials the first time around. Therefore, I must take a day off from Cube City to see if I can get it right this time. I'll report back to you on Timesheet Monday.

Delaying the Outlook

I find that Outlook calendar reminders are sometimes helpful but often a nuisance in Cube City. As I delve deeper and deeper into my old lady years, I have to remind myself of everything from cube dweller birthdays to the smallest of tasks -- like verifying that the information on a spreadsheet is correct.

Lately, I've been snoozing calendar reminders for tasks that seem less urgent in my world. I'll snooze them for up to two weeks, which is the maximum snooze time allowed by Outlook.

If I'm not going to take a moment to verify information on a spreadsheet this week, chances are I shouldn't keep reminding myself to do it at all. It gets to the point where I snooze my reminders for so long that seeing them pop up every two weeks for a year gets really annoying. Of course, by the time a year goes by, the information I need to verify on the spreadsheet has probably changed. The outlook for completion of snoozed tasks is not looking good.

A Golden Meltdown

The other day, a guy in Cube City came to me and said, "I want to get off this brand. I'm tired of working with certain people on the team, and I'm going to throw myself into my other work."

I sat there in an early-morning daze as my fellow cube dweller ranted. I thought about happy things, like caffeine, new car smell, and puppies.

My cube dweller continued ranting. He said, "I wish I could work with Golden Boy. I've heard great things about Golden Boy." (Note: Golden Boy's name has been changed to preserve his glorified reputation.) My cube dweller proceeded to tell me that he'd never get to work with Golden Boy and stated all the reasons why their career paths would never cross.

I let my ranting cube dweller believe that Golden Boy was all that. I wasn't going to tell him that I had scientific proof of Golden Boy's psychotic tendencies. My only interaction with Golden Boy was when he had a meltdown about not meeting an unrealistic deadline. I remember Golden Boy throwing a fit about not having enough people to get the work done and wailing, with clenched fists waving in the air, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!"

Whenever I cross paths with Golden Boy in the hallowed halls of Cube City, it is his meltdown that I remember. I hear him crying, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!" The memories I have of this boy are certainly golden.

Surviving the Drought

Have we really made it to Labor Day weekend? It's been a long haul in Cube City. I'm always amazed at the company-paid holiday drought. If you can survive from Independence Day to Labor Day, and then from Labor Day to Thanksgiving, you're golden. Trying to survive from New Year's to Memorial Day is the absolute worst.

The thing is, most company-paid holidays are just one day out of a week, so I'm not sure why we look forward to them so much. I'm grateful for them, don't get me wrong, but I think we build them up to be more in our minds than they really are.

In any case, the drought is over. Happy Labor Day weekend.

An Important Matter of Unimportance

I recently received a scare in my Cube City inbox. As we all know, I'm not important here, so anything that could indicate otherwise is cause for alarm.

I received an invitation from the CEO of my current Cube City for a really big client meeting. Well, okay, so the invitation was from his assistant, but it was his name that appeared on the invitation in my inbox.

I had immediate flashbacks to the days when I was the CEO's bitch in another Cube City. No way will I go through that again -- not without kicking and screaming first, anyway.

I made the long walk to my boss's office, knocked on her door, and asked if there was anything she'd like to tell me about a really big client meeting with the CEO. Sure enough, the invitation was meant for someone else, and I was reassured that I'm not important here.

Please Pitch My Photos

Last week in Cube City, I had to go to our in-house photo studio (I use the term "photo studio" loosely here). The devil made me do it. I was told that our business development team needed photos of a few cube dwellers for some pitch work, and I was one of those dwellers.

When I showed up at the photo studio, I stepped onto this white platform with a white background and instantly knew that I was doomed. You don't put a pasty white girl up against a white background if you have any knowledge of photography at all. But whatever. The photographer (I use the term "photographer" loosely here) had me turning my feet, body, head, and/or eyes in various directions, and I just felt stupid and awkward the whole damned time. I was really glad when the photographer told me that we were done and I could leave. My jaw hurt from fake smiling, and my ears hurt from listening to her say fake things like, "Great!" and "Perfect!"

Later that day, the photographer sent me a file path to my digital photos. I was supposed to pick 3 to 5 of the best photos (I use the term "best photos" loosely here) from the bunch.

