If you are in Cube City today because your company is lame and doesn't give you the day after Thanksgiving off as a paid holiday...
You are a sucker, and your company is a fucker. Find a new job. Be sure to check the paid holiday schedule before you accept an offer or pee in a cup or anything.
You're welcome for this post-Thanksgiving advice.
Scissor Girl must now return to her four-day weekend. Ahhhh.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Many Thanks
It's been a really hard week of cramming 89 billable hours into 24. I can't see or think straight anymore, which should make today interesting. Nonetheless, I have to admit that I'm thankful for my job in Cube City. The economy is really rough right now, and even those of us with jobs are having to cope with hard times, cutbacks, uncertainties, and lots of changes.
Today I just want to thank my readers for indulging me with this daily feast of a blog. I'm thankful to have an outlet that helps me realize the silliness of the things that get to us in Cube City, and your comments keep me going. It's very comforting to discover that I'm not alone in cubicle hell, and that there are plenty of other perfect cube dwellers like me who have to put up with all of the imperfections.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Today I just want to thank my readers for indulging me with this daily feast of a blog. I'm thankful to have an outlet that helps me realize the silliness of the things that get to us in Cube City, and your comments keep me going. It's very comforting to discover that I'm not alone in cubicle hell, and that there are plenty of other perfect cube dwellers like me who have to put up with all of the imperfections.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Listen Up: I Have a Voice
I was recently invited to a meeting with a guy who has worked in Cube City since the beginning of time. He just took a new position in the company and wanted my feedback on what he could do to help the people in my discipline.
Huh?
It took me quite a while to grasp that he actually cared about my opinions and genuinely wanted to work with me to solve some long-standing problems. Who does that anymore? People usually aren't so professional or courteous about sharing their ideas and seeing what you can add before they move forward. Instead, they make up their own rules with deaf ears as they go along, consulting nobody in the process. We all know how that misinformed approach ends -- badly.
It's good to know that ethics aren't completely dead in Cube City and that there are still some cube dwellers out there who believe in building collaborative relationships.
You heard me.
Huh?
It took me quite a while to grasp that he actually cared about my opinions and genuinely wanted to work with me to solve some long-standing problems. Who does that anymore? People usually aren't so professional or courteous about sharing their ideas and seeing what you can add before they move forward. Instead, they make up their own rules with deaf ears as they go along, consulting nobody in the process. We all know how that misinformed approach ends -- badly.
It's good to know that ethics aren't completely dead in Cube City and that there are still some cube dwellers out there who believe in building collaborative relationships.
You heard me.
Monday, November 24, 2008
These People Are Sick
Due to the new limitations on working from home, people are showing up sick in Cube City.
Who can blame them? It's not like they feel badly enough not to work, and who wants to minimize their PTO just to keep their germs away from other cube dwellers? Nobody is that courteous or self sacrificing.
What gets me is when courtesy totally leaves the building and people are hacking up goo in their cubes. Hello? Do you realize that there are people around you who can hear you working it up and spitting it out?
Just thinking about that sound makes me sick.
Who can blame them? It's not like they feel badly enough not to work, and who wants to minimize their PTO just to keep their germs away from other cube dwellers? Nobody is that courteous or self sacrificing.
What gets me is when courtesy totally leaves the building and people are hacking up goo in their cubes. Hello? Do you realize that there are people around you who can hear you working it up and spitting it out?
Just thinking about that sound makes me sick.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Low Expectations
My new cube mate is awesome. She comes to work with me on most Fridays and eats my desk, but I don't care. I mean, I don't want her to swallow wood splinters or anything, but the desk itself is ugly and therefore should be eaten.
The best part about my new cube mate is that she's too young for me to expect anything from her. She doesn't have to show signs of intelligence or an attention span. She doesn't have to behave. She doesn't have to be good at anything. If I could expect as little from junior-level workers in Cube City, I think I'd like them better.
The best part about my new cube mate is that she's too young for me to expect anything from her. She doesn't have to show signs of intelligence or an attention span. She doesn't have to behave. She doesn't have to be good at anything. If I could expect as little from junior-level workers in Cube City, I think I'd like them better.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Cube Q&A: Watch Out for the Bus
Q: What goes through the minds of people who throw you under the bus in Cube City, and how can I fight back?
A: First things first: It's insightful of you to note that this will happen to you more than once, and that you'll be hit by multiple bus drivers. The people who throw you under the bus see you as a sacrificial lamb. They will sacrifice you to save themselves and really won't put much additional thought into it. Basically, you're just a blind spot to them. The best thing you can do is build alliances in your school zone, where there's a reduced speed limit and lots of other children like you who are just trying to walk to school and get an education. You can all hold hands if necessary, as there is safety in numbers. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and look both ways before you cross the road.
