Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Getting Pissed

Yesterday was crazy in Cube City. CRAZY! It started with me digging out from 40 emails I received overnight -- and by "emails," I mean a pissing match between two team members. Why two team members were pissing on each other and copying me on emails they were sending at 2:30 AM is beyond crazy.

But it's always interesting to hear what each person has to say.

Pissy Person #1: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because she's providing feedback on things that were due two weeks ago. If you can't keep up, that's not my problem. I've had it. I just had to tell her that this is done and over with, you know? She sends way too many emails after the fact.

Pissy Person #2: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because I've been stretched too thin. I've been traveling or I've been in planning meetings, and I've just now had time to dig out of my inbox. I always start with my project managers first because they send me the most emails. I had 11 emails from one of them and then 107 -- 107, Scissor Girl! -- from Pissy Person #1. Pissy Person #1 sends way too many emails.

What happens in pissing matches like this is that nobody can solve anything. By the time each pissy person has relieved themselves, everything is all watered down. It sort of pisses me off because I'm drowning in email threads, trying to separate the pissing from the real work I need to do. If I had the time, interest, and credentials to do a thorough urinalysis, you'd be calling me Dr. Scissor Girl, and I'd be working for a whole lot more than scissors.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Don't (Always) Fear the Reaper

Yesterday in Cube City, my neighbor's phone rang, and I heard her gasp. She collected herself and then answered the phone.

When she hung up, she said, "Whew. That scared me!"

When she told me who called, and it turned out to be the guy in HR who fires people, I replied, "That poor guy. He's the Reaper. Nobody wants to associate with him!"

Luckily, the Reaper wasn't calling to deliver fearful news, but it's hard to change how you feel about someone who can punt you out the door. At least we have caller ID so that we can see him coming.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Would You Like Some Cheese With Your Whine?

Note to cube dwellers: Your boss doesn't care and doesn't want to hear about it, so shut your pie hole.

The one thing that bothers me about being a boss is when people act like spoiled brats. It's amazing how direct reports in Cube City will whine when you lean in and pretend like you're listening to them.

I'll listen to someone who has a good point and is clearly being taken advantage of. I also think I'm pretty good at protecting the people who report to me when necessary. But when somebody has to travel once or twice a year, or occasionally has to work nights and/or weekends, I don't want to hear about it. We all do it. None of us like it. The difference is that some of us know when to shut our pie hole about it.

Maybe it's a generation gap, but I can't believe how some younger people in Cube City just don't seem to know how to suck it up now and then. To me, if something is the exception rather than the rule, you suck it up. But I hear about EVERY little thing...

"I just wanted you to know that I have to work tonight. I'm not happy about it."

"It looks like I'll be working this weekend. I'm not happy about having to spend my free time working. I thought you should know."

"I've been told that I have to do an overnight business trip next month. I guess that means I have to spend the night in a hotel? I'm not looking forward to being away from my family for a night."

Seriously? Srsly. Suck. It. Up. What do you really expect me to say or do about it?

I would never dream of informing my boss that I have to work tonight; I'd just suck it up and do it! Maybe that makes me a sucker, but I think it's cheesy to whine when you've got it pretty good.

Damn, I'm old.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The 30-Minute Answer

How much time should elapse between a question and an answer in Cube City? A few days ago, I sat down with a prospective candidate who would be in another office and probably wouldn't even be someone I'd have any contact with at all. So I'm really not sure why I was told to talk to her. And when I say "talk to her," I mean "listen to her."

OMG. The woman could talk. I wondered if she was nervous or just jacked up from being in Cube City for an all-day interview. It was hard to ask questions because she could not seem to figure out how to wrap up her answers. I found our 30 minutes together to be a bit exhausting.

