Friday, October 31, 2008

Hiding the Crazy

I had never interviewed people before accepting my current gig in Cube City, and I have to say that the experience of interviewing prospective cube dwellers has been quite a self-esteem boost. There are some crazy people out there looking for jobs, no matter what the economic situation. They remind you of how employable you really are.

Most of us are really good at "hiding the crazy" for the first six months on the job, but a lot of interviewees can't make it past the first six seconds of the interview.

A friend sent me a resume for laughs recently, as her Cube City is hiring an executive assistant. Well, trying to hire an executive assistant. They've been actively interviewing candidates for at least two months. This particular resume proved that some job seekers can't even get interviews because their resumes are so whacked. There were a lot of things wrong with the resume, but one sparkling gem was a list of reasons for leaving each job. One reason had something to do with the distance of the commute, how this issue was discussed during the interview, and how the job "just didn't work out." How can you submit a resume like that and really think that you have a chance of getting a job? That's just...crazy!

This Halloween, I hope we can all hide the crazy with our costumes -- at least long enough to score some candy and savor the flavor of being employable.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Trick or Treat

So it's one week after the layoffs and we're having a Halloween party in Cube City.

How scary is that?

What's even more interesting is that, in this post-layoff environment, people suddenly seem to be wearing costumes. It's their attitudes, more than their clothes, that are dressed up in captivating disguises. Everybody just seems to be really nice to each other and very hard working right now...except for The Talker, of course...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Talker, Part Deux

Not only am I obsessed with Facebook; I am obsessed with The Talker's stupidity here in Cube City.

As if The Talker's relentless personal phone calls aren't enough, she's also trying to pawn her work off on anyone who is enough of a sucker to see her as a victim.

She has been working with my team long enough to know what she's doing, but she prances around and says, "I'm sorry, I'm really new to all of this, so I need your help." Then she dumps her work in your lap and goes back to yapping on the phone with Suzy's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend.

She'll send me emails with the classic question of, "Does this make sense to you?" She must think that I'm as stupid as she is to fall for that one. Okay, I was stupid the first time she asked, but I caught on after it was obvious that she was wanting me to figure out her role for her -- something I couldn't and wouldn't do. I have enough on my plate without moonlighting for The Talker.

What amazes me is that her role is really pretty simple. It requires reading a client's email all the way through in order to figure out how to satisfy a request. I realize that it is probably too much to ask a person to read a paragraph or two in today's society, but...well...you see my point.

I'm just really sad for the smart, hard workers who were laid off when this particular fuckhead somehow made the cut. Somebody please hand me my scissors. I can at least cut her phone line.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Talker

If you're on Facebook, which is my latest time-sucking fetish, you have seen my many manic status postings about my new cube neighbor. She is The Talker.

The Talker spends most of her day in Cube City yapping on the phone with her friends. Whether she's having boy problems or Suzy's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend can't believe her boyfriend wore plaid shorts in public, The Talker is on that phone giving and/or receiving personal counseling all day long. I just want to throw her phone out the window.

Others in Cube City have noticed The Talker too. What I can't understand is how The Talker can be so oblivious to cubicle etiquette, not to mention everything that has been going on lately with our armpit of an economy and layoffs. If you have half a brain and care about keeping your job, you don't make it obvious that you're fucking around on the company dime all day long.

I suppose I should just be thankful that The Talker and I aren't friends on Facebook. There isn't enough bandwidth in cyberspace for me to deal with her yapping face.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Important Bulletin from Scissor Girl

Greetings, fellow cube dwellers, and welcome to another glorious Monday.

Did that sound bubbly enough? Did I convince anyone with my grandiose attempt at exuberance?

Anyway, I'm just popping in briefly today to share a few words of wisdom. I have only a few words of wisdom in my blades, so pay close attention. Okay, here goes: If you expect Cube City to meet your expectations at any time in your life, you will find that you are very disappointed. It's just best to expect nothing from Cube City, no matter how big or small.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friends

What is a person to do in Cube City amid complete and utter chaos?

In the midst of massive layoffs this week, I have actually thought about sending the President/Founder a friend request on Facebook -- like, thanks for being a friend and not laying me off. But we're really not friends, and I'm sad for my good friends who are out of work today...so I'll refrain.

It's hard to know what to say to my friends who aren't here anymore. Do I invite them out for beer, or do I just send them a virtual beer through Facebook? All I know for sure is that beer is necessary at a time like this.

A real friend is someone who is there for you, no matter what is going on in your life. Layoffs in this economy are business, not personal, but they feel personal all the same. You really can't be friends with your company's founder because business will always prevail.

I hope for better days and better times for all of us. I really wish we could all be friends.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Whew...

