Getting Pissed

Yesterday was crazy in Cube City. CRAZY! It started with me digging out from 40 emails I received overnight -- and by "emails," I mean a pissing match between two team members. Why two team members were pissing on each other and copying me on emails they were sending at 2:30 AM is beyond crazy.

But it's always interesting to hear what each person has to say.

Pissy Person #1: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because she's providing feedback on things that were due two weeks ago. If you can't keep up, that's not my problem. I've had it. I just had to tell her that this is done and over with, you know? She sends way too many emails after the fact.

Pissy Person #2: Gosh, Scissor Girl, I'm pissing on our team member because I've been stretched too thin. I've been traveling or I've been in planning meetings, and I've just now had time to dig out of my inbox. I always start with my project managers first because they send me the most emails. I had 11 emails from one of them and then 107 -- 107, Scissor Girl! -- from Pissy Person #1. Pissy Person #1 sends way too many emails.

What happens in pissing matches like this is that nobody can solve anything. By the time each pissy person has relieved themselves, everything is all watered down. It sort of pisses me off because I'm drowning in email threads, trying to separate the pissing from the real work I need to do. If I had the time, interest, and credentials to do a thorough urinalysis, you'd be calling me Dr. Scissor Girl, and I'd be working for a whole lot more than scissors.

Don't (Always) Fear the Reaper

Yesterday in Cube City, my neighbor's phone rang, and I heard her gasp. She collected herself and then answered the phone.

When she hung up, she said, "Whew. That scared me!"

When she told me who called, and it turned out to be the guy in HR who fires people, I replied, "That poor guy. He's the Reaper. Nobody wants to associate with him!"

Luckily, the Reaper wasn't calling to deliver fearful news, but it's hard to change how you feel about someone who can punt you out the door. At least we have caller ID so that we can see him coming.

Would You Like Some Cheese With Your Whine?

Note to cube dwellers: Your boss doesn't care and doesn't want to hear about it, so shut your pie hole.

The one thing that bothers me about being a boss is when people act like spoiled brats. It's amazing how direct reports in Cube City will whine when you lean in and pretend like you're listening to them.

I'll listen to someone who has a good point and is clearly being taken advantage of. I also think I'm pretty good at protecting the people who report to me when necessary. But when somebody has to travel once or twice a year, or occasionally has to work nights and/or weekends, I don't want to hear about it. We all do it. None of us like it. The difference is that some of us know when to shut our pie hole about it.

Maybe it's a generation gap, but I can't believe how some younger people in Cube City just don't seem to know how to suck it up now and then. To me, if something is the exception rather than the rule, you suck it up. But I hear about EVERY little thing...

"I just wanted you to know that I have to work tonight. I'm not happy about it."

"It looks like I'll be working this weekend. I'm not happy about having to spend my free time working. I thought you should know."

"I've been told that I have to do an overnight business trip next month. I guess that means I have to spend the night in a hotel? I'm not looking forward to being away from my family for a night."

Seriously? Srsly. Suck. It. Up. What do you really expect me to say or do about it?

I would never dream of informing my boss that I have to work tonight; I'd just suck it up and do it! Maybe that makes me a sucker, but I think it's cheesy to whine when you've got it pretty good.

Damn, I'm old.

The 30-Minute Answer

How much time should elapse between a question and an answer in Cube City? A few days ago, I sat down with a prospective candidate who would be in another office and probably wouldn't even be someone I'd have any contact with at all. So I'm really not sure why I was told to talk to her. And when I say "talk to her," I mean "listen to her."

OMG. The woman could talk. I wondered if she was nervous or just jacked up from being in Cube City for an all-day interview. It was hard to ask questions because she could not seem to figure out how to wrap up her answers. I found our 30 minutes together to be a bit exhausting.

At the end of our visit, she took a breath and asked, "Do you have any other questions for me?" I wanted to point out that I had asked one question 30 minutes previously and had been listening to her answer ever since, but I refrained and got the hell out of there. That's what I'm talking about.

Fakebook

I need to break out of Cube City and break into the social media business. If I were to break out, I'd create Fakebook, a place where we could all secretly go to post things we'd never dare on our real Facebook pages.

On Fakebook, we would not have to Friend our parents, bosses, or the Texas Tornado. Fakebook would be a place where we could truly say what's on our minds without worrying about someone minding. We could be fans of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus without judgment. (Note: Example is for illustrative purposes only and does not reflect the musical taste or opinions of Scissor Girl.) My niece could post her underage drinking photos without me having to witness the train wreck that is her life. It would be total greatness for us to be ourselves under the guise of a Fakebook.

But Facebook is here to stay. So keep your face on -- especially in Cube City, where the illusion of truth is preferred and encouraged.

Cube Q&A: NoDoz on Wheat, Hold the Cheese

Q: Is it okay for my Cube City deli to sell NoDoz when they supposedly specialize in sandwiches?

A: Dear cube dweller, wake up and smell the salami! You need to understand that there are many cube dwellers out there who lack brain activity. Having a brain stimulant on hand, such as NoDoz, might help save projects and jobs that would otherwise be put to sleep.

Toodle-loo

Yesterday in Cube City, I was listening to a few nearby cube dwellers chatting excitedly about the weather and an approaching cold front. I decided to visit a local news site to read more on the subject. Once I got there, I was instantly distracted by a hilarious banner ad for Sprint. The first line of copy read, "Toodle-loo, T-Mobile." I found myself wanting to click on that banner ad, even though I'm perfectly happy with my mobile phone service...or perhaps too lazy to make a switch.

I found myself wishing I could write fun copy like that, but no. Instead, I write about side effects of a drug, focus on one product instead of slamming another, and make sure that I don't promise results, satisfaction, or success of any kind. What am I gonna do, write, "Toodle-loo to your fetus if you're pregnant or decide to become pregnant while taking this drug?" No freakin' way!

So I guess I'll live vicariously through the writers who can get away with using silly phrases and just say toodle-loo to that perk in my own line of work.