OMG. There must have been at least 30 horrible, fuzzy, weird-ass photos of my pasty white head turned in a bunch of horrible, fuzzy, weird-ass directions against that blasted pasty white background. I forced myself to pick 4 photos for the photographer to use, despite hating all of them, because I didn't want somebody else picking the best of the worst to use at their own discretion (I use the term "discretion" loosely here).

I really hope nobody ends up using these photos if they actually expect us to win this business pitch. Instead, I think they should pitch the photos in the trash and let our work paint the picture.

Just Another Donut Monday?

Yesterday morning, closer to the lunch hour than breakfast, I received a company-wide email with the subject line of, "It's Just Another Donut Monday." My Cube City was offering donuts to all cube dwellers to help jump-start our Monday.

The only problem I had was with the email's subject line, which implied that this is a regular Monday thing. It's not. In fact, I believe this is the only time we've ever received an email about free donuts, whether on a Monday or otherwise.

The whole thing made me wish it was just another cinnamon roll Sunday.

Don't Be a Fly Baby

Though the nice, friendly, multi-tasking security guard has returned to Cube City, his rude substitute still provides intermittent coverage.

Blast it all.

I don't even make eye contact with the rude dude anymore. But late last week, when I was so not in the mood to take anybody's shit or look down when I wanted to look up, I stared back at the rude dude while in passing and said, "Have a lice day." I chuckled inside of myself. He probably didn't hear or understand me, though I tried to make myself loud and clear. I don't care. It just felt good to wish him a bunch of fly babies and be on my merry way.

Let's face it, cube dwellers: Sometimes, the only joy we have is in making subtle insults to mean people who suck. What's your favorite subtle insult?

Zero Side Effects

I used to work with a woman in a very well-established Cube City where water-cooler talk was to be kept on the down low. Don't be too friendly. Don't get to know your co-workers. Don't fraternize with them or gain insights about their souls or anything. Try to be as miserable as possible all day long with as little human interaction as possible, and try not to leave your cubicle for more than a potty break every four hours.

But Marilyn was a rule breaker, and I liked her. She would drop by to say hello and shoot the breeze. She didn't look fearfully over her shoulder either, like she was about to be busted for drugs or a flask in her purse or anything. She was Marilyn, and she did her own thing.

One day, Marilyn and I talked about how boring that Cube City was, and how we needed to get the hell out of there before our souls were forever crushed beneath the oppressive rubble of an established company with too many rules. We talked and talked and talked.

Then I took a swig of my Coke Zero, and Marilyn was crushed.

"Girl, " she said, "that stuff will kill you."

I explained that I'm a Coke addict, and that I'd drink the Real Thing all day long if I could still fit into my pants by the end of the day. We've both tried diet sodas with the complete inability to acquire a taste for them. So when Coke Zero came along and didn't taste quite as obviously repulsive as most diet sodas, it almost seemed like a compromise that we could both handle. But then Marilyn then told me of all the side effects she'd had from drinking Coke Zero:

• Heart palpitations/racing sensations
• Massive, stabbing headaches -- mostly in the left temple area
• Diarrhea (TMI, Marilyn. T-M-I.)

Marilyn urged me to stop drinking Coke Zero and to just buy bigger pants because the Real Thing was probably better for me in the long run than the Zero.

I appreciated Marilyn's insights but didn't feel like I was having a problem with Coke Zero, so I just kept drinking the poison.

About five weeks later, I started experiencing Zero side effects. All of them. It was creepy. So I took myself off Coke Zero, and it was hell on Earth for a very long time. I eventually started drinking the Real Thing again, and I occasionally have a Coke Zero when I'm craving a second real one in my work day. I've found that Coke Zero, in moderation rather than daily consumption, can be enjoyed without such bothersome side effects...but it's pretty scary what you learn when you mingle with the other cube dwellers.

What I should really do is save my water-cooler talk for that very purpose: the healthier consumption of H20.

Thanks for Nothing

This has been the longest week in Cube City. I know only two speeds in my current workplace: 90 or nothing. The speed this week has been a whole lot of nothing. It's nice to have a break now and then, despite the sinking feeling that you've run out of things to Google.

But when somebody finally asks me for something at 4:00 PM, after I've been fighting sleep all day with nothing to do, I feel a bit bothered. Please either slam me with work or don't bother.

Second Helpings

There are times when I'm in my own little world in Cube City. We all are. Recently, a project manager asked me why I sent her two copies of some website content: one copy that showed all the edits I made in yellow highlights and one that didn't.