You know how you worry and fret for a few weeks, as the rumors fly irresponsibly throughout Cube City, and you finally get the truth?

Well, I finally got the truth as we know it, and I am drained...so I'll have to do this blog thing another day. I'm just glad that the truth fits my reality today.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Yankee Doodle Candy

If there's something I hate more than politics in Cube City, it's people who constantly fill their candy jars with sweet temptations.

I love candy. Don't get me wrong. What I hate is that these suppliers are so good at picking just the right candy to make you stick your head in the bowl and come up for air when it's all gone. Then they smile -- those fucking candy jar enablers -- and refill the bowl with a huge bag of the same stuff that they have magically pulled out of thin air. Gah!

At my last job, I worked with a woman who kept us all knee-deep in chocolate. Dark chocolate. I can't curb my enthusiasm when there's dark chocolate in Cube City. My diet goes out the window. I mean, let's face it. Work makes us unhappy. Candy makes us happy. We have to break even in Cube City.

I currently work with a guy who doesn't seem to mind that I take all of the Tootsie Rolls out of his candy jar every day. I wish he'd stop adding more. How do I get him to stop being so sweet...and hateful?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Star-Fangled Manor

What I hate most about working in Cube City is the politics.

Politics are everywhere in Cube City. They're much like the politics of our government:
  • You can't believe anything that anyone says.
  • You might win the popular vote, but you won't necessarily win anything.
  • You work with a lot of people who have no idea what they're doing.
  • You had better lie to people, telling them what they want to hear, if you expect to get ahead.

The difference is that you can't elect a new leader after four years in Cube City.

This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, but we're all chained to our desks and scared for our jobs. We need a new national anthem in Cube City.

Monday, October 20, 2008

You're Welcome

I used to work with a woman in Cube City who had old-school manners. Language, and one's proper usage of it, was of utmost importance in her world.

One day, she confided that she really dislikes it when she thanks someone for something and receives a response of, "No problem." She believes that by saying, "No problem," a person is really dehumanizing the act of give and take with the implication that a request for help is really more of a bother.

Obviously, she had a lot of time on her hands to think about this sort of thing.

I will spare you more examples of language that offended her. You really couldn't win in her world unless you'd been born and raised in her reality. No need to thank me for sparing you the details. You're welcome.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Feast or Famine

I've had some downtime in Cube City lately, which is not something I'm used to having around here. When I'm really busy, I am hating life because I'm off-the-charts busy. When I'm not really busy, I am hating life because I'm off-the-charts bored and have run out of ideas on what to Google.

Why is it always feast or famine in Cube City?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Worst Job Ever

I once worked in a huge Cube City that had its own cafeteria and lots of bored employees who spent their lunch hours chatting about the weak coffee and dirty flatware.

One day, we all sat around and talked about the worst jobs we'd ever had. The guy who brewed the Grade D plastic bag of ground taco meat at a popular fast food joint won the award for worst job ever. The way he discussed smelling like ground taco meat at all times was truly disgusting and award worthy.

What's your worst job ever? Please note: Your current job doesn't count. That's just way too easy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rain Check

Once upon a time in Cube City, I was new to Texas. I asked my native Texan boss if the summer would ever end, and he said, "Oh, yes. On October 15th, we always get rain and cooler weather. It is our official end of summer."

Sure enough, he was right. October 15th came, and with it came rain and cooler temperatures until spring.

For the next six years, I was amazed at the accuracy of his statement. He was better than any meteorologist on television, which actually isn't that big of a feat around these parts.

October 15th came and went for many rainy years, as did the number of jobs I had in Cube City. One year, in passing conversation with a fellow cube dweller, I mentioned how it would rain on the return date of his business trip and explained how I knew this. He thought I was pulling his leg, so he wrote it down in his day planner. On that fateful day, he called me from his departing airport to inform me that his flight was cancelled due to heavy thunderstorms. He was really spooked about October 15th from that point forward. I'm sure he'll never be the same on that day, and neither will you.

This summer hasn't exactly been characteristic of Texas, but beware of what you do today anyway and take an umbrella with you. You might need a rain check.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Paper Boss

I used to work for a guy in Cube City who showed up on the org chart and nowhere else. He became otherwise known as my paper boss.

I remember the day I received word that I would start reporting to him. He showed me where he'd penciled me in on his org chart -- which bore a striking resemblance to an orphan document -- and said, "I just hope you don't see this reporting structure as fake, and I want you to come to me at any time for anything."

Right then and there, I knew what he meant:

1. The reporting structure was completely and utterly fake.
2. He would never be there for me at any time for anything.

I have to say that it's really nice to have a paper boss on a day-to-day basis, especially when that person really doesn't understand what you do and really doesn't serve a purpose in growing you professionally.

