The New Girl

There's a new girl in Cube City, and it shows. Due to the craptastic and seemingly bottomless recession, few people have left the company, and even fewer have joined.

But one who has recently joined is stunningly incompetent. With all the joblessness in this country, you'd think we could at least get a solid candidate in the door. Not so. The new girl doesn't have any idea what she's doing, and I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard. Her boss says to give her 6 to 9 months to learn the ropes.

I'm fine with giving someone time to learn, and I'm also fine with helping them along the way. It's when they don't know basic information, like the order of events they are supposed to be organizing so that we all get our work done on time, that I think, "This person spent a lot more time lying and selling herself in the interview than in learning the ropes once she got hired."

It's important to raise the flag in Cube City to save yourself because perceptions can change very quickly. The new girl is supposed to set up meetings and keep projects on track, but she acts like she has no idea what to do. So here's what happens. I miss meetings and people figure I'm too busy to attend. Uh, no, I was never invited and therefore was unaware that the meeting was taking place. So once I realize that I'm out of the loop, there's a two-hour meeting to get me up to speed on what I missed. Another example? A project is delayed for weeks, and I'm told not to start until someone gives me the green light. Then suddenly, on a Wednesday, the new girl says, "Hey, just looking to see where you are with this project because it's due tomorrow." WHUT?!!!

Luckily, a lot of people have had the same issues with the new girl. Otherwise, they'd think my work is slipping because of me, not because of her.

I hope to survive the new girl's learning curve. I hope she survives too because instead of teaching her the ropes, I'd like to strangle her with them. I've worked weekends to meet deadlines I didn't know about until the last minute...because of her. I've sacrificed vacation days to make up for her mistakes. And she doesn't even seem to be learning from her mistakes! It just makes me mad!

I suppose her being the new girl makes me the old girl, but I'm fine with that. It's the one time I'm okay with being old. New is not necessarily shiny or better.

He Who Thinks No Thoughts

Lately, I've been working "with" the guy otherwise known as Anywhere But Here, and it's been challenging because, well, he's anywhere but here. Such is life sometimes in Cube City.

Luckily, I've also been working with an intelligent cube dweller who's had to deal with Anywhere But Here, and we've helped each other guess what he wants us to do. The intelligent cube dweller shared some pretty cool and relevant videos with me in hopes that they might spark some ideas for our project. She sent the video links to me through email and copied Anywhere But Here on the thread.

A few hours later, I noticed that Anywhere But Here was posting familiar, if not verbatim, quotes from those videos as his Facebook status! It was rather shocking and enlightening to see that he directly lifts his insights from other people's work. That's plagiarism!

It's amazing how perceptions can change in an instant. All this time, I thought he had interesting things to say about the marketplace. Now all I see is a criminal who can't think of his own thoughts. It's alarming.

This is just one example of why I choose to be blissfully unaware of most things in Cube City. I become really irritated when I accidentally become aware of the truth. I'm just glad that I am not Anywhere But Here.

Anywhere But Here

I work with a guy in Cube City who is always missing in action.

Meetings? He shows up the first time and disappears for the remaining series of meetings...even though he's leading the project.

Conference calls? He doesn't dial in.

Emails? He doesn't respond.

He's supposed to be a leader who provides critical direction and feedback, but he does none of these things. Even his boss seems to support him by saying, "Sorry, but he can't be here today due to some personal stuff."

He always has personal stuff getting in the way! Don't we all? Separation of personal stuff and work, please. It must be nice to be grossly overpaid for being anywhere but here.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Two weeks ago, I recommended the perfect person for a project in Cube City. I was bombarded with panic-stricken but vague feedback -- news I couldn't use, basically.

"Not her!"

"I'm not sure she's the right fit."

"I have concerns."

I stood up for the person I recommended. I knew she was the one who could pull it off. I had absolutely no concerns about her taking the project and kicking major ass. So I didn't budge. She was the solution, and the doubters were just going to have to learn that they were the problem.