A: First things first: It's insightful of you to note that this will happen to you more than once, and that you'll be hit by multiple bus drivers. The people who throw you under the bus see you as a sacrificial lamb. They will sacrifice you to save themselves and really won't put much additional thought into it. Basically, you're just a blind spot to them. The best thing you can do is build alliances in your school zone, where there's a reduced speed limit and lots of other children like you who are just trying to walk to school and get an education. You can all hold hands if necessary, as there is safety in numbers. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and look both ways before you cross the road.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It's Just a Phase
I wonder why we refer to our project deadlines as "phases" here in Cube City? We finish the first project for a brand and call it Phase 1. We tell our clients that we'll do all of these awesome whiz-pow-bang things for Phase 2. But then it's time for Phase 2 and we've got usability feedback, a new direction for the brand, and/or some other kind of feedback that turns Phase 2 into fixing what's wrong with Phase 1. Of course, we all know what Phase 3 brings: Fixing what's wrong with Phase 2, as well as anything that didn't get fixed or noticed in Phase 1.
Forget the whiz-pow-bang promises of projects to come. They are just a phase.
Forget the whiz-pow-bang promises of projects to come. They are just a phase.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Making the Rounds
I used to work for a CEO/Founder in Cube City who got ousted from his brainchild. His choices were going out of business or trying to save the company by leaving and appointing a successor. He chose the latter.
The person who replaced him was much older, grayer, and stuffier -- your basic corporate nightmare. The guy would make the rounds every day, like a doctor visiting sick people in the hospital. He would come by every day at 8:00 AM to say hello. He'd stick his head into each person's cube and cheerfully say, "Hello, there!" He'd take a second to look around too, to see if he could catch you doing something that you shouldn't be doing. His approach never worked with me, due to my excellent hearing ability and the chronic swishing of his suit pants as he walked. I'm not sure if he came by later than 5:00 PM to say goodbye every night. I just know I wasn't willing to stick around after a long day to say goodbye to him.
I found his rounds to be more like policing. But I didn't want to get arrested, so I made sure I was sitting in my office chair with work-related documents displaying prominently and convincingly on my computer screen at 8:00 every morning. I would say hello to him and feel like my major work for the day was done.
It became very stressful to appear as though I was happy to be sitting in my cube at 8:00 every morning, and I really didn't get paid enough at that time in my life to humor a grossly overpaid suit. I didn't know much, but I knew his priorities were a little misplaced. He was supposed to be saving the company, not checking the temperature of each cube dweller's chair.
I left the company after a few months of the grossly overpaid suit making his rounds. I greatly enjoyed saying goodbye to him, mostly because I no longer had to say hello.
The person who replaced him was much older, grayer, and stuffier -- your basic corporate nightmare. The guy would make the rounds every day, like a doctor visiting sick people in the hospital. He would come by every day at 8:00 AM to say hello. He'd stick his head into each person's cube and cheerfully say, "Hello, there!" He'd take a second to look around too, to see if he could catch you doing something that you shouldn't be doing. His approach never worked with me, due to my excellent hearing ability and the chronic swishing of his suit pants as he walked. I'm not sure if he came by later than 5:00 PM to say goodbye every night. I just know I wasn't willing to stick around after a long day to say goodbye to him.
I found his rounds to be more like policing. But I didn't want to get arrested, so I made sure I was sitting in my office chair with work-related documents displaying prominently and convincingly on my computer screen at 8:00 every morning. I would say hello to him and feel like my major work for the day was done.
It became very stressful to appear as though I was happy to be sitting in my cube at 8:00 every morning, and I really didn't get paid enough at that time in my life to humor a grossly overpaid suit. I didn't know much, but I knew his priorities were a little misplaced. He was supposed to be saving the company, not checking the temperature of each cube dweller's chair.
I left the company after a few months of the grossly overpaid suit making his rounds. I greatly enjoyed saying goodbye to him, mostly because I no longer had to say hello.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Working from Home
We recently received a memo in Cube City about working from home and how a new policy will soon be enforced across all cubicles. In the meantime, we were told that instead of working from home whenever we please, we can now work from home two days or less per month.
I rarely work from my safe place, so this doesn't exactly crush my soul, but it pisses me off anyway. I don't have to regularly use a benefit to be angry when it is taken away. Of course, now that it's being taken away, working from home is all I can think about. Dragging myself into the office every day has become a chore. I've let this cubicle mandate get to me mentally.