At the end of our visit, she took a breath and asked, "Do you have any other questions for me?" I wanted to point out that I had asked one question 30 minutes previously and had been listening to her answer ever since, but I refrained and got the hell out of there. That's what I'm talking about.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fakebook

I need to break out of Cube City and break into the social media business. If I were to break out, I'd create Fakebook, a place where we could all secretly go to post things we'd never dare on our real Facebook pages.

On Fakebook, we would not have to Friend our parents, bosses, or the Texas Tornado. Fakebook would be a place where we could truly say what's on our minds without worrying about someone minding. We could be fans of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus without judgment. (Note: Example is for illustrative purposes only and does not reflect the musical taste or opinions of Scissor Girl.) My niece could post her underage drinking photos without me having to witness the train wreck that is her life. It would be total greatness for us to be ourselves under the guise of a Fakebook.

But Facebook is here to stay. So keep your face on -- especially in Cube City, where the illusion of truth is preferred and encouraged.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cube Q&A: NoDoz on Wheat, Hold the Cheese

Q: Is it okay for my Cube City deli to sell NoDoz when they supposedly specialize in sandwiches?

A: Dear cube dweller, wake up and smell the salami! You need to understand that there are many cube dwellers out there who lack brain activity. Having a brain stimulant on hand, such as NoDoz, might help save projects and jobs that would otherwise be put to sleep.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Toodle-loo

Yesterday in Cube City, I was listening to a few nearby cube dwellers chatting excitedly about the weather and an approaching cold front. I decided to visit a local news site to read more on the subject. Once I got there, I was instantly distracted by a hilarious banner ad for Sprint. The first line of copy read, "Toodle-loo, T-Mobile." I found myself wanting to click on that banner ad, even though I'm perfectly happy with my mobile phone service...or perhaps too lazy to make a switch.

I found myself wishing I could write fun copy like that, but no. Instead, I write about side effects of a drug, focus on one product instead of slamming another, and make sure that I don't promise results, satisfaction, or success of any kind. What am I gonna do, write, "Toodle-loo to your fetus if you're pregnant or decide to become pregnant while taking this drug?" No freakin' way!

So I guess I'll live vicariously through the writers who can get away with using silly phrases and just say toodle-loo to that perk in my own line of work.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Crumby People

Last Friday in Cube City, I attended a meeting in a conference room after a bunch of pigs had apparently slopped around in there. I was trying to concentrate on the meeting topic but found myself immersed in my disgust of the various cooties left behind on the conference room table, including but not limited to:
  • Salt and/or sugar granules
  • Bread crumbs from bagels, cookies, cakes, and Lord knows what else
  • Greasy finger smears

I couldn't even place my laptop on the table without considerable grief. I even tried to wipe a section of the table clean with some left-behind napkins so that I could become one with the table, but salt and sugar granules are like white on rice. Good luck getting rid of them.

Why are people so crumby?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Cube Q&A: Qualified Leads

Q: I just saw a question scribbled on the Cube City whiteboard that read, "What is a qualified lead?" Should I be worried?

A: Chances are, nobody is qualified enough to know what a qualified lead is. As a general rule, you should always be worried in Cube City.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

No ShihT

I love dogs. I still love the Shih Tzu in Cube City. But lately, her barking has become a bit excessive and annoying. I don't know how her owner lives with that behavior. I used to find it cute, and that's what is wrong with cuteness of any kind. It wears off. The good news is that I no longer want to put the little ShihT in my pocket and take her home.

I'll give the owner credit. I don't think she believes that the barking is cute. She wants to know what to do to solve the problem. But little ShihTs like her puppy are tough to train. They have strong personalities and tiny bladders -- a deadly combination when you're trying to discipline them.

I won't say anything to anyone about the barking because, really, I can live with it and am just being cranky today. I just don't want to see our dogs-at-work privilege taken away. It's hard to know when to say something to preserve a privilege vs. keep quiet so as not to make any Shiht hit the fan. If I could just get ShihT-faced right now, everything would be better.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Smart Water

I don't like drinking from the water cooler in Cube City. I have severe problems getting past the cooty factor. I used to work with a guy who would jam the nozzle of his germy used water bottle up into the spout of the water cooler while refilling it. This routine procedure was routinely horrifying to watch. The water, which came through a filtering system that probably never received clean filters, just tasted weird -- a sure-fire sign that it was tainted in some way.