One week later, I received an email from someone on the project who couldn't say enough nice things about her. Finally, someone had lifted their finger from the panic button. Suddenly, the rollercoaster had stopped going up and down at lightning speed, and people were calm. The emailer said, "I know we all had concerns about her, but she's done an amazing job that has really pleased the client. I'm wowed by what she did with this in such a short amount of time!"

The emailer had copied the whole team of panic-stricken people on this positive message, but I replied only to the sender. I hate it when people generalize how the whole team feels when one person (that's me) clearly felt and stated otherwise. I replied, "Remember, I never had concerns about her. I knew she was the perfect fit and am so glad she made the client happy! Thanks for taking the time to give her a shout out and for supporting her along the way so that she could shine!" Kill 'em with kindness. I'm going to Disneyland.

Okay, so I'm feeling a little smug, but I just get so tired of the bullshit. I get so tired of how perception affects so many people in Cube City, and how I can't feel empowered because a bunch of boobs have to have a say about everything -- especially the things and people they know nothing about. This isn't Six Flags, where more flags equal more fun. People need to stop raising flags and start having more fun. At the very least, they need to grow up and give feedback that supports their concerns. If they can't do that one simple thing, it's time to get on board, buckle up, and prepare for a safe but enjoyable ride.

Time to Make the Doughnuts

Why are Mondays in Cube City so hard?

I work with a rather mentally and emotionally unstable man who just posted this on Facebook: "I love Mondays. They represent hope and renewal."

Okay, here are my problems with his statement:

1. As previously mentioned, he's mentally and emotionally unstable.
2. He's not even coming to work today. He's out on "personal business" (which, by the way, is where he usually is instead of being at work).
3. Doesn't he have Mondays confused with Fridays?

I guess it's time to make the doughnuts, even though I already feel fried enough as it is.

The Caveman

There is a guy in Cube City who's letting his hair grow out -- both on his head and on his face. His hair is so long all over that he actually combs his bangs back. His beard is shaggy and simply unkempt. He sort of looks like a caveman.

I don't know him well at all, so I can't tell him that he looks prehistoric. But I think those who do know him should enlighten him on the benefits of a makeover. He's a better looking man than that.

An updated look, especially for guys, is so easy. Even a caveman can do it.

The Breakthrough That Broke

Well, cube dwellers, His & Hers decided to pay a visit to Cube City yesterday. They gave us half a business day's notice and expected us to juggle our calendars to meet with them.

It was the longest day of my life.

They wanted to spend a few hours with us, in person instead of by phone, to tell us about a breakthrough they'd had during a long plane flight together. They said they had figured out what their company really was and what they wanted it to be. They also said they wanted to start promptly at 8:30.

My fellow cube dwellers and I busted our tails to get to the office on time, on a Monday, only to wait for 45 minutes or more for them to show up. (I think it was more and I just lost count after 45 minutes.) I felt like I was waiting for a doctor's appointment. A rectal exam, maybe. Yeah, that's it.

Once they finally showed up and hugged all of us (gross...and he smelled like he had slept in his clothes), they sat down and started bickering at each other. Seems like old times. It was clear that they had not had a breakthrough of any kind. He told her that she was making him crazy because he thought they were in agreement on things, and she was siding with us lowly cube dwellers -- you know, the ad agency they'd hired to help them out with this stuff? Maybe he was finally clarifying what he wanted, even though what he wanted was a really bad user experience.

We spent the day getting nowhere but pretending like we'd gotten somewhere, which was something we could have easily accomplished by phone. It's probably the typical client experience, but I have to say that a rectal exam would have been less painful and a lot more productive.

His & Hers

I'm working with an annoying husband-wife client team in Cube City these days, and I sometimes wonder why I ever volunteered to be a part of this "special" project. Clearly, I was duped.

What's most annoying about this couple is that, despite constant bickering, they refer to each other as "TL."

That's short for True Love.

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? I thought so.

Here's how a sample conference call might go with the dynamic duo.

Him: I don't like the rounded corners of the callouts. They seem too soft for what we're trying to communicate. TL, what do you think?