But it's really bad to have a paper boss on the day of your performance review because that person will sit there helplessly (if showing up at all) and say, as my paper boss said to me, "I have no idea what you do."

I like a boss who looks good on paper, but I also like a number on my paycheck that looks good on paper. I guess we can't have it all.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Performance Feedback Meeting

I recently attended a mandatory performance feedback meeting in Cube City. Somebody's manager wanted to get a bunch of us in a room together to discuss complaints about one person's performance on the job.

On the inside, I was thrilled because I didn't really like this person and resented having to pick up the slack. Whenever I worked with this person, I felt an overwhelming sense of doom and dread. I just hated life when I knew that I had to work with this fucking idiot.

On the outside, I felt sorry for this person because Cube City is a very unforgiving place. We're all a bunch of pack animals, and getting us together to discuss one person is about as effective as throwing a steak in the middle of a group of starving cannibals and seeing what happens.

It never feels good to be responsible for somebody's livelihood, but it never feels good to try to save somebody who doesn't deserve saving either. Nobody wins in this game, but we all have to keep playing. All we can do is hope that we're always on the home team.

Friday, October 10, 2008

R.I.P., Legan

Cube City is closed today in loving memory of the best dog friend I ever had. I lost her a year ago today.

Thanks to all of the dear readers and friends who offered their support and condolences on my worst day. The loss still hurts a great deal today.

R.I.P., Legan
4/19/96-10/10/07

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Time for Change

There's a charity collection box in Cube City right now that makes me pause. It is a request for loose change and supposedly benefits a charitable organization.

Since the economy is at its absolute worst, I can't help but wonder if Cube City is the charity in need of our loose change. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I wouldn't be surprised if we're donating money to pay ourselves.

This gives "time for change" a whole new meaning.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Song of Cube City

You know how you listen to your favorite music and you get stuck on one song? You just can't get past that song? You play it over and over and over again until your mind is numb from the repetition...so you progress to the next song, albeit reluctantly?

I wish Cube City could be this pleasurable. But Cube City is all about mind-numbing repetition that is not music to our ears. We try to get past that first song, which lacks rhythm and harmony, but we are stuck spinning around on a broken record.

Stick a needle in me. I'm done.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Cube Q&A: Committees

Q: My boss asked me to be on a committee at work that addresses people's concerns in the company. Should I say yes?
A: You poor little innocent cube dweller. What you don't seem to realize is that you've already been volunteered and that you have no say in your participation. What follows, quite naturally, is that you will become yet another ineffective member of an ineffective committee in Cube City. You have fun now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Your Confidentiality Agreement

This is a confidential piece of writing, even though you are allowed to read it without a password.

You do have the right to read it.

You do not have the right to talk to anyone about it or share it with anyone you know.

You don't even have the right to think about it after you've read it.

Because you don't even have the right to think about it, don't even think that you have the right to acknowledge that you've felt anything by reading it. Feeling anything by reading includes laughter, tears, fears, hiccups, burps, farts, and questions. This list of feelings and noises is not inclusive and should not be considered as such.

Just read, sign your rights away to Cube City, and shut up for your own protection.

______________________
Your Signature

Friday, October 3, 2008

Weed Control

When are we going to weed Cube City out so that the flowers can bloom and grow? Weeds are plants that just grow in the wrong place, and Cube City is infested with them. It seems like all we are doing right now is letting the weeds grow out of control. They are persistent, and it seems like we'll never see a healthy green lawn again.

I wish we would spend our time learning how to prevent weeds rather than trying to figure out how to kill them. But that's not how we fertilize Cube City. We use a bunch of manure instead and put up with the smell.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Static Cling

For the past few days in Cube City, there's been a strange development in the stairwell. Everything is status quo in the morning, but every afternoon there's a dryer sheet on the stairs. The dryer sheet is in the same place every afternoon, yet it's never there in the morning.

I don't get it. It's sort of like the Mystery Pooper. Who is dropping their dryer sheets in the stairwell and why?

I think somebody has a major problem with static cling...and we all know that if you're going to get static cling, you're going to get it in Cube City. I would like to know if this mystery person is having any success feeling clean, fresh, and wrinkle resistant due to all of the dryer sheets s/he is using.

Speak up, Static Free! Rub some of your positive wisdom off on those of us who are negatively charged.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Corporate Graffiti

If I started a corporate-related graffiti wall in the Cube City bathroom, I wonder what it would look like?

My guess is that a modern-day graffiti wall is now called a blog. Only the coolest Cube Cities are blogged about on a regular basis with racy language.

Still, I think it would be hilarious to write old-school graffiti on the bathroom wall.

What would you write on the bathroom wall in Cube City? I think I'd start with, "Yep, we are pissing our lives away here."