Don't Be a Fly Baby

Though the nice, friendly, multi-tasking security guard has returned to Cube City, his rude substitute still provides intermittent coverage.

Blast it all.

I don't even make eye contact with the rude dude anymore. But late last week, when I was so not in the mood to take anybody's shit or look down when I wanted to look up, I stared back at the rude dude while in passing and said, "Have a lice day." I chuckled inside of myself. He probably didn't hear or understand me, though I tried to make myself loud and clear. I don't care. It just felt good to wish him a bunch of fly babies and be on my merry way.

Let's face it, cube dwellers: Sometimes, the only joy we have is in making subtle insults to mean people who suck. What's your favorite subtle insult?

Zero Side Effects

I used to work with a woman in a very well-established Cube City where water-cooler talk was to be kept on the down low. Don't be too friendly. Don't get to know your co-workers. Don't fraternize with them or gain insights about their souls or anything. Try to be as miserable as possible all day long with as little human interaction as possible, and try not to leave your cubicle for more than a potty break every four hours.

But Marilyn was a rule breaker, and I liked her. She would drop by to say hello and shoot the breeze. She didn't look fearfully over her shoulder either, like she was about to be busted for drugs or a flask in her purse or anything. She was Marilyn, and she did her own thing.

One day, Marilyn and I talked about how boring that Cube City was, and how we needed to get the hell out of there before our souls were forever crushed beneath the oppressive rubble of an established company with too many rules. We talked and talked and talked.

Then I took a swig of my Coke Zero, and Marilyn was crushed.

"Girl, " she said, "that stuff will kill you."

I explained that I'm a Coke addict, and that I'd drink the Real Thing all day long if I could still fit into my pants by the end of the day. We've both tried diet sodas with the complete inability to acquire a taste for them. So when Coke Zero came along and didn't taste quite as obviously repulsive as most diet sodas, it almost seemed like a compromise that we could both handle. But then Marilyn then told me of all the side effects she'd had from drinking Coke Zero:

• Heart palpitations/racing sensations
• Massive, stabbing headaches -- mostly in the left temple area
• Diarrhea (TMI, Marilyn. T-M-I.)

Marilyn urged me to stop drinking Coke Zero and to just buy bigger pants because the Real Thing was probably better for me in the long run than the Zero.

I appreciated Marilyn's insights but didn't feel like I was having a problem with Coke Zero, so I just kept drinking the poison.

About five weeks later, I started experiencing Zero side effects. All of them. It was creepy. So I took myself off Coke Zero, and it was hell on Earth for a very long time. I eventually started drinking the Real Thing again, and I occasionally have a Coke Zero when I'm craving a second real one in my work day. I've found that Coke Zero, in moderation rather than daily consumption, can be enjoyed without such bothersome side effects...but it's pretty scary what you learn when you mingle with the other cube dwellers.

What I should really do is save my water-cooler talk for that very purpose: the healthier consumption of H20.

Thanks for Nothing

This has been the longest week in Cube City. I know only two speeds in my current workplace: 90 or nothing. The speed this week has been a whole lot of nothing. It's nice to have a break now and then, despite the sinking feeling that you've run out of things to Google.

But when somebody finally asks me for something at 4:00 PM, after I've been fighting sleep all day with nothing to do, I feel a bit bothered. Please either slam me with work or don't bother.

Second Helpings

There are times when I'm in my own little world in Cube City. We all are. Recently, a project manager asked me why I sent her two copies of some website content: one copy that showed all the edits I made in yellow highlights and one that didn't.

I told her I didn't know how the client wanted to see the content and that I was used to providing both clean and marked-up versions for another client. She said, "You mean, you have a client who always wants to see both versions?"

I thought that was a good question. Why does someone want to see both? Wouldn't you want to either look at something marked up, to make sure I took your edits into consideration, or just start reviewing a clean document with no markups to influence you? Surely you don't finish one version and say, "Please, project manager, may I have some more?"

My response to the project manager was simple and logical: "Well, yes. I guess the writing is just THAT GOOD."

The Day the Music Died

Sigh. It's always depressing to drive into the parking garage of Cube City. Once I do that, my satellite radio goes dead. Bye-bye. There is music no more. This sets the tone of my work day. Such is the slice of my corporate American pie.

Site Paunch

Last week, a woman in Cube City sent me a hilarious misspelling via email. She wrote, "This won't be a factor because the site paunch is a month later."

Site paunch?

I know she meant launch instead of paunch, but it was one of the few entertaining moments of my day -- mostly because paunch made sense in that particular case. How often does that happen?