Her: Actually, I think the soft, rounded corners really deliver the message that what people do with our product is up to them. It's their choice, and we'll stand by them. If we were to design these callouts with hard, squared-off edges, I think people would be offended, TL. I don't think they'd click on the callouts to continue their journey, and then we'd all be in a very sad, dark place.

I could go on and on, cube dwellers, but I think you get the picture. These people are smoking something good -- well, good for them and bad for us. They're so indecisive and yet simultaneously decisive. I think they're from outer space. As long as they don't moon me with their true love, it's possible I might survive this project.

Cube Q&A: Conference Call Hangups

Q: What should I do when I'm on a conference call in Cube City and an angry client hangs up on me?

A: Dearest cube dweller, don't dwell on this. Who cares if the call ended on a sour note? It ended! You just got a little piece of your life back. This is a call for celebration.

Ferrari Hats Only

There's a guy in Cube City who appears to be grossly overpaid because he drives a Ferrari. Every day, he wears a baseball cap with the Ferrari symbol on it. I mean it. Every. Day. I've never seen what he looks like without that hat. I guess he really loves his Ferrari.

A cube dweller who knows him well said that he often leaves his Ferrari in our office parking garage because it doesn't run very well. In fact, he has to get the clutch -- or some other equally important part, I can't remember -- replaced. Why is he stalling on that? Because the repair will cost $15K.

WTFerrari is up with that?! I guess he really loves his car -- like, more than a person. Or he was dropped on his head as a baby.

I once walked by his office and saw a post-it note that read, "Ferrari Hats Only." I'm pretty sure he didn't write that himself and someone was mocking him -- all the more reason to love the people I work with, even the ones who've been dropped on their heads. There's a hat for that.

Morning Sickness

Well, this is a first: To be in the Cube City ladies' room with someone who has morning sickness. Ew.

I've been drinking more water lately, so I've been making more frequent appearances in the ladies' room. Lately, there's been a sickly cube dweller in there with me.

At first, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I heard sickness, thought how I would feel in that situation (I'd want to be left alone, but it feels wrong to ignore a sick person), and got out of there as quickly as possible. I was a baby about it.

Last week, the sickly person ran into the ladies' room as I was leaving and almost ran me over. She actually stopped for a second, eyes watering and hand covering mouth, to say, "I'm sorry! I have morning sickness. But this is between you and me. I'm not ready to tell anyone yet." Then she ran into a stall and went about her business.

If this is a secret, and she's not ready to tell anyone, why did she tell me why she's sick? She could have said she just doesn't feel well or has some mysterious form of cooties. So now I have this secret I can't share, but at least I can stop worrying and wondering about her.

I suppose morning sickness plagues us all one way or another in Cube City. I don't think you have to be pregnant to have a reason to throw up in the corporate bathroom. I'm just sayin'.

To Purge or Not to Purge?

Everything has its price, and this includes Working for Scissors.

Every September, I seem to start purging things. I get on a roll. I show no mercy.

I haven't worn these jeans in six months? GONE.

I've passed over this shirt for two weeks? GONE.

I never use the land line phone anymore. Hellooooo? GOODBYE.

My ability to purge without looking back is something that my significant stapler (a pack rat) cannot put into theory, let alone practice. Some of us are more sentimental than others.

When it comes to this Working for Scissors blog, I've been at it long enough to consider purging it too. However, there are limits to my purging.

I'm not on a big hunt for extra money or anything, but I figure why keep this thing around that I rarely use anymore? (It's the purger in me.)

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy this blog...when I'm in the mood. I just figure it would be interesting to see what else I could do with (or without) it.

Long ago, I looked into how to increase traffic to my blog, how to make money off my blog, and more. But what recently caught my attention was the idea of SELLING the blog.

That was before I saw what it was worth, though.

Use this tool to see how much your own blog is worth. If I know you, and I know your blog URL, chances are that I've checked your blog's worth and have come up with the same number as mine: a whopping $564.54. That's before taxes, for you accounting junkies out there.

