I Need a Resolution

Somebody in Cube City recently told me that she has two resolutions for the New Year. They are to:

1. Work out more
2. Get along with her nemesis at work, even if it kills her

I really like her resolutions, as she seems to have one that is focused on her personal life and one that is focused on her work life. I think that the first one might help her achieve the second one. I haven't really thought about any resolutions for myself. I'm willing to work out more. However, I have more than one nemesis at work, and I guess I'm just not ambitious enough to get along with any of them. Somehow, I think that's okay.

I need a resolution of my own, but I'm at a loss right now. Burnout can do that to a person.

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2009, no matter how you choose to resolve it.

There's An Echo (Echo...Echo...) In Here

Hello? Is anybody here?

There's a lonely feel in the office when it's quiet and a high volume of people are out of the office. I don't miss the people or their demands, of course, but I find it hard to get motivated to do the work. Mostly, I don't understand why there's so much work to do when nobody is here. This is crazy.

I'm just going through the motions of showing up to Cube City until next year, when everybody will return from their holiday vacations. I could be off work right now, I suppose, as I have the vacation time. However, I'm maximizing my PTO. You really can't blame me. It's a long haul until our next paid holiday off, so I'll save my time for a desperate need.

In the meantime, please share the secret of how to make a long, lonely day go faster in Cube City. The secret isn't codka. It's too cold for that. I know, I know, I really thought I had the answer.

I'm Afraid of My Inbox

I used to work with a guy in Cube City who refused to take time off because everything blew up while he was away. People would change the rules, and he'd have a huge mess to clean up. It wasn't worth his time to go on vacation.

I have been away from Cube City for five days. It took three of those days to come down from the chaos. I spent quality time with my loved ones, scored ridiculous holiday deals at the mall, and refused to check my work email...though it was always in the back of my mind, looming there with an appropriate amount of dread. I definitely didn't drink enough.

It's time to log in. It's time to see what blew up while I was out of the office, despite everybody supposedly being off work. I'm afraid of my inbox. I really don't want to log in. Do I have to?

Oh, Fudge. It's Come Un-done.

Okay, who brought the undercooked fudge to Cube City last Friday? SHOW YOURSELF.

More importantly, who is desperate enough to eat mushy and potentially health-hazardous fudge that was obviously a sorry baker's botched batch?

It's interesting to me that people will bring their cooking mistakes to work because they know Cube City is where all food will go into somebody's belly instead of the trash. Can't you just hear the baker's thought process upon realizing that the fudge didn't turn out right? It probably went something like this:

Oh, FUDGE! My first batch of fudge didn't harden! I followed the recipe from Wikipedia and everything! Waaahhhh! But now that I read it again, I don't think I used corn syrup. Hmmm.

Well, it was an experiment. Not bad for my first batch EVER. The next batch will be better. But...oh, dear...what do I do with the first batch? I can't give this to somebody I care about, and I definitely can't eat it. It looks scary, and it definitely isn't done.

Wait, I know!!! I'll just sneak it into the office and leave it on the kitchen counter. Nobody will know that I totally suck at baking, and my experiment will not go to complete waste. SOMEBODY will eat it.

And the baker would be right. The fudge was almost gone by the time I left work on Friday. I never saw anybody take a piece of that fudge. I think its consumers were as sneaky as its baker. That's just fudged up.

Not-So-Happy Holidaze

There are only two days in this holiday work week for most of us in Cube City. I think there are only two of us here to do everybody else's work too.

Showing up to work during a holiday week is what stupidity looks like in Cube City. I'm sure the next two days will be frantic and furious. It's basically what every day looks like here, except for the ghost-town atmosphere. It's so quiet that you can hear me sweating the work out of my pores.

I hope to be smarter in evaluating my holiday time off next year. But since I'm what stupid looks like this week, could somebody please write a reminder on their calendar to reach out to me next year, say on November 1st, to let me know that it's time to get smart and plan for massive holiday time off?

Happy Holidaze!

It's All About Scrambling

It seems to be a similar scene in Cube City each week:

• Mondays are manageable.
• Tuesdays are trying.
• Wednesdays are whacked.
• Thursdays are when people really start working.
• Fridays are frantic because of Thursdays.
• Weekends suck because you're making up for manageable Mondays.

I asked a cube dweller, why? Why this vicious cycle? He broke it down for me:

• Mondays are quiet until 2:00 PM, when the client starts to feel like working and sends us some feedback.
• Tuesdays and Wednesdays are for scrambling as we try to determine how to react and respond to the client's feedback.
• Thursdays and Fridays are for the hard work we do based on our scrambling earlier in the week.
• Weekends are for tying up any loose ends based on two days of scrambling through our reactions and two days of scrambling through the work.

Then it's time for Monday, when we get to rest for a few hours before the vicious cycle begins again.

Anybody got any pain meds to make it stop?

The Unpleasantries of Staffing Meetings

I'm not sure how I got roped into staffing meetings in Cube City, but something's gotta give.

I go to these weekly staffing meetings to address the tasks assigned to each person on my team and check on their scheduled hours for the week.

It's always the same story:

• We don't have enough people.
• We have too much work.
• We don't have enough people to handle too much work.

So the game begins. We sit around for an hour and postulate about who we can shove the work onto if their original work schedule happens to shift unexpectedly. It's mind numbing.

For the past several weeks, I've handled a ridiculous amount of scheduled hours due to total lack of resolve in the weekly staffing meeting. I think my work hours last week totalled 102. But does anybody care about my hours? Of course not. What do you do about that extra 62 hours that should be split among two people that you don't have? Hiring more people is out of the question right now, so I'm sucking it up.

I have to go to the staffing meeting today. I'd rather stab forks in my eyes, but we don't even have real forks in Cube City. So I guess I'll be taking a stab at the work instead. It's what I do.

Cube Q&A: Reality TV

Q: Is it just me, or does Cube City sometimes feel like a drama-filled reality TV show that will never end?
A: If you feel like the biggest loser who's a survivor in the amazing race with Big Brother, you're not alone, dear cube dweller.

X, Y, and Z

One of the cube dwellers in Cube City recently said that she's been dinged on performance reviews for procrastinating. In her opinion, she's not procrastinating. She just isn't finding the creative inspiration in time to meet a deadline.

I feel her.

It really infuriates me that we're tied to timelines instead of the best work we can possibly create. Writers compose websites in two or three days, and that's if they're lucky enough to be allotted that kind of time. Designers have a week to create the look and feel of a website that needs major eye candy love. It's insane.

This is where the creative process clashes with account services. We have to crank X amount of work out per day, per week, per month, per quarter to meet X dollars so that we can all work harder to keep up with timelines that do not support the creative process.

It seems like we eventually get to a good place with the creative process. But it takes X rounds of client reviews and feeling or looking sub par before we can be halfway impressed with what we've done.

Y? Y does X have to be this complicated? I wish it didn't have to be this way. We're all supposed to be on the same team, but we all have very different goals. So we'll hurry the creative process along to meet X dollars.

All I know is that it takes a lot of money to Xpress ourselves in Cube City.

I Worked the Weekend

I worked the weekend in Cube City. I've done it before, and I'm sure I'll do it again.

But it just makes Monday that much harder.

Pardon me while I stab myself with my scissors for being a total pushover who said, "Sure, I'll work the weekend!" So much for just saying no.

Ice Day

I'm ready for an ice day in Cube City -- not to be confused with Ice Cube City.

You see, in Texas, we get ice days instead of snow days. The city gets covered in a sheet of ice, and everything shuts down. You don't go to work unless you're new to the South, insane, or stupid. All you'll do is end up in a ditch with a very big car insurance bill and more resentment towards Cube City.

We've had some cold weather and traces of sleet this week, but some recent warm weather has made an ice day impossible. So I'll keep holding out and waiting for one. It's really all I have to look forward to in Cube City during the winter.

Have an ice day.

Professional Suicide

I used to work in a very conservative Cube City where the conservative leaders tried to act like cool "A-list" people during the holiday season. They tried to have a very cool holiday party, but they usually fell flat with their robotic delivery.

One of the conservative cube dwellers, who would've bought anything that the robots tried to sell, was asking people what they were going to wear to the holiday party. When she got to me, I told her that I wouldn't be going to the holiday party.

Her loud, horrified gasping noise made everyone in Cube City stop what they were doing. As she tried to collect herself, I found myself really bored and ready for her to go away. Then she exclaimed, "You can't miss the holiday party! It's professional suicide!"

Right then and there, I knew I'd never attend another holiday party in Cube City...not that I had attended many in my lifetime before then. I just thought, "Wow. This lady takes herself and her career waaaaay too seriously."

It's been nine years since she made that remark about professional suicide. That particular Cube City has long since been out of business, but here I am, still working and still dissing the holiday party scene. I just figure I'm not getting paid to hang with cube dwellers, so why would I go to a party on a Saturday night with them? I wouldn't know them if we weren't spending the majority of our days totally miserable with each other as we try to earn a few beans.

So anyway, to my knowledge, I haven't yet committed professional suicide but have seen the death of many Cube Cities. I guess that's something to celebrate. Cheers.

