Hiatus

Hello, fellow cube dwellers. This could be a fleeting thought for today's blog, or it could be a longer-term reality. We'll see, but Scissor Girl's blades feel really worn out. I might be in the repair shop for a while to get refreshed and ready for more blogging. Believe it or not, I think I might have run out of daily things to say about Cube City. So if I don't see you here tomorrow, just know that all is well and I'm just taking a break.

The State of Cube City

It's time for Cube City's annual State of the Union address, an hour-long reflection on the company's performance over the last year. I dread it.

There are a few differences between the State of the Union address in Cube City and the government. In Cube City:

1. We usually don't get to hear an address from a newly elected President.
2. We are not Congress. We just hear what the President's got to say and we have to go with it...rather than "consider" it. There are no choices in Cube City.
3. There are a lot more VPs at the address (and everywhere else).
4. We don't applaud the President before, during, or even after the speech...unless we're totally kissing ass or have other self-serving motives.
5. None of the opposing parties have the nerve to speak up with a rebuttal.

This is the State of Cube City.

Show 'n Tell

I like a good horror story in Cube City. But I love a whole article devoted to the absurdities of our lives here. Take a peek. Most of these stories probably won't shock you, which is the sad part. Click here to read them.

Cube Q&A: Spell Checker

Q: Why doesn't the spell checker catch every error I make in Cube City?
A: Spell check isn't smart enough to solve all of your problems. Most people can't use the English language correctly, so you can't expect them to code an application that can do it for you. On the bright side, spell check recognizes a word that you surely need to type every day of your existence in Cube City: fucker.

Something to Celebrate

The new President officially begins his term today. Some of you will be happy about this, while others won't.

But there's something we can all celebrate in Cube City: None of us come close to being as dumb as George "Dubya" Bush.

Happy Inauguration Day!

Happy MLK Day

If you're a banker or schoolteacher, you're probably not working today -- not that either of these industries can afford to stay open anyway...

I've worked in only one Cube City that recognized MLK Day. It was a large, boring, established company that walked their diversity talk. I don't miss that place, but I miss the recognition of an important holiday.

I'm furious that my current Cube City is open. Do "I have a dream" of having this day off? Yes, you could put it that way, with the company's retort of, "Dream on." But at least traffic is lighter and many of my peers are taking the day off to be with their kids. Maybe today won't totally suck wind like most Mondays.

I can dream.

The Employee Handbook

Who reads the Employee Handbook in Cube City? More importantly, who writes it?

I used to write and edit the Employee Handbook. It was brutal, not to mention pointless. Nobody ever read it. Despite us having pages and pages of carefully documented rules that were edited by lawyer speak hereto with, we never really knew about them. If we did know the rules, we still didn't follow them. Nobody seemed to notice.

I'm not much for rules in Cube City. Box me in and I'll resist. But I've decided that it's time for a new Employee Handbook that better reflects our environment. You know I'm all about reality.

1.0 Company Philosophy
We'll get back to you on our philosophy. We're in the middle of a perpetual reorg that requires perpetual updating of this section.

2.0 Working and Compensation
We shall pay you to work 40 hours per week, plus all holidays, plus all weekends, plus all evening hours. We don't care if you want to have a life. Work is your life. Get used to it.

We'll reimburse you for travel expenses if and when we please. Do not pester our accountants for your expense check, as they are busy avoiding the idea of paying you. If you go over the $5 limit for lunch while traveling, we shall punish you greatly. It's best if you just pack Power Bars in your suitcase and treat those as your meals, at your own expense. You'll need the energy for all the work required of you, as documented in paragraph 1, section 2.0 of this handbook.

3.0 Environment and Personal Safety
We expect our lazy building security guards to protect you from disgruntled people we've laid off, as well as other loose cannons. Good luck with that and try to ignore all the bullet holes you see in the office building windows, as they are probably from rocks that have been spit out from commercial lawn mowers. Um, yeah.

We don't care if you bring a gun to work. In fact, we encourage it since the security guards are lazy, cannot be trusted, and have been seen on surveillance cameras stealing loose change and candy from your desk drawers.

We reserve the right to sexually harass you at any time, unless of course we think you are ugly. So if you find yourself the object of sexual harassment, just consider it a compliment to your physical attractiveness and desirability.

If you are of an ethnicity, gender, or other minority status that we do not respect or understand, we shall deny you promotions and other benefits extended to others in the company without further explanation.

4.0 Standards and Expectations for the Workplace
You shall be accountable to the company 24/7, even though you are not supposed to be on call and we're grossly violating the employment laws that allow you at least two 15-minute breaks in your 8-hour work day. If you want an easy 8-to-5 job, work for the government. Good luck with that.

We find it very important that you wear khakis, or better dress pants, to work. Denim is from Satan and will significantly impair your work performance. The same goes for shirts without collars. THE LORD WANTS YOU TO WEAR A COLLARED SHIRT! You must also wear close-toed shoes at all times. We don't like happy toes or proper foot circulation, and you shouldn't either. A good guide to proper dress: If you feel extremely uncomfortable and oppressed all day long, you are probably dressed appropriately for Cube City.

5.0 Benefits
You have a job. Feel lucky about that.