I told her I didn't know how the client wanted to see the content and that I was used to providing both clean and marked-up versions for another client. She said, "You mean, you have a client who always wants to see both versions?"

I thought that was a good question. Why does someone want to see both? Wouldn't you want to either look at something marked up, to make sure I took your edits into consideration, or just start reviewing a clean document with no markups to influence you? Surely you don't finish one version and say, "Please, project manager, may I have some more?"

My response to the project manager was simple and logical: "Well, yes. I guess the writing is just THAT GOOD."

The Day the Music Died

Sigh. It's always depressing to drive into the parking garage of Cube City. Once I do that, my satellite radio goes dead. Bye-bye. There is music no more. This sets the tone of my work day. Such is the slice of my corporate American pie.

Site Paunch

Last week, a woman in Cube City sent me a hilarious misspelling via email. She wrote, "This won't be a factor because the site paunch is a month later."

Site paunch?

I know she meant launch instead of paunch, but it was one of the few entertaining moments of my day -- mostly because paunch made sense in that particular case. How often does that happen?

Cube Q&A: Firing People

Q: What options should I look into if my boss won't let me fire someone who reports to me in Cube City?

A: It sounds like nobody reports to you, dear cube dweller. Get over yourself. Maybe you should fire yourself by taking a different career path. That way, you won't have to manage the person you want to fire anymore. You also won't have to care that you are too much of a loser to be allowed to fire your own direct report.

Holy Carp!

There's been a lot of turmoil in Cube City lately. Layoffs are picking people off quietly from one week to the next, creating some fear, uncertainty, and the reminder that nothing is forever.

Meanwhile, the Texas Tornado has been whirling around on Facebook, stirring up dirt and then stalling out. Between her weekend fishing photos and intentionally vague status updates, she's kept her local viewers on storm watch, to say the least. The Tornado finally released the pressure she's been building the past few days to let her viewers know that she's accepted a job elsewhere.

Holy Carp! The Texas Tornado has jumped off the boat! I didn't see that one coming -- at least, not in that way.

I wonder what her next Cube City experience will be like. Will her new boss put up with her shit? Will she be able to keep the crazy at bay and build a reputable career for herself, or will her employer realize they've caught a bad fish and throw her back into the sea? Perhaps Facebook will be the place that provides us with updated weather alerts from her end of the world. I think I'll stay tuned and be ready to take cover if necessary.

Oh, Shih-Tzu.

There's been a whole bunch of crap floating around in Cube City, it's true. But there's also been a new addition to the office: a Shih Tzu puppy.

Holy shih-tzu! She is so freakin' cute, it's ridiculous! She's 9 weeks old, very busy, and very bad. I just want to put her in my pocket (because she would fit) and take her home.

When things are crazy in Cube City and all the joy has been sucked out of my life, I hear the Shih Tzu's feisty little bark, which sounds like someone with a sore throat saying, "Arc," and I have to smile. It beats the crap out of feeling grumpy.

Oh, Crap.

I wonder what my tattling has done to the borrowed copywriter who turned in crap work last week? I don't have much time to wonder about such things in Cube City, but I noticed on Facebook that this copywriter acted out in a status update -- something about being reprimanded for crap work. (Let's try to stomach the fact that this writer, who gets paid a college education salary for supposed fluency in English studies, misspelled "reprimanded.")

In Cube City, you have to know that whatever you say about someone will probably be handled by their manager with, "Well, Scissor Girl whined about this, so let's just humor her now and slash her tires later. I'll bring the knife." Everybody wants to be a buddy and nobody wants to be the villain, which is why nobody ever speaks up and there's a bunch of crap work floating around.

In the end, you cannot depend on people to do what's right. It's all just a load of crap.

My Sanity Seminar

Bye for a few days, my dear cube dwellers. I'm taking tomorrow and Monday off to learn what it's like to be sane. I've heard you can only do this by attending a sanity seminar. I've also heard that you can't take sanity seminars in Cube City. They are only available at offsite, undisclosed locations. I look forward to learning the basics about sanity in my time away, but I'm sure I will need some follow-up instruction.

It's a Mad World

Have you seen Mad Men? It's a dead-on summary of my life in Cube City, except for the time period. I heard about the show early on but never got around to tuning in. Recently, I decided to buy the first two seasons on DVD and just power through them before the new season begins this Sunday.