Deck the Holiday Haul

It's a long haul in Cube City until the holidays, and then we get only a few paid days off, at which time we'll feel like we didn't have time off at all due to our dysfunctional family drama and holiday obligations, and then it will be an even longer haul until our next paid holiday in May, which is Memorial Day and isn't supposed to be something to celebrate with glee, you know?

Whew. That was a long sentence to demonstrate the long haul. I'm exhausted just blogging about it all.

The Yawner

There's somebody in Cube City who isn't getting enough oxygen these days. Let's just call her The Yawner.

The Yawner covers the full spectrum of yawns:

• Loud, "I have never yawned before and have to get it all out now, in the most annoying way possible, and you could throw your whole cubicle into my big mouth right now if you wanted to" yawns
• Short, "I need to just squeak this one out quickly" yawns
• Long, "I am trying to beat the Guinness Book of World Records" yawns
• Bored, "I am out of ideas, so I'm just going to yawn for a while" yawns

I'm sure that there are a lot of silent yawns (the ones that are non-yawns, or half-yawns, or otherwise unsatisfying yawns) that we can't hear from The Yawner, but I have to wonder what makes somebody think that being vocal with yawning is an acceptable thing at work.

All I know is that it's contagious, and I can't stop yawning. Are you yawning?

The Clock Watcher

I used to work in a Cube City where one of the overpaid suits spent way too much time being concerned about when you left work for the day. His office was positioned near the exit, and his door was always open so that he could see you come and go. He was The Clock Watcher.

It was the type of job that drained you pretty easily. You had little interaction with others all day and got a lot of work done. You basically spent the day inside your head. To maintain my sanity, I kept very regular hours. I would come in at 7:00 AM and leave promptly at 4:00 PM. I rarely went out to lunch and usually ate at my desk while working. I was extremely productive at that job.

However, none of this seemed to matter to The Clock Watcher. He wasn't my manager but wanted me to know that he didn't appreciate how I left consistently at 4:00 every day. Were there issues with my performance? No. In fact, I was very well-respected at this job and was known for cranking the work out. I didn't get it.

I tried in a nice (or perhaps stupid) way to point out to The Clock Watcher that he didn't come to work until 9:00 AM, often took two-hour lunches, and left by 6:00 PM. (There were some occasions when I was on a deadline and stayed later, and there was never a sign of life in the office after 6:00.) One could argue that he didn't work as hard as I did, and he certainly got paid a lot more.

But this is how it happens in Cube City. There are conservative weirdo types who think you aren't dedicated to your job if you leave at 4:00 PM. They can't see past their conservative views of what a work day should look like. It's like those two hours that you work in the morning while they're still trying to get out of bed don't count.

I think there was a part of The Clock Watcher who was envious of my schedule and my discipline. I left work at 4:00 so that I could exercise, cook a healthy dinner, and still feel like I had an evening to unwind. But all The Clock Watcher ever did was to come to work, go to lunch, come back to work, and go out to dinner with his spouse. He was unhealthy, he was about ten years older than me, and he didn't have a healthy work-life balance figured out yet. Surely his comments about my work schedule stemmed from his own insecurities about the need to get a life.

Nonetheless, The Clock Watcher had a voice in my career path and pay. He was the bean counter. So I had to eventually leave that Cube City because I wasn't getting raises and knew that I deserved them. It's hard when you won't play the game by somebody else's rules in Cube City. The minority can't win if they're outnumbered by losers.

The "No" Nazi

I've been saying "No" a lot lately in Cube City.

Just realized you are a totally unorganized project manager who needs a writer for a few hours? NO. NO WRITER FOR YOU.

Want to look like you're on top of your game but can only do that if I work nights and weekends for you? NO. NO TOP OF GAME FOR YOU.

Want to go behind my back and try to find a sucker who is willing to work nights and weekends for you? NO. I REPEAT, NO TOP OF GAME FOR YOU.

People will push the limits as far as they can in Cube City. They have NO regard for you or what they put you through. You have to just say no, or they'll take advantage of you forever. NO. NO HOW. NO WAY.

Evaluating the Evaluators

I recently attended a meeting in Cube City about performance reviews and how they will change. I sat through a presentation, acutely self aware of my horror and trying very hard not to wear it on my face, about all the great problems we'll solve and time we'll save with this new way of evaluating a person's performance.

I respect that people had to sit down and try to figure out what was wrong with the current evaluation system. I respect that people had to sit through lots of painful meetings to decide how to tackle this problem and improve it. I know it can't be easy.

What I don't respect is having to sit through an hour-long meeting, only to ask questions that receive an elaborate tap dance instead of an answer. I wanted to stand up and say, "Congratulations. You just spent six months improving performance evaluation plans that will do nothing to improve performance evaluations."

The worst part is that so many people seemed confused by the time the meeting ended. There were so many questions and no real answers. It was like the people presenting the plans knew nothing about them.

Does anybody know where the new performance evaluation forms are located? I need to evaluate the performance evaluation committee on their delivery of the performance evaluation plans.

My Love-Hate Relationships

There are people that I love in Cube City. There are also people that I hate. And then there are people that I sometimes love and sometimes hate.

It's the love-hate relationships that keep cubicle life interesting, though the hate seems to live longer than the love. Yesterday, I hated a co-worker and everything that person stood for. Today, I love that co-worker and am thrilled that we work together. We're a good team.

Yeah, it's totally fucked up.

I think part of it is that none of us really know what the hell we're doing most of the time. We take a bunch of stabs in the dark and blame each other for our failures on the inside while smiling and nodding like team players on the outside. Sometimes it just builds up and we've got to beat the shit out of each other. That's the hate. It's not really hate towards a person. It's hate towards the system. People aren't trained to do their jobs correctly, and you really can't blame them for that. The system has failed them. But the system doesn't care, so you have to take it out on a person who has feelings. That's what makes you feel better. Make somebody with feelings cry, and then you're cleansed.

There are times like today, when things pull together and we've moved past crying, that we can feel the love and sense of accomplishment. We can realize why we do this for a living (besides for the money, of course). But don't fool yourself. We'll have a client meeting soon that will remind us that we really don't love each other because we don't know what we're doing. It's back to the drawing board. The cycle will soon move back to hate, but today I will feel the love.

Help Me, Help Your Desk

Why does the Cube City helpdesk totally suck rocks?

Sometimes I just hate the helpdesk. I recently had a problem with my wireless network connection, so I asked the helpdesk for...you know...help.

A really snooty helpdesk guy responded to my request from the comfort of his desk. He wrote, "You won't be able to see wireless networks in range because we don't broadcast them. Are you having trouble connecting to the wireless network?"

No, pal, I like disconnecting from one wireless network just so I can connect to another one with a name that I like better. This is what I do for fun. OF COURSE I CAN'T CONNECT, OR I WOULDN'T BE BOTHERING YOU. Oh, and you have no idea what you're talking about because I've always been able to see the networks and select them if my wireless network isn't connecting.

Sometimes I just wish that the helpers would get up from their desks and take an interest in solving problems. It seems like they'd rather shoot a bunch of blanks from their guns before getting serious with their ammunition. Why can't helpdesk people be more helpful?

Then and Now

Here we are, back to the grind with piles of work so ridiculously high that we wonder, with great regret, why we took a few days off.

Sure, I know the answer: I was going insane. I needed a few days off from Cube City. But that was then, and this is now. I wish it was then, not now.

Calling All Suckers

If you are in Cube City today because your company is lame and doesn't give you the day after Thanksgiving off as a paid holiday...

You are a sucker, and your company is a fucker. Find a new job. Be sure to check the paid holiday schedule before you accept an offer or pee in a cup or anything.

You're welcome for this post-Thanksgiving advice.

Scissor Girl must now return to her four-day weekend. Ahhhh.

Many Thanks

It's been a really hard week of cramming 89 billable hours into 24. I can't see or think straight anymore, which should make today interesting. Nonetheless, I have to admit that I'm thankful for my job in Cube City. The economy is really rough right now, and even those of us with jobs are having to cope with hard times, cutbacks, uncertainties, and lots of changes.

Today I just want to thank my readers for indulging me with this daily feast of a blog. I'm thankful to have an outlet that helps me realize the silliness of the things that get to us in Cube City, and your comments keep me going. It's very comforting to discover that I'm not alone in cubicle hell, and that there are plenty of other perfect cube dwellers like me who have to put up with all of the imperfections.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Listen Up: I Have a Voice

I was recently invited to a meeting with a guy who has worked in Cube City since the beginning of time. He just took a new position in the company and wanted my feedback on what he could do to help the people in my discipline.

Huh?

It took me quite a while to grasp that he actually cared about my opinions and genuinely wanted to work with me to solve some long-standing problems. Who does that anymore? People usually aren't so professional or courteous about sharing their ideas and seeing what you can add before they move forward. Instead, they make up their own rules with deaf ears as they go along, consulting nobody in the process. We all know how that misinformed approach ends -- badly.

It's good to know that ethics aren't completely dead in Cube City and that there are still some cube dwellers out there who believe in building collaborative relationships.

You heard me.

These People Are Sick

Due to the new limitations on working from home, people are showing up sick in Cube City.