What bothers me most is that there are a few people in Cube City who can't handle a benefit. So they abuse it and get it abolished for everybody else. It's like baggage from high school when my oldest brother totaled his car doing stupid things with his friends, which led my parents to decide that none of the other kids in the family would ever have cars of their own. I mean, if I'd had a car in high school, I would've gone places -- literally and figuratively -- and wouldn't be sitting here crying into the blogosphere.
All this new policy does is up the ante for figuring out how to work the system. Now people aren't going to tell you that they're working from home. They're just going to be mysteriously hard to find...because they won't be in Cube City. They'll be at home in their jammies, watching movies on Lifetime, catching up on laundry, and laughing their asses off at the people who are following the policy.
If you need me for anything today and I'm not at my desk, I'm probably just mysteriously hard to find. Check my fake meetings on my calendar for my whereabouts, and have a nice day.
I rarely work from my safe place, so this doesn't exactly crush my soul, but it pisses me off anyway. I don't have to regularly use a benefit to be angry when it is taken away. Of course, now that it's being taken away, working from home is all I can think about. Dragging myself into the office every day has become a chore. I've let this cubicle mandate get to me mentally.
What bothers me most is that there are a few people in Cube City who can't handle a benefit. So they abuse it and get it abolished for everybody else. It's like baggage from high school when my oldest brother totaled his car doing stupid things with his friends, which led my parents to decide that none of the other kids in the family would ever have cars of their own. I mean, if I'd had a car in high school, I would've gone places -- literally and figuratively -- and wouldn't be sitting here crying into the blogosphere.
All this new policy does is up the ante for figuring out how to work the system. Now people aren't going to tell you that they're working from home. They're just going to be mysteriously hard to find...because they won't be in Cube City. They'll be at home in their jammies, watching movies on Lifetime, catching up on laundry, and laughing their asses off at the people who are following the policy.
If you need me for anything today and I'm not at my desk, I'm probably just mysteriously hard to find. Check my fake meetings on my calendar for my whereabouts, and have a nice day.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Calendar Stalking
When things are uncertain in Cube City and you're always the last to know, you have to take matters into your own hands. A good way to accomplish this is through stalking important people's calendars.
Lately I've noticed that an important person in my world -- my manager -- is holding time for "individual conversations."
*GULP*
There's quite a bit of time blocked for these "individual conversations," and I just despise the vague and shady description, but at least it allows me to worry and burn up energy about something that could possibly pose no concerns in my world. I wouldn't be so suspicious if there wasn't an equally mysterious and highly unusual team meeting scheduled for Monday -- scheduled by my manager, no less.
*CHEST TIGHTENING*
I'm left with no other choice but to jump to conclusions. My conclusion is that my manager is leaving the company and is telling some people prior to the meeting by way of -- you guessed it -- individual conversations. Since I'm always the last to know, I don't expect to hear anything ahead of time...but at least I can prepare for the worst by arming myself with calendar-stalking activities.
If you happen to know what's going on, please stalk my calendar and schedule an individual conversation with me.
Lately I've noticed that an important person in my world -- my manager -- is holding time for "individual conversations."
*GULP*
There's quite a bit of time blocked for these "individual conversations," and I just despise the vague and shady description, but at least it allows me to worry and burn up energy about something that could possibly pose no concerns in my world. I wouldn't be so suspicious if there wasn't an equally mysterious and highly unusual team meeting scheduled for Monday -- scheduled by my manager, no less.
*CHEST TIGHTENING*
I'm left with no other choice but to jump to conclusions. My conclusion is that my manager is leaving the company and is telling some people prior to the meeting by way of -- you guessed it -- individual conversations. Since I'm always the last to know, I don't expect to hear anything ahead of time...but at least I can prepare for the worst by arming myself with calendar-stalking activities.
If you happen to know what's going on, please stalk my calendar and schedule an individual conversation with me.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Somebody Doesn't Get It
We are still feeling the pinch from the recent round of layoffs in Cube City. Nonetheless, somebody had the nerve to ask what to do better for the next round of performance reviews in order to get the best possible raise.
Uh, okay, where do I start? I mean, what part of "the economy is in the shitter and you're lucky to have a job" do you not understand?
Somebody doesn't get it.
Uh, okay, where do I start? I mean, what part of "the economy is in the shitter and you're lucky to have a job" do you not understand?
Somebody doesn't get it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
What's Cookin'
I've been asked to pick a day to bring a heart-healthy meal to a fellow cube dweller in Cube City. This cube dweller's spouse recently had a scary medical issue that has forced the whole family to re-evaluate their eating habits.