Cube Q&A: Firing People

Q: What options should I look into if my boss won't let me fire someone who reports to me in Cube City?

A: It sounds like nobody reports to you, dear cube dweller. Get over yourself. Maybe you should fire yourself by taking a different career path. That way, you won't have to manage the person you want to fire anymore. You also won't have to care that you are too much of a loser to be allowed to fire your own direct report.

Holy Carp!

There's been a lot of turmoil in Cube City lately. Layoffs are picking people off quietly from one week to the next, creating some fear, uncertainty, and the reminder that nothing is forever.

Meanwhile, the Texas Tornado has been whirling around on Facebook, stirring up dirt and then stalling out. Between her weekend fishing photos and intentionally vague status updates, she's kept her local viewers on storm watch, to say the least. The Tornado finally released the pressure she's been building the past few days to let her viewers know that she's accepted a job elsewhere.

Holy Carp! The Texas Tornado has jumped off the boat! I didn't see that one coming -- at least, not in that way.

I wonder what her next Cube City experience will be like. Will her new boss put up with her shit? Will she be able to keep the crazy at bay and build a reputable career for herself, or will her employer realize they've caught a bad fish and throw her back into the sea? Perhaps Facebook will be the place that provides us with updated weather alerts from her end of the world. I think I'll stay tuned and be ready to take cover if necessary.

Oh, Shih-Tzu.

There's been a whole bunch of crap floating around in Cube City, it's true. But there's also been a new addition to the office: a Shih Tzu puppy.

Holy shih-tzu! She is so freakin' cute, it's ridiculous! She's 9 weeks old, very busy, and very bad. I just want to put her in my pocket (because she would fit) and take her home.

When things are crazy in Cube City and all the joy has been sucked out of my life, I hear the Shih Tzu's feisty little bark, which sounds like someone with a sore throat saying, "Arc," and I have to smile. It beats the crap out of feeling grumpy.

Oh, Crap.

I wonder what my tattling has done to the borrowed copywriter who turned in crap work last week? I don't have much time to wonder about such things in Cube City, but I noticed on Facebook that this copywriter acted out in a status update -- something about being reprimanded for crap work. (Let's try to stomach the fact that this writer, who gets paid a college education salary for supposed fluency in English studies, misspelled "reprimanded.")

In Cube City, you have to know that whatever you say about someone will probably be handled by their manager with, "Well, Scissor Girl whined about this, so let's just humor her now and slash her tires later. I'll bring the knife." Everybody wants to be a buddy and nobody wants to be the villain, which is why nobody ever speaks up and there's a bunch of crap work floating around.

In the end, you cannot depend on people to do what's right. It's all just a load of crap.

My Sanity Seminar

Bye for a few days, my dear cube dwellers. I'm taking tomorrow and Monday off to learn what it's like to be sane. I've heard you can only do this by attending a sanity seminar. I've also heard that you can't take sanity seminars in Cube City. They are only available at offsite, undisclosed locations. I look forward to learning the basics about sanity in my time away, but I'm sure I will need some follow-up instruction.

It's a Mad World

Have you seen Mad Men? It's a dead-on summary of my life in Cube City, except for the time period. I heard about the show early on but never got around to tuning in. Recently, I decided to buy the first two seasons on DVD and just power through them before the new season begins this Sunday.

OMG.

I'm halfway through season two, and I have to say that I'm not sure if I should feel entertained or suicidal. Ad agency life is not for the weak at heart, but it certainly contributes to heart problems. The people who brought this show to life know what they're talking about...and I feel like they lived inside my mind at Cube City when they wrote the script. For instance, at Sterling Cooper Advertising, you can't:

• Fire someone who deserves it, even when you're their boss
• Get a promotion, or even a reasonable bump in pay, when you know you deserve it
• Expect your leaders to listen to reason, especially when you're talking business and how best to handle clients and conflicts of interest

It's a mad world out there, and it's no wonder that we're all completely entertained and suicidal. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Waking Up to the Quiet

I've had no sleepy surprises this week in Cube City, and it's been a superb awakening. The cube dweller who sends volumes of emails in the middle of the night is on vacation this week. The client who turns this cube dweller into midnight madness is also on vacation. So here I am, maximizing my PTO, enjoying my own vacation from them both. I have plenty to do, but I actually have the time to do it. It's amazing how one cube dweller and/or client can disrupt your work day and turn you into cranky pants. This week, I'm going to enjoy putting my work to bed and waking up to the quiet.

Hello?