Who can blame them? It's not like they feel badly enough not to work, and who wants to minimize their PTO just to keep their germs away from other cube dwellers? Nobody is that courteous or self sacrificing.

What gets me is when courtesy totally leaves the building and people are hacking up goo in their cubes. Hello? Do you realize that there are people around you who can hear you working it up and spitting it out?

Just thinking about that sound makes me sick.

Low Expectations

My new cube mate is awesome. She comes to work with me on most Fridays and eats my desk, but I don't care. I mean, I don't want her to swallow wood splinters or anything, but the desk itself is ugly and therefore should be eaten.

The best part about my new cube mate is that she's too young for me to expect anything from her. She doesn't have to show signs of intelligence or an attention span. She doesn't have to behave. She doesn't have to be good at anything. If I could expect as little from junior-level workers in Cube City, I think I'd like them better.

Cube Q&A: Watch Out for the Bus

Q: What goes through the minds of people who throw you under the bus in Cube City, and how can I fight back?

A: First things first: It's insightful of you to note that this will happen to you more than once, and that you'll be hit by multiple bus drivers. The people who throw you under the bus see you as a sacrificial lamb. They will sacrifice you to save themselves and really won't put much additional thought into it. Basically, you're just a blind spot to them. The best thing you can do is build alliances in your school zone, where there's a reduced speed limit and lots of other children like you who are just trying to walk to school and get an education. You can all hold hands if necessary, as there is safety in numbers. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and look both ways before you cross the road.

It's Just a Phase

I wonder why we refer to our project deadlines as "phases" here in Cube City? We finish the first project for a brand and call it Phase 1. We tell our clients that we'll do all of these awesome whiz-pow-bang things for Phase 2. But then it's time for Phase 2 and we've got usability feedback, a new direction for the brand, and/or some other kind of feedback that turns Phase 2 into fixing what's wrong with Phase 1. Of course, we all know what Phase 3 brings: Fixing what's wrong with Phase 2, as well as anything that didn't get fixed or noticed in Phase 1.

Forget the whiz-pow-bang promises of projects to come. They are just a phase.

Making the Rounds

I used to work for a CEO/Founder in Cube City who got ousted from his brainchild. His choices were going out of business or trying to save the company by leaving and appointing a successor. He chose the latter.

The person who replaced him was much older, grayer, and stuffier -- your basic corporate nightmare. The guy would make the rounds every day, like a doctor visiting sick people in the hospital. He would come by every day at 8:00 AM to say hello. He'd stick his head into each person's cube and cheerfully say, "Hello, there!" He'd take a second to look around too, to see if he could catch you doing something that you shouldn't be doing. His approach never worked with me, due to my excellent hearing ability and the chronic swishing of his suit pants as he walked. I'm not sure if he came by later than 5:00 PM to say goodbye every night. I just know I wasn't willing to stick around after a long day to say goodbye to him.

I found his rounds to be more like policing. But I didn't want to get arrested, so I made sure I was sitting in my office chair with work-related documents displaying prominently and convincingly on my computer screen at 8:00 every morning. I would say hello to him and feel like my major work for the day was done.

It became very stressful to appear as though I was happy to be sitting in my cube at 8:00 every morning, and I really didn't get paid enough at that time in my life to humor a grossly overpaid suit. I didn't know much, but I knew his priorities were a little misplaced. He was supposed to be saving the company, not checking the temperature of each cube dweller's chair.

I left the company after a few months of the grossly overpaid suit making his rounds. I greatly enjoyed saying goodbye to him, mostly because I no longer had to say hello.

Working from Home

We recently received a memo in Cube City about working from home and how a new policy will soon be enforced across all cubicles. In the meantime, we were told that instead of working from home whenever we please, we can now work from home two days or less per month.

I rarely work from my safe place, so this doesn't exactly crush my soul, but it pisses me off anyway. I don't have to regularly use a benefit to be angry when it is taken away. Of course, now that it's being taken away, working from home is all I can think about. Dragging myself into the office every day has become a chore. I've let this cubicle mandate get to me mentally.

What bothers me most is that there are a few people in Cube City who can't handle a benefit. So they abuse it and get it abolished for everybody else. It's like baggage from high school when my oldest brother totaled his car doing stupid things with his friends, which led my parents to decide that none of the other kids in the family would ever have cars of their own. I mean, if I'd had a car in high school, I would've gone places -- literally and figuratively -- and wouldn't be sitting here crying into the blogosphere.

All this new policy does is up the ante for figuring out how to work the system. Now people aren't going to tell you that they're working from home. They're just going to be mysteriously hard to find...because they won't be in Cube City. They'll be at home in their jammies, watching movies on Lifetime, catching up on laundry, and laughing their asses off at the people who are following the policy.

If you need me for anything today and I'm not at my desk, I'm probably just mysteriously hard to find. Check my fake meetings on my calendar for my whereabouts, and have a nice day.

Calendar Stalking

When things are uncertain in Cube City and you're always the last to know, you have to take matters into your own hands. A good way to accomplish this is through stalking important people's calendars.

Lately I've noticed that an important person in my world -- my manager -- is holding time for "individual conversations."

*GULP*

There's quite a bit of time blocked for these "individual conversations," and I just despise the vague and shady description, but at least it allows me to worry and burn up energy about something that could possibly pose no concerns in my world. I wouldn't be so suspicious if there wasn't an equally mysterious and highly unusual team meeting scheduled for Monday -- scheduled by my manager, no less.

*CHEST TIGHTENING*

I'm left with no other choice but to jump to conclusions. My conclusion is that my manager is leaving the company and is telling some people prior to the meeting by way of -- you guessed it -- individual conversations. Since I'm always the last to know, I don't expect to hear anything ahead of time...but at least I can prepare for the worst by arming myself with calendar-stalking activities.

If you happen to know what's going on, please stalk my calendar and schedule an individual conversation with me.

Somebody Doesn't Get It

We are still feeling the pinch from the recent round of layoffs in Cube City. Nonetheless, somebody had the nerve to ask what to do better for the next round of performance reviews in order to get the best possible raise.

Uh, okay, where do I start? I mean, what part of "the economy is in the shitter and you're lucky to have a job" do you not understand?

Somebody doesn't get it.

What's Cookin'

I've been asked to pick a day to bring a heart-healthy meal to a fellow cube dweller in Cube City. This cube dweller's spouse recently had a scary medical issue that has forced the whole family to re-evaluate their eating habits.

I'm sure I can come up with something, and I don't mind pitching in to help this family. But I worry about these things we do in Cube City that cross the lines of business. I mean, what if I make a dish that unintentionally sickens the family? What if the recipe doesn't turn out quite like it should? I'm sure the dish won't look like the picture in the recipe, as it never does. How perfect am I supposed to be in delivering on this gesture?

I've also received a request to contribute to a Thanksgiving potluck in Cube City. I don't know if I can cook something up twice in one month for business.

I'm really feeling the pressure of nice gestures lately, and I'm not sure where this is coming from. This feeling gets in the way of what is important. I guess I just need to stop thinking and start cooking. Anybody got a good heart-healthy recipe to share? And a Thanksgiving potluck recipe?

Baby Shower Dilemma

There's somebody in Cube City whose wife has a bun in the oven. The bun is toasting nicely and should be ready to pop out in less than a month. With this knowledge comes a lot of pressure about what to do with this information.

I'm not big on special events planning in Cube City and am not sure if I should suggest having a baby shower. It seems like the nice thing to do, but here's the quandary: Do I have enough energy right now to do something nice, and if so, will this gesture be appreciated or loathed by the male recipient? It could go either way.

If I decide to go ahead and do this, as the alternative would be to rudely ignore an important and special event in somebody's life, what comes next? Do I invite the mother-to-be, even though she's lucky enough not to work here? Should it be a surprise, or should I ask the father-to-be if I should even go to the trouble? Should I just ask a bunch of people in Cube City to hand over some cash and sign a card since I don't know where these people are registered, if anywhere? Should I buy a cake?

Oh, baby, it all just seems a little too overwhelming to me.

Maximize Your PTO

If there's one thing we can all agree on in Cube City, it's that there's never enough paid time off (PTO). We could have six months of PTO each year and still find ourselves desperate for a break.

But if you have a strategy for the optimum use of your PTO, you will survive. You might even thrive. I'm here to give you an early gift this holiday season. Here's how to get started:

1. Make a list of everyone that you work with regularly.
2. Rank the names from Step 1 in this order: Most hated teammates to least hated teammates.
3. Find out when your most hated teammates will be on vacation. You will want to be in the office when they're not, as you'll get paid for not having to put up with them. This is what we call "bonus vacation."
4. Plan your PTO when you know that your most hated teammates will be in the office. This will ensure maximum results in the utilization of your PTO.

There isn't enough time away from Cube City, but if you use this simple four-step PTO strategy, you'll get more bang for your PTO buck. This message has been brought to you by Burned-Out Blades, Inc. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a list and check it twice...

The Nightmare of Facebook

So much for basking in the time-sucking fetish of Facebook. It is time to move on. People from high school are finding me somehow, some way, and it just isn't fun anymore. In fact, they're all hounding me to take time off from Cube City to attend our 20-year reunion next summer.

