The Happiest Place on Earth

Two weeks ago, I recommended the perfect person for a project in Cube City. I was bombarded with panic-stricken but vague feedback -- news I couldn't use, basically.

"Not her!"

"I'm not sure she's the right fit."

"I have concerns."

I stood up for the person I recommended. I knew she was the one who could pull it off. I had absolutely no concerns about her taking the project and kicking major ass. So I didn't budge. She was the solution, and the doubters were just going to have to learn that they were the problem.

One week later, I received an email from someone on the project who couldn't say enough nice things about her. Finally, someone had lifted their finger from the panic button. Suddenly, the rollercoaster had stopped going up and down at lightning speed, and people were calm. The emailer said, "I know we all had concerns about her, but she's done an amazing job that has really pleased the client. I'm wowed by what she did with this in such a short amount of time!"

The emailer had copied the whole team of panic-stricken people on this positive message, but I replied only to the sender. I hate it when people generalize how the whole team feels when one person (that's me) clearly felt and stated otherwise. I replied, "Remember, I never had concerns about her. I knew she was the perfect fit and am so glad she made the client happy! Thanks for taking the time to give her a shout out and for supporting her along the way so that she could shine!" Kill 'em with kindness. I'm going to Disneyland.

Okay, so I'm feeling a little smug, but I just get so tired of the bullshit. I get so tired of how perception affects so many people in Cube City, and how I can't feel empowered because a bunch of boobs have to have a say about everything -- especially the things and people they know nothing about. This isn't Six Flags, where more flags equal more fun. People need to stop raising flags and start having more fun. At the very least, they need to grow up and give feedback that supports their concerns. If they can't do that one simple thing, it's time to get on board, buckle up, and prepare for a safe but enjoyable ride.

Time to Make the Doughnuts

Why are Mondays in Cube City so hard?

I work with a rather mentally and emotionally unstable man who just posted this on Facebook: "I love Mondays. They represent hope and renewal."

Okay, here are my problems with his statement:

1. As previously mentioned, he's mentally and emotionally unstable.
2. He's not even coming to work today. He's out on "personal business" (which, by the way, is where he usually is instead of being at work).
3. Doesn't he have Mondays confused with Fridays?

I guess it's time to make the doughnuts, even though I already feel fried enough as it is.

The Caveman

There is a guy in Cube City who's letting his hair grow out -- both on his head and on his face. His hair is so long all over that he actually combs his bangs back. His beard is shaggy and simply unkempt. He sort of looks like a caveman.

I don't know him well at all, so I can't tell him that he looks prehistoric. But I think those who do know him should enlighten him on the benefits of a makeover. He's a better looking man than that.

An updated look, especially for guys, is so easy. Even a caveman can do it.

The Breakthrough That Broke

Well, cube dwellers, His & Hers decided to pay a visit to Cube City yesterday. They gave us half a business day's notice and expected us to juggle our calendars to meet with them.

It was the longest day of my life.

They wanted to spend a few hours with us, in person instead of by phone, to tell us about a breakthrough they'd had during a long plane flight together. They said they had figured out what their company really was and what they wanted it to be. They also said they wanted to start promptly at 8:30.

My fellow cube dwellers and I busted our tails to get to the office on time, on a Monday, only to wait for 45 minutes or more for them to show up. (I think it was more and I just lost count after 45 minutes.) I felt like I was waiting for a doctor's appointment. A rectal exam, maybe. Yeah, that's it.

Once they finally showed up and hugged all of us (gross...and he smelled like he had slept in his clothes), they sat down and started bickering at each other. Seems like old times. It was clear that they had not had a breakthrough of any kind. He told her that she was making him crazy because he thought they were in agreement on things, and she was siding with us lowly cube dwellers -- you know, the ad agency they'd hired to help them out with this stuff? Maybe he was finally clarifying what he wanted, even though what he wanted was a really bad user experience.

We spent the day getting nowhere but pretending like we'd gotten somewhere, which was something we could have easily accomplished by phone. It's probably the typical client experience, but I have to say that a rectal exam would have been less painful and a lot more productive.

His & Hers

I'm working with an annoying husband-wife client team in Cube City these days, and I sometimes wonder why I ever volunteered to be a part of this "special" project. Clearly, I was duped.

What's most annoying about this couple is that, despite constant bickering, they refer to each other as "TL."

That's short for True Love.

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? I thought so.

Here's how a sample conference call might go with the dynamic duo.

Him: I don't like the rounded corners of the callouts. They seem too soft for what we're trying to communicate. TL, what do you think?

Her: Actually, I think the soft, rounded corners really deliver the message that what people do with our product is up to them. It's their choice, and we'll stand by them. If we were to design these callouts with hard, squared-off edges, I think people would be offended, TL. I don't think they'd click on the callouts to continue their journey, and then we'd all be in a very sad, dark place.

I could go on and on, cube dwellers, but I think you get the picture. These people are smoking something good -- well, good for them and bad for us. They're so indecisive and yet simultaneously decisive. I think they're from outer space. As long as they don't moon me with their true love, it's possible I might survive this project.

Cube Q&A: Conference Call Hangups

Q: What should I do when I'm on a conference call in Cube City and an angry client hangs up on me?

A: Dearest cube dweller, don't dwell on this. Who cares if the call ended on a sour note? It ended! You just got a little piece of your life back. This is a call for celebration.

Ferrari Hats Only

There's a guy in Cube City who appears to be grossly overpaid because he drives a Ferrari. Every day, he wears a baseball cap with the Ferrari symbol on it. I mean it. Every. Day. I've never seen what he looks like without that hat. I guess he really loves his Ferrari.

A cube dweller who knows him well said that he often leaves his Ferrari in our office parking garage because it doesn't run very well. In fact, he has to get the clutch -- or some other equally important part, I can't remember -- replaced. Why is he stalling on that? Because the repair will cost $15K.

WTFerrari is up with that?! I guess he really loves his car -- like, more than a person. Or he was dropped on his head as a baby.

I once walked by his office and saw a post-it note that read, "Ferrari Hats Only." I'm pretty sure he didn't write that himself and someone was mocking him -- all the more reason to love the people I work with, even the ones who've been dropped on their heads. There's a hat for that.