I believe our thoughts are worth more than $564.54 before taxes, don't you?! So I guess this tool is bogus, but it still makes me wonder what I could do to turn my blog into something worth buying. Cube City needs to be good for something, you know?

I guess I will hold on to my blog for a while because it's not like the thing is taking up precious closet space or anything. Perhaps I'm more sentimental than I thought.

The Douche and the Paper Boy

As predicted in a previous blog entry, my Paper Boss is back in Cube City. Reportedly, he starts today. It took 9 months -- much longer than I had anticipated or suspected, the amount of time it takes to make a baby -- but it still feels good to be right.

My suspicions rose a few weeks ago, when a total douche at this company left a random "Smooch" comment on my Paper Boss's Facebook page. I hate people who have secrets and don't know what to do with them, so they do something totally lame like kissing someone over the interwebs. It's like they're saying, "I just found out about you and wanted you to know that I know, even though I can't talk about it, which is stupid because everybody knows I can't be trusted to keep secrets, and I'm sorry I never paid any attention to you the whole time you were gone...but now that you're coming back, I am suddenly interested in being your devoted friend again -- at work and on Facebook."

It should be interesting to have my Paper Boss around again, mostly because he's returning in a new role that will probably suit his skills and personality better. It seems that way on paper, anyway. I have my suspicions about why he isn't returning to my side of the business, but I probably shouldn't go there. So I won't. Unlike the douche, I can keep secrets, even the ones that are based only on my suspicions.

A Little SAD Lunch Commentary

Summer is almost over, which means Scissor Girl needs to get serious, put down the pizza, and lose a few pounds before seasonal affective disorder (SAD) takes over.

Since most meetings in Cube City occur over the lunch hour, you're pretty much screwed if you didn't pack a lunch. But I lucked out today, and a 90-minute meeting ended almost 90 minutes early. That rarely happens! Who has ever heard of an 11-minute meeting? This meeting miracle won't last or recur, I'm sure, so I'll just bask in it today.

Here's where Subway, the sandwich chain, comes in. I hate Subway. It's close to my office, it reeks of bread (a smell that actually repulses me, but only in a Subway), and I feel like it's a healthier option than most fast-food restaurants. Today, I really wanted crap food, but I forced myself to go to Subway.

When I arrived at Subway, I parked next to a car with the windows rolled down. The driver was reclining in the driver's seat, and he appeared to be napping. I don't know why or how you'd nap next to a noisy highway in 90-degree weather, but I assumed he was a sad cube dweller who needed a brief escape from reality/consciousness. Or maybe the smelly bread from Subway made him pass out. Too many carbs are never a good thing. I guess I'll never know the real story with that guy, but the truth is usually a lot more depressing than my imagination -- hard to believe, I know.

As I pulled out of the Subway parking lot with my healthy sandwich in hand, I couldn't help but wonder just how healthy Subway really is. I mean, food service is a very scary industry, and all the sandwich toppings at Subway are lined up in a row. Who knows how long they've been sitting out? Who knows how many flies have landed on the food? A potluck at work, laced with inevitable botulism, might be safer than Subway.

I think I'll go back to Subway, park my car there, roll the windows down, and take a nap. This stinky bread is making me pre-SAD.

My Birthday Is Over

Well, it was fun to get an early birthday gift in Cube City, but it should come as no surprise that all good things come to an end.

Today, I will meet a candidate to replace the mean lady who should have been fired but ended up leaving on her own terms. (Yes, the injustice of how that whole thing went down still kind of totally irks me.)

I know nothing about the new candidate except that she's not from the Northeast -- and that's a start.

What I do know is that this position doesn't need to be refilled. It didn't need to be filled in the first place. But as we all know, Scissor Girl is not an important person. What this means today is that Scissor Girl isn't important enough to spend company funds that don't need to be spent. We must have a VP shortage around here or something because people seem to be on a mission to fill this unnecessary position.

All I can say is that I hope the person we end up hiring isn't totally insecure. That alone would be the gift that keeps on giving.