I never thought I'd say this, but...Cube City is better than something. That's right. Cube City is better than high school. I say this as someone who loved high school. I had great classmates, great friends, great curricular and extra-curricular activities, and more.

But that was then, and this is now. Then, we were all young and stupid. Now, we're all old and stupid, and I just can't entertain lengthy conversations with these people. I see how old they look in the photos that they post, and I think that I must certainly look just as old to them. Most of them have kids, despite the fact that many of them shouldn't. Nobody knows you better than your past. Who needs this depressing nightmare that reminds us of our mortality?

I finally added my high school to my Facebook profile because the stalkers were finding me anyway. My strategy now is to just get this whole reuniting thing over with as soon as possible. I was hoping that my former classmates would realize that Classmates.com is for classmates who want to be found. But no. They will stalk you until they find you somehow, some way. They have turned Facebook into Yearbook. Bleh.

Cube Jockeys

If there's one thing I can't stand in Cube City, it's cube jockeys.

You know who they are. Cube jockeys are the ones who are always jockeying for something better -- a bigger cube, a window cube, an office, a bigger office, a bigger office with a window, a reserved parking space, a better reserved parking space...

If cube jockeys spent as much time and energy giving to the company as trying to weasel bigger and better things out of it, they might be a little less useless to us all. I'd love to take a whip and just beat the shit out of them until they actually complete some work that is deserving of a trip to the Winner's Circle. Until then, they're just extra weight that slows us down.

A New Day

It's a new day in the country. We have elected a new president. If only we could elect a new president in Cube City, we'd be on a roll.

I'm out of the office today, so that's it from here. May we all celebrate the changes to come in our country, no matter how we voted. I mean, the new president has got to be better than what we've had for eight long years, right?

Election Day

It's Election Day, and I'm sure that many cube dwellers will leave Cube City early to vote...even if they already voted early like me and just want an excuse to leave early. It's cool that most Cube Cities respect your civil duty and give you the space to vote on Election Day.

So...who's leaving early today, hmmm???

Are You Ready?

It's the day before the election that will change everything.

Are you ready for change? I am, but I have to get through two days of Cube City first.

It's amazing how people at work talk so openly about politics. That's what I love and hate most about smaller Cube Cities. There are no boundaries here. At a bigger Cube City, where there are these things called rules, you could get fired for revealing your political affiliation, let alone talking at length about it and why others should vote the same way that you're voting.

I don't mind that others are discussing politics in Cube City. It's their choice. But when it's clear that they're stupid and they want to show me how stupid they are, I'm completely appalled and uninterested in being pulled into their debates...because there's nothing to debate. I plan to smile and nod a lot for the next few days, and I hope I am just smiling on Wednesday.

Stay tuned to a Cube City near you.

Hiding the Crazy

I had never interviewed people before accepting my current gig in Cube City, and I have to say that the experience of interviewing prospective cube dwellers has been quite a self-esteem boost. There are some crazy people out there looking for jobs, no matter what the economic situation. They remind you of how employable you really are.

Most of us are really good at "hiding the crazy" for the first six months on the job, but a lot of interviewees can't make it past the first six seconds of the interview.

A friend sent me a resume for laughs recently, as her Cube City is hiring an executive assistant. Well, trying to hire an executive assistant. They've been actively interviewing candidates for at least two months. This particular resume proved that some job seekers can't even get interviews because their resumes are so whacked. There were a lot of things wrong with the resume, but one sparkling gem was a list of reasons for leaving each job. One reason had something to do with the distance of the commute, how this issue was discussed during the interview, and how the job "just didn't work out." How can you submit a resume like that and really think that you have a chance of getting a job? That's just...crazy!

This Halloween, I hope we can all hide the crazy with our costumes -- at least long enough to score some candy and savor the flavor of being employable.

Trick or Treat

So it's one week after the layoffs and we're having a Halloween party in Cube City.

How scary is that?

What's even more interesting is that, in this post-layoff environment, people suddenly seem to be wearing costumes. It's their attitudes, more than their clothes, that are dressed up in captivating disguises. Everybody just seems to be really nice to each other and very hard working right now...except for The Talker, of course...

The Talker, Part Deux

Not only am I obsessed with Facebook; I am obsessed with The Talker's stupidity here in Cube City.

As if The Talker's relentless personal phone calls aren't enough, she's also trying to pawn her work off on anyone who is enough of a sucker to see her as a victim.

She has been working with my team long enough to know what she's doing, but she prances around and says, "I'm sorry, I'm really new to all of this, so I need your help." Then she dumps her work in your lap and goes back to yapping on the phone with Suzy's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend.

She'll send me emails with the classic question of, "Does this make sense to you?" She must think that I'm as stupid as she is to fall for that one. Okay, I was stupid the first time she asked, but I caught on after it was obvious that she was wanting me to figure out her role for her -- something I couldn't and wouldn't do. I have enough on my plate without moonlighting for The Talker.

What amazes me is that her role is really pretty simple. It requires reading a client's email all the way through in order to figure out how to satisfy a request. I realize that it is probably too much to ask a person to read a paragraph or two in today's society, but...well...you see my point.

I'm just really sad for the smart, hard workers who were laid off when this particular fuckhead somehow made the cut. Somebody please hand me my scissors. I can at least cut her phone line.

The Talker

If you're on Facebook, which is my latest time-sucking fetish, you have seen my many manic status postings about my new cube neighbor. She is The Talker.

The Talker spends most of her day in Cube City yapping on the phone with her friends. Whether she's having boy problems or Suzy's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend can't believe her boyfriend wore plaid shorts in public, The Talker is on that phone giving and/or receiving personal counseling all day long. I just want to throw her phone out the window.

Others in Cube City have noticed The Talker too. What I can't understand is how The Talker can be so oblivious to cubicle etiquette, not to mention everything that has been going on lately with our armpit of an economy and layoffs. If you have half a brain and care about keeping your job, you don't make it obvious that you're fucking around on the company dime all day long.

I suppose I should just be thankful that The Talker and I aren't friends on Facebook. There isn't enough bandwidth in cyberspace for me to deal with her yapping face.

Important Bulletin from Scissor Girl

Greetings, fellow cube dwellers, and welcome to another glorious Monday.

Did that sound bubbly enough? Did I convince anyone with my grandiose attempt at exuberance?

Anyway, I'm just popping in briefly today to share a few words of wisdom. I have only a few words of wisdom in my blades, so pay close attention. Okay, here goes: If you expect Cube City to meet your expectations at any time in your life, you will find that you are very disappointed. It's just best to expect nothing from Cube City, no matter how big or small.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Friends

What is a person to do in Cube City amid complete and utter chaos?

In the midst of massive layoffs this week, I have actually thought about sending the President/Founder a friend request on Facebook -- like, thanks for being a friend and not laying me off. But we're really not friends, and I'm sad for my good friends who are out of work today...so I'll refrain.

It's hard to know what to say to my friends who aren't here anymore. Do I invite them out for beer, or do I just send them a virtual beer through Facebook? All I know for sure is that beer is necessary at a time like this.

A real friend is someone who is there for you, no matter what is going on in your life. Layoffs in this economy are business, not personal, but they feel personal all the same. You really can't be friends with your company's founder because business will always prevail.

I hope for better days and better times for all of us. I really wish we could all be friends.

Whew...

You know how you worry and fret for a few weeks, as the rumors fly irresponsibly throughout Cube City, and you finally get the truth?

Well, I finally got the truth as we know it, and I am drained...so I'll have to do this blog thing another day. I'm just glad that the truth fits my reality today.

Yankee Doodle Candy

If there's something I hate more than politics in Cube City, it's people who constantly fill their candy jars with sweet temptations.

I love candy. Don't get me wrong. What I hate is that these suppliers are so good at picking just the right candy to make you stick your head in the bowl and come up for air when it's all gone. Then they smile -- those fucking candy jar enablers -- and refill the bowl with a huge bag of the same stuff that they have magically pulled out of thin air. Gah!

At my last job, I worked with a woman who kept us all knee-deep in chocolate. Dark chocolate. I can't curb my enthusiasm when there's dark chocolate in Cube City. My diet goes out the window. I mean, let's face it. Work makes us unhappy. Candy makes us happy. We have to break even in Cube City.

I currently work with a guy who doesn't seem to mind that I take all of the Tootsie Rolls out of his candy jar every day. I wish he'd stop adding more. How do I get him to stop being so sweet...and hateful?

Star-Fangled Manor

What I hate most about working in Cube City is the politics.

Politics are everywhere in Cube City. They're much like the politics of our government:

• You can't believe anything that anyone says.
• You might win the popular vote, but you won't necessarily win anything.
• You work with a lot of people who have no idea what they're doing.
• You had better lie to people, telling them what they want to hear, if you expect to get ahead.

The difference is that you can't elect a new leader after four years in Cube City.

This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, but we're all chained to our desks and scared for our jobs. We need a new national anthem in Cube City.

You're Welcome

I used to work with a woman in Cube City who had old-school manners. Language, and one's proper usage of it, was of utmost importance in her world.