These days, I tend to bring my own drinks to Cube City. It's just an easier way of life for a germaphobe like me.

Today, I am drinking Smart Water. I'll let you know if it ever kicks in.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Lightening Up

Work has recently picked up in Cube City. But when my workload was light, I started putting my energy into other things, like climbing the stairs from the parking garage to my desk instead of taking the elevator. Every morning, I would walk past my main project manager's desk near the stairwell, and he'd hear me huffing and puffing. No matter how many times I took those blasted stairs, I was always out of breath. Ugh.

One day, as I huffed and puffed up the stairs and passed by his office, he said, "Hey! Taking the stairs has worked. You're lighter!" Then he started cackling hysterically because, well, I guess he thought he was being funny. Unfortunately, I think he was talking about my workload rather than the physical benefits of taking the stairs. I didn't find his remark funny. I guess I have more lightening up to do.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dodgeboss

There's an old game in Cube City with a new name: Dodgeboss. No, you don't get to hurl bosses through the air in hopes of knocking your fellow cube dwellers down (though that is a spectacular concept, indeed).

No, it's about avoiding your boss at all costs. Dodge the boss. I don't make a habit of dodging my boss, but I get a weird feeling when I see my boss coming into, or going out of, Cube City. I've had a number of bosses who care way too much about where you are and what you're doing every moment of every day. I guess I've accumulated baggage from most, if not all, of my other Cube Cities.

I saw my boss in the parking garage the other day. I was leaving when all was fair game, as office hours were officially over. However, my instincts took over and I started playing Dodgeboss. I exited one door while my boss entered another. I found myself wondering if she'd turn around and see me on my way to having a life. So I ducked behind a cement pillar and then walked behind a tall line of trucks, peeking between cars to assess my boss's whereabouts. Once she entered the door and it closed behind her, I slunk over to my car and got in. I was safe. I had won a game of Dodgeboss.

It's crazy, the games we play in Cube City. I'm just glad I was able to get the hell out of dodge that day.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Sanity Seminar, Part 2

I'm off to a follow-up sanity seminar tomorrow, my dear cube dwellers. It seems I just didn't grasp the materials the first time around. Therefore, I must take a day off from Cube City to see if I can get it right this time. I'll report back to you on Timesheet Monday.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Delaying the Outlook

I find that Outlook calendar reminders are sometimes helpful but often a nuisance in Cube City. As I delve deeper and deeper into my old lady years, I have to remind myself of everything from cube dweller birthdays to the smallest of tasks -- like verifying that the information on a spreadsheet is correct.

Lately, I've been snoozing calendar reminders for tasks that seem less urgent in my world. I'll snooze them for up to two weeks, which is the maximum snooze time allowed by Outlook.

If I'm not going to take a moment to verify information on a spreadsheet this week, chances are I shouldn't keep reminding myself to do it at all. It gets to the point where I snooze my reminders for so long that seeing them pop up every two weeks for a year gets really annoying. Of course, by the time a year goes by, the information I need to verify on the spreadsheet has probably changed. The outlook for completion of snoozed tasks is not looking good.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A Golden Meltdown

The other day, a guy in Cube City came to me and said, "I want to get off this brand. I'm tired of working with certain people on the team, and I'm going to throw myself into my other work."

I sat there in an early-morning daze as my fellow cube dweller ranted. I thought about happy things, like caffeine, new car smell, and puppies.

My cube dweller continued ranting. He said, "I wish I could work with Golden Boy. I've heard great things about Golden Boy." (Note: Golden Boy's name has been changed to preserve his glorified reputation.) My cube dweller proceeded to tell me that he'd never get to work with Golden Boy and stated all the reasons why their career paths would never cross.

