Cube Q&A: Copiers

Q: Why do people fuck up the copiers in Cube City?
A: Because people have to fuck things up. It's in them. If there's a fax machine to jam, by god, they're going to jam it. If there's a copier to break, they're going to break it. If there's a printer to jam or break or abandon -- because adding paper is apparently beneath them -- well...they're going to jam, break, and/or abandon it. Do you copy?

Cooling My Jets

I have returned from a successful business trip that allowed me to fly away from Cube City for a few days. Upon leaving the office for my flight, I felt instantaneous relief. The angry red sea of emails and requests was no longer my ship to sail.

One highlight of my trip was the return flight – and not just because I was coming home. A flight attendant said some wacky things while walking through the tiresome drill of safety features and procedures. One of her comments went something like this: “In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing in a moat on the way to our destination, you may use your seat cushion as a flotation advice. The seat cushion will be yours to keep. We won’t even charge you for it. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is probably the only thing we won’t charge you for.” When the flight attendant finished her consistently captivating commentary, the passengers applauded her. Had we not been buckled into our seats, we might have given her a standing ovation. I had never witnessed such a surreal event in my whole life. Or maybe I was just tired.

The flight attendant turned out to be serving the first-class passengers. I was not one of them, but I was three rows back in coach and had a good view of what was going on up there. What’s interesting about first class is how you look at those passengers while you struggle on board with your carry-on luggage and think, “These people are assholes.” You see them:

• Sitting comfortably, heads sinking comfortably into pillows.
• Enjoying a refreshing glass of water before the flight so that they are well hydrated.
• Cleansing their hands with hot moist towels before a delicious meal that won’t be served to you.
• Savoring warm salty nuts prior to their delicious meal.
• Sipping some attractive alcoholic beverages that just keep coming in fancy glasses.
• Chatting happily with the cool first-class flight attendant.

All of this before you get a Coke in a plastic cup.

I recently had the grand opportunity to sit in first class while on vacation. I enjoyed pre-flight hydration, warm salty nuts, and free-flowing alcohol. I didn’t see myself as an asshole, of course, but it’s funny how things change when you have the upper hand. You wish the flight attendant would hurry up and close the curtain. Just get those wretched coach people out of the way, please – and hurry! Tuck them away into their plastic cup beverage service where they belong.

I’m starting to come down from my business travel experience and am cooling my jets. I’d travel for work again. I do enjoy the change of pace now and then. So put me in, Coach. But please don’t put me in coach.

The Retirement Party

I used to work for an established company in Cube City.

It was one of those companies that everybody has heard of.

It was one of those companies where people go to work and never think of leaving. The benefits are that good. So they work there until they reach 30 years of employment or die, whichever comes first.

It was one of those companies that sucked the life right out of you. You might as well have been dead. To work there meant you had given up on achievement, learning, or being interested in anything at any time.

But if you did time for 30 years, you'd get a retirement party.

The company announced retirement parties through larger-than-life poster board signs outside the cafeteria and other common areas, complete with the retiree's hideous ID badge photo. The company was so large that a week never went by without at least one retirement party announcement. I attended only one retirement party in my two years at that company, and I attended only because I worked directly with the retiree.

It seemed a sad affair:

• Bad catered food
• Family members dressed to the nines
• Floral arrangements
• More photographic memories affixed to more poster board
• Handshakes
• Forced conversation

It really did seem more like a memorial service than a celebration.

Conspiracy Theory

In Cube City, everything is a conspiracy:

• When your boss shuts the door, it's you that s/he is talking about. Every time.
• When you see a private appointment on HR's calendar, somebody is going to get laid off.
• When your boss doesn't give you a performance review, it's because you are HR's private appointment.
• When you walk past a meeting room and see the accountants sitting with their heads in their hands, the company is going out of business.
• No cups in the kitchen? The company is in trouble.
• People keep resigning? The company is in trouble.
• Last-minute company-wide meeting? The company is in trouble.
• The office doors are locked? The company is in trouble.
• Paychecks are bouncing? The company is in trouble.
• Got a letter from your health insurance provider telling you that your policy is cancelled? You are in trouble.
• The boss is asking you for documentation on how you do your job? S/he is preparing paperwork for a buyout...or your pink slip...or somebody else's promotion...or...