One day, she confided that she really dislikes it when she thanks someone for something and receives a response of, "No problem." She believes that by saying, "No problem," a person is really dehumanizing the act of give and take with the implication that a request for help is really more of a bother.

Obviously, she had a lot of time on her hands to think about this sort of thing.

I will spare you more examples of language that offended her. You really couldn't win in her world unless you'd been born and raised in her reality. No need to thank me for sparing you the details. You're welcome.

Feast or Famine

I've had some downtime in Cube City lately, which is not something I'm used to having around here. When I'm really busy, I am hating life because I'm off-the-charts busy. When I'm not really busy, I am hating life because I'm off-the-charts bored and have run out of ideas on what to Google.

Why is it always feast or famine in Cube City?

Worst Job Ever

I once worked in a huge Cube City that had its own cafeteria and lots of bored employees who spent their lunch hours chatting about the weak coffee and dirty flatware.

One day, we all sat around and talked about the worst jobs we'd ever had. The guy who brewed the Grade D plastic bag of ground taco meat at a popular fast food joint won the award for worst job ever. The way he discussed smelling like ground taco meat at all times was truly disgusting and award worthy.

What's your worst job ever? Please note: Your current job doesn't count. That's just way too easy.

Rain Check

Once upon a time in Cube City, I was new to Texas. I asked my native Texan boss if the summer would ever end, and he said, "Oh, yes. On October 15th, we always get rain and cooler weather. It is our official end of summer."

Sure enough, he was right. October 15th came, and with it came rain and cooler temperatures until spring.

For the next six years, I was amazed at the accuracy of his statement. He was better than any meteorologist on television, which actually isn't that big of a feat around these parts.

October 15th came and went for many rainy years, as did the number of jobs I had in Cube City. One year, in passing conversation with a fellow cube dweller, I mentioned how it would rain on the return date of his business trip and explained how I knew this. He thought I was pulling his leg, so he wrote it down in his day planner. On that fateful day, he called me from his departing airport to inform me that his flight was cancelled due to heavy thunderstorms. He was really spooked about October 15th from that point forward. I'm sure he'll never be the same on that day, and neither will you.

This summer hasn't exactly been characteristic of Texas, but beware of what you do today anyway and take an umbrella with you. You might need a rain check.

My Paper Boss

I used to work for a guy in Cube City who showed up on the org chart and nowhere else. He became otherwise known as my paper boss.

I remember the day I received word that I would start reporting to him. He showed me where he'd penciled me in on his org chart -- which bore a striking resemblance to an orphan document -- and said, "I just hope you don't see this reporting structure as fake, and I want you to come to me at any time for anything."

Right then and there, I knew what he meant:

1. The reporting structure was completely and utterly fake.
2. He would never be there for me at any time for anything.

I have to say that it's really nice to have a paper boss on a day-to-day basis, especially when that person really doesn't understand what you do and really doesn't serve a purpose in growing you professionally.

But it's really bad to have a paper boss on the day of your performance review because that person will sit there helplessly (if showing up at all) and say, as my paper boss said to me, "I have no idea what you do."

I like a boss who looks good on paper, but I also like a number on my paycheck that looks good on paper. I guess we can't have it all.

The Performance Feedback Meeting

I recently attended a mandatory performance feedback meeting in Cube City. Somebody's manager wanted to get a bunch of us in a room together to discuss complaints about one person's performance on the job.

On the inside, I was thrilled because I didn't really like this person and resented having to pick up the slack. Whenever I worked with this person, I felt an overwhelming sense of doom and dread. I just hated life when I knew that I had to work with this fucking idiot.

On the outside, I felt sorry for this person because Cube City is a very unforgiving place. We're all a bunch of pack animals, and getting us together to discuss one person is about as effective as throwing a steak in the middle of a group of starving cannibals and seeing what happens.

It never feels good to be responsible for somebody's livelihood, but it never feels good to try to save somebody who doesn't deserve saving either. Nobody wins in this game, but we all have to keep playing. All we can do is hope that we're always on the home team.

R.I.P., Legan

Cube City is closed today in loving memory of the best dog friend I ever had. I lost her a year ago today.

Thanks to all of the dear readers and friends who offered their support and condolences on my worst day. The loss still hurts a great deal today.

R.I.P., Legan
4/19/96-10/10/07

Time for Change

There's a charity collection box in Cube City right now that makes me pause. It is a request for loose change and supposedly benefits a charitable organization.

Since the economy is at its absolute worst, I can't help but wonder if Cube City is the charity in need of our loose change. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I wouldn't be surprised if we're donating money to pay ourselves.

This gives "time for change" a whole new meaning.

The Song of Cube City

You know how you listen to your favorite music and you get stuck on one song? You just can't get past that song? You play it over and over and over again until your mind is numb from the repetition...so you progress to the next song, albeit reluctantly?

I wish Cube City could be this pleasurable. But Cube City is all about mind-numbing repetition that is not music to our ears. We try to get past that first song, which lacks rhythm and harmony, but we are stuck spinning around on a broken record.

Stick a needle in me. I'm done.

Cube Q&A: Committees

Q: My boss asked me to be on a committee at work that addresses people's concerns in the company. Should I say yes?
A: You poor little innocent cube dweller. What you don't seem to realize is that you've already been volunteered and that you have no say in your participation. What follows, quite naturally, is that you will become yet another ineffective member of an ineffective committee in Cube City. You have fun now.

Your Confidentiality Agreement

This is a confidential piece of writing, even though you are allowed to read it without a password.

You do have the right to read it.

You do not have the right to talk to anyone about it or share it with anyone you know.

You don't even have the right to think about it after you've read it.

Because you don't even have the right to think about it, don't even think that you have the right to acknowledge that you've felt anything by reading it. Feeling anything by reading includes laughter, tears, fears, hiccups, burps, farts, and questions. This list of feelings and noises is not inclusive and should not be considered as such.

Just read, sign your rights away to Cube City, and shut up for your own protection.

______________________
Your Signature

Weed Control

When are we going to weed Cube City out so that the flowers can bloom and grow? Weeds are plants that just grow in the wrong place, and Cube City is infested with them. It seems like all we are doing right now is letting the weeds grow out of control. They are persistent, and it seems like we'll never see a healthy green lawn again.

I wish we would spend our time learning how to prevent weeds rather than trying to figure out how to kill them. But that's not how we fertilize Cube City. We use a bunch of manure instead and put up with the smell.

Static Cling

For the past few days in Cube City, there's been a strange development in the stairwell. Everything is status quo in the morning, but every afternoon there's a dryer sheet on the stairs. The dryer sheet is in the same place every afternoon, yet it's never there in the morning.

I don't get it. It's sort of like the Mystery Pooper. Who is dropping their dryer sheets in the stairwell and why?

I think somebody has a major problem with static cling...and we all know that if you're going to get static cling, you're going to get it in Cube City. I would like to know if this mystery person is having any success feeling clean, fresh, and wrinkle resistant due to all of the dryer sheets s/he is using.

Speak up, Static Free! Rub some of your positive wisdom off on those of us who are negatively charged.

Corporate Graffiti

If I started a corporate-related graffiti wall in the Cube City bathroom, I wonder what it would look like?

My guess is that a modern-day graffiti wall is now called a blog. Only the coolest Cube Cities are blogged about on a regular basis with racy language.

Still, I think it would be hilarious to write old-school graffiti on the bathroom wall.

What would you write on the bathroom wall in Cube City? I think I'd start with, "Yep, we are pissing our lives away here."

Writer Woes

What's the point of writing? People don't read what we write in Cube City, yet so much effort goes into planning, crafting, and launching the written word.

I used to write manuals like Tina the Technical Writer. What I learned over time was that people don't read manuals. They try to figure things out on their own. If they can't figure things out, they call the help line. To read the manual is a ludicrous idea and is not even considered a last resort.

My career is a waste of time. I'm sure someone has documented that factoid in a manual or on a website somewhere...not that anybody has ever read it or anything...

Problems Are Better Left Unsolved

I know someone who works in a Cube City that we've all heard of. This someone works in HR and recently told me something disturbing yet not surprising: Her boss doesn't want her to solve any problems.

Yes, that's right. There is no room in Cube City for people who bring solutions to the table.

I found it laughable yet troublesome that her boss actually told her to stop offering solutions to their department's problems. From the sounds of it, the solutions offered were sound and reasonable, but the boss just didn't want to hear them and didn't want others on the team to hear them either.

How does someone go down the path of thinking that solutions are a bad thing, let alone make a point to silence a solver who is just trying to help make things better?

This is just one of many Cube City problems that I can't solve, but at least I don't need my boss's permission.

Bad Hair Day

Cube City feels like a bad hair day right now.

It's making me feel flat, frizzy, and uninspired.

I guess I just need a weekend to condition and revitalize my roots. So many tangles...so little time to comb them out.

TGIF! I'm going to wash Cube City right out of my hair.

State of the Company

I have worked for many dumb asses in Cube City, but the dumbest of them all was the CEO of a company a few Cube Cities ago. He had a background in sales and that's really all he knew how to do...and he didn't do that very well. He sold the unsuspecting investors on keeping him at the helm year after year, even as product sales continued to dwindle. The investors didn't see him surfing ESPN and making multiple trips to Starbucks on a daily basis, so they were easily snowed.