Attrition Saves!

Did you know that attrition in Cube City is like Jesus in church?

I recently attended a staff meeting during which the number cruncher basically announced that we met our profit margin due to employee attrition.

WWJD with this news? I feel like I should go pray for more people to leave so that we can be profitable next period.

It's My Birthday!

We interrupt this hiatus to bring you an important message from Scissor Girl.

Hello, my precious cube dwellers! It's my birthday! Well, okay, it's not my actual date of birth. It's not even my Cube City birthday. But it's sort of like a combination of my birthday and a Cube City celebration.

Why, you ask? Because one of the few people I don't like or respect is leaving Cube City. On her own. I was sort of totally hoping she'd be fired, as she sort of totally deserved it, but she beat her boss to the punch. I'm sort of totally disappointed about that part of the story, but I'm so excited about the end result that I'll try to overlook it.

I tried very hard to work with her so that she would understand the full story, and I think I made a little bit of progress with her. But ultimately, a backstabber like her is a backstabber for life, even among long-term colleagues. She was someone I could sort of totally never trust. What's worse is that I had to psych myself up before every meeting I had with her -- and even before every email I read from her. That's just insane!

My real birthday is coming up, so now I'm going to celebrate that I don't have to waste my one wish on her. It has already come true. Happy Birthday to me! What's your work-related birthday wish?

The Seasonal Hiatus

Okay, this is weird: I told my significant stapler that I'm tired of blogging about Cube City. We discussed the hiatus I took in January of last year. I don't know if this is an annual tradition or what, but I'm ready for another. The weird part? I'm ready for a hiatus on the exact same date as last year! I don't know what it is about 1/26 that makes me run away, screaming for a break. All I know is that the feeling is upon me once again. So I'll bid adieu -- perhaps for a short time or perhaps forever. I guess it's just time to think outside the cube.

The Full Story

I'm sort of working with a backstabber in Cube City right now, and I'm sort of totally unhappy about it.

I think the worst part is that the backstabber doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she is being helpful, but really, she's not taking the time to get to the core of the problem before offering her backstabbing solution.

I'm trying to cut her some slack because she's new around here...and it shows. Backstabbers don't typically have long lifespans in this Cube City. We like positive people who can keep the "I want to kill you all and then myself" attitude to themselves.

I just find it odd that some people enter a new Cube City and immediately act like they own the place. I'd feel better if the backstabber was younger, as I think maturity in the workplace comes with a lot of work experience...but the backstabber isn't young, so what the heck are we in for around here?

I hope it's that we just don't understand each other or the challenges we are facing yet. When people tell me bad things, I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to gain perspective. I know that every story has multiple sides. But the backstabber seems to pull a sentence out of the story and blame it on the closest or most convenient character she can find before she's read the whole book.

I need to find ways to communicate with the backstabber, and it's going to be interesting. My hope is that I can provide a sense of calm and rational thinking that wears off on her. If not, this protagonist is going to remain sort of totally unhappy until The End comes for the antagonist. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Day Labor

I think we all know just how much Scissor Girl despises the weekly staffing meeting in Cube City and everything it stands for. But recently, I spoke with a fellow cube dweller about how to solve the staffing issues once and for all, and I think she's got the right solution to this problem.

Since we can never seem to get the right amount of people staffed for the right amount of time in any given week, we should have a Day Laborer room. Here's how it works:

1. If/when you finish working on a staffed project and you have some downtime, you go to the Day Laborer room and wait.
2. Project managers who need day laborers for any given task will stop in throughout the day to see who's available. If you're qualified to do the day labor that's needed, you'll go earn your keep doing the new work that just came available.

Sure, in Texas -- where true day laborers are on every corner, looking for work -- this approach might seem a little tacky, but I have to say that it's probably the only approach that would ever work in this particular Cube City.