I'm sure I can come up with something, and I don't mind pitching in to help this family. But I worry about these things we do in Cube City that cross the lines of business. I mean, what if I make a dish that unintentionally sickens the family? What if the recipe doesn't turn out quite like it should? I'm sure the dish won't look like the picture in the recipe, as it never does. How perfect am I supposed to be in delivering on this gesture?
I've also received a request to contribute to a Thanksgiving potluck in Cube City. I don't know if I can cook something up twice in one month for business.
I'm really feeling the pressure of nice gestures lately, and I'm not sure where this is coming from. This feeling gets in the way of what is important. I guess I just need to stop thinking and start cooking. Anybody got a good heart-healthy recipe to share? And a Thanksgiving potluck recipe?
I'm sure I can come up with something, and I don't mind pitching in to help this family. But I worry about these things we do in Cube City that cross the lines of business. I mean, what if I make a dish that unintentionally sickens the family? What if the recipe doesn't turn out quite like it should? I'm sure the dish won't look like the picture in the recipe, as it never does. How perfect am I supposed to be in delivering on this gesture?
I've also received a request to contribute to a Thanksgiving potluck in Cube City. I don't know if I can cook something up twice in one month for business.
I'm really feeling the pressure of nice gestures lately, and I'm not sure where this is coming from. This feeling gets in the way of what is important. I guess I just need to stop thinking and start cooking. Anybody got a good heart-healthy recipe to share? And a Thanksgiving potluck recipe?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Baby Shower Dilemma
There's somebody in Cube City whose wife has a bun in the oven. The bun is toasting nicely and should be ready to pop out in less than a month. With this knowledge comes a lot of pressure about what to do with this information.
I'm not big on special events planning in Cube City and am not sure if I should suggest having a baby shower. It seems like the nice thing to do, but here's the quandary: Do I have enough energy right now to do something nice, and if so, will this gesture be appreciated or loathed by the male recipient? It could go either way.
If I decide to go ahead and do this, as the alternative would be to rudely ignore an important and special event in somebody's life, what comes next? Do I invite the mother-to-be, even though she's lucky enough not to work here? Should it be a surprise, or should I ask the father-to-be if I should even go to the trouble? Should I just ask a bunch of people in Cube City to hand over some cash and sign a card since I don't know where these people are registered, if anywhere? Should I buy a cake?
Oh, baby, it all just seems a little too overwhelming to me.
I'm not big on special events planning in Cube City and am not sure if I should suggest having a baby shower. It seems like the nice thing to do, but here's the quandary: Do I have enough energy right now to do something nice, and if so, will this gesture be appreciated or loathed by the male recipient? It could go either way.
If I decide to go ahead and do this, as the alternative would be to rudely ignore an important and special event in somebody's life, what comes next? Do I invite the mother-to-be, even though she's lucky enough not to work here? Should it be a surprise, or should I ask the father-to-be if I should even go to the trouble? Should I just ask a bunch of people in Cube City to hand over some cash and sign a card since I don't know where these people are registered, if anywhere? Should I buy a cake?
Oh, baby, it all just seems a little too overwhelming to me.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Maximize Your PTO
If there's one thing we can all agree on in Cube City, it's that there's never enough paid time off (PTO). We could have six months of PTO each year and still find ourselves desperate for a break.
But if you have a strategy for the optimum use of your PTO, you will survive. You might even thrive. I'm here to give you an early gift this holiday season. Here's how to get started:
But if you have a strategy for the optimum use of your PTO, you will survive. You might even thrive. I'm here to give you an early gift this holiday season. Here's how to get started:
- Make a list of everyone that you work with regularly.
- Rank the names from Step 1 in this order: Most hated teammates to least hated teammates.
- Find out when your most hated teammates will be on vacation. You will want to be in the office when they're not, as you'll get paid for not having to put up with them. This is what we call "bonus vacation."
- Plan your PTO when you know that your most hated teammates will be in the office. This will ensure maximum results in the utilization of your PTO.
There isn't enough time away from Cube City, but if you use this simple four-step PTO strategy, you'll get more bang for your PTO buck. This message has been brought to you by Burned-Out Blades, Inc. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a list and check it twice...
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Nightmare of Facebook
So much for basking in the time-sucking fetish of Facebook. It is time to move on. People from high school are finding me somehow, some way, and it just isn't fun anymore. In fact, they're all hounding me to take time off from Cube City to attend our 20-year reunion next summer.
I never thought I'd say this, but...Cube City is better than something. That's right. Cube City is better than high school. I say this as someone who loved high school. I had great classmates, great friends, great curricular and extra-curricular activities, and more.