At the end of the year, the dumb ass CEO always did the same oppressive things:

• Shut the company down for the last two weeks of the year (you had to use your own PTO, even if you didn't want to)
• Scheduled a low-budget, buy-your-own-drinks (even tea and cola) holiday party the third week of January so that people couldn't use their spouse's holiday party in December as an excuse to ditch
• Held a mandatory State of the Company meeting for all employees

At the State of the Company meeting, he always said the same things:

• "We've had a slow year, but end-of-year sales will hopefully pick up and sustain us like they usually do."
• "People are catching on about how great our product really is. Really."
• "We project $20 million in sales next year, even though we didn't meet our projected $10 million in sales this year."
• "We're in the black, but we're not out of the woods yet."
• "Because we're not out of the woods yet, there will be no holiday bonuses this year or raises next year."

I never believed anything positive he had to say, but I always scanned the room and was amazed to see the gullible wide-eyed nodders who believed what he sold. It made me sad.

I was always pretty sad that I didn't believe him. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to be sold. Instead I got wise and worked for as long as I felt like I was adding more value than negativity. That's the real price we pay in Cube City.

Fair Season

People ask me if I'm ready for the State Fair of Texas.

I tell them that Cube City has been excellent preparation for the fair.

I'm fried.

Socialization Needed

On Sunday morning, I took my new cube mate to her first private obedience lesson. The instructor was very upbeat and made the experience a lot of fun for us.

Though my new cube mate is very upbeat and fun in her own right, she is supposed to receive as much socialization over the next three weeks as possible. She needs to go to a new place every day and meet new people every day. After 12 weeks of age, socialization opportunities for puppies are gone.

This got me thinking about cube dwellers and their socialization skills. I wonder how many of them were stuck in their cribs by themselves for too long, only to move from cribs to cubes...especially the Sniffer. Perhaps if someone had waved cookies in front of their faces, praised them for things they had done correctly, and taken them out to meet and interact with a variety of kids, they'd have grown up to play better with the other children in Cube City.

I try to be tolerant of the neglected strays in Cube City, but it's tough. I get tired of trying to teach old dogs new tricks.

Cube Q&A: Communication

Q: Why can't a communications company in Cube City communicate?
A: Oh, dear cube dweller, it's cute that you believe any communications company is capable of communicating. You should know by now that it's unnecessary to announce promotions or people who are new to the team. It's likewise unnecessary to communicate about processes, performance, expectations, or deals won or lost. In Cube City, you're on your own. Figure it out. Let your confusion and bewilderment do the talking.

My New Cube Mate

My new cube mate has been in town for a week, and she's a treasure. She's studious, watchful, and loyal... She means well, even when she goes down the wrong path. I wish she wasn't so messy, but perhaps in time she'll clean up her act and be mindful of the various remnants of things that she leaves in my space. Right now, she seems sort of unconcerned...
I also like that she won't drop the ball when I need her to stay focused and play along: Don't you wish that everyone in Cube City could be like her?

Office Surplus

I'm obviously stuck on empty echoes in Cube City this week, but really...are you surprised?

I used to work in a Cube City that endured the whole drill of growing too fast, having massive layoffs, subleasing the office, and trying to grow again. (That last part didn't really happen. It was just a pipe dream. Note the emphasis on trying.)

The financial officer was actually a pretty savvy guy. He put a leash on the CEO's wallet, and there was no more lavish spending. The financial officer even scrutinized the empty echoes and decided that a surplus sale was in order. He gathered a collection of expensive and slightly used office chairs, file cabinets, and desks. He assigned prices to all items. Then he moved them into a room that we'd be subleasing to another Cube City the following week. It was in that room that the surplus sale took place. It was mayhem. The door opened and the cube dwellers flocked into the bargain bin to grab the nicest items they could find. I walked away with a really nice office chair for my house at a fraction of its retail cost.

I don't know how much the surplus sale did to help the company stay afloat. I figured the whole situation was a big red flag. So I went job shopping and found a new job to match my new chair.

Empty Echo

There are a lot of vacant cubicles in Cube City right now.

I've worked in many cursed Cube Cities. The same things seem to happen to all of them. We grow too fast, we have massive layoffs, and then we have too much office space and can't afford to drop our lease for a smaller and less expensive space. So we have this empty echo in the big empty building that constantly reminds us of the great devastation we've experienced.

You know Cube City is in trouble when you receive an email announcement about your office being subleased by another company...and then you see a lot of people you don't know who are walking around your Cube City like they own the place. You have to be nice to them too because their sublease is probably the reason you're still receiving a paycheck. It's just weird, and I've seen it happen too many times in too many companies.

Is there an echo in here?

Fire Drill

Last week in Cube City, we had a piercing fire drill. When I got outside, my first thought was to scan the crowd for my direct reports. We are ridiculously short staffed as it is, and I'll be damned if we lose anybody in a fire.

When it was clear that all of my direct reports had made it out alive, I started looking around. There were some really organized companies (read: not ours) taking roll call. They had group leaders who were wearing orange reflective vests and accounting for everyone's personal safety. They looked responsible. They looked like they cared about each other.

I used to work in a very large and established Cube City like that. It was organized mayhem. It makes you realize that you sometimes work for people who show that they care in ways you wouldn't ordinarily notice or appreciate -- like how they treat you during fire drills. I remember standing outside Cube City last week, listening to the piercing fire alarm and thinking, "This is nothing like my last job. Nobody would ever know or care if I didn't make it out. They'd just find another resource and move on. They can't even pretend that they care enough to account for us by name and face."

Somebody needs to light a fire under them, don't you think?

Clone Me

Why are some people in Cube City so stupid? I actually had to explain to a project manager that I couldn't possibly complete two 8-hour projects due in one day. I had to break it down for her:

• I am not two people.
• Since I am not two people, I can't do the work of two people.
• Even though I often do the work of two people, I still can't be in two places doing two different things that are due at the same time.
• Therefore, I can't help you with both projects. You'll have to find an additional helper.

I don't think she got the message, no matter how much I dumbed it down for her, which was the most depressing part of that interaction. My best guess is that she needed two people to deliver that information to her. To recap:

• I am not two people...
  

Tickled Pink

I'm taking the day off from Cube City. I'm driving up to Oklahoma today to get my new cube mate and bring her home. Here she is at five weeks of age:
And here she is last weekend with her biological family on a trip to PetsMart (upper left of cart, trying to figure out how to escape):
Her collar color is pink, which helps tell her apart from the other puppies in her litter. I'm tickled pink that I can bring her to work whenever I please.

Be on the lookout for this new arrival. Like any new cube dweller, she's going to need a lot of special attention and training.

Eerie Day

It's an eerie day in Cube City. It's one that makes you pause every year and think about staying home. You just never know what will happen.

It's a day when you think about where you were on this date in 2001. It's a day for remembering what we don't want to remember.

It's 9/11.

It's also a day to reflect on Cube City and how you're surrounded by terrorists no matter what the date on your calendar. You fear for your career and reputation. You wonder who's on the hit list and when bad things are going to happen. You hear people arguing about a project gone awry like it's the end of the world. People scare each other into working harder, longer, faster. What is Cube City coming to?

I hope that today is calm in Cube City and that people are good to each other. Life should be about making the world a better place, not about punishing people you perceive to be in a better place than you.

Peace.

I Don't Want to Go There

On Sunday night, my significant stapler and I went to a nearby coffeehouse to take in the java beans and live music. Right before the last song of the night, a bitter keyboardist told us a story about her day job in Cube City. She said that her boss, who was younger than she, had pissed her off. She just wanted to scream at her stupid young boss that she wouldn't be in Cube City forever. So she went home after work and wrote this song called, "Why'd I Go?" Most of the lyrics of that song repeated the words, "Why'd I Go?" So the song was aptly named, if nothing else.

The song reminded us of what we say before we leave the house every work day morning. We cry to each other, "I don't want to go there!"

But we end up going there anyway and wondering, "Why'd I go?" These are the notes we sing. Sometimes we're in tune and sometimes we're off key, but we keep on performing. The show must go on.

Tchotchkes

At my first job in Cube City, we were showered with trinkets or gifts on a regular basis. We also showered our customers, potential new customers, and former customers with trinkets.

We were totally into trinkets. The more useless and irrelevant they were to our business, the more we liked them. Just slap the logo on them and hand them out. Who cares if they actually make anybody remember our business or want to buy anything from us?

One day, the Director of Marketing came to me and said, "We need to brainstorm some new tchotchkes for the trade show."

Some new what?

I had no idea what "tchotchkes" were. I felt like I needed to call Joanie and tell her to go hide Chachi at once because the Director of Marketing wanted to mass-produce him and take him to the trade show.
The Director of Marketing seemed to enjoy explaining that tchotchkes were basically trinkets or gifts. So I updated my vocabulary and replaced the word "trinket" with "tchotchke." I started using "tchotchke" in a sentence as often as I possibly could. I also spelled it as often as I could to impress my unimpressed fellow cube dwellers. It was my tacky little gift to myself.