Some conspiracies turn out to be true while others...well...the truth is out there, and you may or may not be privy to it. Things are not always as they seem. You can make yourself paranoid if you analyze everything going on in Cube City.

It's good to keep your eyes open, but don't lose sight of reality in Cube City...whatever that means. And if you don't know what that means, you might not align with the company's vision statement and should probably start updating your resume before that private appointment with HR.

Hot in the (Cube) City

Why is temperature regulation such a challenge in Cube City? During the regular work week, it's Ice Cube City. You could potentially die of frost bite year round. For those unfortunate enough to work the weekend, it's Hot in the (Cube) City.

I had to prepare some materials on Saturday for an upcoming business trip, and there was no air conditioning in Cube City.

In the middle of summer.

When it's 98 degrees in the shade.

It's already hell to be working on a Saturday, and now I've got to deal with temperature regulation issues? SERIOUSLY?!

I just don't get it. I'm sure the company saves money by cutting the air conditioning on the weekend, but why not turn the thermostat up during the regular work week so that we don't freeze to death? Why not turn the air conditioning off in the winter months and try, I don't know, turning the heat on?

The issue of temperature regulation in Cube City has left me cold throughout my career, so I figure it always will. I just can't let it go. It bothers me. And right now, the whole thing just makes me hot.

Supply Room Findings

It's amazing what you can find in the Cube City supply room. I often wonder who orders supplies and what direction, if any, they receive before choosing items and brands.

At my current gig, I've found all sorts of treasures, including boxes of tissues (those were the good ol' days) and feminine products. But the best finding so far has been a pair of scissors. You know that's what Scissor Girl works for most, and a good pair of scissors is hard to find. I recently visited the supply room for something specific and got distracted by a shipment of brand-new solar calculators...but they were sort of big and clunky. They were downright ugly, really. I wouldn't want to display one on my desk, let alone throw it into my Bye Box. I wonder if that sort of thing is a strategic move on the supply orderer's part? When thumbing through the office supply catalogs, I wonder if the orderers say to themselves, "Ooooh, what an ugly calculator. This is the brand I'll order for the office so that nobody will want to take them home."

If you've ever been in charge of ordering cheap crappy ballpoint pens, scissors, calculators, or other office goodies, please supply me with the method to the selection madness. I need to know how you calculate such decisions.

Quality Assurance Request

Calling All Cube Dwellers
Does anybody know why we can't send our Cube City leaders through Quality Assurance testing? It seems unfair to send them out for all the world to see when they're filled with bugs and glitches.

Cube City Olympics

Working in Cube City is like a sport:

• Running around (or away) is part of our daily routine.
• We're often spinning our wheels or cycling through ideas.
• Swimming in our work is not unusual.
• Balls are often involved.

With the Summer Olympics in full swing, I find myself wishing that we could win medals for the competition we face in Cube City. You might call me an Olympic hopeful. There would be a lot of false starts here, and probably a lot of doping, but the chance to receive a prestigious award for our achievements would be golden.

Cube Q&A: Incessant Emailers

Q: Why do some people clog my inbox with 70927405 emails?
A: Some people don't seem to know what's important beyond hearing themselves type. These people are otherwise known as incessant emailers. They will compose and send an email for every thought they're having at every moment they're having one. Incessant emailers fail to realize how their actions make them total assholes who create extra work for themselves and everyone in their recipient list. They send so many emails that you begin to lose the sense of urgency because it becomes impossible to discern what is truly important. If I could send incessant emailers to the Delete folder, I would.

Yum Yum Bubble Gum

I used to work with a womanizer in Cube City who would say all sorts of suggestive things to me. He was a sexual harassment case waiting to happen, but I never felt bothered or threatened by his comments. He seemed pretty harmless.