OMG.

I'm halfway through season two, and I have to say that I'm not sure if I should feel entertained or suicidal. Ad agency life is not for the weak at heart, but it certainly contributes to heart problems. The people who brought this show to life know what they're talking about...and I feel like they lived inside my mind at Cube City when they wrote the script. For instance, at Sterling Cooper Advertising, you can't:

• Fire someone who deserves it, even when you're their boss
• Get a promotion, or even a reasonable bump in pay, when you know you deserve it
• Expect your leaders to listen to reason, especially when you're talking business and how best to handle clients and conflicts of interest

It's a mad world out there, and it's no wonder that we're all completely entertained and suicidal. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Waking Up to the Quiet

I've had no sleepy surprises this week in Cube City, and it's been a superb awakening. The cube dweller who sends volumes of emails in the middle of the night is on vacation this week. The client who turns this cube dweller into midnight madness is also on vacation. So here I am, maximizing my PTO, enjoying my own vacation from them both. I have plenty to do, but I actually have the time to do it. It's amazing how one cube dweller and/or client can disrupt your work day and turn you into cranky pants. This week, I'm going to enjoy putting my work to bed and waking up to the quiet.

Hello?

There's a new security guard in Cube City, and he isn't very nice. In fact, he's downright rude. He has a staring problem. When I pass him on my way to the building's deli, he stares at me...so I say hello. And what does he say? Nothing. Is it that hard to return a greeting -- a greeting I felt obligated to initiate because he was staring at me? He's done this for a whole week. I hope he's just filling in for the friendly multi-tasking security/maintenance guy, or I might have to eventually punch his lights out.

Tattle-Tale

I had to tattle on someone in Cube City yesterday. It wasn't one of my own, but it was a copywriter from another office that was helping us out. Said copywriter turned in some absolute crap work, so I was the lucky one who had to (a) tattle to this person's boss, and (b) turn the crap work into something that looked and smelled a little better.

It's scary when you know there are people in Cube City who have no idea what they're doing. Is it because they aren't trained? Is it because they're stupid? Is it because they're too stupid to be trained?

I've had to tattle on this copywriter before, and it doesn't feel good. When I start to tattle, I have visions of a lisping, pig-tailed Cindy Brady dancing through my head. It's hard when you have to report poor work performance. It's hard to know when it's best to let it slide vs. crucial to keeping the customer happy. But really, I don't care all that much because, even though I'm cleaning up the crap, at least I don't have to figure out what to do with this copywriter. That's not much, but it's all I've got. Don't tell anyone I said so, though.

Please Don't Make Me Go to Staffing

What is the purpose of a staffing meeting? I realize this is a loaded question.

We have new rules for our staffing meetings in Cube City, but people aren't following them. If you don't request the right people for your brand work by the time we start the weekly meeting, you supposedly won't get anyone to work on your projects.

Uh, yeah. Tell that to people who talk to our clients, who have no idea how much work we sweat out of our pores for someone other than them.

People don't follow rules. They make up rules as they go along. So I sit in this boring meeting and make suggestions that people won't follow because they think the rules don't apply to them.

BASTARDS!

The rest of my week involves haggling with staffing coordinators and trying to help them clean up staffing shortages. Who's got any free time? How much? How soon can they start something they aren't expecting? Are they the best fit for this project? Who's better, and does that person have any time? If so, how much and how soon can they start?

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! I don't want to deal with this garbage. I just want to do my work...assuming I'm staffed appropriately for it, anyway.

My Mulleted Friend

I've got this Friend in Cube City that I don't know very well. We really don't work together very much at all. I don't know what to make of him. He seems very professional on the outside. But on the inside, the man is insane. Let's take a look inside his Facebook, shall we?

Most of my Friend's posts on Facebook are about business insights. But every now and then, he either hits the vodka or forgets where he is (or perhaps both) and posts all sorts of freakshow entries. In the past week, he's posted several angry-emotional-reflective musings on his impending divorce. He's done the same with other highly personal information, like the pain his father is enduring with a terminal illness. He's even gone so far as to post photos of his father totally jacked up on pain meds and lying unaware in a lonely, sterile, white hospital bed.

WHOA. NELLY. When things like this happen and I need to make sense of them, I usually think of mullets. It's like business in the front, raging frizzy lunatic in the back. I cannot imagine what my Friend is going through. He's got stress, to say the least, but his posts make my hair stand on end.

