Zero Side Effects

I used to work with a woman in a very well-established Cube City where water-cooler talk was to be kept on the down low. Don't be too friendly. Don't get to know your co-workers. Don't fraternize with them or gain insights about their souls or anything. Try to be as miserable as possible all day long with as little human interaction as possible, and try not to leave your cubicle for more than a potty break every four hours.

But Marilyn was a rule breaker, and I liked her. She would drop by to say hello and shoot the breeze. She didn't look fearfully over her shoulder either, like she was about to be busted for drugs or a flask in her purse or anything. She was Marilyn, and she did her own thing.

One day, Marilyn and I talked about how boring that Cube City was, and how we needed to get the hell out of there before our souls were forever crushed beneath the oppressive rubble of an established company with too many rules. We talked and talked and talked.

Then I took a swig of my Coke Zero, and Marilyn was crushed.

"Girl, " she said, "that stuff will kill you."

I explained that I'm a Coke addict, and that I'd drink the Real Thing all day long if I could still fit into my pants by the end of the day. We've both tried diet sodas with the complete inability to acquire a taste for them. So when Coke Zero came along and didn't taste quite as obviously repulsive as most diet sodas, it almost seemed like a compromise that we could both handle. But then Marilyn then told me of all the side effects she'd had from drinking Coke Zero:

• Heart palpitations/racing sensations
• Massive, stabbing headaches -- mostly in the left temple area
• Diarrhea (TMI, Marilyn. T-M-I.)

Marilyn urged me to stop drinking Coke Zero and to just buy bigger pants because the Real Thing was probably better for me in the long run than the Zero.

I appreciated Marilyn's insights but didn't feel like I was having a problem with Coke Zero, so I just kept drinking the poison.

About five weeks later, I started experiencing Zero side effects. All of them. It was creepy. So I took myself off Coke Zero, and it was hell on Earth for a very long time. I eventually started drinking the Real Thing again, and I occasionally have a Coke Zero when I'm craving a second real one in my work day. I've found that Coke Zero, in moderation rather than daily consumption, can be enjoyed without such bothersome side effects...but it's pretty scary what you learn when you mingle with the other cube dwellers.

What I should really do is save my water-cooler talk for that very purpose: the healthier consumption of H20.