There's a new security guard in Cube City, and he isn't very nice. In fact, he's downright rude. He has a staring problem. When I pass him on my way to the building's deli, he stares at me...so I say hello. And what does he say? Nothing. Is it that hard to return a greeting -- a greeting I felt obligated to initiate because he was staring at me? He's done this for a whole week. I hope he's just filling in for the friendly multi-tasking security/maintenance guy, or I might have to eventually punch his lights out.

Tattle-Tale

I had to tattle on someone in Cube City yesterday. It wasn't one of my own, but it was a copywriter from another office that was helping us out. Said copywriter turned in some absolute crap work, so I was the lucky one who had to (a) tattle to this person's boss, and (b) turn the crap work into something that looked and smelled a little better.

It's scary when you know there are people in Cube City who have no idea what they're doing. Is it because they aren't trained? Is it because they're stupid? Is it because they're too stupid to be trained?

I've had to tattle on this copywriter before, and it doesn't feel good. When I start to tattle, I have visions of a lisping, pig-tailed Cindy Brady dancing through my head. It's hard when you have to report poor work performance. It's hard to know when it's best to let it slide vs. crucial to keeping the customer happy. But really, I don't care all that much because, even though I'm cleaning up the crap, at least I don't have to figure out what to do with this copywriter. That's not much, but it's all I've got. Don't tell anyone I said so, though.

Please Don't Make Me Go to Staffing

What is the purpose of a staffing meeting? I realize this is a loaded question.

We have new rules for our staffing meetings in Cube City, but people aren't following them. If you don't request the right people for your brand work by the time we start the weekly meeting, you supposedly won't get anyone to work on your projects.

Uh, yeah. Tell that to people who talk to our clients, who have no idea how much work we sweat out of our pores for someone other than them.

People don't follow rules. They make up rules as they go along. So I sit in this boring meeting and make suggestions that people won't follow because they think the rules don't apply to them.

BASTARDS!

The rest of my week involves haggling with staffing coordinators and trying to help them clean up staffing shortages. Who's got any free time? How much? How soon can they start something they aren't expecting? Are they the best fit for this project? Who's better, and does that person have any time? If so, how much and how soon can they start?

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! I don't want to deal with this garbage. I just want to do my work...assuming I'm staffed appropriately for it, anyway.

My Mulleted Friend

I've got this Friend in Cube City that I don't know very well. We really don't work together very much at all. I don't know what to make of him. He seems very professional on the outside. But on the inside, the man is insane. Let's take a look inside his Facebook, shall we?

Most of my Friend's posts on Facebook are about business insights. But every now and then, he either hits the vodka or forgets where he is (or perhaps both) and posts all sorts of freakshow entries. In the past week, he's posted several angry-emotional-reflective musings on his impending divorce. He's done the same with other highly personal information, like the pain his father is enduring with a terminal illness. He's even gone so far as to post photos of his father totally jacked up on pain meds and lying unaware in a lonely, sterile, white hospital bed.

WHOA. NELLY. When things like this happen and I need to make sense of them, I usually think of mullets. It's like business in the front, raging frizzy lunatic in the back. I cannot imagine what my Friend is going through. He's got stress, to say the least, but his posts make my hair stand on end.

It's a...Food!

I know several pregnant cube dwellers in my Cube City right now. What they all have in common is their ferocious appetites. Lately, they've been passing by my desk, or I've been visiting them, and they've had food with them -- good food, like cookies, crackers, and candy. And they're so nice about sharing it. If I were eating for two, I'm not sure I'd be so charitable.

So this is a shout out to my pregnant cube dwellers and their willingness to bear food!

Grace

Pardon my ignorance, cube dwellers. I'm just gonna put it out there today.

I come from a small town. I was sheltered beyond your comprehension during my formative years. So there will always be a part of me that is shocked, at least initially, by things that aren't as plain and simple as Wonder Bread.

There is a person in Cube City that I often see walking to and from our building's deli. I've always thought of her as incredibly tall and slim, with the type of physique so many girls would love to have. I've also thought of her as having a somewhat strange, almost lumbering, gait. The girl ain't graceful, but I'm not either. I guess it's just more noticeable when you're incredibly tall and slim.

Today, I came face to face with her for the first time. Well, okay, she's incredibly tall, so I had to crane my neck, but I had problems masking my surprise when I realized that she is transgendered. I wasn't expecting that, and I'm embarrassed by my ignorance. As I observed her, I was curious to know if she's had full or partial surgery, if she's taking a lot of hormones, and how she handles the pressures of Cube City on top of it all. My guess is that she handles it all a lot more gracefully than she walks. I don't envy her tough walk through this life, but I can tell you this: I'd kill for her hips.