But that was then, and this is now. Then, we were all young and stupid. Now, we're all old and stupid, and I just can't entertain lengthy conversations with these people. I see how old they look in the photos that they post, and I think that I must certainly look just as old to them. Most of them have kids, despite the fact that many of them shouldn't. Nobody knows you better than your past. Who needs this depressing nightmare that reminds us of our mortality?
I finally added my high school to my Facebook profile because the stalkers were finding me anyway. My strategy now is to just get this whole reuniting thing over with as soon as possible. I was hoping that my former classmates would realize that Classmates.com is for classmates who want to be found. But no. They will stalk you until they find you somehow, some way. They have turned Facebook into Yearbook. Bleh.
I never thought I'd say this, but...Cube City is better than something. That's right. Cube City is better than high school. I say this as someone who loved high school. I had great classmates, great friends, great curricular and extra-curricular activities, and more.
But that was then, and this is now. Then, we were all young and stupid. Now, we're all old and stupid, and I just can't entertain lengthy conversations with these people. I see how old they look in the photos that they post, and I think that I must certainly look just as old to them. Most of them have kids, despite the fact that many of them shouldn't. Nobody knows you better than your past. Who needs this depressing nightmare that reminds us of our mortality?
I finally added my high school to my Facebook profile because the stalkers were finding me anyway. My strategy now is to just get this whole reuniting thing over with as soon as possible. I was hoping that my former classmates would realize that Classmates.com is for classmates who want to be found. But no. They will stalk you until they find you somehow, some way. They have turned Facebook into Yearbook. Bleh.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Cube Jockeys
If there's one thing I can't stand in Cube City, it's cube jockeys.
You know who they are. Cube jockeys are the ones who are always jockeying for something better -- a bigger cube, a window cube, an office, a bigger office, a bigger office with a window, a reserved parking space, a better reserved parking space...
If cube jockeys spent as much time and energy giving to the company as trying to weasel bigger and better things out of it, they might be a little less useless to us all. I'd love to take a whip and just beat the shit out of them until they actually complete some work that is deserving of a trip to the Winner's Circle. Until then, they're just extra weight that slows us down.
You know who they are. Cube jockeys are the ones who are always jockeying for something better -- a bigger cube, a window cube, an office, a bigger office, a bigger office with a window, a reserved parking space, a better reserved parking space...
If cube jockeys spent as much time and energy giving to the company as trying to weasel bigger and better things out of it, they might be a little less useless to us all. I'd love to take a whip and just beat the shit out of them until they actually complete some work that is deserving of a trip to the Winner's Circle. Until then, they're just extra weight that slows us down.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A New Day
It's a new day in the country. We have elected a new president. If only we could elect a new president in Cube City, we'd be on a roll.
I'm out of the office today, so that's it from here. May we all celebrate the changes to come in our country, no matter how we voted. I mean, the new president has got to be better than what we've had for eight long years, right?
I'm out of the office today, so that's it from here. May we all celebrate the changes to come in our country, no matter how we voted. I mean, the new president has got to be better than what we've had for eight long years, right?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day
It's Election Day, and I'm sure that many cube dwellers will leave Cube City early to vote...even if they already voted early like me and just want an excuse to leave early. It's cool that most Cube Cities respect your civil duty and give you the space to vote on Election Day.
So...who's leaving early today, hmmm???
So...who's leaving early today, hmmm???
Monday, November 3, 2008
Are You Ready?
It's the day before the election that will change everything.
Are you ready for change? I am, but I have to get through two days of Cube City first.
It's amazing how people at work talk so openly about politics. That's what I love and hate most about smaller Cube Cities. There are no boundaries here. At a bigger Cube City, where there are these things called rules, you could get fired for revealing your political affiliation, let alone talking at length about it and why others should vote the same way that you're voting.
I don't mind that others are discussing politics in Cube City. It's their choice. But when it's clear that they're stupid and they want to show me how stupid they are, I'm completely appalled and uninterested in being pulled into their debates...because there's nothing to debate. I plan to smile and nod a lot for the next few days, and I hope I am just smiling on Wednesday.
Stay tuned to a Cube City near you.
Are you ready for change? I am, but I have to get through two days of Cube City first.
It's amazing how people at work talk so openly about politics. That's what I love and hate most about smaller Cube Cities. There are no boundaries here. At a bigger Cube City, where there are these things called rules, you could get fired for revealing your political affiliation, let alone talking at length about it and why others should vote the same way that you're voting.
I don't mind that others are discussing politics in Cube City. It's their choice. But when it's clear that they're stupid and they want to show me how stupid they are, I'm completely appalled and uninterested in being pulled into their debates...because there's nothing to debate. I plan to smile and nod a lot for the next few days, and I hope I am just smiling on Wednesday.
Stay tuned to a Cube City near you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