It's a...Food!

I know several pregnant cube dwellers in my Cube City right now. What they all have in common is their ferocious appetites. Lately, they've been passing by my desk, or I've been visiting them, and they've had food with them -- good food, like cookies, crackers, and candy. And they're so nice about sharing it. If I were eating for two, I'm not sure I'd be so charitable.

So this is a shout out to my pregnant cube dwellers and their willingness to bear food!

Grace

Pardon my ignorance, cube dwellers. I'm just gonna put it out there today.

I come from a small town. I was sheltered beyond your comprehension during my formative years. So there will always be a part of me that is shocked, at least initially, by things that aren't as plain and simple as Wonder Bread.

There is a person in Cube City that I often see walking to and from our building's deli. I've always thought of her as incredibly tall and slim, with the type of physique so many girls would love to have. I've also thought of her as having a somewhat strange, almost lumbering, gait. The girl ain't graceful, but I'm not either. I guess it's just more noticeable when you're incredibly tall and slim.

Today, I came face to face with her for the first time. Well, okay, she's incredibly tall, so I had to crane my neck, but I had problems masking my surprise when I realized that she is transgendered. I wasn't expecting that, and I'm embarrassed by my ignorance. As I observed her, I was curious to know if she's had full or partial surgery, if she's taking a lot of hormones, and how she handles the pressures of Cube City on top of it all. My guess is that she handles it all a lot more gracefully than she walks. I don't envy her tough walk through this life, but I can tell you this: I'd kill for her hips.

Pass-Fail

I have to wonder why we do performance reviews in Cube City. What do they really accomplish?

Last weekend, I was telling a friend about how I'd busted my tail to prepare reviews for my boss to approve by a specified date, only to have them sit in a queue. My friend asked about the measures we use for reviews, and I told her we basically have an overcomplicated Likert scale by which to judge our employees:

• 1 = you are so gone in the next round of layoffs, if not sooner
• 2 = you suck almost as bad as a 1, but at least you're a warm body if we need you
• 3 = you are doing what's expected of someone in your position, even though our expectations are ambiguous
• 4 = rarely seen on a review, to be used sparingly for people who are too good to be in their current position
• 5 = unachievable but dangling there like an elusive carrot

My friend said that they receive grades in her Cube City and, much like our 5, an A is unattainable. Everybody doing a kick-ass job will be labeled a B and should be very happy with their above-average grade.

Back in the day, when I taught freshman English at a university (THAT was fun), I was told by my boss that I could give out an A to a maximum of 2 of my 23 students but would probably have to defend those As like a dissertation. It was a horrible evaluation system, and I hated giving Bs to people who did the work of A students.

It's much that way everywhere, I guess. All I can do is fight for what's right and let the politics be damned. I give a 4 or 5 when I feel it is warranted, but I get really tired of being evaluated for my evaluation scores. The numbers don't even mean anything to anyone at the end of the day. They're just numbers. You're either good at your job or you're not. Let's not complicate things. I think we should give credit where credit is due and consider a pass-fail system.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's raining buckets outside right now. It might even be raining men, or cube dwellers, or cube dwellers who are men. I've been awake for a few hours with scared pets breathing in my face. There's no local news this morning that covers a topic other than the play-by-play of the weather, which shows how serious today's storm is -- to the media, at least. All I know is that it is storming like crazy on a work day, and the flood of questions begins: Should I stay or should I go?

I really need to travel to Cube City today, so of course the road conditions are going to be treacherous. I have to wonder how many people struggle with the decision to go to Cube City when the weather is sketchy. How do they go about making their decision? What drives them? I know it's not worth it to risk my life for Cube City, and yet so many people seem to make the trip to the office without a problem and keep the complaints to themselves.

I guess I'll try to make the trip, but I wish I didn't have to journey through making the right decision.

Stand By Your Brand

Yesterday, I took a stand in Cube City. I said I was unable to work on a brand that never ends because I had to move on. I had another big brand to tackle, and I needed to focus.

How silly of me to think that I would win the stand against a never-ending brand.

All day, team members kept saying, "I know you're concentrating on another brand today, but..."

And then they proceeded to bombard me with emails, questions, and requests about the never-ending brand against which I took a freakin' stand.