One of his most memorable comments was in response to a fuchsia pink button-down shirt that I wore to work one day. As I walked down the hall, I heard him say, "Yum yum, bubble gum! I want to chew you UP."

You have to give it to him, cube dwellers. He was creative...and that shirt really did resemble the color of bubble gum. Pardon the self love here, but it was a good color for me, so I can see how I might have been chewable in it. To have lectured him on what not to say about apparel (or anything else, really) would have been a waste of time.

Feel free to agree with me. There's no need to burst my bubble.

What Not to Say: Apparel

Welcome to the first installment of What Not to Say in Cube City.

When a cube dweller wears something out of the ordinary to work, keep your mouth shut. Don’t go there. JUST DON'T GO THERE. It’s that simple.

Example: If a cube dweller suddenly wears a black suit to Cube City but ordinarily wears business casual clothing or blue jeans, here’s what not to say:

“Nice black suit, Cube Dweller. Are you going to a funeral today or something?”

The answer to that question is most obviously yes, is directed most likely toward a grieving person, and makes you look like a thoughtless dumb ass incapable of thinking before speaking.

Dare to wear black. Dare not to say anything about peculiar cube apparel.

I Go With My Gut

Contrary to common sense, I’m not interviewing for jobs right now. The vivid memories of some job interviews haunt me into a rare world of blinded contentedness in Cube City.

I once interviewed for a job that was clearly not a good fit. For one thing, the job description sounded much more engaging in writing than in the interview. In fact, the job sounded entirely different in the interview. The interviewer didn’t even seem to notice, upon being quizzed, that there was such a discrepancy between the two. I don’t even want to begin entertaining how such a thing is possible.

The good news was that I didn’t have to endure a bullshit Human Resources screening. The bad news was that the oblivious interviewer would be my manager if we mutually agreed to the situation.

I recall having a less-than-stimulating conversation with the interviewer and how I spent a lot more time interviewing her than being interviewed. She told me about her farm, her horses, and her 1.34-hour commute each way. When I asked her how she selected candidates, she squinted and nodded as she replied, “I usually go with my gut.”

I found Guts to be very difficult to read, but not in an intriguing way. I even questioned to myself if she had a gut. When I finished interviewing Guts, I thanked her and lied about my continued interest in the position. I think she was interested in me, but I really couldn’t tell. I had no intention of taking the job, even if her gut led her to offer it to me, but I didn’t want to close any doors right away.

Well, that feeling was fleeting, and I actually sent a rejection thank-you letter to Guts later that day. I realized that I wasn’t as desperate for a new job as I’d thought. It’s interesting how a really bad interview can make you feel grateful for your present misery in Cube City. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut.

This Can't Be My Life

I have just returned to Cube City from a beautiful place. It’s called vacation. I couldn’t be more depressed...and it’s not even Timesheet Monday!

Vacation is supposed to rejuvenate us, but really it’s a cruel and stark wake-up call about misery and all that is evil and wrong in the world.

Just one week ago, I was wrapping up some work, cleaning off my desk, feeling excited and smug as I waved farewell to the suckers left behind in Cube City.

Today it’s over. It’s all over. It’s about work. It’s about insanity. It’s about performance reviews, email backlog, fires, deadlines, and frantic requests from people who have missed me only because they’ve lacked resources. It’s about complete lack of memory regarding where I left off. It's about complete lack of sympathy from people who are in a hurry and don’t much care that I have a severe amount of catching up to do. It’s about being a sucker.

I need a survival plan, but I really don’t know what that looks like in Cube City. If you do know, please enlighten me. I could use a vacation from my vacation right now.

Another Out-of-Office Auto Reply

I am currently out of the office. I am cooling off in Alaska while you're dealing with heated deadlines and clients as cold as glaciers. I will return to Cube City on August 13th, only because I plan to blow a bunch of cash that I haven't yet earned on fine art and fresh seafood. If you think that I am going to check email or voicemail while I'm gone, you can think again. I'll be experiencing plenty of wildlife on my trip as it is.