My Post-Cubicle Coma

I spent the majority of my Saturday on the sofa in a post-cubicle coma. I watched really bad TV and stumbled upon the pilot of a show called We Mean Business. I liked the concept of the show, which is about analyzing fledgling small businesses and taking action to turn them around. But the pilot episode focused on Berry Elegance, a poorly managed and decorated land of chocolate-covered strawberry decadence.

Chocolate-covered strawberries can change how you look at fruit, but they don't quite change the world. They don't cure cancer or prevent the extinction of polar bears. They don't contribute to world peace or solve the world hunger crisis. They won't get you out of debt, and they won't be the next fad diet that helps you lose 40 pounds in three weeks. Only the owners of Berry Elegance are going to be devastated if their business fails. So I felt that the show fell flat in the business selection process.

The show did focus on the real pressures of being an entrepreneur, from financial struggles to lack of personal time to do lame things like watch really bad TV shows. It was a berry good reminder of why I work in a cubicle in Cube City.

What Not to Say: Maddening Lingo

When playing with the other children in Cube City, here is some maddening lingo that you should not entertain or encourage:

• "We've got to make sure that this project is buttoned up." (Um, this project is most likely not a shirt.)
• "We've got to make sure that this requirement is baked in." (Um, this requirement is most likely not Betty Crocker cake mix.)

When playing with the other children in Cube City, we've got to make sure that we don't indulge in this maddening lingo. Please help me button this up to make sure it's baked in with our Cube City policies.

The Goodbye Email

You know how some cube dwellers can't wait to tell you that they've found another job...but when the time comes for them to say goodbye, they get all choked up and send mushy goodbye emails?

They just go on and on and on and on...

• "You've been the greatest team to work with. I will miss you all so much."
• "I take nothing but good memories with me as I walk out the door today."
• "I can't imagine how I'll ever have it this good again."
• "You all have made such a huge difference in my life. I will never be the same."
• "I wish I didn't have to go, but I have an opportunity that I simply cannot pass up."

It's just too much.

Of course, if you know the person really well and understand why they're leaving Cube City for greener pastures, you're probably going to appreciate the sentiments. But I tend to receive these special goodbye emails from people I've never met who can't even take the time to choose their special recipients wisely.

If done correctly, a goodbye email can be very special, sincere, and touching. But the things you hear over and over and over and over make you wonder if some people really mean what they say. I mean, these are people who are itching to leave Cube City, yet they turn around and tell you how wonderful things have been and how they don't want to leave?

I'll stop complaining now. You are probably tired of hearing me go on and on and on and on. But before I go, I just want you to know that I don't want to leave. However, I have an incredible opportunity to accomplish something outside of Blogger RIGHT NOW and cannot pass it up. So it is with fondness, special memories, and my deepest appreciation that I say thanks for the forum today and always. I love you all more than words can say.

Fare thee well,

Scissor Girl

Another Life

I often believe that this can't be my life. So I toy with the idea of getting a life...or just dream about another life entirely.

Let's say you could come back in another life and be something else. What would you be?

I would be an heiress to billions.

Wait. That was way too easy.

Okay, let's say you could come back in another life and do something else in Cube City. What would you do and why?

I'd want to tackle the obesity crisis in children or train guide dogs for people who need them -- something that would make my heart sing. Not that I wouldn't be singing from the heart if I had billions...

Georgia On My Mind

On holiday weekends, when I run screaming from Cube City, I always play the lottery. It never fails. I am too tempted by the ultimate dream of a permanent holiday weekend.

The problem is that I get emotionally involved when the ultimate dream doesn't come true.

Every blasted time.

Somebody in Georgia is not returning to Cube City today. Somebody in Georgia is giving Cube City the finger. Somebody in Georgia is freaking out about being the sole winner of a cool $132 million. That should have been me. I should have been freaking out, sipping Blue Hawaiians and searching for beachfront properties to purchase on Maui.

But no. Instead I am blogging the blues and returning to a pile of work.

Nonetheless, odds are good that I will continue to play the lottery. I will keep the ultimate dream alive. You can bet on it.

Cube Q&A: Copiers

Q: Why do people fuck up the copiers in Cube City?
A: Because people have to fuck things up. It's in them. If there's a fax machine to jam, by god, they're going to jam it. If there's a copier to break, they're going to break it. If there's a printer to jam or break or abandon -- because adding paper is apparently beneath them -- well...they're going to jam, break, and/or abandon it. Do you copy?

Cooling My Jets

I have returned from a successful business trip that allowed me to fly away from Cube City for a few days. Upon leaving the office for my flight, I felt instantaneous relief. The angry red sea of emails and requests was no longer my ship to sail.

One highlight of my trip was the return flight – and not just because I was coming home. A flight attendant said some wacky things while walking through the tiresome drill of safety features and procedures. One of her comments went something like this: “In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing in a moat on the way to our destination, you may use your seat cushion as a flotation advice. The seat cushion will be yours to keep. We won’t even charge you for it. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is probably the only thing we won’t charge you for.” When the flight attendant finished her consistently captivating commentary, the passengers applauded her. Had we not been buckled into our seats, we might have given her a standing ovation. I had never witnessed such a surreal event in my whole life. Or maybe I was just tired.

The flight attendant turned out to be serving the first-class passengers. I was not one of them, but I was three rows back in coach and had a good view of what was going on up there. What’s interesting about first class is how you look at those passengers while you struggle on board with your carry-on luggage and think, “These people are assholes.” You see them:

• Sitting comfortably, heads sinking comfortably into pillows.
• Enjoying a refreshing glass of water before the flight so that they are well hydrated.
• Cleansing their hands with hot moist towels before a delicious meal that won’t be served to you.
• Savoring warm salty nuts prior to their delicious meal.
• Sipping some attractive alcoholic beverages that just keep coming in fancy glasses.
• Chatting happily with the cool first-class flight attendant.

All of this before you get a Coke in a plastic cup.

I recently had the grand opportunity to sit in first class while on vacation. I enjoyed pre-flight hydration, warm salty nuts, and free-flowing alcohol. I didn’t see myself as an asshole, of course, but it’s funny how things change when you have the upper hand. You wish the flight attendant would hurry up and close the curtain. Just get those wretched coach people out of the way, please – and hurry! Tuck them away into their plastic cup beverage service where they belong.

I’m starting to come down from my business travel experience and am cooling my jets. I’d travel for work again. I do enjoy the change of pace now and then. So put me in, Coach. But please don’t put me in coach.

The Retirement Party

I used to work for an established company in Cube City.

It was one of those companies that everybody has heard of.

It was one of those companies where people go to work and never think of leaving. The benefits are that good. So they work there until they reach 30 years of employment or die, whichever comes first.

It was one of those companies that sucked the life right out of you. You might as well have been dead. To work there meant you had given up on achievement, learning, or being interested in anything at any time.

But if you did time for 30 years, you'd get a retirement party.

The company announced retirement parties through larger-than-life poster board signs outside the cafeteria and other common areas, complete with the retiree's hideous ID badge photo. The company was so large that a week never went by without at least one retirement party announcement. I attended only one retirement party in my two years at that company, and I attended only because I worked directly with the retiree.

It seemed a sad affair:

• Bad catered food
• Family members dressed to the nines
• Floral arrangements
• More photographic memories affixed to more poster board
• Handshakes
• Forced conversation

It really did seem more like a memorial service than a celebration.

Conspiracy Theory

In Cube City, everything is a conspiracy:

• When your boss shuts the door, it's you that s/he is talking about. Every time.
• When you see a private appointment on HR's calendar, somebody is going to get laid off.
• When your boss doesn't give you a performance review, it's because you are HR's private appointment.
• When you walk past a meeting room and see the accountants sitting with their heads in their hands, the company is going out of business.
• No cups in the kitchen? The company is in trouble.
• People keep resigning? The company is in trouble.
• Last-minute company-wide meeting? The company is in trouble.
• The office doors are locked? The company is in trouble.
• Paychecks are bouncing? The company is in trouble.
• Got a letter from your health insurance provider telling you that your policy is cancelled? You are in trouble.
• The boss is asking you for documentation on how you do your job? S/he is preparing paperwork for a buyout...or your pink slip...or somebody else's promotion...or...

Some conspiracies turn out to be true while others...well...the truth is out there, and you may or may not be privy to it. Things are not always as they seem. You can make yourself paranoid if you analyze everything going on in Cube City.

It's good to keep your eyes open, but don't lose sight of reality in Cube City...whatever that means. And if you don't know what that means, you might not align with the company's vision statement and should probably start updating your resume before that private appointment with HR.

Hot in the (Cube) City

Why is temperature regulation such a challenge in Cube City? During the regular work week, it's Ice Cube City. You could potentially die of frost bite year round. For those unfortunate enough to work the weekend, it's Hot in the (Cube) City.

I had to prepare some materials on Saturday for an upcoming business trip, and there was no air conditioning in Cube City.

In the middle of summer.

When it's 98 degrees in the shade.

It's already hell to be working on a Saturday, and now I've got to deal with temperature regulation issues? SERIOUSLY?!