I let my ranting cube dweller believe that Golden Boy was all that. I wasn't going to tell him that I had scientific proof of Golden Boy's psychotic tendencies. My only interaction with Golden Boy was when he had a meltdown about not meeting an unrealistic deadline. I remember Golden Boy throwing a fit about not having enough people to get the work done and wailing, with clenched fists waving in the air, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!"

Whenever I cross paths with Golden Boy in the hallowed halls of Cube City, it is his meltdown that I remember. I hear him crying, "THIS IS WHAT THE COMPANY HAS GIVEN US!" The memories I have of this boy are certainly golden.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Surviving the Drought

Have we really made it to Labor Day weekend? It's been a long haul in Cube City. I'm always amazed at the company-paid holiday drought. If you can survive from Independence Day to Labor Day, and then from Labor Day to Thanksgiving, you're golden. Trying to survive from New Year's to Memorial Day is the absolute worst.

The thing is, most company-paid holidays are just one day out of a week, so I'm not sure why we look forward to them so much. I'm grateful for them, don't get me wrong, but I think we build them up to be more in our minds than they really are.

In any case, the drought is over. Happy Labor Day weekend.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

An Important Matter of Unimportance

I recently received a scare in my Cube City inbox. As we all know, I'm not important here, so anything that could indicate otherwise is cause for alarm.

I received an invitation from the CEO of my current Cube City for a really big client meeting. Well, okay, so the invitation was from his assistant, but it was his name that appeared on the invitation in my inbox.

I had immediate flashbacks to the days when I was the CEO's bitch in another Cube City. No way will I go through that again -- not without kicking and screaming first, anyway.

I made the long walk to my boss's office, knocked on her door, and asked if there was anything she'd like to tell me about a really big client meeting with the CEO. Sure enough, the invitation was meant for someone else, and I was reassured that I'm not important here.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Please Pitch My Photos

Last week in Cube City, I had to go to our in-house photo studio (I use the term "photo studio" loosely here). The devil made me do it. I was told that our business development team needed photos of a few cube dwellers for some pitch work, and I was one of those dwellers.

When I showed up at the photo studio, I stepped onto this white platform with a white background and instantly knew that I was doomed. You don't put a pasty white girl up against a white background if you have any knowledge of photography at all. But whatever. The photographer (I use the term "photographer" loosely here) had me turning my feet, body, head, and/or eyes in various directions, and I just felt stupid and awkward the whole damned time. I was really glad when the photographer told me that we were done and I could leave. My jaw hurt from fake smiling, and my ears hurt from listening to her say fake things like, "Great!" and "Perfect!"

Later that day, the photographer sent me a file path to my digital photos. I was supposed to pick 3 to 5 of the best photos (I use the term "best photos" loosely here) from the bunch.

OMG. There must have been at least 30 horrible, fuzzy, weird-ass photos of my pasty white head turned in a bunch of horrible, fuzzy, weird-ass directions against that blasted pasty white background. I forced myself to pick 4 photos for the photographer to use, despite hating all of them, because I didn't want somebody else picking the best of the worst to use at their own discretion (I use the term "discretion" loosely here).

I really hope nobody ends up using these photos if they actually expect us to win this business pitch. Instead, I think they should pitch the photos in the trash and let our work paint the picture.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Just Another Donut Monday?

Yesterday morning, closer to the lunch hour than breakfast, I received a company-wide email with the subject line of, "It's Just Another Donut Monday." My Cube City was offering donuts to all cube dwellers to help jump-start our Monday.

The only problem I had was with the email's subject line, which implied that this is a regular Monday thing. It's not. In fact, I believe this is the only time we've ever received an email about free donuts, whether on a Monday or otherwise.

The whole thing made me wish it was just another cinnamon roll Sunday.