The Day the Doors Were Locked

It became clear that Cube City was cursed by my employment after the Pay Day 5k at one job and another minor detail at a different job...

The day the doors were locked.

I went to work one morning to find that my ID badge didn't work. Other cube dwellers trickled into work as I stood alone by the front door, only to join me when they discovered that their ID badges didn't work either. My manager became very irritated while waiting and decided to inquire with the building management office. She learned that Cube City was closed because our company was three lease payments behind. The doors would not open until the company paid all of the rent.

I had always heard stories about how you can open a locked door with a credit card, but wow...I had never before taken those stories so literally.

Anyway, my manager sent me home, where -- you know the drill -- I updated my resume and started searching for jobs.

Cube City reopened the next day, and it was business as usual. But it was yet another sign that just because you turn the key to a different Cube City door doesn't mean that it will look any different on the other side...assuming the key even works, of course.

On the Run

At one of the many Cube Cities cursed by my employment, I learned an important lesson.

In Cube City, you are always on the run.

In this particular case, it was a run to the bank every pay day. The company didn't have direct deposit and distributed paychecks to us twice per month. After six months on the job, the paychecks started bouncing.

At first, I thought perhaps there was a glitch in the system. I was relatively new to Cube City and didn't really understand that a bouncing paycheck usually isn't accidental. After about three bouncing paychecks, I started to catch on. I updated my resume, starting applying for jobs, and made sure I was at my desk when paychecks were passed out. I would avoid bathroom and lunch breaks on pay day to ensure my availability since the paycheck distributor insisted on personally handing your hot check to you.

That's when the running began. My fellow cube dwellers and I had discovered that there was enough money in the bank each pay period for about three of the 20 employees to deposit checks without consequence. So we all tended to dash to the bank as soon as we received our checks. If it had been a real running race, I would've called it the Pay Day 5k since my bank was about three miles away from Cube City. I had to practice a few times to get it right and often felt like I was running uphill against faster people. I eventually found my stride. I think I won the race one time, and it's really sad to feel victorious about that. But when you're on the run, you have to keep your eye on the finish line and hope that your hard training pays off.

We all received reimbursements for non-sufficient fund charges, but we lived one paycheck behind while the company tried to catch up. That was hard on those of us who were just starting out in Cube City.

I developed some strong leg muscles because of the bouncing paycheck experience. But like any race, the Pay Day 5k had to end. I was tired. I had to run away from that company in order to collect all of my earned winnings and prevent serious injury. So I opted for a lower-impact job that wouldn't give me as much of a run for my money.

Digging Through the Rubble

I was sitting in a meeting yesterday with the Texas Tornado, who was trying to blow me off the cinder blocks of my Cube City mobile home. As we sat in that meeting and discussed resources with a large group of people -- something that never works for a variety of reasons too damaging to list -- I noticed that the Texas Tornado was furiously banging on the keyboard of her laptop. She was whispering while typing, like she was unable to silently form the words in her head and had to at least mouth them in order to write them out.

A few moments after the violent keyboard banging subsided, an email from the Texas Tornado whirled into my inbox. The email was filled with forceful hot air about how a project had gone terribly wrong and was all my fault, even though I had nothing to do with it.

I didn't see this storm coming and hadn't been alerted to signs of a potential hazard, but then it's hard to predict a natural disaster in Cube City. What's more irritating is that the Texas Tornado was sitting right next to me and chose to send the email instead of talking to me like a human being. I guess when you're a tornado, you're not interested in clearing the air.

You can't outrun the Texas Tornado, but you can make preparations to take cover and limit the damage. So I got my insurance coverage in order by forwarding the email to my advisor with some policy change requests. I'm sure the storm won't blow over easily, but at least I know how to cover my head. I just resent having to dig through the rubble to figure out what happened, only to find that the Texas Tornado caused all the damage and expected me to pay for it. That type of dirt doesn't fly in Cube City.