Letters to Scissor Girl

DEAR SCISSOR GIRL: I'm having a hard time in Cube City right now. There's this really creepy lady with a chip on her shoulder who wants to be my boss, but she doesn't know anything and isn't management material...oh, yeah, and I already have a boss. I had a dream about the really creepy lady last night. We met to discuss my performance review at her office, which was located in a police station. Should I be worried? -- HANDCUFFED IN HADES

DEAR HANDCUFFED: It seems criminal that you even have to worry about this sort of thing. If you're worried, it might be time for a self check. Pat yourself down and make sure there are no explosives or other weapons hidden on your person. If the personal pat-down reveals nothing, then stop being so paranoid. Don't let people have control over you. It's time that you let yourself have control over others -- or at least control over yourself. The only time you should be worried is if this really creepy lady is sporting a badge and whistle while approaching you with a nightstick, at which point you should run like you stole something.

Too Many Cooks

I was on a call yesterday in Cube City that involved too many cooks. The meeting leader asked about 75 different people to present various parts of a 33-slide presentation, and it was just a cluster. (Okay, so it was more like 7 people, but still!) We spent more time introducing ourselves to the client than we did presenting our respective slides. I just don't understand why meeting leaders can't lead their meetings. Why make it more complicated for everyone? Let's have one or two cooks in the kitchen with everyone else spicing up the recipe if/when appropriate.

Crunch Time

Last week in Cube City, we got a nastygram from the head of Number Crunching. We were all slapped on our wrists for submitting late timesheets for the week, or perhaps for not submitting them at all. What's funny (...or not) about the nastygram is that it contained a grammatical error about how embarrassing this must be for our team. Now that's embarrassing.

When the nastygram arrived in my inbox, I was in a meeting but read it anyway. The person sitting next to me read it too. She said, "Oh, I LOVE how the head of Number Crunching is telling us that the other team -- you know, the one that doesn't make a profit for the company -- got their timesheets submitted on time. They have like, what -- 5 people left on that team now due to all the layoffs? So is that really such a big feat?"

Good point. Game tied. But don't get me wrong. I can see why the head of Number Crunching wants us to bill our work on time. Otherwise, we're working for free, and that's no good. But the number cruncher's approach was unnecessary and ineffective. The catch is that we don't really have time to record our time, so the profit we're making probably isn't being recorded or realized. Everybody is annoyed with the problem, but nobody knows how to fix it. And that's what is most embarrassing about crunch time.

Cube Q&A: Dress Codes

Q: Why do people wear plaid and other bad fabrics to Cube City? Do they think that their fellow cube dwellers don't have eyes?

A: Dearest cube dweller, it's true that plaid is bad. However, companies simply can't dress-code good taste. Close your eyes and move blindly through the day.

A First for the Year

OMG, it's the first pay day of the year in Cube City, and I couldn't be any more desperately thankful about it. Let the celebrating begin!

My Paper Boss: The Recycling Years

I recently saw my Paper Boss in the halls of Cube City. He's no longer my boss, on paper or otherwise, due to leaving the company quite some time ago. When I saw him the other day, he sort of had that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. He didn't seem to have time for small talk. He said he was late for a meeting with the person who oversees our whole team.

Hmmm. Could my Paper Boss be seeking a recycled version of his old job? I don't know, but if you see him on the next org chart, you heard it here first.

Well Suited

The other day, a friend of mine in another Cube City showed up at work in his normal business casual dress. He was sent home to change into a suit because he'd forgotten about an important client meeting. So he went home, changed into his business suit, and came back to work.

What's funny about it is that another friend in yet another Cube City works for a man who needs to have his hand held. She'll tell him what to wear and when to be somewhere. She'll do all sorts of things to make him look good. One day, he showed up to work in jeans and got sent home to put on a suit. At lunch, he went home to change back into jeans...only to return to work and find that he had another important meeting that afternoon. So he went back home and changed into his suit.

Seriously?

I know we're all well suited for jeans, but if you are important enough that you need to wear a suit now and then, you should probably have a costume change on hand in Cube City.

And the Award Goes to...

We recently had an embarrassing awards luncheon in Cube City. The leaders of various projects said a few embarrassing words about everyone on the team and then handed out certificates that included those embarrassing words.