I don't know why I have no willpower. Whether I'm in Candyland or Brandyland, I cannot seem to take a stand. I'm a sucker for every little request that picks away at my time, concentration, and will to live. I just go ahead and do what's asked of me. I get behind on my other work. I become cranky. I work nights and weekends. I see my intelligence seeping away with every little thing I agree to do after saying I'm not going to do it.

I even watch other cube dwellers take a stand, and I try to learn from them. One cube dweller who's right here in the same Brandyland situation with me is particularly skilled at disappearing when he's swamped with other work. He just lets the email threads build and go unanswered until every team member's head is spinning and we all forget whatever the hell we were talking about.

I guess I'm just not like him, so I must be punished greatly. I can't stand it. I have to reply to emails. I have to answer questions. I have to comply with requests. I have to stand by my brand.

31-30-29-28...

I've struggled to keep track of my calendar dates the past few weeks. I don't know if it's the weather or just Cube City that's sucking the life out of me, but I really have to think before I know the date. It's like learning the numerical combination to a lock. This week, I am counting back from 7/31, which is pay day. I am not too proud to cling to whatever works, and pay day is my winning combination this week.

Take the Time

Why do people in Cube City give you so many details when they need to work from home or request time off? 

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's unnecessary to explain why you need some time away. I don't need to know that little Johnny is afraid of the dentist and needs two parents to hold him down. I don't need to know that your uncle's flight is late, or your water heater is making a strange ticking sound you've never heard before, or you need to get your iPhone fixed and can only do so during a scheduled appointment you've had to wait three days to get because Apple is the devil and the system is more broken than the phone. It's none of my business.

Maybe it makes some people feel better to explain themselves. Maybe it means that they are conscientious. I don't know, but I wish I could find a way to tell people that it's okay to take time away without detailed explanation. There's a reason it's called personal time. 

Send Me an Angel

Yesterday, I had a surreal experience in Cube City. I was catching up with one of my direct reports in an all-glass conference room. Someone appeared at the door and waved at us. He seemed interested in crashing our meeting, yet he was very polite about it. We let him in, and he asked, "May I have a moment of your time?"

I wasn't sure which one of us he was speaking to, and it turned out that he wanted to speak to both of us. He turned to my direct report and repented about something that had been on his mind for quite some time. He said, "I want you to know that, about a year ago, I misjudged you...and I've felt bad about it ever since."

He proceeded with his apology in a very direct and refreshing manner. It takes a big man to admit he's wrong or clear the air long after the dust has settled. I was glad that he took the opportunity to face his demons and resurface as an angel. It was as close to a religious experience as I'd ever want to get in Cube City.

Out to Lunch

A rare thing happened in my Cube City world yesterday: I actually had the time to meet my significant stapler for lunch. We went to one of our favorite places near my cubicle and, due to uncharacteristically gorgeous weather, were able to sit outside on the "patio" (which was really the sidewalk due to the lack of real estate at this quaint eating establishment).

While sitting there, we had Small Town Syndrome: We saw someone we know. You see, my significant stapler used to work in my Cube City until layoffs eliminated the need for a stapler. The person we saw no longer works at my Cube City either, due to her position being similarly eliminated. Said person and my significant stapler briefly caught up on each other's new careers on the sidewalk, and then said person went inside for lunch.

The memories of layoffs are icky, and seeing people you know can really bring those memories back in a flash. I wonder if the person we ran into felt the same icky way, or if I'm just out to lunch in my thinking.

le Detour de July

Those who know the real Scissor Girl know that I'm really into cycling -- both riding bicycles and watching races like le Tour de France.

July is like a three-week holiday for me -- well, except that I have to work in Cube City. But I usually watch le Tour during these three weeks via live newsflash coverage on a US website. Reading the newsflashes every couple of minutes (or at the very least, during the last few minutes of each race stage) is very exciting -- more exciting than watching the coverage on television. I just refresh my browser every few minutes and get a new surprise. I dream of being the journalist who gets to write these newsflashes, but I've got my own race to pedal here in Cube City.

I can't tell you how many years I've been reading live le Tour newsflashes in Cube City, but there's just nothing like this race. Rumor has it that Lance Armstrong is going to announce a new team tomorrow that will be built around him in 2010 (not his current teammate who has proven to be the stronger cyclist of the two). It's news that will keep life interesting for those of us stuck in cubicles during next year's race.

What helps you get through July in Cube City?

