Cooling My Jets

I have returned from a successful business trip that allowed me to fly away from Cube City for a few days. Upon leaving the office for my flight, I felt instantaneous relief. The angry red sea of emails and requests was no longer my ship to sail.

One highlight of my trip was the return flight – and not just because I was coming home. A flight attendant said some wacky things while walking through the tiresome drill of safety features and procedures. One of her comments went something like this: “In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing in a moat on the way to our destination, you may use your seat cushion as a flotation advice. The seat cushion will be yours to keep. We won’t even charge you for it. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is probably the only thing we won’t charge you for.” When the flight attendant finished her consistently captivating commentary, the passengers applauded her. Had we not been buckled into our seats, we might have given her a standing ovation. I had never witnessed such a surreal event in my whole life. Or maybe I was just tired.

The flight attendant turned out to be serving the first-class passengers. I was not one of them, but I was three rows back in coach and had a good view of what was going on up there. What’s interesting about first class is how you look at those passengers while you struggle on board with your carry-on luggage and think, “These people are assholes.” You see them:

• Sitting comfortably, heads sinking comfortably into pillows.
• Enjoying a refreshing glass of water before the flight so that they are well hydrated.
• Cleansing their hands with hot moist towels before a delicious meal that won’t be served to you.
• Savoring warm salty nuts prior to their delicious meal.
• Sipping some attractive alcoholic beverages that just keep coming in fancy glasses.
• Chatting happily with the cool first-class flight attendant.

All of this before you get a Coke in a plastic cup.

I recently had the grand opportunity to sit in first class while on vacation. I enjoyed pre-flight hydration, warm salty nuts, and free-flowing alcohol. I didn’t see myself as an asshole, of course, but it’s funny how things change when you have the upper hand. You wish the flight attendant would hurry up and close the curtain. Just get those wretched coach people out of the way, please – and hurry! Tuck them away into their plastic cup beverage service where they belong.

I’m starting to come down from my business travel experience and am cooling my jets. I’d travel for work again. I do enjoy the change of pace now and then. So put me in, Coach. But please don’t put me in coach.