I just don't get it. I'm sure the company saves money by cutting the air conditioning on the weekend, but why not turn the thermostat up during the regular work week so that we don't freeze to death? Why not turn the air conditioning off in the winter months and try, I don't know, turning the heat on?

The issue of temperature regulation in Cube City has left me cold throughout my career, so I figure it always will. I just can't let it go. It bothers me. And right now, the whole thing just makes me hot.

Supply Room Findings

It's amazing what you can find in the Cube City supply room. I often wonder who orders supplies and what direction, if any, they receive before choosing items and brands.

At my current gig, I've found all sorts of treasures, including boxes of tissues (those were the good ol' days) and feminine products. But the best finding so far has been a pair of scissors. You know that's what Scissor Girl works for most, and a good pair of scissors is hard to find. I recently visited the supply room for something specific and got distracted by a shipment of brand-new solar calculators...but they were sort of big and clunky. They were downright ugly, really. I wouldn't want to display one on my desk, let alone throw it into my Bye Box. I wonder if that sort of thing is a strategic move on the supply orderer's part? When thumbing through the office supply catalogs, I wonder if the orderers say to themselves, "Ooooh, what an ugly calculator. This is the brand I'll order for the office so that nobody will want to take them home."

If you've ever been in charge of ordering cheap crappy ballpoint pens, scissors, calculators, or other office goodies, please supply me with the method to the selection madness. I need to know how you calculate such decisions.

Quality Assurance Request

Calling All Cube Dwellers
Does anybody know why we can't send our Cube City leaders through Quality Assurance testing? It seems unfair to send them out for all the world to see when they're filled with bugs and glitches.

Cube City Olympics

Working in Cube City is like a sport:

• Running around (or away) is part of our daily routine.
• We're often spinning our wheels or cycling through ideas.
• Swimming in our work is not unusual.
• Balls are often involved.

With the Summer Olympics in full swing, I find myself wishing that we could win medals for the competition we face in Cube City. You might call me an Olympic hopeful. There would be a lot of false starts here, and probably a lot of doping, but the chance to receive a prestigious award for our achievements would be golden.

Cube Q&A: Incessant Emailers

Q: Why do some people clog my inbox with 70927405 emails?
A: Some people don't seem to know what's important beyond hearing themselves type. These people are otherwise known as incessant emailers. They will compose and send an email for every thought they're having at every moment they're having one. Incessant emailers fail to realize how their actions make them total assholes who create extra work for themselves and everyone in their recipient list. They send so many emails that you begin to lose the sense of urgency because it becomes impossible to discern what is truly important. If I could send incessant emailers to the Delete folder, I would.

Yum Yum Bubble Gum

I used to work with a womanizer in Cube City who would say all sorts of suggestive things to me. He was a sexual harassment case waiting to happen, but I never felt bothered or threatened by his comments. He seemed pretty harmless.

One of his most memorable comments was in response to a fuchsia pink button-down shirt that I wore to work one day. As I walked down the hall, I heard him say, "Yum yum, bubble gum! I want to chew you UP."

You have to give it to him, cube dwellers. He was creative...and that shirt really did resemble the color of bubble gum. Pardon the self love here, but it was a good color for me, so I can see how I might have been chewable in it. To have lectured him on what not to say about apparel (or anything else, really) would have been a waste of time.

Feel free to agree with me. There's no need to burst my bubble.

What Not to Say: Apparel

Welcome to the first installment of What Not to Say in Cube City.

When a cube dweller wears something out of the ordinary to work, keep your mouth shut. Don’t go there. JUST DON'T GO THERE. It’s that simple.

Example: If a cube dweller suddenly wears a black suit to Cube City but ordinarily wears business casual clothing or blue jeans, here’s what not to say:

“Nice black suit, Cube Dweller. Are you going to a funeral today or something?”

The answer to that question is most obviously yes, is directed most likely toward a grieving person, and makes you look like a thoughtless dumb ass incapable of thinking before speaking.

Dare to wear black. Dare not to say anything about peculiar cube apparel.

I Go With My Gut

Contrary to common sense, I’m not interviewing for jobs right now. The vivid memories of some job interviews haunt me into a rare world of blinded contentedness in Cube City.

I once interviewed for a job that was clearly not a good fit. For one thing, the job description sounded much more engaging in writing than in the interview. In fact, the job sounded entirely different in the interview. The interviewer didn’t even seem to notice, upon being quizzed, that there was such a discrepancy between the two. I don’t even want to begin entertaining how such a thing is possible.

The good news was that I didn’t have to endure a bullshit Human Resources screening. The bad news was that the oblivious interviewer would be my manager if we mutually agreed to the situation.

I recall having a less-than-stimulating conversation with the interviewer and how I spent a lot more time interviewing her than being interviewed. She told me about her farm, her horses, and her 1.34-hour commute each way. When I asked her how she selected candidates, she squinted and nodded as she replied, “I usually go with my gut.”

I found Guts to be very difficult to read, but not in an intriguing way. I even questioned to myself if she had a gut. When I finished interviewing Guts, I thanked her and lied about my continued interest in the position. I think she was interested in me, but I really couldn’t tell. I had no intention of taking the job, even if her gut led her to offer it to me, but I didn’t want to close any doors right away.

Well, that feeling was fleeting, and I actually sent a rejection thank-you letter to Guts later that day. I realized that I wasn’t as desperate for a new job as I’d thought. It’s interesting how a really bad interview can make you feel grateful for your present misery in Cube City. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut.

This Can't Be My Life

I have just returned to Cube City from a beautiful place. It’s called vacation. I couldn’t be more depressed...and it’s not even Timesheet Monday!

Vacation is supposed to rejuvenate us, but really it’s a cruel and stark wake-up call about misery and all that is evil and wrong in the world.

Just one week ago, I was wrapping up some work, cleaning off my desk, feeling excited and smug as I waved farewell to the suckers left behind in Cube City.

Today it’s over. It’s all over. It’s about work. It’s about insanity. It’s about performance reviews, email backlog, fires, deadlines, and frantic requests from people who have missed me only because they’ve lacked resources. It’s about complete lack of memory regarding where I left off. It's about complete lack of sympathy from people who are in a hurry and don’t much care that I have a severe amount of catching up to do. It’s about being a sucker.

I need a survival plan, but I really don’t know what that looks like in Cube City. If you do know, please enlighten me. I could use a vacation from my vacation right now.

Another Out-of-Office Auto Reply

I am currently out of the office. I am cooling off in Alaska while you're dealing with heated deadlines and clients as cold as glaciers. I will return to Cube City on August 13th, only because I plan to blow a bunch of cash that I haven't yet earned on fine art and fresh seafood. If you think that I am going to check email or voicemail while I'm gone, you can think again. I'll be experiencing plenty of wildlife on my trip as it is.

The Day the Doors Were Locked

It became clear that Cube City was cursed by my employment after the Pay Day 5k at one job and another minor detail at a different job...

The day the doors were locked.

I went to work one morning to find that my ID badge didn't work. Other cube dwellers trickled into work as I stood alone by the front door, only to join me when they discovered that their ID badges didn't work either. My manager became very irritated while waiting and decided to inquire with the building management office. She learned that Cube City was closed because our company was three lease payments behind. The doors would not open until the company paid all of the rent.

I had always heard stories about how you can open a locked door with a credit card, but wow...I had never before taken those stories so literally.

Anyway, my manager sent me home, where -- you know the drill -- I updated my resume and started searching for jobs.

Cube City reopened the next day, and it was business as usual. But it was yet another sign that just because you turn the key to a different Cube City door doesn't mean that it will look any different on the other side...assuming the key even works, of course.

On the Run

At one of the many Cube Cities cursed by my employment, I learned an important lesson.

In Cube City, you are always on the run.

In this particular case, it was a run to the bank every pay day. The company didn't have direct deposit and distributed paychecks to us twice per month. After six months on the job, the paychecks started bouncing.

At first, I thought perhaps there was a glitch in the system. I was relatively new to Cube City and didn't really understand that a bouncing paycheck usually isn't accidental. After about three bouncing paychecks, I started to catch on. I updated my resume, starting applying for jobs, and made sure I was at my desk when paychecks were passed out. I would avoid bathroom and lunch breaks on pay day to ensure my availability since the paycheck distributor insisted on personally handing your hot check to you.

That's when the running began. My fellow cube dwellers and I had discovered that there was enough money in the bank each pay period for about three of the 20 employees to deposit checks without consequence. So we all tended to dash to the bank as soon as we received our checks. If it had been a real running race, I would've called it the Pay Day 5k since my bank was about three miles away from Cube City. I had to practice a few times to get it right and often felt like I was running uphill against faster people. I eventually found my stride. I think I won the race one time, and it's really sad to feel victorious about that. But when you're on the run, you have to keep your eye on the finish line and hope that your hard training pays off.

We all received reimbursements for non-sufficient fund charges, but we lived one paycheck behind while the company tried to catch up. That was hard on those of us who were just starting out in Cube City.

I developed some strong leg muscles because of the bouncing paycheck experience. But like any race, the Pay Day 5k had to end. I was tired. I had to run away from that company in order to collect all of my earned winnings and prevent serious injury. So I opted for a lower-impact job that wouldn't give me as much of a run for my money.