The Color Purple

I've been in a rage about the color purple lately. Whether I'm shopping for cycling clothes or civvies, I'm really attracted to purple clothing. It's just how I roll right now. All the cute stuff I've seen in my size is purple. What's a girl to do?

This wouldn't be a problem if the primary brand color at my current Cube City wasn't -- you guessed it -- purple. So now I feel like a brown noser when I trot into my cubicle wearing something purple. It's like saying, "Hi, look at me in my team player colors! Goooo, TEAM!"

I feel like I can't even enjoy shopping without Cube City getting in the way, and that's just wrong.

Dream of a Cube Mate

It's just about that time again: team member birthdays in Cube City. Time to go to lunch with my quiet copywriters and have awkward conversations, uncomfortable silences, and painful reminders of our generation gap.

But today kicks off the most special birthday of them all: My new cube mate is one year old today!

Happy Birthday to a dream of a cube mate.

The Fling and Bling

I'm trying to decide how best to hold on to my pricey new ID badge in Cube City. The last one fell out of its plastic sleeve, which is no big surprise since I kept taping the sleeve up whenever the plastic tore apart. I wouldn't recommend scotch tape as an effective adhesive. That's your tip of the week about the most useless office supply in the world.

I've been keeping the new ID badge in my pocket during the day and so far have remembered to transfer it to my computer bag at night...because my pockets vary from day to day, but my computer bag stays the same. (There's a marketing slogan in here somewhere, but I'm too tired to find it.)

I used to work with a woman in Cube City who kept her ID badge in her purse. We'd return from lunch, at which time she'd just fling her purse up against the security device and *BLING!* We were in. If you have any tips about where to stash my badge so that I can fling and bling like her, send 'em along. I like being part of the "in" crowd.

Candyland

I wish I didn't know about the candy jars in Cube City. But since I have a serious sweet tooth, I seem to sniff them out pretty easily.

What is it that makes people bring candy to the office? Do these people actually want visitors? Are they trying to sweeten up to their visitors for favors? I never see them eating any of the candy at their desks, which floors me. How can you ignore a huge bowl of chocolate on your desk? Oh, and I love it when they look at me, shrug, and say, "I just don't crave chocolate," or "I have chocolate at home that's probably four months old. I just never think about it because I never want it."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

I'm trying to trim a few candy bars off my waistline right now and have been doing pretty well since Saturday. I even tested my willpower by bringing some of my favorite candy (yes, I am stupid) to work so that I could replenish the candy jar I most often frequent. I don't know what sweet-toothless cube dwellers get out of bringing candy to work, but I intend to get to the bottom of this mystery -- hopefully before I get to the bottom of the replenished candy jar.

You Can Leave Your Coat On

In Ice Cube City, it's always interesting to see the collection of coats that female cube dwellers stash in their office spaces when it's 105 degrees outside. I always have a sweater or coat on hand during the summer because it's always cold in Cube City.

I wonder why we can't seem to get it right and save some money and energy in Cube City. We can have layoffs or nickel-and-dime you for lost ID badges, but we can't turn the air conditioning up a few notches so that people can take their coats home in the summer? Srsly?

I realize that no matter how much I harp on this topic, things will never change. Cube City is incapable of saving money, much less the planet. Sorry, dear cube dweller, but so far as I can tell, you can leave your coat on.

Rumors Rising

I was minding my own business in Cube City when the topic of the rising star fell upon me once again.

This time, I was catching up with a fellow cube dweller about her projects. She brought it up, and the conversation went something like this:

Fellow Cube Dweller: So I heard that we're not filling the rising star's position, after all. Have you heard that?

Scissor Girl: No, I haven't. But I haven't had the opportunity to catch up with my manager lately.

Fellow Cube Dweller: Well, I also heard that we're not doing so well and are probably going to have layoffs. Have you heard anything about that?

Scissor Girl: I hadn't heard that either, but you know the state of the economy. It would not be a surprise. Not that it's any of my business, but who is spreading these rumors?

The name that my fellow cube dweller supplied just so happened to be the name of the person linked to the rising star's fall. Someone I know used to work with this person and stated that wherever said person went, drama historically followed. I didn't share this information with my fellow cube dweller, though, because it's obvious that the rumors are spreading just fine without my help. If any of this is true, it only makes me more intrigued to find out why the rising star has fallen and how said person spreading rumors seems to be so connected to the gossip chain.