Some of the awards were really random. I was recognized for a brand I barely touched and completely unrecognized for a brand that I contributed to on a regular basis. The person who said a few embarrassing words about me described me as "laid back." The way she said it sounded like a bad thing. She went on to say something like, "Don't let that laid-back attitude fool you. Scissor Girl delivers the goods to the client every time!"

Wuh? I thought being laid back was a good thing? Not that I'm good at being laid back (hardly), but apparently somebody was worried about me getting the work done. I guess I didn't seem worried enough? Weird.

I find awards to be odd and unnecessary. I'm sure they're a good thing, but I guess I'm too busy delivering the goods to mull it over. Maybe I'm just not used to being recognized for my work, especially the work I don't work on! I now accept this award for being laid back on brands I don't work on. Thank you very much.

How's Your Heart?

Do you ever get so involved in your work that you feel your heart racing -- and not in a good way? Lately, I've had so many little things needing my attention in Cube City that I feel like I'm running a mile a minute all day long. I don't have time to relax. Running is supposed to be good for the heart, but only in moderation. I don't think there's any such thing as moderation in Cube City.

The House Bread

I work with a funny person in Cube City who is really good at presenting information to our clients. She can charm them into loving crap if that's what we've given them. I can't do that.

Lately, she's been cracking me up with the analogies she uses to sell them on various ideas. The other day, she was using the analogy of building a house when explaining budget concerns and how to best use their money on projects. Do they want granite countertops or bay windows? A three-car garage or a swimming pool?

Just one day later, she was using the analogy of bread. She actually told the client that no matter what we decide to create, it's bread. It could be banana bread, honey wheat bread, or pumpkin bread, but it's still bread.

I couldn't help myself. I had to start laughing during the meeting. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a gift to sell crap to clients. I wish I could. So I'll just stick to making the bread instead of explaining how to create or use it.

My Cubicle Kids

It's quite sobering when you realize that you're one of the old ladies in Cube City...and yet you're still decades away from retirement.

I realized the other day, when a young cube dweller asked for my advice, that I'm no longer a kid in a cube. I'm like the parent of the cubicle kids. It's like they flock to me for approval. In a lot of these situations, I'm not even their boss.

Ack! How did I get here?

I like my cubicle kids, but what am I going to do when they grow up? Am I going to suffer from Empty Cubicle Syndrome? I don't know, but I'm very uncomfortable in this role. I need to go find some older people to work with.

All Dressed Up

The first week of the year in Cube City is always entertaining. The people around you are cordial, and they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they're cordial because they're wearing new clothes. Or maybe they just appear newly dressed in positive attitudes for whatever the reason.

Whatever the reason, I like it.

That Is All

I haven't really started the New Year out right in Cube City. I haven't been bringing my lunch, which means I've had to answer to the man downstairs at the deli.

I really don't like the man downstairs. Whether I buy a full meal deal or a soda, his response at checkout is always the same: "That is it? That is all you want?"

Look, pal, I'm sorry if I don't bring my cloth recycling bag into the deli and do all of my grocery shopping there, but you could at least try to act a little grateful for my business.

And so a new year of complaining begins. It only took me two days, cube dwellers! That is all.

A New Decade

It's time to start thinking positively again about Cube City -- until the novelty of the New Year wears off, anyway.

Now that a new decade has commenced, I think back to the millennium years and where I worked throughout them.

2000-2005: A small but inspiring Cube City for the first three years; a disaster under new management (I use the term "management" loosely here) from 2003 onward

2005-2007: A very big, established, and boring Cube City that did not challenge me at all but was nonetheless kind to me; in my disgustingly large amount of downtime, I was able to hone my personal Web surfing skills -- so much that I eventually ran out of ideas on what to Google

2007-present: An "anything goes" type of Cube City where, generally speaking, I'm happy even though I bitch a whole lot and have to frequently beat fires out of my hair

So where have you been the past 10 years? Welcome to a new decade of working, cube dwellers!